cracked1 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I just found out my wife had an affair, i got the news Sunday and i'm devastated. I still don't have all the details but we are talking this week and hopefully i'll get them all. We have a nine year old daughter and my heart is breaking to think she will grow up in a divided home. I have so many emotions right now my head is spinning. I still care about her but i don't know if i can get past this, she wants to stay together but the thought of her f**king someone else is killing me. Of course the affair started at work and she knows better than to tell me who it is. What a mess. I'd really like some feedback from some women if i could get it. Thanks
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I'm very very sorry. I can't stand cheating in marriage. Or in any relationship for that matter. You say he's a co-worker. Does that mean she'll still work with him? Has she confessed and said she'll never do it again? How does she feel about things now? Was she the one that told you? Were you guys having marital problems recently? Intimacy issues?
Author cracked1 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 She works in the same hospital but different departments. She feels terrible about it but i still don't have all the details. She more or less was overheard by her sister talking who told her husband who made her tell me(not too good huh?) She says it's over.
Author cracked1 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Intimacy issues. I'd say we've had sex a lot less this year and she's slowly isolated herself from me.
Gunny376 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 You want her? Kick her @zz to the curb! Tough Love is all that works!
Author cracked1 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 In her defense i've had a porn addiction our entire 16 year marriage that we have tried to work through and i know she has had that to deal with. Otherwise i have been a good husband, provider, father and we have had a terrific social life and all i all it's been good. I feel responsible for this but at the same time viewing porn and screwing people are two different things. I've had more than my share of chances to be unfaithful and thought what that would do to us. I'm really feeling awful right now but what a Aids, Venereal disease etc... Is it really over? I'm a no nonsense guy when it comes to my daughter and the fact that she hid there passports says she knows me. I want to forgive and repair i just don't know if i can.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 If she wants it to work, then it will work. How do you feel about her? Not as a prize or possession, but as a person? Who cares that someone f*cked your wife, how do you feel about your wife. I'm a believer that people cheat because they are not getting what they need from their spouse, so they may talk about it with their spouse and if nothing happens or is modified they will find it in the arms of someone else. Takes two to make and break a relationship. If you want it to work, then be a great listener and do not threaten her or the other man. You need to be strong for the both of you now. Not mad or sorry. If you love her, show it and any good woman will reciprocate.
Art_Critic Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 In her defense There isn't a defense for cheating.. Sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.. Take some time and breath some.. Don't make any knee jerk reactions that you aren't ready to make.. Personally I couldn't stay with a cheater..To me a cheater is saying they left the marriage at the time they cheat.. She feels terrible about it but i still don't have all the details. Of course she does.. she got caught cheating on her husband.. Be careful to not make her infidelity about you.. only accept responsibility for your actions.. She is responsible for her actions...
Nomad1 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Do you love her enough to overlook her indiscretion? How would she have reacted to you having an affair. I don't accept that affairs are always an indicator of a failed relationship (eg. not meeting the partner's emotional needs). Are you able to forgive and forget? Will she do it again? Will you be tempted to have an affair in revenge? Mostly questions I am afraid, because different people react to affairs differently. Nomad1
Mz. Pixie Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 In her defense i've had a porn addiction our entire 16 year marriage that we have tried to work through and i know she has had that to deal with. It was her choice to have the affair period. However some people do consider viewing porn as adultery. It's alot for a woman to deal with. Perhaps she wanted to find someone who wanted her rather than an image in a magazine or on the net?? Not trying to slam you but your porn addiction is an issue in this marriage too. When you masturbate to porn are you not thinking about those women or those situations??
Author cracked1 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 It was her choice to have the affair period. However some people do consider viewing porn as adultery. It's alot for a woman to deal with. Perhaps she wanted to find someone who wanted her rather than an image in a magazine or on the net?? Not trying to slam you but your porn addiction is an issue in this marriage too. When you masturbate to porn are you not thinking about those women or those situations?? Well that's one of my problems. I am to blame to some extent and i feel awful about it. On the other hand i don't consider the two things the same. They had unprotected sex at least 20 times i know of at this point. What about Aids, etc....
