s01 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Three weeks ago my fiancee (and wife to be) of 8 years up and left me for another man she met at work. We have ony just bought our first home together and I am devistated that my life with her has suddenly come to an end. I never saw this coming and she never seemed unhappy. She has been at her new job a couple of months now and has really only gotten to know this guy farly recently. I was away on a Christmas work do four weekends ago and she had him over on the Saturday to chill out together it turns out he ended up staying until 2 in the chatting. As the week went on I was getting more annoyed that she had done this, i felt cheated on and I approached her about it and she was very cold and distant and basically admitted having 'feelings' for him though they wernt sexual it was all to do with the way he made her feel when they spoke. I couldnt believe what i was hearing and got pretty upset about the whole thing and ended up sleeping in the spare room that night. She wrote me a letter the next morning basically stating that she was sorry and felt as though she had really ****ed things up between us and that all she wanted was to socialise a little bit more but not change anything with us, she was happpy with us and she loved me very much. Friday comes and she decides she needs to talk to me about something. She tells me she doenst know how she feels about this new guy and that she is 'confused' and that im a great guy who deserves better. I leave the house in tears, i need to clear my head, i cant beleive this is happpening im gone an hour or so and i come back to the house to find she is playing music really loudly and acting like nothing ever happened. I confront her again and ask her if she wants to work this out and she tells me that she doesnt think she does! I went into the small room and an hour later she tells me she is going to go and stay with him for the night as she needs to talk to him and get her head straight?!?! To cut a long story short she finishes with me because se says she doesnt feel herself around me anymore, she has 'lost' herself and that she has lost sight of what she wants in life?? Since leaving me three weeks ago I have been in the gutter, im depressed I cant see a way through this and after everything she has done to me I still want her back. Plus I also have the fact that she is with this guy on my mind and wonder what they are getting up to and being a guy the 'sexual' aspect really eats away at you. She keeps contacting me, wanting to see me, make sure im ok, so far I have ignored all of her requests however, I accidentally bumped into her in town the other day. I couldnt talk I just said im sorry i cant do this right now and walked away. Lst night she sent me an email saying that it killed her to see me the other day and that her immediate reaction was to want me back so bad and that she feels really bad for what she has put me through. She wants me to contact her and let her know im ok (which obviously im not going to be!!) She says it will hurt to hear from you but it hurts not hearing from you. Its reallly messing with my head..why would she say she felt she wanted to get back with me when she clearly left...why do I feel as though I could still take her back...how do i stop these obsessive thoughts about her and this guy..she is killing me. I feel as though there is some shred of hope that she wants to be back with me. Any thoughts and advice on my story would be appreciated.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Seems like she is confused. You gave her stability but he gives her passion or attention. Ask her what he offers her. Her answer will probably give you the reason she has done this. She is seeking out what her relationship is not giving her. Are you wrapped up in business? Something in the relationship is lacking to the point where she is seeking it from others. Find out what it is and see if you are able to give it.
vivrantflo Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 First of all, this is NOT your fault that she's stepping out on the relationship. Im sorry for the pain you're feeling. I've never been married but I can only imagine how you must feel. Second... even if you were busy with work, that does NOT give her an excuse or reason to start becoming emotionally involved with another man while she's engaged to you.. what a coward. If she had a problem with the lack of attention, or whatever it may have been.. she should have communicated that to you, so the both of you can work it out as a couple thats planning to get married. And she didn't, because you said she never seemed unhappy.. How old is she?? I hate people like this.. I mean, I am by no means perfect, but 8 years??? Man, I'm sorry for your pain.. I wish I could tell you to just walk away, but I know you love her to death. She says she doesnt want to work it out, and that she's lost sight of what she wants in life?? Excellent.. so screwing another guy at her work place will help her "feel herself" again. Just terrible.. In your shoes, I wouldnt know what to do.. but as an outsider.. I say walk away.. and thank God that He showed you what she's capable of before you married her..unbelievable..
