simplegirl Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I have been really, really thinking about this for some time and I have finally decided to end my R with my MM. There is not one specific reason but it is the whole mess I got myself in. I've been thinking about it for a while (like 6-8 months) but I could never get the strength up to actually follow up through with it. I had the strength today and I was completely ready but didn't talk to him. Now I'm scared that when I do get to talk to him I won't do it. There is not one thing he did wrong, I love him completely but the whole situation is wrong. We have been doing this for 3.5 years and where has it gotten me? I am very involved with his life (friends and family) as we are in the same circle and his step mother and I are really good friends. It's not like I can just walk away and never see him again. I'm just tired of always been the "second or third." He needs to make a decision and he's not going to, he has no reason to. They fight all the time and it is no secret they hate each other. They are not married and she tells everyone she will never marry him but they stay "living together" for the kids. All I am doing is enabling this whole situation. I would never give him an ulitimatium because that is just not me, he'll do what he wants to do. He's told me for the last year that he doesn't know what he would do without me, how happy I make him and so forth. If that were true he would do something to make me happy too, right? I guess I don't really have a question but if anyone has any advice for ending it please fill me in. I called him today and he didn't answer but I knew he was working and had his cell phone with him. As much as I would love to do it by text (so I don't chicken out) I just can't do that. There is too much history and it is just so disrespectful. I just am scared I will chicken out. This is harder than telling my H that I wanted a D (not related to A).
GreenEyedLady Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Just do it...Don't expect to feel immediately better though...It hurts if you still love them...And if he won't let you go, he'll contact you, so be ready for that... And your break-up might be his wake-up call...
KATANYA Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 GEL is right. If you know its time, then just be honest with him and tell him you've waited long enough and now its time for YOU to be happy. It will hurt for a long time and you will go back and forth between "I'm glad its over" to "I want it back" but then it just gets easier. Try to keep remembering all the reasons you DON'T want this relationship instead of dwelling on the memories and emotions of why you DID want him. He will, most likely, pull out all the stops to get you to come back - make sure you are ready to handle that and try to stay out of his 'path' unless completely unavoidable until you are strong enough to deal with seeing him (since you say you share friends, etc.) ---- Find new hobbies, interests to keep you busy. Keep posting here for support and keep believing in yourself and that what you are doing is the best for YOU because it really is all about what is best for you! At the end of the day, when any relationship can no longer give us what we need, its time to move on and find what it is that we do need. People who don't move on and stay in a relationship that isn't working for them are only hurting themselves and stealing precious time away from truly living and enjoying life. If he cannot give you what you need, there is someone out there waiting who can.
Author simplegirl Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Thank you GEL and KATANYA. I know I will miss him and seeing him will make it that much harder. Part of me hopes this is his wake up call. I just can't keep giving this much to half of a life. I know I deserve more. He gives what he can when he can but I don't want to be one of those women that will just wait by the sidelines until he leaves her finally when the kids are grown, if it ever happens. (It did to a friend of mine after 9 years of waiting).
