Going insane.

[IWALH]

I don't know what is happening... but I think I am losing it! I have remained remarkably calm throughout the last 6-7 months since the last time I spoke to xMM. I am very proud of myself for picking myself up, brushing myself off, pushing him out of my head (except for bitter thoughts here and there), and just trying to pretend like the first part of 2007 never happened.

 

That all went out of the window during my winter break and the new year. I had time to really reflect and think deeply about everything that happened and now I am just going insane! First of all, when I really started to think about what I did, the disgustingly horrible things I did, with xMM when I saw him and when I was "sneaking around with him" I just absolutely HATE myself. I just CANNOT believe that I did those things! I know some of you probably remember what some of the things were.... Sure, I knew back then that what I did was bad, especially when I woke up to reality and "saw the light." But not until this period of deep reflection did I realize the disgusting magnitude of what I did.

 

So I wrote his wife a letter. I had to. The title was "Apology" and it went as follows:

 

Dear *****;

 

Let me start off by stating that I have no ulterior motives in writing this email. It is simply what the subject suggests: an apology. With the new year and a winter break from school, I have had some time to reflect on things and this is one thing that I believe I really owe you.

 

I am not going to sit here and try to justify anything that happened last year, for there is no way to rationally justify any of it. I am utterly appalled at myself for some of the things that happened and I still cannot believe that last year was real and not some awful nightmare.

 

Out of everything that happened last year, the thing that I feel the worst about is what I did to you and your family. I am so so sorry and I truly wish your entire family all of the happiness in the world.

 

I have discarded all contact information for you and *****. I have no idea what is going on in your lives nor do I have any desire to know. I feel it is best for us to all remain in no contact, as I am sure you do as well. I just wanted to say this one last thing to you because I don't think I could live with myself forever without saying it. I really am very sorry for everything, *****. I hope that you can, one day, find it in your heart to forgive me.

 

Sincerely,

******

 

 

And you know what? Maybe I should have just NEVER contacted her again for the rest of my life... but I HAD to apologize. I was just sick to my stomach and really fretting over it and I just had to. For her and for me. I felt better after I sent it.... until I started thinking about other things!!! Such as.... she has probably deleted and blocked my email address just like I did to her and xMM at the end of June. It wasn't until just recently that I unblocked her email address. If that's the case, then what was the point of the apology letter? She will never see it and know how I feel and will forever think I am just some contemptuous, vile, disgusting human being. Either that or that I am just some nut... which I think I might be turning into now!

 

That's another thing that is making me crazy. When sh*t hit the fan and xMM was talking to me all frantic and crazy because I posted "everything" (I left a few things out) on here and he was asking me if I could get all of my posts deleted (hence my posts to the mods around that time asking if they would delete my account) because she was going to take his children from him and he would never get to see them again. So to try and help him, because I was hopelessly devoted to him, I tried to get the posts deleted. When that didn't work, I told him to tell her that I just made it all up because she wouldn't be able to keep the kids away from him if she thought it was all just a bunch of bologna. He kind of paused and said something about that being a good idea. I then told him I would rather he not do that because it would make me look even more insane than I already looked for actually doing what I did.

 

Anyway, here is why I am going crazy: I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what happened after the end of June!!! The last time I had contact with her she was calling me a disgustingly vile human being and saying I could have him and I "won my prize." The last time I spoke to him he told me he loved me and he said he would come down and get me whenever I wanted him to and then said he would call me the next day and NEVER DID. Like I have said before, I never called him either because that's when I realized (after he didn't call all day and I was left there alone at home in tears) it was all a joke to him... or he just decided he wanted her more than me. Either way, I was devastated and wasn't going to make an ass out of myself anymore. I am VERY stubborn and I do NOT chase people that do not want me. I don't chase people, period. I just let it go....

 

Gosh, I am crying now. What is going on???? I have kept my composure until now. Then again, I have been keeping all of my emotions in this entire time as well. Sure I come on here and talk tough and say mean things about him from time to time... but that's honestly to cover up the deep pain and hurt I feel... that I still feel... about it all.

