Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Any input from anyone? I'm feeling quite down right now. Am I just overreacting/being hypersensitive? Or is judging from what I said above, something really is wrong here in the picture?
allina Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 And today, he knows I went to the doctor for something pretty important -- i experience alot of pain during sex -- and he knows it's a big deal for me because I cried once over it -- yet he did NOT even call me to ask me how it went. I'm so disappointed in hurt right now. After all I said on yesterday, he can't use the he's clueless excuse anymore. He now KNOWS I want to talk to him and ideally everyday. I don't want a relationship where we only 'hang out and f*ck'...I want one where we share our lives together and care about each other. I mean yea I did say I was too busy this week to see him but he KNOWS it's only for a week and it's for a VERY important exam. I honestly expected a call tonight just becuase of the whole doctor thing. Basically, if he doesn't call tomorrow night then that's it for it all. No exceptions. I would tell him almost exactly what you wrote above.
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 I would tell him almost exactly what you wrote above. When and how should I do this? I don't want to cause any unnecessary conflict but at the same time I really don't know if he realizes how I feel about all this. I'd be really upset if he doesn't call me tomorrow. I won't be surprised though if he doesn't call me all of this week because he won't be seeing me, since he didnt call me while I was away out of town . I think I will give it another shot if he calls Thurs night, but if not, then it just means that he doesn't actually care about me the way I thought he did.
allina Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 When and how should I do this? I don't want to cause any unnecessary conflict but at the same time I really don't know if he realizes how I feel about all this. I'd be really upset if he doesn't call me tomorrow. I won't be surprised though if he doesn't call me all of this week because he won't be seeing me, since he didnt call me while I was away out of town . I think I will give it another shot if he calls Thurs night, but if not, then it just means that he doesn't actually care about me the way I thought he did. Well the way I look at it is; staying in a relationship where you are constantly hurt and worried is unhealthy and won't work anyways so there is no point in sticking around. I would summarize what you wrote in your last post and explain to him that he calls less than any other bf, that it makes you feel sad and unimportant, especially when you're going through something rough. Tell him that he's great but that you don't want to be in a relationship that causes you hurt and uncertainty so much. Tell him about this next time you see him, if you need to tell him on the phone. Either way don't yell or whine just tell him calmly how you feel and what you want/need from him.
lbj123 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Fray, if I was in your sitch I would probably be dissapointed too by the lack of calls. When I am in a relationship, I like to feel like we are a part of each other's lives. Not necessarily every single day, but certainly on a regular basis. I have dated guys who aren't "phone people", but while we didnt sit on the phone for hours and hours, we would still check in with each other with quick calls. Having said that, I think you have now built this up more and more and you are letting it get in the way of everything else. You should def say something because you need to get this off your chest and express your needs. But don't put a timeline on exactly when he has to call next for you to stay with him. Especially given that he isnt really aware of how you feel, I think it wouldn't make sense to end it if he doesnt call by Thursday. Sometimes people who aren't experienced in relationships don't even realize they're not calling enough. For all you know he's thinking "wow, we're speaking so often. I must like her so much because I've never wanted to call a girl several times a week!" Good luck!
lino Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 When I'm really into a girl & I want to be serious with her, I'll call her everyday to see how her day was, what she's up to, etc. If you've been with this guy for 2 months I think it's a little strange that he doesn't call you as often as you'd like. When and how should I do this? I don't want to cause any unnecessary conflict but at the same time I really don't know if he realizes how I feel about all this. I'd be really upset if he doesn't call me tomorrow. I won't be surprised though if he doesn't call me all of this week because he won't be seeing me, since he didnt call me while I was away out of town . I think I will give it another shot if he calls Thurs night, but if not, then it just means that he doesn't actually care about me the way I thought he did. I think the only way to do it is to tell him that you feel your relationship is a little one sided at the moment & ask him where he thinks it's headed. It's good that he wants to see you more often but that could also have something to do with the fact that he's getting sex now too. IMO it seems like he's still shopping around
ahah2322 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 well lino, fray doesn't call him at all (her bf does all the initiating) so its more apparant that its one-sisded; fray being on the receiving end. but yes, if its bothering you, you should tell him how you feel (in a way that isn't too pressurizing)
Star Gazer Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I think he said he had wanted to see you only because you told him you were unavailable first. You've told him calling you is important to you, he knew you were going to the doctor for something important that involves him (sex!)...and he still doesn't call? This guy isn't behaving like someone who cares about you, at all.
