lost4ever Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 When you found out about the affair did you tell family, friends, Co-workers, ect. (on both sides, spouse and yours)? And what was the reason for doing or not doing so?
reboot Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 No. In my opinion, the main reason to tell others is if you're trying to use exposure to bust up the affair. That wasn't necessary in my case, so I didn't feel there was any good reason to tell.
Owl Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Yes, I told pretty much everyone. I needed them to get her to see and start thinking about what she was doing, before she did something that prevented us from having any chance of saving our marriage. Turns out that it was probably the best possible thing I could have done. My family and friends didn't disown her...but they DID make sure she stopped to think about things. Ended up that one of my sisters was able to give my wife a lot of hope for recovering our marriage, as SHE'D been in an EA previously that none of us had known about. Her sister originally supported her plan to be with OM...then thought about it and called her back and chewed her butt for being foolish enough to ruin what we'd had for so many years. Three years later...no one thinks less of my wife. No one hates her, or holds what happened against her. As far as I can tell, it had no negative impacts in our relationships with anyone...except for those with OM of course! LOL I'd never read any of the marriagebuilders stuff at that point...it wasn't months later into recovery that I realized that this was a standard method of dealing with the affair. I simply did what I thought was the best thing I could do at the time.
Author lost4ever Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Owl, So you told because you wanted to save the marriage? What if you wanted to be done, would you have still told? Reboot, You didn't discuss this time / problem in your life with anyone?
herenow Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I told my sister and my closest friends the real reason why my H moved out. You would be amazed how many lives have been touched by infidelity. Sometimes misery loves company and it was therapeutic to share with those people who understood how I was feeling.
BetrayedMM Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Last time- yes. I had booted her ass out the door, and she was lying to everyone about why. Also, she was denying that she was screwing around at all, yet refused to go NC. Right. Exposure may have had an affect, but the A went on for at least another month. At least friends, family, everyone knew the truth. This time- no. She went NC immediately on d-day, and is terrified of the consequences of exposure, considering what she went thru last time. So, she continues to lie and deny, in an attempt to do a positively governmental cover-up! Oh well, this time exposure will come with divorce... after all, everyone will want to know why, and I have nothing to hide. The evidence will be presented in court for all to see, and 'releasing' it prematurely isn't really a good idea right now.
Owl Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Even if I'd have chosen not to rebuild my marriage, I would have told everyone. So that they could be there for ME as needed, if nothing else. No reason to lie or hide the truth...it would come out eventually anyway. Everyone would have asked where she'd gone/what was going on. I had nothing to hide...I had done nothing wrong. Simple enough to me.
BetrayedMM Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I hear that. I understand. Maybe I'm a bit vindictive in that I won't mind seeing the consequences of her actions hit her suddenly, but, hey, I was blindsided by her actions more than once. Since she wants to keep her dirty little secrets, there is no reason I can see to allow her to prepare legally, physically, emotionally, or financially for the consequences of those secrets. She will learn of my decision when she is presented with papers. Plus, at this point, I don't think I need much emotional support. The worst pain was a couple months ago, I'm past the worst of it(I think), and, besides, I didn't need 'help' making my decision, I'm not sure all the commotion was much help last time. I'm sure I'll get more 'help' and 'support' than I need eventually anyway. One more thing- since this isn't the first time, I was much better prepared emotionally. I already know what everyone will say and do... all I have to do is play it back in my memory. I'm in no big hurry for all that. Also, since for the time being, she still lives here, and so do my kids, this way the drama is kept to a minimum. Why should the kids and I have to suffer any more or longer than necessary?
silktricks Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 and only one person who was a friend of mine but didn't know my husband. She was also the only person who knew of the prior problems in the marriage and that we were separated. No one else, including family, knew. The reason I didn't tell people is because I decided to try to work things out. Telling would only have brought shame to him. He had enough shame going on already. And just because he had hurt me was no reason to break what I consider to be included in my vows of honoring him.
Planofool Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 My mother in-law was the first to know. I told her and we have talked almost every day since. She has been my confidant. Her husband ( my wifes Dad) screwed around on her and they divorced when my wife was 3. I also told one of our close friends who was going through a tough time with an alcoholic husband. Didn't give her many details just wanted her to know that other people were having tough times also. My mother in-law told my sister in-law. I also told one friend of mine. Nobody on my side of the family knows I just didn't feel the need to tell them. It was real interesting to see who she told and what she told them. She told one of her close friends who also called me to let me know what they had discussed. Most of the ladies she works with knew she was talking to her 2nd cousin all the time. She works 3rd shift and when they were not busy she would be on the phone with him. They even had a cute nickname for him. It wasn't the same one I had for him.....F**KSTICK.
reboot Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Reboot, You didn't discuss this time / problem in your life with anyone?No I didn't.
Crestfallen_KH Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 For the first few weeks, I just told my family we were "working through some issues." I said nothing to our friends except one - she's a dear friend and a therapist who I felt would not only keep things in perspective and help me, but would be able to forgive my ex-husband if we stayed together. I didn't want anyone to hate him or know if we continued on with our marriage. Unfortunately, my ex-husband didn't want to work on the marriage, so when it became clear it was over and he wanted to be with her, I began to tell. I told my family and shared the reason with some of our mutual friends. I said nothing to his family, but since he moved right in with her, it was pretty obvious what happened. It wasn't as though he was keeping some big secret. I have zero regrets about who I told and didn't tell.
jj2007 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 When you found out about the affair did you tell family, friends, Co-workers, ect. (on both sides, spouse and yours)? And what was the reason for doing or not doing so? I first found out about my H and OW hanging out together from my H's neice. Once I knew what was going on yes I told co-workers and family members on both sides. Everyone pretty much told him he was an idiot and didn't really have much to say to him until he broke it off with OW. I told everyone because I guess I needed their support and so I didn't feel like I was going crazy anymore.
JustBreathe Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I told everyone and regret it now because I lost some friends and some family members never forgave my husband. I told because they asked me what was going on, and because I needed someone to be there for me. I did not tell the OW's husband because he is sick with a debilitating disease of the lungs, very pale, thin and sick looking, I just couldn't do it to the man.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 When you found out about the affair did you tell family, friends, Co-workers, ect. (on both sides, spouse and yours)? And what was the reason for doing or not doing so? I wasnt married to the woman but it hurt like hell to have her cheat on me with her ex. I told my mom and she sympathized with me but I didnt have anyone to talk about it. I barely see my ex as it is, but I survived from it. Her stupidity does not my life make! Her cheating ass needed to learn that this is a cold world and when you pull stunts like that it will come back to you. She used me for a relationship and I used her and banged her when the opportunity presented itself. I thought hey I gotta get something after all the crap she put me through. lol.
cj1988 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 H--- yeah, I told everybody on my side and his side of the family and not many believed me at first....then things changed. OUR friends all believed me becasue they saw it with there on eyes (the way they were when we were all together, magnets) and did not take his side at all......he tried to prove I was crazy, BUT the only ones that believed that were the OW's family because they are all in denial because the circumstances are a little hard to swallow, SIBLINGS in an EA.....GROSS MAN!
reservoirdog1 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I didn't tell anybody at first, because XW had agreed, reluctantly, to work on the marriage. During that period, I refrained from telling anybody because I knew it would make things that much more difficult if the recovery was successful. That effort lasted about two months and then it ended when she called it quits. After that, I told my family members (never told her family members, but I think they found out somehow), and most of my friends. XW was pretty pissed off when I told her what I'd done, but I didn't care. My family and friends were very supportive and helped get me through the roughest time of my life. I don't regret having told them, and it was the right thing for me.
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