 

You can tell me all you want he was a liar, I am better off without him, blah blah blah blah blah. And I hear you. I understand you. I believe it, on the outside. But deep deep inside of my heart... I just don't hear it.... I can't hear it. I don't think I will ever be the same. I don't think I will ever be able to love someone as much as I loved him. Which might be a good thing, since I compromised my morals and integrity so much just to please him and be with him. I did whatever it took to be with him... until the end, when I caved for some reason. I know it was God intervening in my life (sorry to the non-believers, this is just how I feel...) because if I just kept quiet and didn't tell his wife about what was going on and inadvertently lead her here to find out for herself what had been happening then they probably would have been divorced. I never talked about everything he was saying to me at the end of it all. During the time I was keeping quiet and not saying a WORD to his wife, he was a sweetheart to me. He was talking to me several times a day, got his co-worker to get on the phone and tell me how much xMM was in love with me, he was telling me to get up there ASAP (I didn't have a car then).

 

UGH. I just keep thinking about all of these things.... and I know I have really gone off on a bunch of tangents.... but I am JUST NOW really starting to feel the pain and heartache of it all. I pushed it away for so long and now it's all here... on the surface. I mean, I have felt pain about it before, but I just keep it in. Or I talk to one of two friends that know EVERYTHING (I have only told 2 people EVERYTHING that happened.... it's obviously very embarrassing to admit what I did to people... I usually just tell people that I was talking to him again and later realized he was lying and then walked away... I don't tell them what happened during the time that we were "talking" again).

 

I just feel like I am dying inside. Dying because of what I did to her and her family (that's the biggest thing I feel HORRIBLE about), dying because he (most likely, again I have NO CLUE) just made me out to be a psycho liar. And I am dying because, as much as I say I am better off without him and don't like him and he's just an "old schmuck," I am still very much in love with him.

 

I am also dying because I have gotten into a LOT of debt trying to give my little girl the things that a child with two parents gets and I get NO child support from him so I am now faced with the decision of getting on public aid or going after him for child support which would then just open up a WHOLE NEW CAN OF WORMS!!!!

 

I am dying because SO MANY times I look at my beautiful little girl's face, I see him. She looks so much like her dad, it's ridiculous. Her winter picture looked just like him.... just like him.... the eyes, forehead.... gosh. And she is such a sweet and smart little person that it makes me SO ANGRY at him for not WANTING to be a part of her life!!!

 

I am dying because she has siblings out there that know about her and love(d) her that she will probably never know because of my (and his!) SELFISHNESS.

 

The love I had for him took over every aspect of my life. I told him that if it turned out he was lying to me that I would be destroyed. While that didn't happen at first, I am JUST NOW starting to feel the destruction.

 

*sigh*

 

Yes, I know I am better off without him. Yes, I know I will find a guy that is much better than him one day. But will I ever have that same intense connection and the same sparks I had with him? I highly doubt it....

 

Yes, I know I did the right thing by not contacting him after the last time we spoke.

 

Do you want to know how else I am going insane??? Tonight I was just thinking about him SO MUCH that I googled his screen name and found a forum where some people were talking about this thing he DJed at (he's a part-time dj... I met him when he was a full-time dj, that's a whole other story that would shed even more horrible light on the situation) and then someone apparently really liked him as a DJ and wanted his contact information so they could hire him for an upcoming event, so the person gave them his email address. This was just in November. I guess I am just feeling crazy about that because his life is obviously just going on as usual and he is getting gigs and probably just as HAPPY AS A CLAM. Because he probably did a stint in rehab, just like last time, lied about ME, just like last time, and convinced everyone he is just this poor soul who needed a little fixing and is all better now.

 

I know... that sounds borderline stalkerish. But that is ALL I have done in seeing what he's up to. I would NEVER contact him again because I am too stubborn and I now know what his true intentions were. I know he wasn't serious about me, or cared about me.... or WHATEVER. And I just could not contact him for my own SANITY... whatever is left of it after tonight, that is.

