lexi29 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 long story short- my bf of 3 yrs left me a few months ago to date his ex. He did not cheat on me. he left me suddenly to date her. He ended everything with me before he started dating her. I was devastated. turned out he only dated her for two weeks and realized what he was missing and wanted me back. I made him wait two months before I decided to give it another shot. Everything had been going wonderfully until recently (week of Christmas). It felt like we were starting over, he was earning my trust back (still insecure about the breakup) and things were better than they'd EVEr been the last 3 yrs. He has an 8yr old son and we get along great. Bf had been talking about getting engaged this spring and moving in togehter (I'm not ready for that so I haven't really said anything when he brings this up) even his son really wants us to be together. As I said things were great. But I have had some insecurities. Right before xmas his neighbor's son came over and said something to my bf about my bf thinking his mom was hot (the backstory is my bf actually hung out with this neighbor woman once when we were broken up (but he was dating his ex) He always said she was nice but nothing happened. He's also complained that she's a horrible mother (and he hates that because his son's mom is a bad mother) and that she neglects her kids. Well I got very upset (my insecuritiy rearing its ugly head) when I found out he'd commented to his son's friend that he thought his mom was hot. I questioned him about it and then I let it drop. Well recently he's been acting a little distant and I started to get worried. Then I found out he was lying to me about something. He'd gone to the neighbor's house and given (the hot neighbor) her son's video game back that her son had left at his apartment. He lied and told me that the boy's sister had come over and gotten the game. Now him taking a game to the neighbor's house is not a big deal to me. But him LYING about it IS!! Him lying about something that may or may not have upset me (if he told me right away i probably would have just asked what did he talk about with her or whatever) really shook me up and now I"m having trust issues again. After him promising never to lie to me again or hurt me he LIED to me. I wouldn't have found out except his son told me. Now I am suspicious of EVERYTHING. Now I"m imaging that the week of xmas when his son was gone (and the nights I wasn't there) that he had some one night stand with the neighbor woman or something. He's not as interested in sex with me (only about five times this week) and he turned me down twice this weekend saying he was tired. he's also not been very affectionate and several times he hasn't told me "I love you" in front of his son like he used to. (he will tell me over the phone though) am I being paranoid or is there something going on? I've asked him and he says he's never slept with, hasn't talked to her since Oct. and the only new thing I learned was that in Oct. he told her he'd take her and the kids to this haunted house and he never did. Are my insecurities causing my suspicions or do I have reason to be suspicious?
Jordane Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 You are being paranoid BUT he might actually be up to something he shouldn't be up to. I don't know how often you guys normally have sex...but I would not be crying "bloody Mary" if my boyfriend and I "only" had sex 5 times a week. Also, he might not have told you about dropping off the game because he knew how you would react and he didn't want to cause unnecessary problems when it wasn't necessary. I think you need to calm down before you run him to the hills with all the jealousy and trust issues. I'm not saying that you should get wrapped up around his little finger and believe every single thing he says if he's not right but often people become so paranoid that they create situations that do not even exist.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Well, only you can get over your own insecurities, but his actions aren't helping. Some people lie so they don't hurt the other person. So, maybe something didn't happen. I think lots of guys are hot and I don't sleep with them. But, your relationship with him does concern me. He may not be right for you. What is the age difference between the two of you? He sounds older but acts immaturely. He's lying to cover something but it could be innocent.
Author lexi29 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks for the replies- he's a year older. I may be blowing things out of proportion. I'm not saying I think he's sleeping with her just because he mentioned he thinks she's hot. I'm worried something bad happened that invovlves her because he LIED about something that had to do with her. And if everything went down the way he said it did, then it doesn't make sense to me that she was rude to him (he said he knocked on the door to drop off the game and she answered and said "What do YOU want?" rudely. Why would she be rude to him if 3 weeks ago when he was taking something out of her yard with me helping she was perfectly pleasant with him- making a joke about something to us and her son and his son are good friends. So imagination is running wild and the scenario I've dreamt up is that he had a one night stand with her sometime the week after christmas when his son was gone and then on saturday (before New years) he used returning the game as an excuse to see or talk to her and she is all pissed off at him. and he lied to me about the whole thing so I"d never suspect anything and wouldn't know he'd had any contact with her. I know this is far fetched but him lying to me has just thrown my trust for him out of wack. I was fine until he lied and my gut feelings were screaming that something was wrong and he was lying. and once I found out the truth (and that my gut was right) I felt so much better and wasn't worried anymore. But then with him being less affectionate and turning down sex it just sent the alarm bells off again. I have NO idea why he would sleep with the neighbor-it makes no sense- we were getting along great, he loves me etc. We had plenty of sex. So there is NO reason for him to do something like that. He knows if I found out I'd leave him in a heartbeat and if he doens't want to be with me all he has to do is say so (did it before obviously!) so I don't know why he'd do somethign like that and drag me down with him. So it makes NO sense that he'd cheat. and as far as the sex thing we normally do something about 8 or 9 times a week (once a day if we can and twice on weekends) so him turning me down is kind of strange.
