I'm struggling with the end of my marriage.

January 8, 2008

Hi guys. Not sure why or what brought on this mess in my head. My H thinks since he has been "good" (his words not mine) that all is forgiven?! He has a possible child on the way (5th affair) and I am suppose to be grateful that he has been "good" for 3 or 4 months??

New Year's Eve I was thinking back over the year of 2007. He cheated most of the entire year up to August! All those lies and most of all the deception, I cannot began to tell you the PAIN in my head and especially my heart that I carry daily. I am not sure why I am carrying this for HIM? All I know is that I am HURTING and it does not stop. I can't do one thing in a day without this mess reminding me of it. It is like a piece sitting on my shoulder that no matter what I do it will not go away.

Today, a lot of financial things and this mess with my personal life is building up and I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't quit crying, aching, hurting, being pi$$ed off and most importantly cannot stop bashing him. I just try not to talk to him because frankly I do not have one good thing to say to him! I hate this.

Any help out there? I know our marriage is over and cannot be salvaged. But now what?? The pain is more than I can bare.

Just hurting beyond words.

abeliever

January 8, 2008

Today, a lot of financial things and this mess with my personal life is building up and I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't quit crying, aching, hurting, being pi$$ed off and most importantly cannot stop bashing him. I just try not to talk to him because frankly I do not have one good thing to say to him! I hate this.

Hold strong and apathy will come in time. When you don't hate him anymore... instead you just kind of pity the broken loser that he is... then you will be at peace.

No matter how bad things look today, your future is bright with him gone. I can provide you nothing but my best wishes.

January 8, 2008

Do be honest with you you are a very strong person, stronger than me. Because of the fact that you stuck with all that for so long. He sounds like he has a very serious problem he needs help with. But as much as it destroyed you and the two of you it's not your problem. There will be many more times of crying. Many. Let it out. Many nights of pain, and sorrow. (nights are the worst as opposed to days of course)

But the fact is that from the time he started this crap you deserved better. You along with all out there deserve a person who will commit and stick to their vows. Not take them lightly. Be one for you and only you. I can't imagine the pain you bear, but I know that time heals even the deepest of our wounds. It's hard to see now but this is another learning and growing experience. Probably one of the hardest, and a long one. But that's what it will be in the end.

Be so thankful your marriage is ending, it was not a marriage at all because of him. He doesn't deserve some one like you. And when the pain and tears are gone he'll have nothing but guilt while you will be the bigger better person of it. Let those feelings submerge. Even get counseling for yourself. That's what I'd do. *huge hug*

January 8, 2008

Aw Abeliever...I am sorry you are hurting. I feel your pain, literally. I wish there was a timeframe that we knew of that would help us tell how long we need to feel this way.

It's really awful. I am sick of feeling sad, depressed, worthless, etc. I have heartburn all the time. I have the flu, I am not eating, and sleep is non existent. However, he's sleeping like a baby. I can't even. I just can't even understand how this happens to people, good people.

I wish you happiness. I wish I could take the pain away.

January 8, 2008

Aw Abeliever...I am sorry you are hurting. I feel your pain, literally. I wish there was a timeframe that we knew of that would help us tell how long we need to feel this way.

It's really awful. I am sick of feeling sad, depressed, worthless, etc. I have heartburn all the time. I have the flu, I am not eating, and sleep is non existent. However, he's sleeping like a baby. I can't even. I just can't even understand how this happens to people, good people.

I wish you happiness. I wish I could take the pain away.

Wow. I am the same way. I've had a stomach problem where I can't eat with out going to the bathroom. I caught the flu which went to a head cold. I'm constantly emotional and in tears. But as you say he sleeps like a baby, laughs all the time. Is happy from what I can see. Why are they like that? Like when we hurt they aren't hurting at all?

January 8, 2008

Wow. I am the same way. I've had a stomach problem where I can't eat with out going to the bathroom. I caught the flu which went to a head cold. I'm constantly emotional and in tears. But as you say he sleeps like a baby, laughs all the time. Is happy from what I can see. Why are they like that? Like when we hurt they aren't hurting at all?

I don't really know if he is sleeping like a baby as he has moved and is 1,000s of miles away but when we spoke the last time...November...he said he was the HAPPIEST he's ever been. I don't really believe him. If he was that happy...I don't think he would say so. Plus, why kick me as I'm down....but who knows really. I just know that I am hurt and sad and frustrated and ready for this to be over and he is not showing any of these feelings besides some crappy mixed myspace quotes. I just want to wake up and not care anymore. Like he did. I just can't anymore. I give up. I want my life back. I am trying to move on...I am doing what everyone says...but I am still in love, I still have unaswered questions, I am still sad. I just watn a break. I am tired!