 

UGGGH.

 

I am now at a loss for words. I just had this overwhelming abundance of emotions fill me up and bust out of the seams and now I just feel exhausted....

 

Thanks for listening..... how in the world am I going to be able to focus on my math homework???

 

 

I think I am going to write Dr. Phil....

[GreenEyedLady]

Take a deep breath...

 

Be proud of yourself! Look how far you've made it?! You're strong and lovable and you will make it through these confusing, heartwrenching emotions!

 

This is just a temporary setback...Just pick yourself up and move forward...Don't look back...Focus on your D, yourself and school...Do not worry about things that cannot be changed; learn from them...

 

You are worthy of being loved, you are worthy of being respected and you are worthy of being forgiven...But forgiveness starts with yourself...

 

Do whatever it is that helps you find peace...This will pass and only be one moment of billions (trillions?) in your life...Live the rest of your moments to their fullest and so that you will have no regrets...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

GEL

[Onelife]

Dear IWALH,

I hear you loud and clear sweetheart. I remember your story well as your story and mine happened about the same time. I also had deep feeling for his W as she is really a nice person and the one who if in different circumstances could be my very good friend. I can understand how you feel very well.

I also feel pretty much the same how you feel during the holiday period while I have time to reflect things in the past. I also want to write pretty much the same letter with pretty much the same message to his W. Well...I still don't know what to do and really don't have much to recommend. Basically I just want to let you know that you are not alone and that I admire you for being strong and focusing on yourself and your daughter. Keep up with your good works. This weak time will pass, just stay focus and calm (I know it's hard to do just that from time to time). Sending you a big big hug with this message.

Onlelife

[Jordane]

Ever considered seeing a therapist?

 

Also, it really is not fair to your daughter not to know about her father? What will happen if when she is old enough to question you about him, she wants to meet him? Isn't it better for her to have him in her life somewhat? Maybe not.

[imstunned]

Huge hugs to you. I can relate to so much that you wrote in your post, that I feel I could have writted bits of it myself! I havent a clue what is going on in my ex mm's life and find myself thinking that they have the "perfect" family and M.

 

The holidays are hard, thank god they are over, but this just shows that the saying "time heals all" isnt necessarily true. Sure - time can help us learn how to deal with things, but it wont take the pain away. We have to find a way to come to peace wth this stuff to allow us to move forward. You have to forgive your self. You cannot change the past. And though you are right to take some of the blame you were not the one who took vows to this woman and broke them. HE DID.

 

I'm hopless at advice really, I'm trying to take my mind of the hurt by keeping busy and reading, but everynight I have to concentrate VERY hard when the tears come as my mind wonders to him and his wife and all that he did to me. . . I still want him and am convinced that I'll never meet anyone else and that that kind of chemistry wont ever come my way again.. . . .it hadnt come my way till I met him, so I'm convinced it wont be comming my way again. . .just like you!

 

You mention that it hurts you to think that your exmm is portraying you as some kind of psycho liar - even though you dont know if that is true or not - I feel the same. Goodness knows what kind of lies my ex has told his wife- but given that she dosent know we had a pyhsical affair rather than just texts and phone calls I would bet he is lying to her a whole lot.

It annoys me that I as a person have changed (I'm accepting that now - HE has changed me) and he has got away scott free - yet he hasnt really as who would want their spouse to only stay with you based on the lies you are telling?

 

I really doubt that I would have heard from my exmm had I not contacted him after his wife called me. Before I thought that this was a big indication of how he felt about me. That he didnt care. Now I dont think thats true - its just that he is a HUGE coward. it must be so hard for you to have had no closure so to speak with your MM. But while its not helpful for you to harbour thoughts that he will be comming back (which I dont think you are anyway) I think its equally unhelpful to assume how he feels about you - that he dosent care. He is probably a huge coward too. We just have no idea what is going on in their heads - hell - they probably dont either!!

