jdeedee Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Why am I always longing to get back together with someone after the relationship ends? Whether I am the one who ends it or not I always tear myself apart, obsess over everything they're doing and it just never does me any good. In the past I've replaced them with someone new and I just want so much to grow this time and not do that. In the back of my mind no matter how much I try to deny it I know two thing. 1) I want to get back with my ex. 2) It is better that I don't chase them. I always chase my ex, beg, plead, try to be friends secretly hoping they'll want me as more. It is no good for me and no good for her but I can't help but ache to have her back in my life. I had my first therapist appointment yesterday. When I mentioned always trying to get back with my ex she told me it's just easier that way, your ex is comfortable. I think it's more than that but I can't really put it into words. So those of you that have gotten over someone or have no trouble getting over people, how do you do it?
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 You want to know why you're this way right? I see two answers that come to mind. Complacency, because the ex is the familiar, and confidence issues. Those two things I would think are logical reasons for this cyclic problem. How do you get over this problem, get past the idea of ex chasing? Well the therapy is good of course. It takes self control, occupation of the mind and of your time, and just think about this. Do you really want some one who doesn't want you? Would you be begging if they did want to be with you? You have to realize you're worth so much more than that. And that's what I mean by confidence. I would also guess you don't like being alone. Hence replacing one girl with another. Am I right that you're scared to be alone? That's a typical reason for what you've described.
Author jdeedee Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Yes yes and yes. Now the real thing with this relationship that makes the pain and longing all the worse is I was the one who ended it. It's the first relationship I've ended and I still want to get back together with her. She, on the other hand, seems to care less. I've taken some major steps in my behavior. The last breakup I was in (breakup is even too strong a word, it was a two week Summer fling that I thought was more than it was) I did the whole calling, texting, letter writing, calling for months. This time I've been good, I've kept up with no contact except for one meeting to exchange Christmas gifts and an email a month after the breakup. That doesn't mean I don't check her facebook daily or have her on my mind 90% of the day, but I've been better. It's so hard to break this cycle of low self esteem and I wish I knew what to do. I wake up in the morning and say "I'm not going to obsess over her today." No matter how much energy I put into it though I weaken and by 10am I'm on her facebook. Hell, most days she doesn't even update and then when she does it just hurts me. I hate it.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I often wonder why mornings are the hardest. I think nights are the hardest myself.
Author jdeedee Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Mornings and nights tear me up. It's that whole routine I used to have, we'd shower together, have some nice cuddling and go to bed. Wake up, she'd get out of her morning shower, I'd huge her and wish her a good morning. How you miss the little things.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Mornings and nights tear me up. It's that whole routine I used to have, we'd shower together, have some nice cuddling and go to bed. Wake up, she'd get out of her morning shower, I'd huge her and wish her a good morning. How you miss the little things. Yes, nut stop beating yourself up over it. Stop dwelling on it. You're only digging a bigger hole of your own misery. Not healthy at all. Your entire focus and energy needs to be redirected else where, in a positive environment, with uplifting surroundings.
Nomad1 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 It doesn't really matter who breaks up with whom. If for instance your gf/W develops a romantic interest in somebody else, and you decide to break up with her, you would be forced to do it. Some people believe that the explanation to the question you are asking - 'Why do I attach emotionally to others so intensely?' - has its roots in our childhood. Were we securely or unsecurely attached to our mothers primarily and parents generally? It is not just about confidence and self-esteem. It is to do with a myriad of things, including our perceptions of relationships with others. I hope this doesn't sound too deep. Nomad1
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Yes, nut stop beating yourself up over it. Stop dwelling on it. You're only digging a bigger hole of your own misery. Not healthy at all. Your entire focus and energy needs to be redirected else where, in a positive environment, with uplifting surroundings. Oops. Should have said Yes, but, not nut, and that sounded very insulting. Misspelled. Needed to clarify that.
Author jdeedee Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Hey harsh words help sometimes. I'm going to make an initiative to stop dwelling. I am not ready to delete her from my facebook (which set this whole thing off this morning) but I have changed my privacy settings to stop showing her updates. Lets see how long this works. Someone mentioned a story on these forums about two wolves fighting in our minds, the one who wins is the one you feed more. I'm done feeding this self loathing person in my head. Now it's just a matter of keeping up with that.
wowIlose Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Not to hijack or anything.. but personally mornings are tougher for me just because at night I have reinforced my thoughts with positives and I tend to put things more in perspective. When I wake up all that reinforced positive thinking is gone coupled with the fact I have to go to work = a crappy low feeling.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Not to hijack or anything.. but personally mornings are tougher for me just because at night I have reinforced my thoughts with positives and I tend to put things more in perspective. When I wake up all that reinforced positive thinking is gone coupled with the fact I have to go to work = a crappy low feeling. I find going to work the distraction away from the problem. When you're tired, it's night time, a lot of more thinking takes place, and can't silence the mind to sleep. At least, that's how it is for me.
