birdmadgirl Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I am a college-educated, gainfully employed 30-year-old female. I am fluent in one foreign language, functional in three others, and have spent enough time abroad to be able to talk about life in another country at length. I embrace any opportunity I can find to learn about people, their environments, their motivations, and their experiences whenever I can. In all, I'd say I'm a fairly well-rounded girl. There are countless others who are better educated and more well-rounded, without a doubt. I'm just saying I can hold my own in conversation with most of the guys I date. As it turns out, the shy guy I've been talking about went to an Ivy League school, has a father who was one of my old professors (I did not make the connection until we were having coffee last night, and it struck me that in addition to having the same last name, they resembled each other a bit), has spent more time in the very same countries I've been in, is fluent in all four languages I speak, has successfully established the very career I found I couldn't hack... and he's two years younger than me. At this point, I wonder why I'm even bothering to pursue this. What could I possibly have to offer in the way of conversation that would strike this guy as interesting in the least? I'm sure it's just insecurity rearing its ugly head, and perhaps he won't be nearly as hung up on the disparity in our life experiences as I am at this moment. That is, if I've even managed to stir enough interest for him to consider an actual date with me. We're on-par, physically speaking (which means that we're both attractive, but not to the point that people of the opposite sex would drop everything to make our acquaintances), but is that enough? I suppose my question is this: would you - male or female - consider it too far beneath you to date someone who isn't either more attractive or more accomplished? It is worth mentioning that I typically only think about these things when I am clearly on the inferior end of them; otherwise, I really couldn't care less. Thanks in advance for any responses.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I don't consider it beneath myself to date some one less attractive or accomplished than me, I would consider it beneath my self to refuse to date them based on those two things.
oppath Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 So you are saying you are hesitant to date him because he is slightly more accomplished than you and the same level of attractiveness, and that you'd prefer to date someone less attractive or less accomplished why? So you could feel superior or less threatened? The most important things are compatible core values and communication styles. If you have those and you feel chemistry, a connection, go for it. Other things such as being an 8 when he is a 9 or income or education don't matter (income matters but more in your core values about how it should be spent or saved).
oppath Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I don't consider it beneath myself to date some one less attractive or accomplished than me, I would consider it beneath my self to refuse to date them based on those two things. Great response!!!!
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 I don't consider it beneath myself to date some one less attractive or accomplished than me, I would consider it beneath my self to refuse to date them based on those two things. Oh, I agree totally. That's how I feel, but I wondered what others' standards might be. A former colleague of mine would get to know a guy she found reasonably attractive, but if he hadn't attained at least the same educational level (she was in grad school at the time), he got the thumbs-down. She would relax a bit on her educational requirement if she found him to be physically flawless. For the record, all I honestly require is that my guy breathe. The rest is 100% negotiable.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Oh, I agree totally. That's how I feel, but I wondered what others' standards might be. A former colleague of mine would get to know a guy she found reasonably attractive, but if he hadn't attained at least the same educational level (she was in grad school at the time), he got the thumbs-down. She would relax a bit on her educational requirement if she found him to be physically flawless. For the record, all I honestly require is that my guy breathe. The rest is 100% negotiable. Well I know different people would give you different list's of requirements, but I'm pretty basic. Honest, smart, can hold a conversation, and oh yeah. Gotta know how to have a good time.
sb129 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Its only YOUR insecurities that are making you wonder what he would see in you. Just because you couldn't hack the career he has doesn't make you less of a person. In fact, admitting you can't hack it and doing something else is commendable IMO, because every day millions of people slog it out at jobs they hate for all the wrong reasons. You may be more accomplished than him in other things that you haven't mentioned. Ie you say he is shy, he may admire the fact that you aren't as shy as he is, he may admire your honesty. Your personality isn't completely defined by the things you have achieved, and its your personality that he should be finding attractive first and foremost.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 So you are saying you are hesitant to date him because he is slightly more accomplished than you and the same level of attractiveness, and that you'd prefer to date someone less attractive or less accomplished why? So you could feel superior or less threatened? No, not at all. I'm wondering why he'd even bother with me (which I realize isn't much better). To say I am impressed by his achievements would be a massive understatement. I look up to him quite a lot and find myself inspired by him. Still, it's a bit intimidating. But no, this in no way makes me want to be around him any less.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Its only YOUR insecurities that are making you wonder what he would see in you. You're probably right, SB. On all counts, actually, but especially there. Thank you for your reply.
sb129 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 You're probably right, SB. On all counts, actually, but especially there. Thank you for your reply. Give yourself a little more credit. You are a good catch and any guy who dates you is a lucky man. There are men out there who would be intimidated by your achievements too you know.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 In fact, admitting you can't hack it and doing something else is commendable IMO, because every day millions of people slog it out at jobs they hate for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to add that I am no happier doing what I'm doing now than I was when I was playing journalist. I had dreamed of being a reporter since I could talk, worked on every newspaper staff for every school I ever attended, and then realized once I was out in the real world that I was in over my head. Perhaps this is the part of all this I find the most intimidating: he's doing - and is absolutely brilliant at - what I've always wanted to do, and for the time being, I am one of the millions of people slogging it out at jobs they hate for all the wrong reasons (although paying the rent is certainly compelling, if not right). I know it doesn't make him better than me, and I'm almost certain he won't see it the same way I do. Oh - and the shyness, combined with all this other stuff...? I found myself mentally undressing him throughout the evening. There's something about this exact combination of characteristics and the fact that he's so humble about all of it that I find totally irresistable. I'm just sayin'.