Owl Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 "Just because you think there's an enemy hiding behind every bush...doesn't mean that there isn't."
Author lexi29 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 So its very strange because the day after I posted this I saw my bf and I had NO bad feelings (gut feelings that he was lying to me) I was perfectly fine and everything seemed great. However last night (day after I felt great) everything was fine and we were talking and I brought up my fears again. He wants to know why I feel threatened by his neighbor and why I think they might have hooked up or something. I told him I didn't have any of these feelings before but after he LIED to me about going over to her house to drop something off, I felt he was covering up something. He still says nothing happened but we were laying there talking and I asked who the last person he slept with before we got back together was. It should have been an easy answer (his ex who he left me for) but he paused for a second before he answered as if he was thinking about it!! I am probably over reacting but it bugged me. he just laughed and said he was tired and thats why he paused. He then turned around and asked me the same question (even though I've told him before that I didn't sleep with anyone when we were broken up but I dated one guy briefly). So now I'm wondering if he DID sleep with someone else either between his ex and dating me again or WHILE he was dating me. (which wouldn't make sense but who knows.) Why am I so paranoid??
Jordane Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I don't know but you are putting unnecessary pressure on your relationship by constantly bringing these things up to him.
Author lexi29 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I dont' know either- its just that if he DID do something I want to know about it ASAP. I don't want to continue rebuilding my relationship with him and (wasting my time) if he cheated on me since we got back together. I know he is quite capable of it since he cheated on his ex (the one he left me for) with ME right after he started dating her. He didnt' tell me that he was dating anyone and he pulled out all the stops to get me to have sex with him (and he says he wanted me so bad that day even though he was dating HER because when I came over he thought I looked so good) Which is a lousy excuse. I have no idea if he had any guilt over cheating on her with me. He told her he felt bad but geez who cheats on somoene they JUST started dating two days before?? The situation was slightly different becasue he and i had been together for three years so maybe he just wasn't over me or I was familiar and he wanted sex. He also totally lied to HER about the hookup and blamed it on me saying I was trying to break them up. So I know he's capable of doing bad things. So basically I NEED to know if he's done anything bad because if he has then I will leave him ASAP. there are no 2nd chances anymore. I love him and want things to work and yes, I can see that if he really is innocent in this whole thing then my "nagging" attempts at trying to figure out the truth will push him away. but I need to know to feel comfortable and move forward in our relationship. Since he's the one who lied to me (even if it was about something small) then he needs to step up and take whatever I throw at him (asking him questions, needing reassurance) he never cheated on me to my knowledge and he's put effort into making our relationship work this time and he says he's content and happy.
Jordane Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 You can ask him your questions and get the answers but asking him the same thing over and over again is just going to drive him insane. If you've asked him everything you want the answer to but just weren't satisfied with his answers...chances are that asking him 1000 more times isn't really going to get you any different answers. You either need to move on and work on your relationship or you need to let it go but what you are currently doing is definitely NOT helping.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 If you can't trust him, why be with him? And spare me all the rationalizations about how "he's a great guy, we get along well together", etc., etc. Sounds like, in your heart of hearts, you know he's not 100% committed to you and your realtionship. Marriage (or any discussion of it) would be a huge mistake. Be very careful... Mr. Lucky
Wantingtogetitright Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 If you can't trust him, why be with him? And spare me all the rationalizations about how "he's a great guy, we get along well together", etc., etc. Sounds like, in your heart of hearts, you know he's not 100% committed to you and your realtionship. Marriage (or any discussion of it) would be a huge mistake. Be very careful... Mr. Lucky ditto! Without trust there is no relationship. If it is your own insecurities and nothing is going on and you don't get these insecurities under control then you will pretty much screw things up and have reason to not trust etc. It's only a fictional novel but boy does it lay out for you what your own insecurities can do - do yourself a favour and read The Other Woman by Joy Fielding. It poses the question sort as follows: You are in a great great marriage, everything is fantastic, you are at a function and a woman who is your polar opposite walks up to you and says Hi I'm ny name is so and so and I am going to marry your husband!
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