Crestfallen_KH Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 So, some quick background. Recently divorced and dating someone else who is recently out of a long-term relationship. Both of us spend a lot of time talking about our exes, know we aren't "dateable" right now and have serious trust issues. We are taking it slow and definitely don't consider ourselves bf/gf and are just enjoying one another's company right now. I thought that this would be a good arrangement because neither of us want a LTR; however, we aren't seeing anyone else, sleeping with anyone else and after our first "fight" on Friday, we both were surprised that we cared enough to work it out rather than just tell the other person to take off. So, what's my delimma? I already know this guy can't be a LTR and I think he knows the same. He's EXTREMELY sensitive and defensive. For instance, I might ask a question about something he's said because I'm confused, and he takes my question as questioning HIM or his judgment - not that I may just simply need more clarification. He's very insecure because of his last relationship and even though he's made it clear he's still hung up on his ex, he keeps trying to "feel me out" to see how I really feel about him. Plus, and this is the big thing, he cheated on his wife which broke up his marriage. I was cheated on in my marriage. While this wasn't an instant deal breaker, I have spent enough time with him to know that he didn't learn very much from that. Although he was honest and knew I might kick him to the curb when I found out, whatever was in him that allowed him to cheat is still there, and has gone unidentified and unexplored through any sort of serious self-reflection or therapy. I can't and won't ever seriously consider him for that reason alone. So, clearly this guy isn't emotionally healthy enough for me. I hate to end it now, because I enjoy the companionship, sex, flirty e-mails and late-night chats in bed. BUT, I don't see any future with him. I do think I will continue to resist caring TOO much for him since I unequivocally know we have no future, but does it even make any sense to hang around in what I know to be a dead-end relationship? Is the companionship and sex and all the other goodies a worthwhile reason to hang around, or should I just end it now?
EYECANDY000 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 If his companionship and his goodies is the only thing thats keeping him around and its not a problem then why end it? If he doesnt seem to be complaining about the relationship and how its going and you both are enjoying each others company without the emotional attachment , then dont end it.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Yeah, I don't WANT a LTR now anyway, and I'm pretty much guaranteed not to have one with this guy. I guess I'm just worried about hurting him or somehow getting hurt. We've already talked about how awkward it will be when one of us finds someone else that we may want to date. I guess part of me is just scared and wants to jump ship now to avoid anything messy, emotional or complicated...
Trialbyfire Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 whatever was in him that allowed him to cheat is still there, and has gone unidentified and unexplored through any sort of serious self-reflection or therapy. Holy Dinah! Run like the wind. It's almost like the two of you are re-enacting your past relationships by selecting a similar person, to perhaps correct past wrongs? Please, do yourself a favour, get out. If a cheater hasn't addressed his issues, staying with him is asking to have your heart ripped out. While your rational mind might say, I refuse to get attached, the heart is never, never rational.
Jordane Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I think you're fine for now...there are no red flags jumping out. Just make sure that you do not get too emotionally involved...if you find yourself getting too attached then back off but right now you are probably exactly what each of you need. Someone who is available for all the relationship stuff but with no committment necessary and no hopes of a future.
Lee725 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 it is so easy to assume that you are rebounding off each other and there are these "invisible" walls up to protect each other. As you would be aware feelings can sneak up and attack when you least expect it. As nice as it is to have someone to hold and be with physically, someone in the end is going to get hurt here if it does not end soon. Rebound relationships no matter what the paremetres are rarely end nicely. You are both vunerable, therefore as comfortable as this might be, neither of you can heal from your past hurts when the current situation raises so many new dillemas. Especially with the similarities between the nows and the ex's.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Thanks for your replies, everyone. You've given me some things to think about. Last night I cooked dinner for him when he came over. It felt awkward. I finally said to him "We're never going to be anything more than this, are we?" He looked surprised that I brought it up, but we ended up having a really nice talk. I brought up my concern that he hadn't worked through the affair and he actually talked about his realizations about himself, didn't blame her at ALL and said he wants to go to therapy to discuss it and his other issues. That made me feel a lot better. He really did show some insight into what he did and why he did it. I guess I misjudged him on that score. Sure, knowing why doesn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again, but we both agreed neither of us feels anything romantic towards each other. I can genuinely, truly say I don't want any sort of serious relationship with this man. We agreed that neither of us is a bad person, we're just not a good match for each other. He actually said that he was going to bring this topic up as well, so he was certainly ready to discuss it. Anyway, since neither of us wants a LTR with each other or anyone right now we're planning to spend the rest of the month together and will re-evaluate whether to continue on as friends at the end of January. We've both been honest about where we're at. *shrug* I can definitely appreciate that this might be a bad idea, but we both seem to be on the same page and will talk in a few weeks (probably sooner, knowing us) if that changes.
oppath Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 One thing I would advise you of, is that sometimes you are not ready, and then BAM, you meet someone, and suddenly you are. That seems to happen more often than when you are ready and looking! And I agree with TBF. One of the reasons I ended it with a girl in November is that I was engaging in a familiar pattern, dating a girl who was in no way ready for a relationship because she just got out of one and would still hang out with her ex. While she knew I would not commit to her for that reason, I felt like I was trying to recreate my last relationship. There were so many similarities there. Being in that situation just made me think about my ex more and it certainly didn't help when I met other women, as I was complacent or in no way ready to pursue them. FWB type relationships often prevent you from being open to someone else. Mr. Right could enter your life but because you are occupied, it won't happen. I know that you don't want a LTR right now, but that could honestly change in a month with the right person.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 I see what you're saying, oppath, but honestly Mr. Right couldn't come walking into my life right now. I'm still hung up on my ex, still talk about him and am still healing. Any emotionally healthy, stable guy wouldn't look twice at me and he shouldn't. I need to get there myself before I could even attract that sort of guy. Any guy that would be attracted to me right now isn't anyone I could have a LTR with anyway since he'd be just as messed up emotionally as I am. When I am healed and emotionally stable and indifferent to my ex, I'll put out much different vibes. That is when I'll be open and available to meeting Mr. Right.
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