InsecureKid Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Actually I can kind of side with that guy. I'm a busy person and I thoroughly enjoy seeing girls that I talk to in person, but calling is a little more difficult. Topic material can be sometimes hard to find and time in itself to call is even more elusive. Plus as a guy there is the thought that we need to be on the phone for hours with out girl and thats a killer. I honestly would hate to have to call my girl everyday but it doesn't mean she means any less to me. Perhaps I am in the wrong though. If she really needs reassurance like that, if she told me, I'd be more than happy to try because I'm with her and relationships take teamwork and commitment
StartingOver07 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I think you are putting too much emphasis on the calling thing. From everything I've read here, your boyfriend clearly cares about you and has recently asked to see more of you. So the r/s is moving forward and at his initiative. This is good stuff. If you really feel that you have to hear from him every day in order to be secure n his feelings for you, then you should discuss this with him. As it stands, nothing you've written suggests that he has any idea that you want him to call more often. Maybe the last woman he dated was someone like me, who really does not enjoy the phone.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 He probably didn't want to interrupt you while you were out of town. As I read all of the above I got the overwhelming sense that perhaps he just doesn't want to disturb you. As Serabella said above, but more so. He's expressed interest in seeing you more, and you've said you are too busy. How does he translate that? Perhaps he is taking you at your word and you are just too busy. Couple that with a guy who doesn't like the phone to begin with and you are not going to get a lot of calls. Also I don't recall seeing you mention how long you two have been dating. It took my b/f a long time to start calling me more often. I think it takes some a while to make that connection with a woman and feel a need to touch base throughout the day/week. Personally I spend my entire working day on the phone and would just as soon yank it out of the wall during off hours - but that's not an option.
Author fray718 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Also I don't recall seeing you mention how long you two have been dating. It took my b/f a long time to start calling me more often. I think it takes some a while to make that connection with a woman and feel a need to touch base throughout the day/week. We've only been dating 2 months so maybe I'm expecting too much already. How often did your bf call you initially and how long did it take when you two finally touch base daily?
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Are you sure he's your "boyfriend", Fray? Assuming he is, to an extent I agree with Shadow in that you're initiating too much. But even still, the time between your calls/contact should encourage him to contact you because he wants to. BF and I aren't even BF-GF anymore, and he still calls me at least twice a day...
curiousnycgirl Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 We've only been dating 2 months so maybe I'm expecting too much already. How often did your bf call you initially and how long did it take when you two finally touch base daily? Wow 2 months is really not very long to be dating. In the early months my b/f would only call to arrange a date. I'd say it was close to a year before he started calling me on his own. And then I couldn't get him off the phone! Give this time. You are still in the beginning stages, don't rush deeper levels of intimacy - things that start like gangbusters generally don't last. Let it build in it's own time.
Author fray718 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Wow 2 months is really not very long to be dating. In the early months my b/f would only call to arrange a date. I'd say it was close to a year before he started calling me on his own. And then I couldn't get him off the phone! Give this time. You are still in the beginning stages, don't rush deeper levels of intimacy - things that start like gangbusters generally don't last. Let it build in it's own time. Yea my bf right now only calls to arrange and confirm dates as well...i guess at least the upside is that he initiates the dates and wants to see me alot. So this between u and your bf went on for months huh before he called more? Wow a year! That's a long time! I guess you are right in that it's good to not rush things. For the first time in my life I'm dating someone who I can actually call husband material...def a strange feeling. Becaues aside from this non-calling, he's almost perfect in all other ways...well almost.
