starlite Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Ok, it wasnts stupid, it was heartbreaking...well, it made me cry. My ex wrote me a really long email telling me I was right that I was the best thing in his life, that everything reminds him of me (food, tv, babies, etc), he misses me and wants to die for what he did to me. He told me he lost his best friend. He said his life has taken such a turn for the worse without me. It did, it was sad. I love him and reading that just broke my heart. I wrote back saying I didnt have time to respond right then, but that maybe I would later...and that I was very angry with him because he was my best friend yet he treated me with so little respect (he cheated on me in the beginning....and I believe it happened the night before we broke up as well). I dont know what I am looking for here on this, I guess I wanted to vent. I wish it was as simple as "Hes a jerk! Delete!" It's not though. When someone is so much of your life. I had a feeling that once 3 months hit (since breaking up) I would receive an email from him...i'm not sure if I read that somewhere or what...but Sunday was 3 months.
Confused9 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Wow. I don't know what to say. I guess you should just be happy that he realized he made a mistake...but remember too little too late? I hope to get an email like that one day. My X seems to hate me though...so I doubt I will. Sounds like a lot of us wish we could get an email like that but obviously it doesn't do much to make you feel better?!?! I don't even know if I would respond to be honest with you. I think you should wait and thing about it for a while, first.
PinkRibbon Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I personally think this is good that he sent you an email. Now weather or not you choose to reply to it is up to you but I see it as a good thing. It could lead you 2 back together or offer you some closure. Take your time and good luck.
jdeedee Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 (edited) Full Disclosure : I sent an email to my ex a month after I ended it with her apologising and telling her I missed her. She hasn't replied, and it's been a good 2+ weeks. I didn't cheat on her or anything like that but I did make mistakes and I admitted them. Don't wait too long. If you aren't going to take him back, be honest. I just beg that you don't make him wait forever with no response. I guess you've replied already and that's more than I can say about my ex. But believe me, it isn't the easiest thing in the world to admit you were wrong and apologise. It's a lot harder when they seem to give a **** less that you did. Edited January 8, 2008 by jdeedee
Author starlite Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 This is so hard. I wrote a very short response this morning saying I didnt have time but that I was still angry with him. I dont know what I am going to write later...but as much as I love him, I dont think I could be with him again. I would be so jealous and worried and insecure. He made me a mess and I hated it...I was so stressed. He blamed all his lies on me while we were together...and told me I was ruining us..but he had cheated on me and I was justified. I was getting counseling to work on MY insecurities...it was really manipulative. BUT!!!!! I loved him tons, there were LOTS of good times. I do think it was good to read that, in a way that at least I know he cares (which i already knew)...but it was bad because I have been doing good and just going onwith life and now i have something new to think of and consider. I wont make him wait forever jdee...But I cant give him a 100% we will or wont ever be friends. I drafted an email but i probably wont send that one. I think I might just say that right now I dont know how to respond. He through so much at me...it wasnts as simple as "I miss you and am regretful" He told me his life is falling apart and he wants to die for what he did for me (although I know he wasnt being literal). I wish i could just say "I Cant respond right now as I am still hurting..." But what about his life and how sad he is...(he is 29 by the way, I am 25). So confused!
jdeedee Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Man it's nice to see the other perspective of this whole sending an apology email thing. Wish I could give more advice to you.
sedgwick Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Wow. Damn, I'd give ANYTHING to get an email like that! Mine, I think, just forgot I exist.
SYRACUSE03 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I guess we all wish we could get a letter like this...but it does have it's negative side...resurfacing emotion. Good luck whichever way you go.
jtipouikidis Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I cannot speak for everyone and I am probably very bias right now. I do think it is very possible that he ment every word he sent in his email. I really screwed things up with my wife (I did not cheat) but I feel very guilty in how things went. You cannot fake change, I think if you have any feelings still for him, move very slow, talk on the phone, meet in very public places, dont rush into decisions. If he has actually changed you will see it over time. I know that every day I wake up and say I do not want to be the person I was. I actually have friends that got back together and have been remarried for 10 years. It took a lot of councelling and trust but it worked for them.