January 8, 2008

This guy continues to do this because you tolerate it. It's upto you now to pull yourself up, hold your chin high and walk away to something better. Don't let the fear of the unknown be an excuse to stay with someone like him.

He will not change. It's time to start making yourself happy. Start doing this today.

January 8, 2008

Hello Friend ! First, you have been one of best supporters over the past few months and I appreciate that more than you know ! Second, your H is a nut case, I am sorry how in the h---- did you stay this f---- long. You are my damn HERO now.

Stay tough and look at him and see all the things he really is and it will make you want to hurl ! You are a good woman and deserve SOOO much better........hang on we are almost there !

January 8, 2008

AB.. Why don't you try to make ONE DRASTIC CHANGE, you pick it, whatever you can choose to change that will be a permanant change for the rest of your life, or at least a VERY long time (help from others on LS for ideas...)

Then notice how "confident" you will feel. Then make another CHANGE, then another and finally, make the biggest change of all: GET RID OF HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL...

You can do it and you NEED to do it

Hang in there sweetie

January 8, 2008

Thank you everyone who has sent me a message.

I do not lack confidence. I do know I deserve better and when healed (however long it takes) I will find happiness I am sure of it. Just today I am weak. That is so hard for me cause I am the STRONG one usually.

It sucks, that I stayed in the M and constantly tried to make it work then to have it all end. Like most others my life was good so I thought. But life goes on, right??? So, I will keep moving forward. One day at a time.

Looking back the last 3 to 4 years have been really bad guess I was still in hopes we would triumph thru it all and one day say we made it 30 yrs! I think when you realize it is ending and your feelings are no more it is like a death. I look at him and do not like what I see. That is very hard for me. He was my best friend. No more do I go to him for advice seek refuge when things are hard. Sometimes I want my friend back! But that friend is dead to me now. He is a mess that I cannot fix nor do I want the job of trying to do it for him. My H still thinks that he is right by his actions and made a comment last week that if I was so upset about the baby coming in April that maybe I should go buy his baby that is coming some diapers! Then laughed in my face! That was a knife in my heart. He will never get any love, friendship, anything from me again. That is another straw that has been broken.

We had bad toronados here last night and as I took cover with my three dogs he was upstairs and unconerned with my safety and as a husband he is suppose to be there and be a protector. I know my own answer it just sucks that I am here and this is my life. Never in a million years did I think this is where I would end up. It sucks.

But thanks to all who have answered. My head is swimming with pain and hard to keep it together today lots of crying and just pain but make no mistake I will prevail.

What other choice do I have?

abeliever

January 8, 2008

I will prevail. What other choice do I have?

You will prevail and come through this stronger than you can ever know.

The hardest part of leaving a relationship is letting go of what you thought the relationship was and/or could have been.

Your husband wasn't the man that you thought he was when you married him, nor can he ever be that man. The same could be said of your marriage. Your marriage was predicated on lies and you didn't deserve this.

Grieve the loss of your illusions, and perhaps you can gain some solace in the fact that sometimes we go through all this awful sorrow and pain so that we can recognize the good when if finally happens.

Just as the sun will rise tomorrow, you will heal and move on, and once again there will be joy in your life.

January 8, 2008

You don't have a choice. You have to prevail. And you will. You are strong, and deserve happiness. You will find happiness away from all this like you never imagined.

January 8, 2008

Make your choice, and work your game plan.

If you know that your marriage is over, then file for divorce, and work through those proceedings. He needs to leave the house immediately and live somewhere else. You need to set a clear boundary about how much of a part of your life he's going to be going forward. You need to get some counseling to help you cope with the changes that the end of the marriage and the loss of that relationship.

If the marriage isn't over, you need to INSIST on clear expecations for recovering. Marriage counseling, individual counseling...a game plan for rebuilding and recovering your marriage from the damage of his affairs. He doesn't get to say no...if he wants to give your marriage a chance.

Either way, take control of the situation away from him (since he's clearly no longer trustworthy or has your interests in heart), and do what you need to do...either for yourself, or for your relationship.

The choice is up to you. Once you make a choice, work with a counselor and/or lawyer to develop a gameplan to implement your choice.

January 8, 2008

Look up the five stages of grief. It's something you are going through.

January 9, 2008

Thanks for the kind words.

I looked up the five stages of grief. I am at the 4th stage. I have filed for a divorce and he keeps avoiding the sheriff to be served, then has atty file stupid motions to slow the process. We still live together but seperate in the same house. House on the market (our market is slow) and we own a business together. The line is drawn in the sand, but until all the financial things are resolved then it will be slow.

I have cried all day, for no reason really but one person said grieve the loss of the illusion, whoever said this hit the nail on the head. Why can't I let it go? I feel so foolish to even be upset over all that he has done. I know he is not for me and doesn't deserve me. So why can't I just let it go?