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 well lino, fray doesn't call him at all (her bf does all the initiating) so its more apparant that its one-sisded; fray being on the receiving end. but yes, if its bothering you, you should tell him how you feel (in a way that isn't too pressurizing) In the beginning he did do all the calling, but that's only cuz it's the 'dating' stage...but now that we are in a 'relationship', I DO initiate calls. I just think that after what I told him Tues bout how I like talking more often, I think that EVEN if he's not exactly a phone person, if he cares he'd force himself to call anyways. I'm going to see what my next steps are depending on if/when next he calls me.
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 I think he said he had wanted to see you only because you told him you were unavailable first. You've told him calling you is important to you, he knew you were going to the doctor for something important that involves him (sex!)...and he still doesn't call? This guy isn't behaving like someone who cares about you, at all. I agree with you. It hurts
Star Gazer Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 In the beginning he did do all the calling, but that's only cuz it's the 'dating' stage...but now that we are in a 'relationship', I DO initiate calls. You've been dating 2 months. You're still very much in the dating stage. He should still be pursuing you, just as you are him.
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 You've been dating 2 months. You're still very much in the dating stage. He should still be pursuing you, just as you are him. Once again, I agree. Honestly, if he doesn't call tonight, it's over for me. I just feel so disappointed right now, getting depressed
Star Gazer Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 How is the sex, Fray? You said you cried during once. I'm wondering whether he might be worried about hurting you or something...
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 How is the sex, Fray? You said you cried during once. I'm wondering whether he might be worried about hurting you or something... Aside from the non calling this is another huge issue for us. He's the first person i've gone to homerun with (he said at the time he feels so lucky i chose him for my first time) but we actually never did have 'sex' fully. There's partial penetration but i tense up and it hurts so much that we stop. It's frustrating for both of us and he assures me at the time i cried over this that this doesn't change the way he feels about me n that he thinks im worth waiting for and that he's in no hurry with this. And yes he did say that he's sorry for hurting me physically with the sex and that we can take it slow. I implied that if he left me cuz of this sex thing that i wont be mad, n he was shocked and said 'im not going to break up with u over this, don't even think it!'....at the time i believed him......but now i have alot of doubts. I feel hurt.
Star Gazer Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Wow. I didn't know you were a virgin. Can I ask why you chose this guy for your first, having only been dating him for 2 months (probably less at the time the deed was done/attempted)? How did you two meet? Honestly, he doesn't sound worthy of you. Also, why are you giving him the power to decide how this relationship turns out? Yes, you're saying, "If he doesn't call, I'll end it." But why aren't you taking control already? Is a guy who doesn't call (up to this point), particularly given the circumstances, good enough for you? I vote no.
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Wow. I didn't know you were a virgin. Can I ask why you chose this guy for your first, having only been dating him for 2 months (probably less at the time the deed was done/attempted)? How did you two meet? Honestly, he doesn't sound worthy of you. Also, why are you giving him the power to decide how this relationship turns out? Yes, you're saying, "If he doesn't call, I'll end it." But why aren't you taking control already? Is a guy who doesn't call (up to this point), particularly given the circumstances, good enough for you? I vote no. I chose him because he is the first guy I envisioned possible marrying, but ofcourse in hindsight I was impulsive and things moved too quickly. We dated for a month and he gave me an expensive 200-300 dollar gift for xmas and that was when I decided to do the deed with him. It was after we tried but couldnt have sex did he say he felt lucky i chose him for my first and only then did he ask me to be his gf....which is why i didnt think he was using me n wanting to see me only for sex. And yes I've thought about ending it when he didn't call for those 10 days i was out of town...i wanted to give it more time, and now this incident may be the last straw.
Star Gazer Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I chose him because he is the first guy I envisioned possible marrying, but ofcourse in hindsight I was impulsive and things moved too quickly. We dated for a month and he gave me an expensive 200-300 dollar gift for xmas and that was when I decided to do the deed with him. It was after we tried but couldnt have sex did he say he felt lucky i chose him for my first and only then did he ask me to be his gf....which is why i didnt think he was using me n wanting to see me only for sex. You envisoned marrying him and lost your virginity to him before he was even your BF? Not to kick you when you're down, Fray... but what were you thinking? SO WHAT if he bought you a fancy expensive present?!! You're not a hooker, and this isn't the middle ages - he shouldn't be able to buy sex from you, particularly when it's so special to you. This guy should be babying your feelings and being very gentle and supportive of your emotions, and he's not. It's not that this should be or might be the last straw - it IS.