Meaplus3 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I have been really, really thinking about this for some time and I have finally decided to end my R with my MM. There is not one specific reason but it is the whole mess I got myself in. I've been thinking about it for a while (like 6-8 months) but I could never get the strength up to actually follow up through with it. I had the strength today and I was completely ready but didn't talk to him. Now I'm scared that when I do get to talk to him I won't do it. There is not one thing he did wrong, I love him completely but the whole situation is wrong. We have been doing this for 3.5 years and where has it gotten me? I am very involved with his life (friends and family) as we are in the same circle and his step mother and I are really good friends. It's not like I can just walk away and never see him again. I'm just tired of always been the "second or third." He needs to make a decision and he's not going to, he has no reason to. They fight all the time and it is no secret they hate each other. They are not married and she tells everyone she will never marry him but they stay "living together" for the kids. All I am doing is enabling this whole situation. I would never give him an ulitimatium because that is just not me, he'll do what he wants to do. He's told me for the last year that he doesn't know what he would do without me, how happy I make him and so forth. If that were true he would do something to make me happy too, right? I guess I don't really have a question but if anyone has any advice for ending it please fill me in. I called him today and he didn't answer but I knew he was working and had his cell phone with him. As much as I would love to do it by text (so I don't chicken out) I just can't do that. There is too much history and it is just so disrespectful. I just am scared I will chicken out. This is harder than telling my H that I wanted a D (not related to A). Yes, If it were true he would do something to make you happytoo! Action's speak louder than word's, this is a simple fact of life! Listen, in order save yourself so much heartache back away now. You need to not contact him. Good luck to you! AP:)
norajane Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Thank you GEL and KATANYA. I know I will miss him and seeing him will make it that much harder. Part of me hopes this is his wake up call. I just can't keep giving this much to half of a life. I know I deserve more. He gives what he can when he can but I don't want to be one of those women that will just wait by the sidelines until he leaves her finally when the kids are grown, if it ever happens. (It did to a friend of mine after 9 years of waiting). I would advise you to be firm with yourself that it is over, and stick to it. The whole 'wake up call' thing is a double edged sword. It keeps you hanging on to hope that he will suddenly realize that you are the woman he wants when really, he's had 3.5 years to come to that conclusion and has not. Any waking up at this point is suspect. Also, if you want a healthy relationship with someone who can truly give of himself to you, he needs to come to you as a whole, healthy person. Meaning, someone who 'wakes up' and suddenly dumps his current relationship to immediately be with you is not someone who is whole and healthy. Whole and healthy means he has gone through the process of ending his first relationship because he had concluded it was not right for him (not because he was forced to 'wake up' by being dumped by her or you), and needs to have a period of time where he resolves within himself all the feelings from the past relationship (good and bad) before he can truly be with you. So if you're going to end this, make sure you mean it and don't allow yourself to fall for any of his dramatics.
mystic_pizza Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I have been really, really thinking about this for some time and I have finally decided to end my R with my MM. There is not one specific reason but it is the whole mess I got myself in. I've been thinking about it for a while (like 6-8 months) but I could never get the strength up to actually follow up through with it. I had the strength today and I was completely ready but didn't talk to him. Now I'm scared that when I do get to talk to him I won't do it. There is not one thing he did wrong, I love him completely but the whole situation is wrong. We have been doing this for 3.5 years and where has it gotten me? I am very involved with his life (friends and family) as we are in the same circle and his step mother and I are really good friends. It's not like I can just walk away and never see him again. I'm just tired of always been the "second or third." He needs to make a decision and he's not going to, he has no reason to. They fight all the time and it is no secret they hate each other. They are not married and she tells everyone she will never marry him but they stay "living together" for the kids. All I am doing is enabling this whole situation. I would never give him an ulitimatium because that is just not me, he'll do what he wants to do. He's told me for the last year that he doesn't know what he would do without me, how happy I make him and so forth. If that were true he would do something to make me happy too, right? I guess I don't really have a question but if anyone has any advice for ending it please fill me in. I called him today and he didn't answer but I knew he was working and had his cell phone with him. As much as I would love to do it by text (so I don't chicken out) I just can't do that. There is too much history and it is just so disrespectful. I just am scared I will chicken out. This is harder than telling my H that I wanted a D (not related to A). It is hard to do, but you must do it! The situation is making you feel bad and YOU deserve much much more than that! You are a human being and have every right on this earth to expect nothing less than you deserve. The only thing you are doing by staying with him is enabling his disfunctional relationship. You must remove yourself from the equation so he has to decide for himself what he wants. If you stay he doesn't have to because he has the best of both worlds. He doesn't have to be the bad guy and leave and can fullfill his needs by having you. See what I am saying? He doesn't deserve anything more than a text from you telling him it's over. He is keeping you on the sidelines for his own selfish needs. And, he will continue to do so if you let him.
White Flower Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I'm glad you can see how you are enabling him to stay at home. Sometimes that is hard to see. And I feel for you because you are so involved in his life. I'm sure everywhere you turn you'll see him. Since my MM lives far away and we have no common friends it would be easy for one of us to end it without repercussion. I hope your circle doesn't cause you to be drawn back in after you end it. But focus on what you said: Where has 3.5 years gotten you? Life is short, honey. Take care of yourself. Best of luck.
