How often does your bf call you?

[fray718]

Been dating bf for 2 months and from beginning to end he only calls like every other day or 2 days it seems and it's mainly to either ask me out or to confirm details. Basically, he only calls if there is a 'reason to' but he never calls just to see how I'm doing. The call thus only last for say 10 mins or so and sometimes even much less.

 

When I was out of town for about 10 days he in fact did not call at all. I called him at first then I waited for him to call and after 2.5 days he didn't call and I ended up texting him and that was when he got the hint and called. But now after I saw him on Sat he hasn't called in 2 days again eventhough I texted him yesterday to see how he was doing. I just don't like to be the one to have to initiate this most of the time. In the beginning of dating stages this all makes sense but I mean now that we are bf/gf isn't it kind of strange that he can go 2-3 days without calling me?

 

Aside from this he is a great bf...he's affectionate, generous, makes me feel loved when I'm with him. But during those times when he doesn't call for 2 days, it feels kinda like I don't even have a bf .

 

Is this strange? I want to wait and see with him but I know I don't want this kind of non-calling relationship. My sis says he seems to really like me but that seems like he's just not the phone type and that he's also clueless. I dunno. Anything I can do to change it if this is the case?

 

edit: Don't know if this is important but just to add that he has expressed he wants to see me aside from just the weekends ie he wants to see me more but I tell him that it depends on my schedule. We've actually never been out on a weekday though we spend fri n sat together and sleep over together. This is cuz 2-3 times he asked me out on a weekday n I was legitimately busy.

Edited January 8, 2008 by fray718

[Racquel Colette]

You are right, this is not normal behavior. I don't think he is really that into you and could in fact be seeing someone else.

My advice is to 1. definitely hold off on having sex for a while. Why should he get it? He doesn't even care enough about you to call you. and 2. don't contact him WHATSOEVER (text/email included) and see how long he goes without contacting you.

If he can go a long time with no contact, he is not your boyfriend. Also if he continues this 'no call' behavior after the above 2 steps, keep on NOT contacting him and NOT putting out for him!!!

[curiousnycgirl]

Some people are just not phone people. It doesn't make them bad, it's just that they are not comfortable chatting away on the phone. Your b/f might fall into that category. How is he when the two of you are together? To me that is way more telling than phone calls.

 

If he makes you happy otherwise, perhaps try to give him a little slack.

[Citizen Erased]

My bf and I very rarely talk on the phone anymore. I call him to pick me up from the train station after work, that's about it. But we live together, so there is no real need for us to be in constant contact, things would get VERY stale, VERY fast. Altho I have called him about 5 times today, but that was to arrange some stuff.

 

But when we didn't live together, at least once per day. When we were first together, we would have these long marathon sessions, talked about nothing pretty much, just didn't want to hang up Then as time went on, it would be about half an hour at most. But, we were also at school together, so not much to talk about when you see each other all day

 

Sounds to me like your guy is just not a phone person. Sucks, but if you are sick of always doing the talking, suggest to him it would be nice if he would contact you occasionally, you don't want to be a onesided relationship. You need to be truthful with him, communicate. He may not even be aware there is a problem, so you need to inform him that there is. If he gets pissed off about such a tiny thing as being in contact with each other regularly...well then how worthy is he of your time?

[fray718]

Some people are just not phone people. It doesn't make them bad, it's just that they are not comfortable chatting away on the phone. Your b/f might fall into that category. How is he when the two of you are together? To me that is way more telling than phone calls.

 

If he makes you happy otherwise, perhaps try to give him a little slack.

 

Yea this is what my sis tells me! To the bold part, that's the reason why I"m still with him, cuz when we are together he is just great! Really the only thing that bothers me about him is the non-calling.

 

I've thought about just accepting it, like you said to give him some slack, but I've been getting depressed and feeling lonely about it recently. I feel like I want a relationship where my bf and I talk once a day or so even if it's just for 5-10 mins to catch up on things.