Author starlite Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Thank you for all your responses! I appreciate it. I wrote a brief email back telling him I didnt think now was the time for us to be friends, neither of us are ready for that. I also asked him what has happened to make his life go so down hill. He wrote another lonnng email telling me that he isnt who he wants to be. He said that the people he spends time with are just to fill time and no one is interesting to him anymore. I just feel so bad. We broke up 3 months ago. 2 months ago I found out he cheated. I dont know what I would need to be friends with him again...or more. I am not ready for that yet but I hate very much that he is hurting. From what I understand he is still sleeping with an old friend of mine...we werent super close...and I am quite convinced he cheated on me the night before we broke up. (The other time or times he cheated were in the first year). Dont you think that if he truly wanted to change he would say that in his email? You wouldnt tag him as manipulative, but he was, and I wonder if he is trying to manipulate me again?
Author starlite Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I guess we all wish we could get a letter like this...but it does have it's negative side...resurfacing emotion. Good luck whichever way you go. It does have a negative side. It does feel nice to know he loves me still and he knows he screwed up BUT i was moving on pretty well. I still thought of him everyday but now I need to think about what he wrote and on top of it feel bad for him feeling so down and alone. He knows I hate the idea of him being alone. It is worse than me being alone, but i have great friends and you guys...he doesnt really. He lost me by cheating and he lost his best friend by sleeping with his ex girlfriend. It's just not as easy as believing he is sorry and taking things slow. He is still hanging out with a girl who makes my blood boil...we wanted very different things (he is a party boy, i am not a party girl), he cheated on me and lied to me for 2 years! How do you trust after that...after blaming me for every lie he ever told?
jdeedee Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 It does have a negative side. It does feel nice to know he loves me still and he knows he screwed up BUT i was moving on pretty well. I still thought of him everyday but now I need to think about what he wrote and on top of it feel bad for him feeling so down and alone. He knows I hate the idea of him being alone. It is worse than me being alone, but i have great friends and you guys...he doesnt really. He lost me by cheating and he lost his best friend by sleeping with his ex girlfriend. It's just not as easy as believing he is sorry and taking things slow. He is still hanging out with a girl who makes my blood boil...we wanted very different things (he is a party boy, i am not a party girl), he cheated on me and lied to me for 2 years! How do you trust after that...after blaming me for every lie he ever told? If there are trust issues to be overcome, and it sounds like there are, the relationship is bound to fail. This guy has cheated on you in the past and it's very hard to imagine that one day down the road he won't do it again. Especially if he not only broke your relationship apart but also the relationship he had with his best friend. I am sure he misses you and I am sure he means well by emailing you, well for himself and for you two as a couple, but you need to find out what he is doing to heal and work on his own issues. Whether he is with someone now or not is also an issue. Would she be out of the question if you two got back together? What does she think of the letters he is sending you? Does she know about them?
Author starlite Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Hi Jdee...I dont really have answers to those questions because I havent entertained the idea of him and I getting back together. IF we were to, she would have to be out of the picture. They are not dating though...they go out with groups of friends and i think sleep together on occassion, I am not sure of the details. I dont think she knows about the emails, but since they are not bfgf etc she doesnt need to. One thing he is is honest when it comes to not wanting to be with someone. There are many trust issues on my end. I mean, he used to tell me a lie, even a little on...and then sit there and tell me I am crazy, insecure and ruining us...I would cry for 45 minutes saying " I know you are lying" because i just knew....After all of the drama he would say "Ok, I was lying." It should have been a huge red flag but instead he made me believe it was because i was insecure. Like I said...there were many many good times in the past 2 and a half years. He was my best friend, I loved him more than myself, we shared our lives...but there is just so much there that is telling me it is a bad idea. I do however want to try and write him something to make him feel better, a bit at least, let him know I love him very much and will for a while, but I just cant.