Author cracked1 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 If she wants it to work, then it will work. How do you feel about her? Not as a prize or possession, but as a person? Who cares that someone f*cked your wife, how do you feel about your wife. I'm a believer that people cheat because they are not getting what they need from their spouse, so they may talk about it with their spouse and if nothing happens or is modified they will find it in the arms of someone else. Takes two to make and break a relationship. If you want it to work, then be a great listener and do not threaten her or the other man. You need to be strong for the both of you now. Not mad or sorry. If you love her, show it and any good woman will reciprocate. I have never viewed my wife as a prize or possession. I think you'll find that f**king other married people is cause for at least a little concern though. I don't hate her but she doesn't seem to concerned about me or our daughter.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 In her defense you are addicted to porn? What? Ok, granted, that should be gone from the marriage. But it does not excuse or justify her actions. Please, don't blame yourself at all on this one. It was her foolish choice. And yes, make her get tested for STD's across the board. And if for some reason she wants sex with you before test results, say NO. I'd say no anyway, but. If she doesn't care about you or your daughter right now, then what are you doing? Staying with her will hurt you and your daughter if your wife isn't concerned. And the fact that she was forced by some one else to tell you. I know, it's rough, it hurts. But I would NOT take her back. All things point to that she would have continued had she not been over heard.
smacky Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 The way I see it is: you have been dismissive of her problem with your porn addiction. You know she doesn't like it yet you still indulge. Maybe that is a partial reason for her infidelity : she feels you have been unfaithful to her through your indulgence. What she did was totally NOT ok. There is no excuse for infidelity. If you want to be with someone else you leave first! So I guess what you have to ask yourself is: what is your marriage worth to you? What is it worth to her?I know right now there is a lot of anger, and concern for your child. I think it is better to raise a child with divorced parents than in an environment of deceit and distrust. Have you discussed a separation and counselling? Have you been tested for std's?
Author cracked1 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 The way I see it is: you have been dismissive of her problem with your porn addiction. You know she doesn't like it yet you still indulge. Maybe that is a partial reason for her infidelity : she feels you have been unfaithful to her through your indulgence. What she did was totally NOT ok. There is no excuse for infidelity. If you want to be with someone else you leave first! So I guess what you have to ask yourself is: what is your marriage worth to you? What is it worth to her?I know right now there is a lot of anger, and concern for your child. I think it is better to raise a child with divorced parents than in an environment of deceit and distrust. Have you discussed a separation and counselling? Have you been tested for std's? We're discussing separation and counselling. Right now she's putting most of the blame on me though. I'm going to visit some friends in Mexico this week and clear my head. They have both been through divorces and are very wise and kind. I haven't been tested for anything but i guess i should now huh? This sucks! Yesterday she tells me she still has some feelings for this guy. I tlooks like my decision is becoming easier by the day. I'll still take my time and make sure i make the right one.
Author cracked1 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 In her defense you are addicted to porn? What? Ok, granted, that should be gone from the marriage. But it does not excuse or justify her actions. Please, don't blame yourself at all on this one. It was her foolish choice. And yes, make her get tested for STD's across the board. And if for some reason she wants sex with you before test results, say NO. I'd say no anyway, but. If she doesn't care about you or your daughter right now, then what are you doing? Staying with her will hurt you and your daughter if your wife isn't concerned. And the fact that she was forced by some one else to tell you. I know, it's rough, it hurts. But I would NOT take her back. All things point to that she would have continued had she not been over heard. I believe you're right. Starting over at 45 with a 9 nine year old. Liquidating assets, divorce etc.. sounds like fun!
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I believe you're right. Starting over at 45 with a 9 nine year old. Liquidating assets, divorce etc.. sounds like fun! It will be a trying time, and I know it's the hardest step to make. I'm not trying to sway you either way, I'm just giving you my ideas here. And in the end you have to be happy. Your daughter deserves to be happy. That's the bottom line right there. And cheating, infidelity, to me, is the cheating spouse saying "I don't care about you, our marriage, our vows, or rather or not I destroy our lives. It's all about me." You deserve a woman who will serve you, as a wife should, love you, be loyal, faithful, caring. Don't you think you deserve that?
Author cracked1 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I'm still digesting all of this and getting input from everwhere. Most people feel even though i have a porn addiction to solve it is no excuse for my wife to cheat. I realize this is true. Why didn't she just leave me, it would have had the same positive shocking effect this has but without the negative whiplash!
ElvenPriestess Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I'm still digesting all of this and getting input from everwhere. Most people feel even though i have a porn addiction to solve it is no excuse for my wife to cheat. I realize this is true. Why didn't she just leave me, it would have had the same positive shocking effect this has but without the negative whiplash! Why didn't she leave you first? I don't know. I do know that too many people have that same question because nobody figures that fact out. I'm happy to hear you realize you aren't to blame though:-)
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