Kamille Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I'm confused about a few things. First off, I'm not sure you were really clear when you tried communicating the fact that you would like HIM to call you more often. From you describe, all you said is that you would like talking to him more often (which he thought was nice) but you gave him an excuse for not calling him which he might have interpreted as your way of saying "I'll call you". What did he answer when you said you were afraid of waking him up? If it's something akin to 'it doesn't bother me that you wake me up", then I think he thought you were saying you wanted to call more often. If there is one thing I have learned it is that men handle request really well when they are made clearly. I don't fully understand why you feel that telling him you would like HIM to call you more often would generate conflict. Either he does or he doesn't, and if he doesn't, then you have your definite answer. Maybe you have a touch of the romantic "he should want to do so all by himself and if I tell him to do it, then it doesn't really count". Another thing I learned with (most) men: they do what they want to. If you tell him "I would like you to call me more often" and he starts calling more often, he's doing it because he likes doing things that make you happy. In other words, he would be doing it because he wants to. So why bother with a long drawn out conversations and excuses? This is an issue and interpretation that you have and as of yet, he still has no clear idea just how much this bothers you. I wouldn't necessarly let him know it bothers you, but I would definitely tell him: I would like it if you called me more often. With a smile on my face. In person. Hopefully while kissing. I'm also confused about the 10 days no calling. He didn't call the first few days, but eventually you guys ended up texting right? Doesn't that count? I don't know. My opinion is that until you clearly and succintly tell him what you want, you cannot expect him to change his behavior. I also think that you are building this into a bigger issue then it really is - as of yet. If, once you have in no uncertain terms told him you would like him to call you more often he doesn't call more often, then you have a problem.
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Maybe you have a touch of the romantic "he should want to do so all by himself and if I tell him to do it, then it doesn't really count". Another thing I learned with (most) men: they do what they want to. If you tell him "I would like you to call me more often" and he starts calling more often, he's doing it because he likes doing things that make you happy. In other words, he would be doing it because he wants to. So why bother with a long drawn out conversations and excuses? This is an issue and interpretation that you have and as of yet, he still has no clear idea just how much this bothers you. I wouldn't necessarly let him know it bothers you, but I would definitely tell him: I would like it if you called me more often. With a smile on my face. In person. Hopefully while kissing. Yes I'm a huge romantic! I'm like that .... Regards to second part in bold, I think I will try that. That way, I won't regret it. I didn't know guys can be that way...so clueless. But still, we'll see if he calls me tonight.
StartingOver07 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 But still, we'll see if he calls me tonight. This is a "love test" and it's no good. "If he loves me, he will call." But he might not see things the way you do and his not calling (assuming he doesn't) doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you. I think Kamille's post is dead on. With regard to your sexual issues, are you taking steps to get that resolved? It is not normal not to be able to complete intercourse, even if you were a virgin the first time. I mean, it might be normal to have some difficulties the first time, but not on an ongoing basis. Something is up and you need to find out what. He has to be wondering about this and what it means about your feelings for him, whether he can ever have a normal sex life with you, etc.
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 This is a "love test" and it's no good. "If he loves me, he will call." But he might not see things the way you do and his not calling (assuming he doesn't) doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you. I think Kamille's post is dead on. With regard to your sexual issues, are you taking steps to get that resolved? It is not normal not to be able to complete intercourse, even if you were a virgin the first time. I mean, it might be normal to have some difficulties the first time, but not on an ongoing basis. Something is up and you need to find out what. He has to be wondering about this and what it means about your feelings for him, whether he can ever have a normal sex life with you, etc. Yea for a long time i have the stupid 'he's just not into you book' drilled into my head. With my current bf it's so weird and it's only with him where i'm really frustrated because eventhough he's not calling and all, deep inside i always feel like he DOES care about me n that is why i don't want to give up yet. A small part of me thinks maybe he's waiting for me to call him to tell him the dr's news but i kinda bout it. I talked to the dr and she said things will be fine....i'm just tense and it's a common problem and easily correctable. And yes in fact i do know he thinks about this sex thing. It was a whole week ago when i told him i scheduled a doctor for yesterday. On tues (a week later) he was the one who brought it up and asked 'so r u going to the dr tomorrow?'...so yea, im sure he was thinking bout it the whole week because he remembered even after a whole week. This is a guy where after we first tried to have sex and failed told me how lucky he feels i chose him and he said to me 'you're the one im looking for'...it's just really hard right now for me because im so conflicted. Sometimes i feel like he really cares but when he doesn't call, i can't think of any other reason why he's not calling except for the fact that maybe he doesn't care after all.