Author simplegirl Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Thank you everyone for the encouragment, apparently I need it because yesterday I was ready and today I keep thinking "well maybe I'll hold on a little longer." Coming here helps me realize that I'm just holding out on myself.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Thank you everyone for the encouragment, apparently I need it because yesterday I was ready and today I keep thinking "well maybe I'll hold on a little longer." Coming here helps me realize that I'm just holding out on myself. Great love involves great risk... Sometimes you have to be strong in order to get what you need...You have nothing to lose and everything to gain... GEL
child_of_isis Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 You being with him gives him the strength to stay in the relationship. Just tell him that you want more in a relationship. That it is not working for you.
9Lives Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I have been really, really thinking about this for some time and I have finally decided to end my R with my MM. There is not one specific reason but it is the whole mess I got myself in. I've been thinking about it for a while (like 6-8 months) but I could never get the strength up to actually follow up through with it. I had the strength today and I was completely ready but didn't talk to him. Now I'm scared that when I do get to talk to him I won't do it. There is not one thing he did wrong, I love him completely but the whole situation is wrong. We have been doing this for 3.5 years and where has it gotten me? I am very involved with his life (friends and family) as we are in the same circle and his step mother and I are really good friends. It's not like I can just walk away and never see him again. I'm just tired of always been the "second or third." He needs to make a decision and he's not going to, he has no reason to. They fight all the time and it is no secret they hate each other. They are not married and she tells everyone she will never marry him but they stay "living together" for the kids. All I am doing is enabling this whole situation. I would never give him an ulitimatium because that is just not me, he'll do what he wants to do. He's told me for the last year that he doesn't know what he would do without me, how happy I make him and so forth. If that were true he would do something to make me happy too, right? I guess I don't really have a question but if anyone has any advice for ending it please fill me in. I called him today and he didn't answer but I knew he was working and had his cell phone with him. As much as I would love to do it by text (so I don't chicken out) I just can't do that. There is too much history and it is just so disrespectful. I just am scared I will chicken out. This is harder than telling my H that I wanted a D (not related to A). i have been with my mm for 3 yrs and everyone is right. you are going to stay the other woman. if he hasnt left by now, he is not going to do it. im here on this site to keep from contating him, to deal with the pain, and to try to overcome the urges that have been surging in my mind and heart. very sad day. it is going to be hard but that is why you come here to get the support you need to survive. i want to forget how stupid i have been and move on. im hurting badly
GreenEyedLady Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 i want to forget how stupid i have been and move on. im hurting badly You have not been stupid...You have loved deeply and thus moving on is difficult... Focus on other things now...Take care of yourself...Learn from the experience and move forward... (((HUGS)))
torranceshipman Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 Great that you've made the decision! If you are scared of caving and not ending it if you see him in person, call him at a time you know it'll go to voicemail, end it in a voicemail then force NC for a coupla weeks before you even consider seeing him or speakin with him again. I know ending it by phone sounds a bit harsh, lol, but it'd be much easier for you, and psychologically, the moment you've left that msg, the deed will have been done! The NC and the fact you did it by phone (in some ways, harsher than in person) might add that bit of 'wow she's harsh and she means it', and wake him and you up to the fact that its over. Sometimes you need to be harsh at the time to really get the message through - he'll understand after a while why you had to do this...just dont risk seeing him, trying to do it , then caving and going back or giving him the 'if only we could be together...i so love you but it has to end' act, etc etc!-because then he'll think he still has you. None of that...a voicemail then NC and the job will be done a lot better and will help you move on too! Cmon...hes had years to make a decision and realise what he had in you, and he hasnt, so his time is up! Good luck!
LakesideDream Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 For what it's worth, I agree with both WR, and GEL. I do know a few other things. First, your heart will tell you what you need to do to be happy. That's not saying it will be the right thing, it's just going to tell you. Also 3.5 years isn't really a long time for an adult. Crazy as that sounds, 3.5 years can go by in a blink. More important is what you have gained in that time. If you sat still with no progress in your life it could have seemed like an eternity. If you were happy, and smiling... blink. Relationships are so convoluted, and difficult. I admit freely that I am confused all the time. You do have something going for you that most don't. Your "guy" never married his SO. That is a big plus. What ever the reasons neither of them were ever comitted enough to take that step. Children always add a responsibility and dynamic that has to be respected. But kids without marriage? Even after the first or second? That's puzzling to me. Good luck girl, I don't see things as bleak for you as some.
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