Author fray718 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Are you sure he's your "boyfriend", Fray? Assuming he is, to an extent I agree with Shadow in that you're initiating too much. But even still, the time between your calls/contact should encourage him to contact you because he wants to. BF and I aren't even BF-GF anymore, and he still calls me at least twice a day... I read some of the threads between u n your bf...if u don't mind me asking, what happenend? The ironic thing is that I had a guy who wouldn't want me as his gf though he still wanted to keep seeing me and we talked everyday! Yet he wasn't my bf...we were kind of like fwb. I'm sure this current guy is my bf cause he asked me to be his gf! And I said yes! And he refers to 'our relationship' when discussing us.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I read some of the threads between u n your bf...if u don't mind me asking, what happenend? The ironic thing is that I had a guy who wouldn't want me as his gf though he still wanted to keep seeing me and we talked everyday! Yet he wasn't my bf...we were kind of like fwb. I'm sure this current guy is my bf cause he asked me to be his gf! And I said yes! And he refers to 'our relationship' when discussing us. Titles and words mean nothing. Actions are what matters.
allina Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 The only negative thing here is hi not calling you for 10 days when you were gone, other than that I don't think it's an indication of anything negative. Is he fairly young and inexperienced when it comes to relationship? Maybe he's unsure of when/how much he should call. I'd have a lighthearted conversation with him and tell him you liked talking to him and wish he'd call more. Don't nag and say "you never call me!!" just tell him you'd feel special if he called more. I'm not really a phone person myself. When my bf and I first started dating we didn't call each other a ton, most of our conversations took place on aim when we were at work Now we live together and he calls each weekday when he gets off of work to tell me he's on his way home. I don't know why we do this since it's always the same time on the dot but it's a little pattern we've had going for over a year now. Other than that we call each other to make plans and for "real reasons" not just to talk.
Author fray718 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Titles and words mean nothing. Actions are what matters. Did you read the entire thread? He acts like my bf and treats me really nice and spent 200 bucks on my xmas gift (we've only been dating a month at the time)...really the only thing that bothers me is he doesn't call every day. He stills calls like twice a week n initiates almost all dates and says he wants to see me more...oy, im repeating myself again. Just seems like his non-calling 'contradicts' how he treats me in other ways....though some here say he's prob not a phone person n would rather see me in person than chat on the phone. I hope they are right.
Author fray718 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 The only negative thing here is hi not calling you for 10 days when you were gone, other than that I don't think it's an indication of anything negative. Is he fairly young and inexperienced when it comes to relationship? Maybe he's unsure of when/how much he should call. I'd have a lighthearted conversation with him and tell him you liked talking to him and wish he'd call more. Don't nag and say "you never call me!!" just tell him you'd feel special if he called more. I'm not really a phone person myself. When my bf and I first started dating we didn't call each other a ton, most of our conversations took place on aim when we were at work Now we live together and he calls each weekday when he gets off of work to tell me he's on his way home. I don't know why we do this since it's always the same time on the dot but it's a little pattern we've had going for over a year now. Other than that we call each other to make plans and for "real reasons" not just to talk. Yea the whole barely calling for 10 days things is really what bothers me the most. For once it made me question him and was the reason why I startd this thread. Prior to that I don't mind that he calls just to ask me out, but after that, it made me question him. It makes me wonder whether he's just not a phone person or perhaps he just doesn't care to put in the effort.
bozwa Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Well, everyone is different I suppose. My boyfriend called me anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day when we weren't living together, and we've been living together for 6 months now and we still talk on the phone before work, on his lunch, after work and then of course when he gets home from work. LOL! That's a lot! But, is he a phone person otherwise? Does he call other people and talk them for any length of time or is he a "get-on-the-phone-say-what-I-gotta-say-and-get-off" kind of person? Except for with my boyfriend and my best friend, that's exactly the kind of phone person I am.
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Just because he doesnt call you as much as you want it doesnt mean he doesnt like you. My bf was like that too and although it was unnerving i stuck with it. He still never calls every day but I learned that its just that he really just isnt a phone person (when he does call we just cant think of what to talk about) so we rather just see each other and have a much better time that way Ive been with him for 7 months now, and Im very very glad I didnt let the whole "not calling" thing get to me otherwise i would have missed being with a really great guy If he otherwise treats you well and you feel he is into you and wants to be with you then why end it just because he is phone-a-phobic?? You can also try telling him you like hearing his voice on the phone or something like that that tell him u want him to contact you that way. Now, I agree that you should let him initiate thing too. You've only been with him for 2 months, so maybe you want to let him come to you once in a while??