 

hang in there - post on here - get it all out. But please stop beating your self up about it all - be kind to your self. x

[bentnotbroken]

What you just did was to redeem yourself in your eyes, your child eyes and in God's eyes. You spoke from your heart and apologized in sincerity and honesty. Whether she ever hears those words or not. Whether she excepts those words or not, you have done all that God has required of you and you required of yourself. You are so strong and so mature in that regard and now you need to look forward with your life. You owned your sh*t and you now need to raise your daughter with new knowledge of our responsibilities to each other. God has great blessing for you, let him bless you by forgiving yourself.

[Suny1]

Wow... yanno ... I was going to post this morning... now reading this...I have SOOO many of those same exact feelings! I could so much read *myself into this I really don't know alot to say about it...except that I am also healing from this pain.

I have been doing really well for 2 months now..but this morning I woke up just wanting to cry and thinking all along I am crazy too!

*BIG HUGZ for you!!

We can make it... My brain was in overdrive this morning..scares me alot when I cry so hard.

Then its back up on the feet again. I start to cry... then ...I think of LS......it helps!

Just letting it all out...

 

...:confused:Opinions Do Matter to Us....

[Suny1]

I have to say ..I wish I had never talked to the wife..

Even tho she knew way more than we thought....

I have more to my story that totally relates to this and now I know I need to post about it.

I haven't said anything on here yet..but I am almost 4 months pregnant with MM's baby..... he does know.. long story about whether I believe that the W knows about it...

Your story will also help me on my way out...I want to keep believing...only at times.... my FATE will take over again ....but blah blah yanno.... I want to hate him and I can't.

more later.....Hope the Sun shines on you all day!!!

[whichwayisup]

I remember you from day 1. You are a good person and have a huge heart. You made some bad choices but now you are fixing everything and doing all the necessary changes. I am proud of you. And I am glad that you sent that letter..Even if his wife doesn't read it, you sent it and meant every word.

 

You have a beautiful baby to be mommy to, enjoy your life and I hope when the time is right a wonderful man comes into your life and gives you joy, peace and love.

[Meaplus3]

I don't know what is happening... but I think I am losing it! I have remained remarkably calm throughout the last 6-7 months since the last time I spoke to xMM. I am very proud of myself for picking myself up, brushing myself off, pushing him out of my head (except for bitter thoughts here and there), and just trying to pretend like the first part of 2007 never happened.

 

That all went out of the window during my winter break and the new year. I had time to really reflect and think deeply about everything that happened and now I am just going insane! First of all, when I really started to think about what I did, the disgustingly horrible things I did, with xMM when I saw him and when I was "sneaking around with him" I just absolutely HATE myself. I just CANNOT believe that I did those things! I know some of you probably remember what some of the things were.... Sure, I knew back then that what I did was bad, especially when I woke up to reality and "saw the light." But not until this period of deep reflection did I realize the disgusting magnitude of what I did.

 

So I wrote his wife a letter. I had to. The title was "Apology" and it went as follows:

 

Dear *****;

 

Let me start off by stating that I have no ulterior motives in writing this email. It is simply what the subject suggests: an apology. With the new year and a winter break from school, I have had some time to reflect on things and this is one thing that I believe I really owe you.

 

I am not going to sit here and try to justify anything that happened last year, for there is no way to rationally justify any of it. I am utterly appalled at myself for some of the things that happened and I still cannot believe that last year was real and not some awful nightmare.

 

Out of everything that happened last year, the thing that I feel the worst about is what I did to you and your family. I am so so sorry and I truly wish your entire family all of the happiness in the world.

 

I have discarded all contact information for you and *****. I have no idea what is going on in your lives nor do I have any desire to know. I feel it is best for us to all remain in no contact, as I am sure you do as well. I just wanted to say this one last thing to you because I don't think I could live with myself forever without saying it. I really am very sorry for everything, *****. I hope that you can, one day, find it in your heart to forgive me.