SYRACUSE03 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 A few things... 1. If he cheated multiple times, he lacks respect for you. If you ever decide to get back into a relationship with him, you need get to the root cause or it is destined to fail. You are the one who has to deal with this, not us. You need to do what is right for you. Personally, I do not condone cheating. If you want out...leave. 2. He is with another woman right now. How much respect is he showing this woman...NONE! This could be you and he is talking to another woman. This is a problem. 3. He is controlling. He knows exactly what to do to press your buttons and it's getting the wheels turning. 4. Nothing is impossible, but you need to be a realist. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be in a relationship where I can't trust someone and who has consistently lied over and over?". I think it is way too early to make a decision on what to do. I would focus on making yourself happy then seeing if you need him in your life to complete things. 5. Be patient...if his change is genuine, let him continue to show it. This also gives you time to realize that you deserve to be treated better and being in that type of relationship is not healthy. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.
Lee725 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 A few things... 1. If he cheated multiple times, he lacks respect for you. If you ever decide to get back into a relationship with him, you need get to the root cause or it is destined to fail. You are the one who has to deal with this, not us. You need to do what is right for you. Personally, I do not condone cheating. If you want out...leave. 2. He is with another woman right now. How much respect is he showing this woman...NONE! This could be you and he is talking to another woman. This is a problem. 3. He is controlling. He knows exactly what to do to press your buttons and it's getting the wheels turning. 4. Nothing is impossible, but you need to be a realist. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be in a relationship where I can't trust someone and who has consistently lied over and over?". I think it is way too early to make a decision on what to do. I would focus on making yourself happy then seeing if you need him in your life to complete things. 5. Be patient...if his change is genuine, let him continue to show it. This also gives you time to realize that you deserve to be treated better and being in that type of relationship is not healthy. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck. Very well put. With this post above me, there is little more i can contribute, except read it over and over again. Good luck
Author starlite Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 A few things... 1. If he cheated multiple times, he lacks respect for you. If you ever decide to get back into a relationship with him, you need get to the root cause or it is destined to fail. You are the one who has to deal with this, not us. You need to do what is right for you. Personally, I do not condone cheating. If you want out...leave. 2. He is with another woman right now. How much respect is he showing this woman...NONE! This could be you and he is talking to another woman. This is a problem. 3. He is controlling. He knows exactly what to do to press your buttons and it's getting the wheels turning. 4. Nothing is impossible, but you need to be a realist. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be in a relationship where I can't trust someone and who has consistently lied over and over?". I think it is way too early to make a decision on what to do. I would focus on making yourself happy then seeing if you need him in your life to complete things. 5. Be patient...if his change is genuine, let him continue to show it. This also gives you time to realize that you deserve to be treated better and being in that type of relationship is not healthy. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck. Syracuse- I agree with you!I dont think I could get back with him..not now especially! It is way too soon and I want to be on my own because I need to recover fully. About #2, I emailed him something about that, but they arent together, at all. They drunkinly got had sex a few times (or maybe a bit more), but they are mostly just friends who hang in the same group. I can verify this with my brother as they are good friends, but it doesnt matter. I miss him..but I will take your advice, and do exactly what I was planning on and just leave it be for now. I wrote him an email back because i felt so sad for him (I KNOW!)!!!!! He wrote back telling me not to feel bad for him, that he knows he hurt me immensly and cant fix that right now but he does hope one day I can find it in my heart to forgive.
jdeedee Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I miss him..but I will take your advice, and do exactly what I was planning on and just leave it be for now. I wrote him an email back because i felt so sad for him (I KNOW!)!!!!! He wrote back telling me not to feel bad for him, that he knows he hurt me immensly and cant fix that right now but he does hope one day I can find it in my heart to forgive. I would leave it at that and go back to NC. I hate giving this advice, for what its worth.
Author starlite Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 I would leave it at that and go back to NC. I hate giving this advice, for what its worth. That is what I am going to do. And as cliche as that advice is...sometimes it needs to be heard, or read, and it is so true!
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