 

It's like he has a set schedule of when he calls me and whether I call him or not in between doesn't seem to make a difference. It's fine if we see each other often but really during those 10 days when I was out of town I felt like pulling my hair out cuz he didnt put in any effort to call. He tells me he thinks about me alot but can a guy think about a girl and miss her but not call her? That to me is so strange yet my sis said somehow some guys are just like that. Ugh. Dunno. I mean what if I'm ever gone for 2-3 weeks? Will I just not hear from him for that long?

[Racquel Colette]

Exactly. I stand by my first statement. A guy does what he wants to do. If he wants to talk to a woman, he calls. If he doesn't care less, he doesn't.

[fray718]

My bf and I very rarely talk on the phone anymore. I call him to pick me up from the train station after work, that's about it. But we live together, so there is no real need for us to be in constant contact, things would get VERY stale, VERY fast. Altho I have called him about 5 times today, but that was to arrange some stuff.

 

But when we didn't live together, at least once per day. When we were first together, we would have these long marathon sessions, talked about nothing pretty much, just didn't want to hang up Then as time went on, it would be about half an hour at most. But, we were also at school together, so not much to talk about when you see each other all day

 

Sounds to me like your guy is just not a phone person. Sucks, but if you are sick of always doing the talking, suggest to him it would be nice if he would contact you occasionally, you don't want to be a onesided relationship. You need to be truthful with him, communicate. He may not even be aware there is a problem, so you need to inform him that there is. If he gets pissed off about such a tiny thing as being in contact with each other regularly...well then how worthy is he of your time?

 

Yea my bf really is just the clueless type...so frustrating! Over the 10 days when I was gone I txted him 'havent heard from you in awhile...how are things?' and then he txted me back saying things are good. I didn't reply and only then did he call. Maybe he got the hint then hehee. But seems like just 1.5 weeks later he's forgetten already . Plus whenever I do call him he sometimes ends the call with 'thank you for calling'......weird huh?

 

I know either this changes and we talk every day or else I don't know how much longer I can last in this relationship....

[Florida]

Yea this is what my sis tells me! To the bold part, that's the reason why I"m still with him, cuz when we are together he is just great! Really the only thing that bothers me about him is the non-calling.

 

I've thought about just accepting it, like you said to give him some slack, but I've been getting depressed and feeling lonely about it recently. I feel like I want a relationship where my bf and I talk once a day or so even if it's just for 5-10 mins to catch up on things.

 

It's like he has a set schedule of when he calls me and whether I call him or not in between doesn't seem to make a difference. It's fine if we see each other often but really during those 10 days when I was out of town I felt like pulling my hair out cuz he didnt put in any effort to call. He tells me he thinks about me alot but can a guy think about a girl and miss her but not call her? That to me is so strange yet my sis said somehow some guys are just like that. Ugh. Dunno. I mean what if I'm ever gone for 2-3 weeks? Will I just not hear from him for that long?

 

You seem distressed.

Regardless of what your sister says, how do *you* feel about it?

You are listening to his words, and your sisters rationalizations.

 

Why wouldn't he call everyday? How hard is it to say "hi-missyou"?

I agree with RC.

Are you sure you are in a relationship? I talk to acquaintances more than that. I think you can find a BF who actually calls everyday because he wants to, not because you have to remind him.

[fray718]

You seem distressed.

Regardless of what your sister says, how do *you* feel about it?

You are listening to his words, and your sisters rationalizations.

 

Why wouldn't he call everyday? How hard is it to say "hi-missyou"?

I agree with RC.

Are you sure you are in a relationship? I talk to acquaintances more than that. I think you can find a BF who actually calls everyday because he wants to, not because you have to remind him.

 

Yea for most guys who don't call they are gone in my book. But with my bf...just a few days ago he asked me how much independence i wanted in my relationship because he said that he wish he can see me on weekdays n just not on weekends...and i said it depends on my schedule....then i asked him the same question n he said that he likes to have his own personal space at time but he said, looking somewhat embarrased, that he'd like to see me 3,4 or 5 times a week. Now we only see each other like on weekends because I tell him I'm busy but you see the thing is if I was able to give him more time and did see him 3-5 times a week then we WOULD be talking like everyday (cuz he'd call the day before or sumeting to ask me out).