Now it is making me mad. ??????? I am puzzled about it.

abeliever

January 9, 2008

Thanks for the kind words.

I looked up the five stages of grief. I am at the 4th stage. I have filed for a divorce and he keeps avoiding the sheriff to be served, then has atty file stupid motions to slow the process. We still live together but seperate in the same house. House on the market (our market is slow) and we own a business together. The line is drawn in the sand, but until all the financial things are resolved then it will be slow.

I have cried all day, for no reason really but one person said grieve the loss of the illusion, whoever said this hit the nail on the head. Why can't I let it go? I feel so foolish to even be upset over all that he has done. I know he is not for me and doesn't deserve me. So why can't I just let it go?

Now it is making me mad. ??????? I am puzzled about it.

abeliever

''Just ONE day girl, tomorrow is a new day... Make it a better day...

January 9, 2008

((abeliever)) here's afew hugs...And you cry when you need to - It'll just help you process the pain and hopefully make you feel better too.

for no reason really but one person said grieve the loss of the illusion, whoever said this hit the nail on the head. Why can't I let it go?

Because HE ruined your dream, your life that you two have shared and built together, all that you've worked for. He chose to ruin your lives by being stupid and selfish.

January 9, 2008

Thanks for the kind words.

I looked up the five stages of grief. I am at the 4th stage. I have filed for a divorce and he keeps avoiding the sheriff to be served, then has atty file stupid motions to slow the process. We still live together but seperate in the same house. House on the market (our market is slow) and we own a business together. The line is drawn in the sand, but until all the financial things are resolved then it will be slow.

I have cried all day, for no reason really but one person said grieve the loss of the illusion, whoever said this hit the nail on the head. Why can't I let it go? I feel so foolish to even be upset over all that he has done. I know he is not for me and doesn't deserve me. So why can't I just let it go?

Now it is making me mad. ??????? I am puzzled about it.

abeliever

Hunni - I don't think it's possible to "let it go" - no doubt others will disagree - I think "it has to let go" and I don't know when that happens - I wish it would - but pain and heartache takes hold and until your heart is ready to start healing, "it" is always there - I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think you can conciously just stop feeling - the feeling has to leave you, if you see what I mean, and when that awful empty hollow feeling starts to lessen - then I think thats when it starts to let go of you - and YOU then start to live again - minute by minute.

Does that sound gobbledegook - I know what I'm trying to say - just can't get the words out right.

Don't know if that helps any. My thoughts are with you.

January 10, 2008

Hi AB,

It didn't get any easier for me either. I couldn't trust him and kept on finding out things that he had lied about, when I had asked him for complete disclosure of the details. I found out so much that didn't just involve one OW but several. I just could not live that way and I divorced him. It's the small things added up with the large ones that helped me make my decision. He was never going to change and in my heart I knew that.

It does get easier with each day passing, even though it doesn't always feel that way. You get stronger with each new truth that you learn and you get to where you watch your h and you think to yourself, "how shallow he is." And like you, my H thought my forgiveness was instant and that he could just roll over like it never happened. Well, it did happen and it wounded me beyond belief, and I could no longer hear truth coming out of his mouth because of all of his lies. If he will tell you a small lie, he's going to lie about everything else too.

They get so used to believeing what they produce as the truth that they can't even be honest with themselves. Don't fall for that.

And the reason they don't show any concern for you, is because they've been so busy convincing the OW that they care for them, and love them, and want to be with them, that they no longer remember or care that they made the same damn promises to you. Don't let this happen!

The only thing I can really tell you, is to believe in yourself! Make yourself stronger every day, what does not kill us serves to make us stronger!

Also learn everything you can about your situation, knowledge is power!

Lot of cliches there but so true.

Good luck to you. Stop crying and start kicking butt and living your life for yourself, he wasn't thinking of you when he was involved with someone else, it's up to you to take your life back and make it what you want it to be. Keep your chin up, it does get better!

January 11, 2008

Someone said hang tight and it will change to apathy. I agree with that wholeheartedly. If you work through this time, you will find one day that you don't really care about him at all anymore. He can be there or not be there. In my case, as far as a lover or husband, my H sux now. It's hard to see your Statue of David topple down and just be a pile of crap, isn't it. Harder still when the Statue of David knows he's a pile of crap and you both could care less anymore.

My H and I are like old acquaintances, almost like relatives. There's no real love or connection there anymore. I don't hate him, I just don't love him anymore. Don't want the worst for him or anything, just don't want him at all.

Hard to live this way, isn't it? I know when I don't have to look at him every day, it will be alot easier for me. When can you move away? I hope it's soon.

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