 

Sincerely,

******

 

 

And you know what? Maybe I should have just NEVER contacted her again for the rest of my life... but I HAD to apologize. I was just sick to my stomach and really fretting over it and I just had to. For her and for me. I felt better after I sent it.... until I started thinking about other things!!! Such as.... she has probably deleted and blocked my email address just like I did to her and xMM at the end of June. It wasn't until just recently that I unblocked her email address. If that's the case, then what was the point of the apology letter? She will never see it and know how I feel and will forever think I am just some contemptuous, vile, disgusting human being. Either that or that I am just some nut... which I think I might be turning into now!

 

That's another thing that is making me crazy. When sh*t hit the fan and xMM was talking to me all frantic and crazy because I posted "everything" (I left a few things out) on here and he was asking me if I could get all of my posts deleted (hence my posts to the mods around that time asking if they would delete my account) because she was going to take his children from him and he would never get to see them again. So to try and help him, because I was hopelessly devoted to him, I tried to get the posts deleted. When that didn't work, I told him to tell her that I just made it all up because she wouldn't be able to keep the kids away from him if she thought it was all just a bunch of bologna. He kind of paused and said something about that being a good idea. I then told him I would rather he not do that because it would make me look even more insane than I already looked for actually doing what I did.

 

Anyway, here is why I am going crazy: I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what happened after the end of June!!! The last time I had contact with her she was calling me a disgustingly vile human being and saying I could have him and I "won my prize." The last time I spoke to him he told me he loved me and he said he would come down and get me whenever I wanted him to and then said he would call me the next day and NEVER DID. Like I have said before, I never called him either because that's when I realized (after he didn't call all day and I was left there alone at home in tears) it was all a joke to him... or he just decided he wanted her more than me. Either way, I was devastated and wasn't going to make an ass out of myself anymore. I am VERY stubborn and I do NOT chase people that do not want me. I don't chase people, period. I just let it go....

 

Gosh, I am crying now. What is going on???? I have kept my composure until now. Then again, I have been keeping all of my emotions in this entire time as well. Sure I come on here and talk tough and say mean things about him from time to time... but that's honestly to cover up the deep pain and hurt I feel... that I still feel... about it all.

 

You can tell me all you want he was a liar, I am better off without him, blah blah blah blah blah. And I hear you. I understand you. I believe it, on the outside. But deep deep inside of my heart... I just don't hear it.... I can't hear it. I don't think I will ever be the same. I don't think I will ever be able to love someone as much as I loved him. Which might be a good thing, since I compromised my morals and integrity so much just to please him and be with him. I did whatever it took to be with him... until the end, when I caved for some reason. I know it was God intervening in my life (sorry to the non-believers, this is just how I feel...) because if I just kept quiet and didn't tell his wife about what was going on and inadvertently lead her here to find out for herself what had been happening then they probably would have been divorced. I never talked about everything he was saying to me at the end of it all. During the time I was keeping quiet and not saying a WORD to his wife, he was a sweetheart to me. He was talking to me several times a day, got his co-worker to get on the phone and tell me how much xMM was in love with me, he was telling me to get up there ASAP (I didn't have a car then).

 

UGH. I just keep thinking about all of these things.... and I know I have really gone off on a bunch of tangents.... but I am JUST NOW really starting to feel the pain and heartache of it all. I pushed it away for so long and now it's all here... on the surface. I mean, I have felt pain about it before, but I just keep it in. Or I talk to one of two friends that know EVERYTHING (I have only told 2 people EVERYTHING that happened.... it's obviously very embarrassing to admit what I did to people... I usually just tell people that I was talking to him again and later realized he was lying and then walked away... I don't tell them what happened during the time that we were "talking" again).

 

I just feel like I am dying inside. Dying because of what I did to her and her family (that's the biggest thing I feel HORRIBLE about), dying because he (most likely, again I have NO CLUE) just made me out to be a psycho liar. And I am dying because, as much as I say I am better off without him and don't like him and he's just an "old schmuck," I am still very much in love with him.