 

So the thing is, it seems now that HE is distressed cuz he can only see me on weekends (though I've explained to him that I"m sorry I'm so busy and that things will get better soon) and IM distressed cuz he doesn't call me everyday. This is the part that kinda hits against the 'if he's into you then he'd call you' statement cuz in the past when a guy doesn't call often i'd know if it's because he's not into me and ususally that is the case and I kick em to the curb. But I guess with my currrent bf the situation is a bit different.

 

I know that a relationship isn't usually perfect and for now i feel he is still worth working on for....

[Florida]

This is confusing.

 

So maybe he is playing the role of the girl playing hard to get so you will see him 3-5 times a week, or he will not call as much?

 

Are him/you in the 17-22 range? He sounds very young, in his behavior.

[fray718]

This is confusing.

 

So maybe he is playing the role of the girl playing hard to get so you will see him 3-5 times a week, or he will not call as much?

 

Are him/you in the 17-22 range? He sounds very young, in his behavior.

 

Nah, he's 29, I'm 24. He's not the type who plays games either...that's why I like him...he seems like a pretty straightforward yet clueless guy. It seems like he likes seeing me in person, but doesn't overly enjoy just talking to me on the phone. I'm actually thinking since he asked me how much independence i'd like in a relationship, maybe i can ask him whether he's a phone person or not hahah. Not sure what else I should do. The last thing I wanna seem is to appear to be the needy type....

[Florida]

Nah, he's 29, I'm 24. He's not the type who plays games either...that's why I like him...he seems like a pretty straightforward yet clueless guy. It seems like he likes seeing me in person, but doesn't overly enjoy just talking to me on the phone. I'm actually thinking since he asked me how much independence i'd like in a relationship, maybe i can ask him whether he's a phone person or not hahah. Not sure what else I should do. The last thing I wanna seem is to appear to be the needy type....

 

But Fray-you need to get your needs met too.

 

And so what if you are the *needy* type...although I hardly think wanting him to meet the bare minimum to call more frequently is needy, but that is besides the point.

 

What could you possibly get out of hiding that you want more than he is currently giving?

 

Do you think he will magically come around?

 

Or that your feeelings on this matter will go away?

 

I am just responding to what you said about not appearing needy. I think women make a mistake with this and think they need to deny themselves basic courtesies of being in a relationship, because of the fear of appearing needy. Gosh forbid he actually has to make some effort-then you think that makes you needy?

 

Fine, let him think that then, because it doesn't help you at ALL to camouflage your nature and needs.

 

If a guy says a girl is needy, in a denigrating way-to me that tells me he does not want to make any effort for her.

 

(Although I understand he did not say that)

 

He is 29, I would expect a LOT more from him, and that really changes my 1st impression.

He is not a little kid, he knows what is right.

Edited January 8, 2008 by Florida

[fray718]

But Fray-you need to get your needs met too.

 

And so what if you are the *needy* type...although I hardly think wanting him to meet the bare minimum to call more frequently is needy, but that is besides the point.

 

What could you possibly get out of hiding that you want more than he is currently giving?

 

Do you think he will magically come around?

 

Or that your feeelings on this matter will go away?

 

I am just responding to what you said about not appearing needy. I think women make a mistake with this and think they need to deny themselves basic courtesies of being in a relationship, because of the fear of appearing needy. Gosh forbid he actually has to make some effort-then you think that makes you needy?

 

Fine, let him think that then, because it doesn't help you at ALL to camouflage your nature and needs.

 

If a guy says a girl is needy, in a denigrating way-to me that tells me he does not want to make any effort for her.

 

(Although I understand he did not say that)

 

He is 29, I would expect a LOT more from him, and that really changes my 1st impression.

He is not a little kid, he knows what is right.

 

You know, I agree with you. I definitely don't want to settle for this non-calling. But I don't want to give up on him yet because really aside from this non-calling issue he is one of the nicest guys I've dated and has treated me the best so far out of all guys I've dated in the past.