allina Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Yea the whole barely calling for 10 days things is really what bothers me the most. For once it made me question him and was the reason why I startd this thread. Prior to that I don't mind that he calls just to ask me out, but after that, it made me question him. It makes me wonder whether he's just not a phone person or perhaps he just doesn't care to put in the effort. yeah I feel like he should have called to say he missed you or something. You never said if he was experienced with relationships, maybe he didn't want to bother you when you were away? I very very rarely call my bf when he goes out of town to see his family because I don't want to interrupt his family time. I would definitely talk to him about it, don't start a fight, just talk. Tell him you missed him when you were away and that it made you a little sad that he didn't call.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I agree that going two or more days with no contact is not the best relationship. I feel like even if someone isnt a phone person it doesnt hurt to just call and say hi, how r u? the calls dont have to be lengthy. and you can always just text in between times to say hi. and at the end of the night just see how each others day was. but it just doent happen like that. Have you tried talking to him more about the situation?
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 A ten-day stretch of virtually no contact during a short, 2 month relationship. Why doesn't anyone else think that's problematic? Particularly when you add in all of the other 2-day periods where he doesn't call?
Author fray718 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 yeah I feel like he should have called to say he missed you or something. You never said if he was experienced with relationships, maybe he didn't want to bother you when you were away? I very very rarely call my bf when he goes out of town to see his family because I don't want to interrupt his family time. I would definitely talk to him about it, don't start a fight, just talk. Tell him you missed him when you were away and that it made you a little sad that he didn't call. He said he's onlly had 1 relationship that lasted more than 3 months. That one lasted 2 years but it was on and off cuz she kept dumping him n finally she dumped him for good. Maybe she was the only one who put up with his cluelessness haha. All the other short term gfs prob felt like me...cant' take this non-calling crap hahaah.
Author fray718 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Just because he doesnt call you as much as you want it doesnt mean he doesnt like you. My bf was like that too and although it was unnerving i stuck with it. He still never calls every day but I learned that its just that he really just isnt a phone person (when he does call we just cant think of what to talk about) so we rather just see each other and have a much better time that way Ive been with him for 7 months now, and Im very very glad I didnt let the whole "not calling" thing get to me otherwise i would have missed being with a really great guy If he otherwise treats you well and you feel he is into you and wants to be with you then why end it just because he is phone-a-phobic?? You can also try telling him you like hearing his voice on the phone or something like that that tell him u want him to contact you that way. Now, I agree that you should let him initiate thing too. You've only been with him for 2 months, so maybe you want to let him come to you once in a while?? So in the beginning, how often would he call you? Would he go like 2 days without calling? Did you call him? Did you guys txt/IM aside from that? Cuz it's REALLY unnerving to hear nothing from him, I mean NOTHING for two whole days! Aside from this, he initiates almost all dates and treats me well. I guess I might talk to him (gently) about this non-calling. He's just really clueless. But I don't want to give up on him yet
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 (edited) So in the beginning, how often would he call you? Would he go like 2 days without calling? Did you call him? Did you guys txt/IM aside from that? Cuz it's REALLY unnerving to hear nothing from him, I mean NOTHING for two whole days! Aside from this, he initiates almost all dates and treats me well. I guess I might talk to him (gently) about this non-calling. He's just really clueless. But I don't want to give up on him yet Haha i must admit at the beginning i also felt like i had no bf...but the longer i stayed with him the more i realized that him not calling wasnt the end of the world (or of our relationship). At the very beginning like the ha..first two months, he would only call me when we said we would go out. So, say we talked on aim on monday, set up a date for a certain date, maybe friday. Then I wouldnt hear from him until friday. At first i would freak out wondering if he actually liked me but then when he called me he was really sweet and funny and seemed very glad to be talking to me. I never called him during that time though. I knew from the beginning that he liked his space and he was/is very independent (although lately it seems he's getting a bit "DONT LEAVE!!!" with me...hey i dont mind! ) In any case, i used let him do all the calling/texting/aiming, as much as possible. After a while i started initiating but that was after a habit of him contacting me first had been stablished. After maybe three months or so we started contacting more...actually a lot more. I started working in an office so we aim throughout the day. Not all day but randomly. Sorta feels like he keeps me company at work Still no daily calls though. He usually calls, just to talk, maybe once a week, when he drives back from visiting with his parents, otherwise we either chat on aim or we see each other. Our relationship is still moving forward, despite the lack of calls...we've even talked about marriage, if all goes well... Thats why i say, dont worry about the calls (and other little things that will inevitably annoy you), but make sure he treats you well in every other way that matters cuz thats whats important. Edited January 8, 2008 by 4givrnt4gtr
Kamille Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Does he have any idea you would like to talk to him more often? I'm siding with the people who advised you to simply tell him, nicely, (you could even do it in an upbeat way) that you would like it if he suprised you with a phone call once in awhile. Asking for what you need is an important part of establishing a good relationship. After all, the guy just asked you if you two could spend more time together. Maybe you could suggest the occasional phone call as an alternative.