StartingOver07 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 This is a guy where after we first tried to have sex and failed told me how lucky he feels i chose him and he said to me 'you're the one im looking for'...it's just really hard right now for me because im so conflicted. Sometimes i feel like he really cares but when he doesn't call, i can't think of any other reason why he's not calling except for the fact that maybe he doesn't care after all. Ok. But consider that he may also be conflicted. Your problem may be common medically, but perhaps he has not encountered it nor heard of anyone who has encountered it. He may be thinking that his technique is lacking, or that your feelings are lacking or that you have serious hang-ups about sex. Point is, he is likely also dealing with conflict and uncertainty. I don't think this is the time for a love test. I am glad that the doctor says your problem is easily correctable. Did she give you some concrete methods for what to do?
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Ok. But consider that he may also be conflicted. Your problem may be common medically, but perhaps he has not encountered it nor heard of anyone who has encountered it. He may be thinking that his technique is lacking, or that your feelings are lacking or that you have serious hang-ups about sex. Point is, he is likely also dealing with conflict and uncertainty. I don't think this is the time for a love test. I am glad that the doctor says your problem is easily correctable. Did she give you some concrete methods for what to do? I know what you mean about him having uncertainty, but if he does, shouldn't he call me to ask me how it went and to support me? He KNOWS i'm insecure about this sex thing and i need reassurance from him. Maybe i expect too much, or maybe he's just not the right person for me...i dunno. Doc said with relaxation and more foreplay i should be fine. She also ordered me some dilators to 'practice' with
StartingOver07 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I know what you mean about him having uncertainty, but if he does, shouldn't he call me to ask me how it went and to support me? He KNOWS i'm insecure about this sex thing and i need reassurance from him. Maybe i expect too much, or maybe he's just not the right person for me...i dunno. I think you are overlooking that he is also insecure with what's going on. You are expecting him to reassure you that everything is fine, but he may be hoping that you will reassure him. As I mentioned previously, he probaby does not understand why the sex is not working and may feel that it is specific to him. So you are in a stand-off of sorts, with each of you hoping that the other is going to take action to dissolve the insecurity. Nothing you have posted so far indicates that he is not the guy for you, nor that he in uncaring. He sounds young, and so do you. (By this I mean, in your early to mid 20's.) I think it would be far better to start opening the lines of communication with this guy than setting up a bunch of tests that he will fail, you will feel hurt by, and soon there will be no relationship (and you will both be wondering what went wrong). My take is that you two don't talk very much for a couple who are supposedly in love and gf/bf. Maybe if you create an environment where you can both discuss what you are truly feeling and thinking, this might go a long way toward relaxing you and it might also give him the confidence he needs to more fully integrate you into his day-to-day life.
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 I think you are overlooking that he is also insecure with what's going on. You are expecting him to reassure you that everything is fine, but he may be hoping that you will reassure him. As I mentioned previously, he probaby does not understand why the sex is not working and may feel that it is specific to him. So you are in a stand-off of sorts, with each of you hoping that the other is going to take action to dissolve the insecurity. Nothing you have posted so far indicates that he is not the guy for you, nor that he in uncaring. He sounds young, and so do you. (By this I mean, in your early to mid 20's.) I think it would be far better to start opening the lines of communication with this guy than setting up a bunch of tests that he will fail, you will feel hurt by, and soon there will be no relationship (and you will both be wondering what went wrong). My take is that you two don't talk very much for a couple who are supposedly in love and gf/bf. Maybe if you create an environment where you can both discuss what you are truly feeling and thinking, this might go a long way toward relaxing you and it might also give him the confidence he needs to more fully integrate you into his day-to-day life. I'm so wrapped up in being hurt and all, that I didn't think of things this way. But you are right, we are both kind of waiting for each other to resolve it. Honestly, I"m really scared of opening up relationsihp discussions. But now, i feel like we're at a point where we might need to talk about things due to the whole noncalling issue and ofcourse this sex thing. Because we have for the past 2 months think seriously about us, he told me that he told his parents about me and he doesn't tell his parents bout girls he dates unless he sees it going somehwere. He is 29. I'm 25. We are at a age where marriage is not that far away and we're not just 'dating to have fun.' So yes I can see how perhaps it's time we have a talk on this...im gonna try to see if i can see him this weekend..
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