 

Still, no one is perfect and this non-calling issue he has is nothing in comparison to other much more emotioanally abusive things guys in the past have done to me. My current bf really is an angel compared to them all.

 

But what is the best way to try to make him realize this and to have him hopefully want to call more often? Honeslty, I think he is simply not a phone person . But I think if he realizes that I WANT to talk on the phone more often I think he might put in more effort into calling. Maybe right now he just doesn't realize it. Cuz aside from that one text over break when I told him i havent heard from him in awhile, I really have made no other hints at all bout him not calling me.

[LovesDog]

has anyone suggested that you just ask him to call you more often? my last relationship, my bf was like your guy. i told him that i wanted to talk to him everyday to see how he was doing (but in a gentle way). he started calling a lot more, by that i mean he was calling like 2-3 times a day. he would just call to ask me if i had such n such or another question. it was almost annoying!! you might just open a can of worms, but just ask him.

 

or you just call him. you are beyond the dating and wondering. just call. he'll probably follow suit...good luck!

[shadowplay]

You're setting the wrong pattern. You do most of the initiating. He follows your lead. Maybe he doesn't call because he knows you will eventually. The beginning of the relationship is when you want to "train" him into certain behaviors/habits.

 

Let him initiate from now on. Don't call or text him, even if you don't hear from him for a few days. The temptation will be strong, but delay instant gratification for long term gain. I believe if you do this he will naturally start calling more, and you'll also seem more desirable to him.

 

There are other ways. If you try the above method and don't hear from him for a few days, don't be available the next time he wants to get together (make up some excuse). He'll learn soon enough. Guys respond to actions, not words. Whatever you do, don't ask him to call you more. You want him to call because he wants to, not because he feels obligated to.

 

By the way, do you guys ever talk online? My boyfriend rarely calls me outside of planning dates, but that's because we're not phone people. We do most of our talking online. Maybe your bf feels uncomfortable on the phone.

Edited January 8, 2008 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Exactly. I stand by my first statement. A guy does what he wants to do. If he wants to talk to a woman, he calls. If he doesn't care less, he doesn't.

 

That's not true for all guys. Many men have insecurities like women. Even if they want to talk to a woman, they may not feel comfortable talking on the phone because there's a lot of pressure to keep conversation going. Personally I hate talking on the phone.

Edited January 8, 2008 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Fray: Tell us more about how he acts when you guys are together? Has he said anything to you to indicate his feelings at this point? Guys will drop hints when they're really into a girl, even before they drop the L word..."I love being with you," "I feel so lucky to have you," "you make me very happy," "I miss you," "you're an amazing person," etc. How physically affectionate is he with you in public and private? Does he do little things for you that show consideration? Does he compliment you often? How does he act after sex? Does he cuddle or roll over and go to sleep? Does he check out other women when you're in public or keep his eyes only on you? Does he says things that suggest you will be together in the future? "We should go to that play together in a few months?" etc.

 

These are the signs you should be paying attention to, not how much he calls.

Edited January 8, 2008 by shadowplay

[SeraBella]

similar to what shadow asked, i was going to ask if you talked in any other way besides phone calls.

 

there are a lot of guys who really just ARE NOT phone people. a decent amount of girls, too.

 

two of my closest female friends pretty much only use their phones for texting. and an ex bf of mine didn't talk on the phone everyday, but we texted, emailed, and IMed all day when we had the chances (he worked, i was in school).

 

So...do you guys talk via other forms of communication? If so, maybe he thinks that is enough. And SOOOO many guys take things at face value. They can't figure out something is wrong unless you tell them.

 

How often do you call him? Maybe he feels like he's the only one calling and wants you to call more.

[shadowplay]

Nah, he's 29, I'm 24. He's not the type who plays games either...that's why I like him...he seems like a pretty straightforward yet clueless guy. It seems like he likes seeing me in person, but doesn't overly enjoy just talking to me on the phone. I'm actually thinking since he asked me how much independence i'd like in a relationship, maybe i can ask him whether he's a phone person or not hahah. Not sure what else I should do. The last thing I wanna seem is to appear to be the needy type....

