Nomad1 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Hi all. Some of you may have read some of my threads. A quick recap. Wife of 17 yrs, 3 kids declared 4 months ago 'I love you but not in love with you' (by the way, when they say this they are almost always in love with someone else!). She wanted the divorce, the house sold etc. I took the reins and went to a solicitor to start divorce proceedings and the house is on the market. We have been living in separate rooms for 4 months. I don't feel anything for her now and I am moving on. I am just waiting for the house to be sold.. We are generally on talking terms but I am maintaining LC. Anyway, she is totally besotted with this guy she has been visiting in jail for the past 6 months. He is awaiting deportation back to his country, but he has been resisting it. He previously had a heroine addiction, has a child and a girlfriend and is 10 yrs younger than her. She has fallen for him big time, to the extent that she would give her life for him. She constantly walks around like a zombie. She has neglected the boys, her work and is forgetful and trapped in her own world. Sometimes the boys talk to her and she can't even hear them. She always wakes up late which means I am always getting the boys up to try to get them to school on time. She has become snappy and lies about everything. She can't remember things she said to me. She still maintains that it is just friendship but I KNOW that she is deep in it. A few times I tried to talk to her about it, but she gets angry and does not want me to mention his name. I am worried about the kids. I know that she is going to get hurt big time and that this will have an impact on them. I wanted to talk to her parents, and her sister about it. They know that we are divorcing but don't know the whole story. Should I just let her get on with it? How would you guys deal with this? This used to be a very nice, kind, devout Cathilic woman who took her family life and her work seriously. Nomad1
LifesontheUp Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Wow did this resonate with me for a number of reasons. Its exactly what my mum was like when I was growing up. She was so into her OM she would get annoyed at us kids if she couldn't see him, she was frequently out or if she wasn't her mind was elsewhere so she didn't pay us much attention. Years later when it all blew up in her face, she ended up with children that hated the sight of her. In fact my brother and sister don't bother with her to this day. IMHO you should tell her family. They need to know what is going on here with their daughter/sister. Your wife is so far gone that not even the divorce has brought her to her senses. Are you thinking of trying for custody of the kids?
Author Nomad1 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 LifesontheUp - Thanks for your comments. She wants me to have joint custody of the kids, and ultimately it will be their decision. Two of them want to live with me and I will be happy for them to either live with me or their mom. She is too deep into it and totally disconnected from reality. She is looking for someone to blame (ME) but I will continue to be civil and kind to my kids, so she only has herself to blame. I don't want my kids to hate her as I believe that it is important for them to love both their parents. A tricky one I am afraid. I will have to think about it. Thanks Nomad1
SeraBella Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 This is already having an impact on your children. I wouldn't want my children around someone like that. Especially looking at the type of person she is interested in. If he wasn't in jail, she could be bringing him around your kids! Who knows who/what she'll meet next. Keep in mind, everything the two of you are doing is impacting your children, AND their relationships in the future. Is she using drugs? That's what it sounds like to me.
Author Nomad1 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 No she is not on drugs and never has been. This is totally uncharacterestic. She has a responsible job too. The only way the guy can stay in the country is if she marries him. Yes of course it all has had a huge impact on the kids, but she does not appear to realise that and is not bothered. She is completely different from the person I knew. Very weird and very sad how some people destroy their lives! Nomad1
cracked1 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 No she is not on drugs and never has been. This is totally uncharacterestic. She has a responsible job too. The only way the guy can stay in the country is if she marries him. Yes of course it all has had a huge impact on the kids, but she does not appear to realise that and is not bothered. She is completely different from the person I knew. Very weird and very sad how some people destroy their lives! Nomad1 Hey Nomad. I'm sorry, your story makes mine look like a picnic. You sound like a good man and father. I wish the best for you.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 How did she meet this guy in jail??? See here's the thing about those inmates. They have all the time on their hands to write long love letters and be very attentive to whoever it is they are pursuing. That makes them really look good in the eyes of the person they are going after. He's probably only using her though to stay in the country or for money. I've heard that some of them keep several women on the hook at a time- to send them money and such. Pitiful. I think you should file before he gets out of prison and do whatever it takes legally to keep this wacko away from your children.
Author Nomad1 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 She knows him in a counselling / support context. You would think that there would be clear professional boundaries. She said that he is a very nice man and that it is just friendship. I know that it is more than friendship. I have already filed for divorce last week and I have put the house on the market. I can't wait to get my own place. I don't hate her though, I just feel sorry for her. The trouble is we had a very good relationship over 17 years! Travelled abroad every year, went out regularly, recently bought a lovely big house, both are successful in our careers etc.. She received lots of attention from me, so it was not a case of the neglected wife! Anyway, her loss Nomad1
jmargel Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Something very wrong is going on here. I would definetly contact a counselor or a doctor to see what your options are with her. Not in terms of divorce, but the mental help she needs. She is *not* thinking with a clear head and whoever this other guy is, has a grip on her. It's almost like she is brain washed. I would try to hold off on the divorce until after this guy is deported. You do not want your children around this guy. Hire a detective and get the criminal background of this guy. He will have a grip on your children, just like he does on your wife.