Lee725 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 s01, i am sorry that you are going through this. It may offer you a little comfort to know that in most of these type of situations (not all), it will not work with the guy she is seeing now. He will get used up for the attention that he is giving her and once she has had enough she will come back to you. She may be feeling the need to be back with you because this new guy may fill one or two of her needs and expectations but you fill the rest. It's looking like she may want it both ways. If she does come back, she will have to change Jobs because with her working with this guy you are never going to feel secure. She has gone to him because there was something missing between you, and she has gone searching for it elsewhere. Dont always believe it is sex either, it may well be, but many women myself included search for an emotional connection before a physical one, therefore she may be reaching out to him on that level. Hopefully she may not be having sex with him, but there is a REAL possibility and you will need to consider that before reconcilliation with her. (should that come about) many men will say that it is impossible for a man and woman to hang out and not have sex. It is possible. Rare but possible. The fact that she was unable to communicate her needs and desires to you is as much her failing as anyones. Not only did she not tell you - she gave you no reason to believe that there was a problem. I guess the questions you may need to ask yourself are, if she does come back can you trust her?, can you ever believe that she is truly happy as even this time she gave no indication that there was a problem? i dont want to seem really negative in this situation but what she has done and what she continues represent some personality traits which can not be changed. It would be easy to say walk away, doing it is going to be another thing.
Author s01 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Today I feel like death, i want her back so much its killing me I cant imagine a future without her. I feel like im getting worse as time goes on...in truth I would like to die it just feels easier. The Prosac isnt working. I just wish there was a way of getting her to come back, eight years of devotion, firendship and love wiped out in a flash. I want my old life back really badly...I was never unhappy, i was comfortable and secure and felt loved, now im alone in an empty house with absolutly no idea, no will or understanding of how to let this go. I feel as though nobody could ever fill her shoes. It all happened so quickly I didnt have time to change anything or work at it. Its ruining my life and I cant see any way of changing it!
Krytie TV Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Seems like she is confused. You gave her stability but he gives her passion or attention. Ask her what he offers her. Her answer will probably give you the reason she has done this. She is seeking out what her relationship is not giving her. Are you wrapped up in business? Something in the relationship is lacking to the point where she is seeking it from others. Find out what it is and see if you are able to give it. No offense, but here we have it. Why does it have to be him? Maybe this is just another case of a man providing this "comfortable unchallenging" relationship for his fiancee (which women here will preach time and time again they want) and she pays him back by becoming bored/confused, whatever you want to call it and simply decides to stroll off for another new "feeling". I really find it rather bothersome that you jump to assume he's at fault for his fiancee running off with a man she has known a couple of months. I know there's little consolation in this OP, but at least you found out before the wedding. I know that does nothing to get the last 8 years back though.
Woggle Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Funk that beeyach. I know that is crude but that is the mentality you need to have right now because she is not worth another tear. Why do you even want a woman that would do this to you and treat you so badly. You have no kids with her and you two are not even married so be glad she did this now and didn't pull this crap after a wedding and some kids which would have forced you into being a weekend dad and giving half your income to a woman that resents the hell out of you for god knows what reasons. You are in a much better position than many men who go through similiar things so enjoy your life without her because you dodged a bullet.
OpenBook Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Funk that beeyach. I know that is crude but that is the mentality you need to have right now because she is not worth another tear. Why do you even want a woman that would do this to you and treat you so badly. You have no kids with her and you two are not even married so be glad she did this now and didn't pull this crap after a wedding and some kids which would have forced you into being a weekend dad and giving half your income to a woman that resents the hell out of you for god knows what reasons. You are in a much better position than many men who go through similiar things so enjoy your life without her because you dodged a bullet. I'm with Woggle on this. It's amazing how painful experiences turn out to be blessings in disguise. Eventually. Of course, it's not helpful or comforting to know that while you're first going through it. It's agonizing, and you don't think anyone else can really relate to that much pain. But trust me, most of us have been there in one form or another! Just take it one day at a time, and realize life's not going to be this painful forever. (((((s01)))))
Woggle Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I would suggest remodeling your house and turning it into what you want to help you get over it. It worked wonders for me after my divorce and when i was done I was proud of what I created. My basement is better than some neighborhood bars to hang out so maybe that is a good way to get your mind off of this.
marlena Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Yes, as much as you may be agonizing over this (eight years is a long time) I agree withthe others. This is a blessing in disguise!
Confused9 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I know how hard this is to hear and do but I agree with OP's you need to move on and walk away from this. I am in a VERY similar situation and it really hurts but...you need to do what's best for you. Obviously right now she is not thinking of you and what your relationship meant to her. I don't know whether she will change her mind or want you back or not but I can say you need to start moving forward. Stop all contact and start working on yourself. Being with someone for that long (I was with my fiance for 7 1/2 years) can cause you to lose a part of yourself and you need to explore who you are. You can't do that by asking questions that you can't answer. Trust me. I won't even take my own advice and ask the questions everyday. But, if you are stronger than me...try and listen to everyone and move on and let her go. My heart is broken and I am not moving forward. I want him back. After everything he did...don't be stuck like me. Take care of yourself! Make her realize you are more important to you.
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