 

I think it may boil down to a gender difference. Men don't feel the need to communicate as much when they're not physically with their SO. Usually a guy who calls every day was either well trained by his past gfs, or he's insecure and "checking up" on his gf to make sure she's not straying.

Edited January 8, 2008 by shadowplay

[fray718]

Fray: Tell us more about how he acts when you guys are together? Has he said anything to you to indicate his feelings at this point? Guys will drop hints when they're really into a girl, even before they drop the L word..."I love being with you," "I feel so lucky to have you," "you make me very happy," "I miss you," "you're an amazing person," etc. How physically affectionate is he with you in public and private? Does he do little things for you that show consideration? Does he compliment you often? How does he act after sex? Does he cuddle or roll over and go to sleep? Does he check out other women when you're in public or keep his eyes only on you? Does he says things that suggest you will be together in the future? "We should go to that play together in a few months?" etc.

 

These are the signs you should be paying attention to, not how much he calls.

 

That's the thing, I mean it when I say he's an angel compared to ALL other guys I've dated because he's said nearly ALL those things you said (I bolded the ones he said) plus he said he thinks he's falling in love with me like about 3 weeks ago. Me on the other hand, I'm kinda bad in that I don't really say these things to him...at most when he says them I'd say I feel the same way about him too. I guess it's my insecurity issue.

 

And also, he actually does most of the initiating of calls for the first month before we were official. I let him do the chasing and he basically called every Tues (to ask me out) and Thurs (to confirm details). At the time the calls were sparse but that was fine cuz we weren't official. But it seems like now that even when we are official he's still stuck with the same calling pattern/frequency. He pretty much has initiated all dates even now and the frustrating thing is that whether I initiate contact or not, text him or not in between his set calls, it seems to make no difference in his calling pattern. Really, the dude is quite clueless hahaa. I think I might have to just come right out and ask him if after 2 more weeks of hinting he is still the same way.

[fray718]

similar to what shadow asked, i was going to ask if you talked in any other way besides phone calls.

 

there are a lot of guys who really just ARE NOT phone people. a decent amount of girls, too.

 

two of my closest female friends pretty much only use their phones for texting. and an ex bf of mine didn't talk on the phone everyday, but we texted, emailed, and IMed all day when we had the chances (he worked, i was in school).

 

So...do you guys talk via other forms of communication? If so, maybe he thinks that is enough. And SOOOO many guys take things at face value. They can't figure out something is wrong unless you tell them.

 

How often do you call him? Maybe he feels like he's the only one calling and wants you to call more.

 

We don't email or IM (I prefer phone and txt because IMs can be time consuimg and email has slow response rates). Thing is even if he doesnt' call I still like a txt every once in awhile from him just for him to say hi. I don't really initiate alot of calls, I might have only done it like 2-3 times, but I have initiated a few texts (like maybe 3) hoping that he'd follow. So I guess you can say I could have tried harder. Maybe I'm asking for too much when I'm not putting that much in myself . Oy.

[shadowplay]

That's the thing, I mean it when I say he's an angel compared to ALL other guys I've dated because he's said nearly ALL those things you said (I bolded the ones he said) plus he said he thinks he's falling in love with me like about 3 weeks ago. Me on the other hand, I'm kinda bad in that I don't really say these things to him...at most when he says them I'd say I feel the same way about him too. I guess it's my insecurity issue.

 

And also, he actually does most of the initiating of calls for the first month before we were official. I let him do the chasing and he basically called every Tues (to ask me out) and Thurs (to confirm details). At the time the calls were sparse but that was fine cuz we weren't official. But it seems like now that even when we are official he's still stuck with the same calling pattern/frequency. He pretty much has initiated all dates even now and the frustrating thing is that whether I initiate contact or not, text him or not in between his set calls, it seems to make no difference in his calling pattern. Really, the dude is quite clueless hahaa. I think I might have to just come right out and ask him if after 2 more weeks of hinting he is still the same way.

