e.clipse Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 "sometimes, even when i am with you, i still feel lonely." (posted here because i don't know where else it could go.) anyway, the first statement was just recently brought to my attention, and i have been thinking about it since. i am not sure if something is wrong with me--though i often feel there is much wrong with me--or if being "quiet" is just part of my nature, but being told the above, i am starting to think it is a discomforting and unraveling problem. you see, in general, i am not the most talkative person, though i can be quite the windbag every now and then, but mostly with completely irrelevant and bizarre topics/discussions. i know it may not seem this way here, since my posts are often dragged out far more than necessary (sorry!), but, in person, i fall more into the "quiet" category, especially when i'm around people i am not very familiar/comfortable with. with my friends, i am significantly more chatty, though it is mostly meaningless banter, meaning that between my friends and i, no real deep or meaningful conversations take place. or, at least, hardly ever. most our talks are of mundane natures, which typically end in a barrage of inside jokes. still, though, i'd say that amongst us all, i am the "quiet" one. in fact, the only people i can think of whom i never shut up with are two of my older nephews. whenever we get together, it is non-stop talk. it is relatively similar to the types of conversations i have with my friends, though with them i am much more "goofy" and have absolutely no problem being and acting like a total idiot. they are 16-17 years old, btw. with other people, though, i am not as goofy, and i am not sure why. sometimes i think it's because most people perceive me to be a certain way, and that the thought of them seeing me act otherwise is kind of unnerving to me. i'm not sure. but it is sad when someone close to you tells you that even with your company, they still feel lonely. in my case, it is that my lack of conversation makes it so that the silence is so strong, it is virtually palpable. what is even worse is hearing other friends as examples and how their conversations with them, even if mostly about nothing, can go on and on. (on this point, i was told that they don't intend for me to be like the others, but that it was just an example...) ah, i don't know. all i do know is that i feel bad because i know this is true. often, when the silence is so thick, i think to myself, "man, this is awkward...i need to say something, but what?!" and i just keep talking to myself, in my head, thinking about how uncomfortable it must be for the other person, blah blah--you know, just dragging out the silence more. often, they will throw something out there, and i will respond, but it will fizzle quickly and we will go back to the same thing. and i hate this, especially since i am concerned about people whom i've known for years and years--why am i so non-talkative?! i want to talk, to be "funny," goofy and what have you--like i am with my nephews, for example--but i don't know why i seem unable to with anyone else. i feel like i have some sort of inhibition i can't rid myself of. and that makes me sad, because my company feels like such crap, even to those i really care about. but i just don't know what to do to overcome this. i don't even know if it is something that can be overcome. sigh.
Storyrider Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I don't know. Silence doesn't have to be something to avoid. I think that silence between people who care about each other should be OK and not something you must fight. I would much rather be with someone like you, who I enjoy, and have silence than with someone who feels compelled to blab on and on just for the purpose of filling every silence. One can hear what people are saying in their silences, too, by listening the right way. Like white space in a picture. Silence is meaningful.
Nemo Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 "sometimes, even when i am with you, i still feel lonely." The person who said this is socially retarded. Sure, if someone wants to chant, and transmute to another plane of existence, then this is possible. But then why brag about it? If two people can't connect, can't relate, then how is it one person's problem?
Nemo Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Silence is meaningful. There's nothing quite like nothing. And you're like nothing I've ever come across before. And I'm very familiar with nothing, but just not the kind that speaks to me like yours does.
Storyrider Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 There's nothing quite like nothing. And you're like nothing I've ever come across before. And I'm very familiar with nothing, but just not the kind that speaks to me like yours does. Yours are quite multi-layered. Especially the longer ones.
Author e.clipse Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 oh, you two... anyway, i don't know how to articulate what i am trying to say. that and my internet connection for the time being is very unstable. i wonder if it has decided to mirror my life. interesting. story, i understand what you are saying, and i agree. the thing is, though, that i think there are two "types" of silences. there is the kind where the lack of speech is exactly what makes the conversation amongst the personalities/souls meaningful, and then there is the kind where the lack of speech makes the moment entirely awkward. for me, it is the latter i have a problem with. while i have no problem enjoying the beautiful sound of silence in some (many) instances, there are others where i feel like the silence is yelling at me to break it. and i feel bad for it. as an example: when at family gatherings of my friends and other special people, often i only engage in conversation with one or two of the adults, smiling here and there with the rest, so as to not seem like a total alien. the problem is that i do feel like an alien, completely alienated and out of place, with nothing but a weak smile to say. most often, i will chatter with the kids around about whatever. i don't know why this is, though. but it sucks. and a lot, especially since i wish i could be with the rest of the adults, talking here and there, laughing and just being a part of the family, even if for only that moment. but i can't. i want to, but i feel stuck. maybe i should just become a hermit. maybe i really have nothing to say. maybe i'm just dumb.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 If you get drunk silence is more interesting, especially if theres a television around
Nemo Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 If you get drunk silence is more interesting, especially if theres a television around You would have been better off saying nothing. Sometimes nothing is better than something. You won't see that on television.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 You would have been better off saying nothing. Sometimes nothing is better than something. You won't see that on television. is this some sort of zen proverb?
Nemo Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 is this some sort of zen proverb? I'm not sure. If it's not, then it should be.
Sifu Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Perhaps you're looking at this in a slightly skewed manner - maybe that's what is causing your anxiety. Instead of seeing the "social silence" as a problem to be overcome, have you ever considered it as a positive thing? There are sooo many windbags in the world, as Willie Shakespeare would say, Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing...but there are precious few who are comfortable with themselves - and others - in a more introspective manner. The person that said they felt lonely - that's THEIR burden, not yours. We're each responsible for how we feel and respond to others, and cannot in all honesty throw the ball back into anyone else's court. You appear to be at ease with your two nephews - perhaps that's the "real you". Attempting to change that can be an exercise in futility.
Sifu Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I'm not sure. If it's not, then it should be. In Zen philosophy, the usefulness of many a thing - a tea cup, a room, a mind - is centered in it's emptiness, or nothingness. What good is a cup without being empty? You couldn't fill it. Nothingness is the canvas upon which the material world is drawn.
Storyrider Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Well, when in doubt, you can always ask people about themselves. Most people love talking about themselves. Just ask them what they do for a living, where they went to school, if they are native to the place where you live, what kind of ancestry they have, etc. etc. It is completely normal for younger people to be at a loss when talking to older people. Especially introverted younger people. And small talk takes practice. BTW, my MIL would love you. A captive, silent audience. If you see her, run! Also...I wonder if the person who criticized you expects you to entertain him. Tell him you are not a TV or a cruise director.
patterns Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Isn't it a matter of a) perception, and b) what you both need from a relationship? If her needs are for more interaction, then that is what needs to be said. If you can't give her more interaction because you are comfortable with who you are with her, then it sounds like her issue rather than yours. But you sound unhappy - as if someone has pulled the rug from under you and you're not quite sure which way to turn. So whether you're quiet or not quiet, quiet in some situations and not others, that's you - it's not really up for debate in a public forum as we all have different needs and wants in a relationship. If she is lonely that is masking something that she needs from you that she's not quite telling you yet - maybe she doesn't yet know how else to voice it. But often the best way is to both sit down and work out what you both want / need from a relationship and how best the other is able to meet those needs. So get back to you, what do you need from this relationship and can you ask her the same?
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