Author jdeedee Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 I find going to work the distraction away from the problem. When you're tired, it's night time, a lot of more thinking takes place, and can't silence the mind to sleep. At least, that's how it is for me. Work is particularly rough for me this time of the year. There is absolutely nothing to do so I get to sit around and be bored all day. I'd wish for more stress at the job but we all know I don't really want that
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Work is particularly rough for me this time of the year. There is absolutely nothing to do so I get to sit around and be bored all day. I'd wish for more stress at the job but we all know I don't really want that Aw, that sucks. I liked that about where I used to work. I was never bored or stressed. Always had plenty to do though. Bring a hand held game with you to work;-) j/k
Author jdeedee Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 I've been watching movies at work. Just finished Babel a few hours ago. A handheld game isn't too bad an idea actually, perhaps I'll dig out my Gameboy Advance and finally beat Zelda.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I've been watching movies at work. Just finished Babel a few hours ago. A handheld game isn't too bad an idea actually, perhaps I'll dig out my Gameboy Advance and finally beat Zelda. Geeze I remember playing Zelda on original NES back in my hay day. Big gamer here. Anyhoo, not trying to change the subject here.
wowIlose Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 that reminds me of playing zelda on my first game boy that was the size of a brick. Such a quality game though. anywhoooooo.
frd150 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I've been watching movies at work. Just finished Babel a few hours ago. A handheld game isn't too bad an idea actually, perhaps I'll dig out my Gameboy Advance and finally beat Zelda. Dream Job??????
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 that reminds me of playing zelda on my first game boy that was the size of a brick. Such a quality game though. anywhoooooo. The old school grey game boy with Zelda, and you could get the magnifying glass for the game boy? I had that one once upon a time.
Author jdeedee Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Dream Job?????? Or minimum wage. You chose
Shandy Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I can personally relate to this problem. I think it really has to do with a fear of being alone. For me, when I'm single I feel like something is missing, as if I have this love to give to a special person who is not there. You just need to transfer this "love" to yourself, that's all. Like instead of thinking about that special person, occupy your mind with how you can improve yourself, and make your life better. It's hard, but with time you will get used to being alone. One thing you need to do now is delete her from facebook. That will help a lot. You are feeding your emotions for her everytime you check her FB profile.
Author jdeedee Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 It's hard, but with time you will get used to being alone. One thing you need to do now is delete her from facebook. That will help a lot. You are feeding your emotions for her everytime you check her FB profile. I know I should delete her off facebook but I don't think I am ready. It is an act she will percieve as hostile and as sad as it is I care what she thinks. Not only that but I will still see her profile as we are in the same region. I put her on the do not notify list so she isn't blocked but I won't get her updates anymore. I'm really hoping that is enough. If it seems like I need to delete her I will. Sometimes I hate technology, "deleting" a friend is such a harsh way to phrase things. Yknow?
wowIlose Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I once felt like you... and now my ex is screwing new guys. Put things in perspective.. why should I give a **** when she could care less about me. Delete her man. Regain some power. Why give her the privilege of peaking into your life? I know .. i know.. its easier said than done. It took me 3 times before I finally removed her forever. Its not a hostile action.. your not together anymore, you can not be friends and shes cut you out of her life and so you should do the same(for yourself and to show some balls). If anything it will get her wondering why you removed her, if you play it cool it might actually put some regret into her mind.
Author jdeedee Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I am really not sure if I can or will or even should delete her from facebook. We didn't have a harsh falling out, mean words were never said and I really think deleting her would be an act of anger. I don't know, I would rather improve my own self control and ability to not check up on her life than remove her from my facebook -- and like I said, I can still just go to her profile if we're not friends so it'd be a solely symbolic gesture to myself. A gesture I am not really sure I think is right. Today has been a better morning. It is foggy and rainy out but my mood has lightened a bit. Just gotta do what you gotta do I guess to get by?
ElvenPriestess Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Deleting her isn't an angry thing to do, it's a step of healing for yourself and proving to yourself you can be happy solo. It shows growth and strength.
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