pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I have been in a relationship for a couple of months now. I met a beautiful girl on my hikes 9 months ago and we started dating about 3 months ago. We connected on every level in such a short period of time and it has been intense. We both have never felt this way about anyone else before and we really feel we truly love each other but she thinks she still has to experience dating other men. Can anyone give me an opinion?
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Break it off with her completely. It isn't fair to you to have strong feelings, want to make the relationship more serious and she still wants to date others. All that will do is hurt you, make you feel jealous and eventually you'll resent her. Tell her when she is ready to settle down, to call you, but make sure she understands you won't wait too long. I'll bet she'll take the time to think and once you back off of her, she'll miss you and want to try to see where things can go with you. DO NOT continue dating her if she still wants to see other men - Unless you're completely okay with that.
oppath Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 How old is she? Was she in a long relationship and when did it end? I too have dated women who swore up and down "I think I could fall in love with you...but" they still wanted to date other men. "It's just where I'm at right now and if another guy asks me out I'm going to say yes." I always asked them "then why are you still dating me after a couple months?" While the onus was on me to walk away because they weren't doing anything wrong technically, I still didn't think they were treating me fair (usually there was other bad behaviors such as not calling when they said they would because they were with other guys, etc). If they wanted to be FWB, let's do that, but they persisted the did have feelings and felt something amazing could happen, but right now, that wasn't what they wanted. Well, it was what I wanted and I see no purpose in dating casually beyond 6 weeks or so, even if both people don't want a relationship. But if one does, and you do, quite honestly after 2-3 months, if she doesn't want to commit, you should walk away, likely before that if you are looking for a relationship.
Author pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks. I thought there may be something wrong with me as she expects that I am cool with that. We have an age diff of 14yrs. She's young, very intelligent but not that experienced in relationships as she has had a particularly bad one a couple years ago. She loves me but says that she has to experience dating others first, encourages me that I should date others (which I don't want to), but says she's never loved anyone this much before but never experienced these crazy, intense feelings ever. So you think it's right that I back off? I thought that was the right thing to do. I showed her something pure and positive and have done nothing wrong. Do I keep in touch with her while she makes her decisions while dating others?
oppath Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Do I keep in touch with her while she makes her decisions while dating others? No. Maybe respond to her minimally, but she really has to say "I miss you" and then you have to ask "what do you mean by that?" If she wants to see you, then see her, but then ask "what are your intentions by seeing me?"
Author pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 This is an amazing site btw! I would have never imagined something like this would exist. Love hurts I guess.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Keep intouch if you want, maybe do a dinner once in a while. But, do not involve yourself in her daily life as a friend. A casual dinner or lunch out is okay. So, I take it she's in her early 20's? Can I ask how old you are?
Author pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks oppath! She says she misses me if I don't talk to her for a day. I'll take you up on that good advice and ask her 'what does she mean by that'.
Author pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 She just turned 27 and I'm 40. She's just establishing a teaching career and I'm a prof. product designer. Our signs align, she's an old-soul in a young body, and people think that I'm 30 or so. The age gap does concern me.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks. I thought there may be something wrong with me as she expects that I am cool with that. We have an age diff of 14yrs. She's young, very intelligent but not that experienced in relationships as she has had a particularly bad one a couple years ago. That's it, right there. She's not completely convinced you're the right one, because of the age gap. I think it may be a sub-conscious issue with her because once you hit 80, she's 66.... still got a feisty spark there... My mother is 11 years younger than my father. He is 87 this year, and she is 75 at the mo'.... She told me - "Big age gaps are a problem at the beginning..."(you wouldn't have dated her when you were 25, would you?) ..."and at the end... because invariably, the younger 'spouse' becomes the carer too...." So think about all the permutations this relationship will bring. There are bigger issues here than just fidelity or commitment. This is just my view though. But it may be a valid one you'd like to consider....
Author pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks everyone!!!! I value the opinions and will take this practical advice. Though, I am 40yrs old, these type of relationships are few and far between as I have never connected with someone on every level. Because of the age gap, I will back off and let her experience what she needs to at this stage in her life. I feel good that I've been a positive experience in her life and will have to leave it at that. It just hurts as timing is everything I suppose...