 

I am also dying because I have gotten into a LOT of debt trying to give my little girl the things that a child with two parents gets and I get NO child support from him so I am now faced with the decision of getting on public aid or going after him for child support which would then just open up a WHOLE NEW CAN OF WORMS!!!!

 

I am dying because SO MANY times I look at my beautiful little girl's face, I see him. She looks so much like her dad, it's ridiculous. Her winter picture looked just like him.... just like him.... the eyes, forehead.... gosh. And she is such a sweet and smart little person that it makes me SO ANGRY at him for not WANTING to be a part of her life!!!

 

I am dying because she has siblings out there that know about her and love(d) her that she will probably never know because of my (and his!) SELFISHNESS.

 

The love I had for him took over every aspect of my life. I told him that if it turned out he was lying to me that I would be destroyed. While that didn't happen at first, I am JUST NOW starting to feel the destruction.

 

*sigh*

 

Yes, I know I am better off without him. Yes, I know I will find a guy that is much better than him one day. But will I ever have that same intense connection and the same sparks I had with him? I highly doubt it....

 

Yes, I know I did the right thing by not contacting him after the last time we spoke.

 

Do you want to know how else I am going insane??? Tonight I was just thinking about him SO MUCH that I googled his screen name and found a forum where some people were talking about this thing he DJed at (he's a part-time dj... I met him when he was a full-time dj, that's a whole other story that would shed even more horrible light on the situation) and then someone apparently really liked him as a DJ and wanted his contact information so they could hire him for an upcoming event, so the person gave them his email address. This was just in November. I guess I am just feeling crazy about that because his life is obviously just going on as usual and he is getting gigs and probably just as HAPPY AS A CLAM. Because he probably did a stint in rehab, just like last time, lied about ME, just like last time, and convinced everyone he is just this poor soul who needed a little fixing and is all better now.

 

I know... that sounds borderline stalkerish. But that is ALL I have done in seeing what he's up to. I would NEVER contact him again because I am too stubborn and I now know what his true intentions were. I know he wasn't serious about me, or cared about me.... or WHATEVER. And I just could not contact him for my own SANITY... whatever is left of it after tonight, that is.

 

UGGGH.

 

I am now at a loss for words. I just had this overwhelming abundance of emotions fill me up and bust out of the seams and now I just feel exhausted....

 

Thanks for listening..... how in the world am I going to be able to focus on my math homework???

 

 

I think I am going to write Dr. Phil....

 

It's ok to have some bad's day with all you went through that's part of the healing process. I remember your post's and you have come so very far, your very strong! Now give yourself a big a pat on the back for how well you have done! Best wishes to you!

 

AP:)

[IWALH]

I remembered that I made a post a few weeks ago... and I had to go searching around to find it! There are so many posts on this board these days!!

 

I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who commented. All of your encouragement, sympathy, and empathy really helped me to calm down a little bit and look at things from a different perspective.

 

Tonight is one of those nights again. It has been coming, though.

 

Earlier in the week I had a dream about him. It was the same kind of dream I always have about him.

 

Here is how it generally goes: I see him somewhere and before I can even say one word to him he looks at me all panicky and runs off somewhere and then returns with his wife, who either glares at me or goes off on me.

 

The most recent one, I was in his house for some reason VERY early in the morning, before he headed off to work, and I was in their bedroom and I went into the bathroom inside of their bedroom where I knew he had to get ready for work. He said to his wife "Do you want me to use the other bathroom?" And she smiled at him as if to say "yes." So he went into the other bathroom and I stormed in after him and just WENT OFF on him. I said EVERYTHING that has been on my mind since this summer. I asked him why the F he didn't call me the next day after we talked, I asked him WHY he said he was in love with me and then stopped talking to me, I asked him if he ever loved me at all, I asked him how could he know he has a child out there and not give a SH*T about her, etc etc etc. He just looked down and didn't say anything. Then looked up and nudged his head towards the bedroom where his wife was and shrugged. Then I walked out and passed his room and his wife was in there cheering me on. :/ Wtf??! Why do I have these weird dreams? And in these dreams he usually doesn't say ANYTHING. If he does, it's not to me (with the exception of one of my dreams). And he always looks REALLY exhausted, sad, frantic, and like he has aged a lot since I last saw him. And he almost always runs to his wife after he spots me.