Krytie TV Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I don't consider it beneath myself to date some one less attractive or accomplished than me, I would consider it beneath my self to refuse to date them based on those two things. Echoed! Well put.
sb129 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Birdmadgirl, I can understand your feelings re: his job, I think I would feel the same to a point. I would also be a little jealous. But I would try not to let the R suffer before it got going because of it...
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 It's how the person makes you feel that's important - not their stature in life.
Saxis Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I suppose my question is this: would you - male or female - consider it too far beneath you to date someone who isn't either more attractive or more accomplished? It is worth mentioning that I typically only think about these things when I am clearly on the inferior end of them; otherwise, I really couldn't care less. Thanks in advance for any responses. So pretty much, would I date someone on almost the exact same "wavelength" as me? Absolutely! Isn't that kind of the point? Finding someone that can challenge you a bit, yet be an equal?
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 So pretty much, would I date someone on almost the exact same "wavelength" as me? Absolutely! Isn't that kind of the point? Finding someone that can challenge you a bit, yet be an equal? Those qualities have nothing to do with looks or accomplishments. It's one's mentality, personality, heart, and soul that define who they are and molds the other qualities of compatibility.
Florida Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 No, not at all. I'm wondering why he'd even bother with me (which I realize isn't much better). To say I am impressed by his achievements would be a massive understatement. I look up to him quite a lot and find myself inspired by him. Still, it's a bit intimidating. But no, this in no way makes me want to be around him any less. You want the facts? What you descibed makes him want to have you around even more. Every guy wants the girl to be impressed, awestruck and hanging on his every word. I've never met nor heard of any accomplished (meaning mastered his discipline:to be *king* of his domain) guy who was with a woman in the same field who had similar or better track record of accomplishments. So this works in your favor.
Saxis Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Those qualities have nothing to do with looks or accomplishments. It's one's mentality, personality, heart, and soul that define who they are and molds the other qualities of compatibility. Huh? The question was specifically on looks and accomplishments, and that's all I meant by "wavelength". Obviously there's more to it than that, but that's not what was asked.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Huh? The question was specifically on looks and accomplishments, and that's all I meant by "wavelength". Obviously there's more to it than that, but that's not what was asked. I was merely offering a broader perspective on qualities of personality that make dating qualities, as the OP asked about people's preferences in one post. Going by that post I'd say it's relevant to one of the questions that was asked.
Trialbyfire Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I suppose my question is this: would you - male or female - consider it too far beneath you to date someone who isn't either more attractive or more accomplished? It is worth mentioning that I typically only think about these things when I am clearly on the inferior end of them; otherwise, I really couldn't care less. More important than attractive or accomplished is, does he challenge me intellectually? If not, I get bored and wander off. Don't be intimidated by anyone. Every single person has strengths and weaknesses, yourself included. Know them and work with it.
Saxis Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 More important than attractive or accomplished is, does he challenge me intellectually? If not, I get bored and wander off. Don't be intimidated by anyone. Every single person has strengths and weaknesses, yourself included. Know them and work with it. I had to break this down into something I could understand. Private Sub Potential_Match Do While Intellect >= (Looks + Accomplishments) Date If Intimidated = True Then Exit Sub Loop End Sub Yeah, probably not that funny..... I have no idea what it's like to be with someone I could talk to at my level in the things that interest me... Sounds hot!
Trialbyfire Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I had to break this down into something I could understand. Yeah, probably not that funny..... I have no idea what it's like to be with someone I could talk to at my level in the things that interest me... Sounds hot! Haha...that's pretty funny. For some reason the loop was the best part. Another component of compatibility. If you can't discuss each other's interests, whether they're the same or different, it takes away from the potential of a relationship.
LovesDog Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 you are so worthy of this guy. you are a screaming good catch!!! shun those bad thoughts! ok, i pose another question: are guys intimidated by a girl that is more successful (career-wise and financially) than they are? we already know that girls can be
Saxis Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 are guys intimidated by a girl that is more successful (career-wise and financially) than they are? we already know that girls can be I think it's safe to assume moreso than women are of men. I think that's only due to the historical "breadwinner and house wife" situation, but that's changing with the economy. It's getting hard to support a family on a single income and women are pursuing careers in a once male-dominated business world. There's twice as much competition out there. Of course that's an overall look. Personally, it comes down to the man's confidence...
Sand&Water Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 RE: There are two distinct motions you are engaged in, Birdmadgirl. You are trying to differentiate from rationally allowing your brain to take over your heart, or for your heart to override your brain. Which one is succeeding thus far? Heart. You know exactly what you need to do. You're looking for someone to give you a little push in the right direction -whichever direction you have in mind. In all honesty though, viewing him as someone whom you look up to in almost all aspects/respects is in and of itself a red flag -a dangerous sign. A relationship will be quite turbulent if founded, and happens to blossom into something beautiful, under such conditions. Sand&Water
Recommended Posts