Thinkalot Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I am a bit jealous of these posters who say never or hardly at all. To have that kind of peace would be nice. I would think that if you don't now, you won't argue appreciably more later. Marriage brings certain issues but we argued alot before we were even married so I don't think it is marriage that brings it, it is personality clashes and the inherent personalities of the two people in the relationship. That is quite true, we argued before we married and i think they way your personalities mesh has a fair bit to do with it... so ditto!
MysticStar Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 When my wife and I first got married we fought a lot. But as time went by and we learned more about each other and what to expect, the arguments happened less and less. Now after 25 years of marriage, arguments are very rare.
blackbird Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 My fiance and I can argue a lot. I've had LTRs before in which I hardly ever, or never, argued with my partner, and in retrospect it seems to me that was because those relationships were not as deep or openly communicative as the one I'm in now. (That's not to say that those who are in relationships with little/no arguments have shallow relationships; you could be just lucky, or much better at communicating!) To explain, the reason we argue often is because we consciously try to be very honest with each other (while still being sensitive and caring, though he is better at that than I am), and to talk about issues that are volatile before they become big things. For example, we've had a lot of discussions about money issues (I make a lot more than he does), our attractions to other people, very frank talks about sex, needs, et cetera. Sometimes emotions will rise (usually mine, I will admit) and one or both of us will be angry/hurt/argumentative for a day or two before we talk it out and resolve it (easier said than done, but we do it). Ideally, of course, we'd just be able to have such discussions without descending to 'argument', but meanwhile, there we are. Sometimes I get depressed that it seems to me that we argue rather often (my parents argued ceaselessly and violently when I was growing up, so I've got some hangups). At those times he tells me not to look at it that way, to look instead at the understandings we come to after such arguments and what growth is brought thereby.
Haner Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I have never argued with my girlfriend. When I tell this to my friends, I always get this weird response, like my relationship isn't real or deep enough. That's far from the reality though. We don't argue because first of all we are greatly compatible. We aren't really that similar, but we fit into each other's grooves. I'm generally quiet, she talks a lot more, I enjoy listening to her talk, and she enjoys my sympathetic ear and my usually intelligent or humorous replies. Our emotional responses to various situations are similar, though she reveals it more. We don't compete with each other, we complement each other, we fill the others needs. Secondly, she's incredibly intelligent. She's one of the smartest individuals I know. I respect her. With some of my exgfs, I have had moments of chauvinism and intellectual frustration, and this had often made me argumentative and uncooperative with them. With my current gf, I deeply respect her views and opinions, so I take the time to hear them out, and they are always reasonable if not always agreeable. We are equals in the relationship, there's no relationship equivalent of the "white man's burden" so to speak. So here's my take: people argue when there's a lack of compatibility and respect. If you lose compatibility, try holding on your respect of your SO; and if you lose respect for your SO, try to grasp the things that made you bond in the beginning.
melodicmaybe Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Never. I wish we did though. Both of us are entirely too passive at times. When we disagree, he usually just gets very quiet and withdrawn. And I have a very bad habit of doing the same thing. It's not a very productive method of communication. Nothing ever seems to really get resolved.
PerfectLee Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. Easier said than done. Opposites attract, like me & my GF, but when we disagree, it's an all out WAR sometimes. We're learning to just accept each others opinions and move on. We argued a lot after we were engaged. For some reason, an engagement is like a free ticket to be "honest" with your S.O. about things you weren't sure of when you were just "together".
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 We don’t. Not much to argue about since we are so similar that we usually preempt what the other is going to say, think, do, or want in plenty of time to avoid arguments. However, we did have a heated debate last week regarding who was the biggest nerd in high school. I still think that being a mime in the Junior High Drama Club trumps his marching band and break-dancing stint. And unless he finds his ol’ parachute pants and does the dolphin for me ... I refuse to concede my title.
MysticStar Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 When we first got married we fought like cats & dogs. I can remember once being in the middle of an argument with my wife and we were yelling at each other. Suddenly I thought "this is nuts, I'm not yealling anymore" I immediately started answering my wife back in a calm quiet voice. Suddenly in mid sentence my wife stopped and (yelling even more irritated) said..."Why aren't you yelling at me anymore!!!!" Her response made me smile, which made her stomp out of the room in a huff. But that was then, this is now. Maybe we got all the fight out of us, maybe we just got use to each other, or maybe we just decided nothing is really worth fighting about anymore. We rarely rarely fight anymore.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I have never argued with my girlfriend. When I tell this to my friends, I always get this weird response, like my relationship isn't real or deep enough. That's far from the reality though. We don't argue because first of all we are greatly compatible. We aren't really that similar, but we fit into each other's grooves. I'm generally quiet, she talks a lot more, I enjoy listening to her talk, and she enjoys my sympathetic ear and my usually intelligent or humorous replies. Our emotional responses to various situations are similar, though she reveals it more. We don't compete with each other, we complement each other, we fill the others needs. Secondly, she's incredibly intelligent. She's one of the smartest individuals I know. I respect her. With some of my exgfs, I have had moments of chauvinism and intellectual frustration, and this had often made me argumentative and uncooperative with them. With my current gf, I deeply respect her views and opinions, so I take the time to hear them out, and they are always reasonable if not always agreeable. We are equals in the relationship, there's no relationship equivalent of the "white man's burden" so to speak. So here's my take: people argue when there's a lack of compatibility and respect. If you lose compatibility, try holding on your respect of your SO; and if you lose respect for your SO, try to grasp the things that made you bond in the beginning. Other than the first sentence, this could have been written by my SO. We have had what I consider arguments exactly twice in over three years. Sure there have been some differences of opinion, but those are easily talked through. We LISTEN to each other! Even when we initially think "I am right, but I will allow my SO's opinion to be heard." Always, when truly listening and hearing the other's thoughts, an agreement is quite simple. Neither of us HAS to be right! We are both opinionated, yet we have so much respect for the intelligence and experience of each other that listening is easy. Maybe real compatibility makes it easy. We share the same core values! The same financial values, relationship "role" ideals, concerns and ways of dealing with child upbringing, etc. (no joint kids, but three live with us. His and mine. Even the kids are happy!) I've never had such a conflict-free life! If I could erase the former marriages, the quarreling over the same topics endlessly (!), and just find this man from day one , that would be ideal. But I know that all that former "experience" got us where we are today. Blissful!
Bobby NoBrains Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Towards the end of our time together we would argue all the time, and I mean all the time. Everything was an argument that led nowhere except bring up old hurts and old mistakes. It got so bad I asked her to move out and she did, to her parents' place. After that we've both cooled down, but things still go into arguments every so often if we're talking more than we need to. Hopefully things will improve. We're not in a good situation right now, heh. Just my two bits .. Bobby
Ocean-Blue Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Up till a week ago, it seemed like my bf and I argued constantly for weeks. Now, I'm giving him his space and we don't argue. At all. Probably because I'm starting lose interest on some level. Ain't that nice.
PerfectLee Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Maybe we got all the fight out of us, maybe we just got use to each other, or maybe we just decided nothing is really worth fighting about anymore. I really hope this is the case for my GF & I. From the start of the New Year to now, we've had one fight, which is great compared to last year! We decided to put our feet down & really commit to rediscovering each other & also to stop fighting over petty things which tend to escalate into what the other one did 6 months ago also. For the couples who don't fight anymore: How did you get to that point? Was it a mutual decision? Did you just wake up the next morning & stop fighting? Counseling?
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