 

Then I wouldn't worry about things, unless you've noticed a change in his behavior. He sounds pretty hooked to me. Probably just clueless.

[SeraBella]

my guess is he has NO IDEA you want to talk more. especially without you contactig him much. i don't think he'll magically start calling him more unless you tell him, or you start initiating it more. i also don't think, from the information provided, that he's seeing someone else.

 

also, again i agree with shadow. men don't feel the need to talk/communicate as much as women do.

 

even with texting, my friends and i have noticed most men usually don't reply unless you ask a question or something that should clearly elicit a reply. whereas if we text friends they respond to pretty much everything. so we have altered our way of saying most things so they respond...usually by asking a CLEAR question.

 

even with my boyfriend now, i'll text and say "hi baby i miss you" and he won't always respond. but when we talk later he'll say "i got your text. thank you it made me feel good, i miss you too" it upsets me he doesn't usually say hi back when he gets it, but after the way a lot of my friend's boyfriends are, i think it's the gender/communication difference. and when i tell him something like "i wish you'd respond to me when i text you" he works on it.

 

my suggestion is you should call him more, or talk to him about wanting to talk more often. otherwise i don't think he's going to just start calling daily any other way. he probably has NO IDEA you feel this way.

[fray718]

my guess is he has NO IDEA you want to talk more. especially without you contactig him much. i don't think he'll magically start calling him more unless you tell him, or you start initiating it more. i also don't think, from the information provided, that he's seeing someone else.

 

also, again i agree with shadow. men don't feel the need to talk/communicate as much as women do.

 

even with texting, my friends and i have noticed most men usually don't reply unless you ask a question or something that should clearly elicit a reply. whereas if we text friends they respond to pretty much everything. so we have altered our way of saying most things so they respond...usually by asking a CLEAR question.

 

even with my boyfriend now, i'll text and say "hi baby i miss you" and he won't always respond. but when we talk later he'll say "i got your text. thank you it made me feel good, i miss you too" it upsets me he doesn't usually say hi back when he gets it, but after the way a lot of my friend's boyfriends are, i think it's the gender/communication difference. and when i tell him something like "i wish you'd respond to me when i text you" he works on it.

 

my suggestion is you should call him more, or talk to him about wanting to talk more often. otherwise i don't think he's going to just start calling daily any other way. he probably has NO IDEA you feel this way.

 

To part in bold, woah! If my bf or anyone I"m dating did that to me intentionally and more than once, they are done! I guess I can't complain cuz with my current bf he'd reply within 5 mins most of the time unless he's asleep or driving and usually with something sweet. Also maybe another thing is that I work during the day and he works at night so our schedules are reversed. I called him once and woke him up and so that is why I prefer to text him instead of call him so as to not wake him up. I guess I'm distressed mainly because of what happened when I was out of town for 10 days. For now that I'm back things are ok because I figured its hard for him to call daily when our scheduels are reversed, but I honeslty was disappointed he put nearly zero effort into calling me while I was gone and he was just sitting at home doing nothing really. The only thing he initiated was one quick happy new year's text for the entire time. It actually got to me so badly that I freaking cried over it and it made me really depressed and I wanted to just break up with him right then. And oh well the fact that I lost my v*rginity to him the night before I left out of town might have worsened the situation. I felt so vulnerable and hurt . But it was a huge relief being back and realizing that he's still the same as before but maybe just really clueless.

Edited January 8, 2008 by fray718

[SeraBella]

He probably didn't want to interrupt you while you were out of town. Just like you said you prefer to text him so as not to wake him up.

 

He didn't know what you were doing all of the time and therefore could have been waiting for you to call him. Since he didn't hear from you, he probably just thought you were busy and barely even thinking of him.

 

And a lot of people just don't like texting, so maybe that would be why he didn't text more than the happy new years text.

 

It sounds like you're expecting a lot of him that you aren't even doing yourself. (I do not mean this as a put down or anything offensive - just a lot of times you can't get more than what you put in)