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Definately hold off divorce until he is gone. This is NOT a man you want around your kids and yes, you say your wife would never get involved in drugs etc., but you never know, especially if she is into this guy. I wouldn't even allow her joint custody either, not now.. Talk to her family, they need to know that she's very close to making some bad choices, ones that WILL affect her badly and those choices will hurt the kids too. She isn't thinking straight, she's in fantasyland where everything smells sweet and nothing can go wrong..
Author Nomad1 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 I advised her to seek help / counselling. She is reluctant to talk to anybody. I am not worried about the divorce. It was her idea to get married in the first place. I think that relationships between people can be equally as strong outside the marriage. In fact, I think that marriage complicates things. It is an extension of the power of formal institutions (the state / church). I doubt if she would dare take him to her future house. My boys are very big lads and won't take any nonsense from anyone. I think that she will wake up and smell the humous, but it will be too late. Once deported, I doubt if they will let this guy back in the country anyway since he has a crminal record. Nomad1
MakeLemonade Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I am sorry for what you are going through. It has to be very hard watching someone you love do something so destructive and yet they are oblivious to that fact. I will never understand women who have these crazy infatuations on these loser men. I hope she sees the harm she is doing and has done before it is too late and she loses everything over this criminal. Including your love & respect and quite possibly the love and respect of your sons.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Bottom line protect yur kids, your wife has alot of self esteem issues and if she doesnt see that potentially hooking up with an ex con out of prision isnt a red flag! She's a dumbass!!! Your kids come first and you need to get full custody if that's what needs to be done. My heart goes out to you and your children. You never hear of a man falling for an Ex-con woman and leaving his wife for her. That's just plain stupidity.
LifesontheUp Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Only your wife has the ability to ensure your kids will look up to her with respect and love. At the moment she is so far into this guy that nothing else matters. Its not rocket science, she is addicted to the feelings she has for this man, the high...its just like my mum was and my xH. Yes its like an alien has taken over her body, she's someone you no longer know. She may come out of it. My xH did when I threw him out and started divorce proceedings. My mum didn't....she continued to pine for the OM who threw her under a bus when it all came out. She was forever changed and to this day will never accept responsibility for what she did or behaved. In her eyes she was a loving mother who fell for OM because she fell out of love with my dad If it were me, I would try and get full custody of your children. Sorry to be harsh but your wife is not fit to be a mother to them at this time. Believe me unless they are very very young, they will pick up on what is going on. Also, with the way she is, do not think she wouldn't take the OM to her future house. This guy is not someone that should be around your children. I don't know where you live, but in this country we have a lot of workers from foreign countries. There are plenty that have criminal records, but are still here carrying out their criminal activities depite being caught.
Author Nomad1 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I am in the Uk. Got the divorce papers yeterday and went through them with her. She agreed with everything and signed. I hand delivered the documents to the solicitors this morning. She seems angry with me though. She looks tense and miserable all the time. She keeps blaming me for things that are nothing to do with me. I think that she finds it difficult when I am nice to her as it makes her feel guilty and would rather I was nasty to her to validate her actions. Nomad1
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I am in the Uk. Got the divorce papers yeterday and went through them with her. She agreed with everything and signed. I hand delivered the documents to the solicitors this morning. She seems angry with me though. She looks tense and miserable all the time. She keeps blaming me for things that are nothing to do with me. I think that she finds it difficult when I am nice to her as it makes her feel guilty and would rather I was nasty to her to validate her actions. Nomad1 There's no need to validate her feelings!!!! This is what she wanted!!! Right??? Did you go for full custody or joint with you being the primary??? She shouldnt move anywhere with them, you might never see them again!
LifesontheUp Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 In her mind you are the "bad" person, its how they justify what they are doing. She will have already re-written your marriage history to something completely different to what actually happened. So you both signed for the decree nisi yesterday. I would assume you also completed the statement on what happens with your children. So did you go joint custody? or is she letting you have full? If I were you I would continue to be pleasant as whatever happens it is better for your children. I find it so sad when people start behaving as your wife is. They get so infatuated that nothing but the OP matters and quite often when reality hits its too late. When children are involved, they run the risk of messing up their childrens lives as well as their own......"sigh".
Author Nomad1 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Thanks for the reply. No, it was not the decree Nisi. I only went to the solicitors last week to commence proceedings. It was just the first draft of the letter to send to her, but I went through it with her. The children are likely to spend one week with me and one week with her. I am on friendly terms with her at the moment. Yes I agree that it is good for the kids to maintain it that way. The trouble is up until recent months, she was a really really nice person. That is why I feel sorry for her. Yes I am sure she will wake up at some point, but it is too late. Thanks Nomad1.
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