 

Oy.

[bentnotbroken]

In your next dream, kick him in the balls. Then storm out,never to return.

[OWoman]

In your next dream, kick him in the balls.

 

But you'll first have to ask his W where she keeps them...

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Why do I have these weird dreams?

 

2. And in these dreams he usually doesn't say ANYTHING. If he does, it's not to me (with the exception of one of my dreams). And he always looks REALLY exhausted, sad, frantic, and like he has aged a lot since I last saw him. And he almost always runs to his wife after he spots me.

 

1. I think it is part of your grieving process. It takes a long time to get over someone when they leave your life. Your xMM didn't die but he may as well have and so in a way it is like grieving a death. It takes time. Dreams are a common thing during this process.

 

2. I think this is your subconscious mind going through the process of accepting that he really is gone.

[bentnotbroken]

But you'll first have to ask his W where she keeps them...

 

 

 

I don't think the wife has anything that he probably hasn't grown yet.:cool:

[White Flower]

IWALH,

 

I feel for ya, girl, I really do. I have faith in you. You are doing well in school and you are raising a beautiful daughter.

 

You are not a stalker just because you google someone you love. I have friends at work who google me all the time. We laugh about it.

 

Have you considered sending his W a letter in regular mail? It might make you feel better. But, Bent was right--you know in your heart that you apologized and the change has come from within you. I totally relate to that and would feel horrible if my MM's W found out. Hopefully, we will end it or he will leave (not holding my breath) before she ever gets hurt that way.

 

Time will heal all things. You are so young and saying that you will never find a love like the one you had with him feels so true now yet listen to us older broads: something better really does come along. You'll see. Just finish school, secure a great job, and watch out because IWALH is gonna catch the best fish there ever was!

 

Then you'll be posting on how right we all were;)

[Tame]

You are not going insane. You are just anxious because you still have feelings for this man, have a child by him that he doesn’t see and on top of all of that you have never received closure from him. I think in someway you were probably seeking that from his wife but now that you realize your email account has been blocked you don’t think you will get it in that way either. That is very, very normal, you know…to want closure from a person after something traumatic happens in your life. I think what would help you more than any supposed closure from him is to move towards forgiving yourself. You are carrying around an incredible amount of guilt and that is compounded by the fact that you have found that you still have feelings for him.

 

Well guess what? You can work on overcoming your feelings for him and forgive yourself at the same time. They don’t have to be two separate events. Just realize that you are human and we are all mistake prone, that’s a fact. And although I have never been emotionally or physically involved with a married man I started to develop feelings for one, from afar and let me tell they were some of the strongest feelings I’ve had for a man in a long time. I had to completely separate myself from the situation because I can all but guarantee that I would be just like you right now. That doesn’t make me better than you; it was just easy for me to stay b/c of the circumstances under which I saw him.

 

At any rate all of us have experienced instances in our lives where we didn’t get the closure from a man that we felt we deserved. One of my guy friends once told me that a man would rather burn down the telephone company than contact a woman to explain why he no longer wants a relationship. LOL! At any rate, you are important, you are smart, you are loved by family and friends and you are a good mother to your child. Focus on you right now and find some interesting hobbies and get back in the swing of things. Boredom and/or loneliness are surefire ways to reminisce about the past. You are not insane so don’t call Dr. Phil. I can guarantee that you are likely more stable than he is.

Edited February 9, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[White Flower]

I totally relate to that and would feel horrible if my MM's W found out. Hopefully, we will end it or he will leave her (not holding my breath) before she ever gets hurt that way.

 

 

Meant to state it this way.

 

*shrug*