StartingOver07 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I can see bein unnerved by not hearing from him for 10 days while you were away. I woudl try to find out what caused that -- was it very early in the r/s, or did he think that he might be interrupting? What I can't see is all this emphasis on daily calls. It's only been 2 months! I have dated guys who felt it necessary to call me 1-2 times a day early in the r/s and, frankly, it made me feel suffocated. Either I had to stop whatever I was doing to answer the call or I'd have to call back later and explain why I couldn't answer. The calls might have been generated out of interest, but it felt like I was on a tether. Maybe it's because I am old enough to remember a time when no one had a cell phone and email, im and texting didn't exist, but this need to be in constant contact baffles me. I thought that was why people got married!
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 ok update, he didn't call mon nor tues so I ended up calling him at around 8pm on tues and well i woke him up again. I expressed how sorry I was for waking him up and he said don't be sorry because he is very happy everytime I call him because he said it means i'm thinking about him. I told him to go back to sleep n call me back later and he called me back about 40 mins later and we chatted. He knows I have alot of work this week plus a huge exam next tues and so I talked about that and how it's been bit stressful lately n he said 'oh that sux cuz, i was hoping to see u sometime this week'...n i just said yea sucks but after the exam things will be alot easeir for me. Then I said what some here on this thread suggested, to express to him my concern so I said 'in relationships i like to talk to the other person often..it's just very nice to do that...even if it's just for 5-10 mins a day....but i guess with your graveyard schedule it's kinda hard to do that' (I think I regret saying that last bit cuz it gave him an excuse of not calling me). To that comment, he didn't say much. Then I said 'i always think about calling you on a weekday but then i'm always afraid of waking u up cuz every time I've called u I woke u up' and he replied 'no don't be sorry, I really like it when u call' then i said 'well sometimes i figured it's better if i just wait for u to call but then u didn't cuz i guess you've been stressed out past few days (earlier in the convo he said his car broke down and that made him stressed)' -- again, why am i making the excuse for him! And to that he just said 'yea.' ...he expressed great happiness that I called but at the same time it doesnt feel like he's keen on calling me. He never hesitates to ask me out...in fact he's initiated EVERY date except for 2 of them for the past 2 months. And today, he knows I went to the doctor for something pretty important -- i experience alot of pain during sex -- and he knows it's a big deal for me because I cried once over it -- yet he did NOT even call me to ask me how it went. I'm so disappointed in hurt right now. After all I said on yesterday, he can't use the he's clueless excuse anymore. He now KNOWS I want to talk to him and ideally everyday. I don't want a relationship where we only 'hang out and f*ck'...I want one where we share our lives together and care about each other. I mean yea I did say I was too busy this week to see him but he KNOWS it's only for a week and it's for a VERY important exam. I honestly expected a call tonight just becuase of the whole doctor thing. Basically, if he doesn't call tomorrow night then that's it for it all. No exceptions.
Author fray718 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 (edited) Oh one thing I must add and this is KEY, I told him when I called that it's really nice when I can talk to him, esp since I'm stressed. So I'm basically implying to him that even when I'm busy I like him to call and that it wont bother me. I told him also that eventhough it's only been two days since we talked its seems like a long time and he agreed and said yea it does and that he's missing me so much. (I'm thinking, if so, then why didn't he call me? Is he just saying it? Devastaded. Edited January 10, 2008 by fray718
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