Author pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 One more advice as I would greatly appreciate it. I want to keep our friendship as I am her best friend. I am going to see her tonight to talk about this so do I talk to her as a best friend which would be everyday? Do I see her once a week or every other week for dinner and avoid intimacy? Do I listen to her talk about future dates if and when she decides to go out with another man even if it hurts to listen? Thank you.
oppath Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 One more advice as I would greatly appreciate it. I want to keep our friendship as I am her best friend. I am going to see her tonight to talk about this so do I talk to her as a best friend which would be everyday? Do I see her once a week or every other week for dinner and avoid intimacy? Do I listen to her talk about future dates if and when she decides to go out with another man even if it hurts to listen? Thank you. No, no, and NO. Best friends do not talk every day in general. See her once a month. Don't let her talk about dates. In fact, do none of those things unless all you want is friendship. It sounds like you want to be friends, no intimacy, while she dates others in hopes that leads her to conclude you are the one. It's not going to happen. You'd be better off asking her to be friends with benefits. In fact, I'd tell her "basically what we have is a friends with benefits relationship. I am looking for more in my life. So we can continue this, but I'm going to put myself out there and look for someone else who is looking for a relationship." Seeing her once a month might be ok, but honestly, if she is not giving you what you want and need, walk away. That does not mean burn bridges. It just means make her chase you. Let her know that you've decided to start moving on because you are looking for a relationship. Be serious about it.
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 In my opinion fwiw, if you're choosing tonight to break up with her, make sure you do it on neutral territory... be kind and discreet. The other thing is, to also be led, insofar as future contact is concerned, by what she might like to do also. But yes, avoid all intimacy. it's tempting, but you're both mature enough to see his as a danger, so 'nuff said.... if she wants you as a friend - and you want to be her freind - you may well have to expect talk of other guys in her life. Take it as it comes, but if it becomes painful, ask her to just be tactful and not say too much. Just me....
Author pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 (edited) She just told me by email as I want to tell her tonight and she says she doesn't want a best friend, she wants a relationship. So, this is confusing the heck out of me. How can she have a relationship with me and submit to pressures from her family that she should date other men? I don't want her submitting to just accepting the relationship and blame me down the road for not giving her the chance to experience others. Edited January 7, 2008 by pfotobug
oppath Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 So basically her family thinks you are too old for her. that will become a problem down the line. Ask for what you want. You have the right to ask for what you want. Relationships are like a business transaction at times. If someone can't give you what you want, and negotiate the options that you want, then you need to shop elsewhere.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 She just told me by email as I want to tell her tonight and she says she doesn't want a best friend, she wants a relationship. So, this is confusing the heck out of me. How can she have a relationship with me and submit to pressures from her family that she should date other men? I don't want her submitting to just accepting the relationship and blame me down the road for not giving her the chance to experience others. Hey... what kind of relationship can you maintain with her without getting hurt? I'm going to be honest with you, she will more than likely resent you forcing her into an exclusive relationship. At the same time she will never respect you if you accept her proposition as it stands. Were our places switched, I would maintain a physical relationship with her and date other women... whether I wanted to or not. The emotional distance will more than likely bring her back to you. At the same time maintaining physical contact may provide the incentive to not go very far with other men. Truth is though... I think you could do much better than this girl... and if you continue dating, you may find someone who actually values you!
Author pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Yes, her family and friends have a major influence on her and she does things to make her family happy. I appreciate the direct advice and will ask for what I want. I keep telling her that this is our only chance as love is staring us in the face and she should not let others decipher her life. Thanks again oppath!
oppath Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Were our places switched, I would maintain a physical relationship with her and date other women... whether I wanted to or not. The emotional distance will more than likely bring her back to you. At the same time maintaining physical contact may provide the incentive to not go very far with other men. Not a bad idea. Flip the script and see how she likes it.
Author pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 So noted all! I get a sense that I should be firm in what I want and don't submit to giving her the best of both worlds. I think I have to give her space though so she can realize in time what is important to her. In terms of time, I wouldn't know how to gage that. I'll let you know what comes of our conversation tonight. I can't thank all of you enough and I wonder how I can give back to this site. This site is truly amazing!
blind_otter Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I can't thank all of you enough and I wonder how I can give back to this site. This site is truly amazing! Why not read some other posts and offer your advice?
EYECANDY000 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 If she wants to date other guys then she isnt taken the relationship so serious! she is bascially leaving her options open just in case something else comes along
Author pfotobug Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Good way to put it. Thanks Eyecandy000!
Cobra_X30 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 If she wants to date other guys then she isnt taken the relationship so serious! she is bascially leaving her options open just in case something else comes along Most women I know don't start keeping thier options open until they actually find another man that they want to go after. So, there is the possibility that something else has already caught her eye... Your welcome Pfoto... I think your going to be fine in the end... with or without her.
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