why does this guy say he doesn't want a relationship but act as though we are in one?

[pigeonsid]

Hi there-

 

I have been over in the Second Chances thread, but I thought this question probably belonged in this thread.

 

You can find my story in other posts, but basically - my ex-boyfriend walked out on me about 2 months ago, after a very intense and serious relationship. I immediately moved my holiday tickets earlier to escape the country while he moved all his stuff out of our apartment. And while on holiday, I followed the advice of some of my friends which was - go sleep with someone else, and just heal.

 

A couple of weeks ago that is exactly what I did. I found a guy who was better looking than my ex, who was smart and funny and in many ways seemed better than my ex. It was a wonderful thing to just find someone who I actually thought was better and to stop thinking so obsessively about my ex. This rebound guy had also just got out of a 2-year relationship and while he hit on me first, he also told me that same night that he didn't want to be in a relationship. So, I said - that's great, I don't want anything either - and we had what I thought would just be a one-night stand.

 

Ok, the complicated thing is that - I texted him basically goodbye on New Year's, and he has been texting me ever since. We are both on holiday right now and actually live back in the same home city, so at first I thought that we would wait a month until we got back and see where it could go then. However, he then proceeded to change his ticket to stay for another couple of weeks (I don't know if I played any part in his decision or not) but to cut it short - after a week of very flirty texts, I went to meet him in a bar. We were both out that night, and he texted me saying that he wanted to meet up, but when we got to the bar he was really mean and hostile to me. My friend actually got me out of there because he was behaving so badly. We left and I thought that would be it then, but he texted me in the morning apologizing and saying that he wanted to meet up for coffee this week.

 

Sorry this has been such a long post but I"m really confused. I'm really confused about what he wants and why he's behaving this way. I really just wanted to date, have fun. I was really happy with our one-night, it was what I needed at the time. But if he wanted to extend this into a fling then I was willing to go with that too because he actually seems like a really good guy. But the whole hot-cold thing is really strange, and if he doesn't want to be in a relationship, I don't understand why I'm starting to get what seems like relationship-tantrums from him.

 

I know the whole situation doesn't sound good, and that rebounds are never good. Let me just say - I understand some of his fear and anger responses because I'm in a similar place right now. I'm really attracted to him, and it's a good thing because I was so hung up on my ex that it was a big thing to realize that I could be attracted to someone else. I don't know if I should just cut my losses and get rid of this new guy or have some more patience with him. Any advice? Thanks.

[Lucky555]

Bottom line "he does not want a relationship"

 

I was involved with someone who had been out of ltr and it had been a yr since his break up. I had not been in a break up at the time at all. However, after three months i asked him and he said "he was not looking for a relationship" wow what a shock i continued seeing him "thinking he would change his mind" no he didn't the mans mind was made up. He still wants to be my friend but i find it too difficult to be friends. So here i am i wasted the past year hoping he would change.

 

i believe he likes you but he may just want friends with benefits. I don't understand why the guy tries to act like your boyfriend or that your in a relationship...this too happened which had threw me off and thought that he did want one BUT NOPE, its just their way of being selfish. He wants to have you on the side and also pursue others.

 

That guy i dated was a great guy too, but for some reason when it came down to it there was no relationship and he was always mad when i went out with friends or talked about other guys but he didn't want to be with me. GO figure just a mans ego i think.

 

I think you should find someone else to get to know. find someone who can meet you on all levels.

 

If u want to keep a guy that behaves like this and tries to keep you around while not wanting you then its heartbreak in the end.

[pigeonsid]

Actually, right now all I want is friends with benefits as well... which is why I thought we were on the level and ok. What I don't understand is that his texts have been really sweet, and he is acting as though he wants what I want (which is friends, with benefits, and no other complications) but when I met up with him he wasn't even being friendly - just being pretty much hostile. So then I thought, ok, it was what it was, move on and it's just his big apology text which has thrown me again. That's why I'm not sure what to do - do I actually try to meet up with him again? Do I just wait another month until we're back home? If he would be clear about what he wanted, then I would actually know what to expect, but right now he seems so changeable, I'm not sure what's going on with him at all.

[pigeonsid]

Oh, and his excuse in his text was that it was a really bad day, he was having family probs and somehow that was his reason for treating me so badly. I guess it's things like this which make me more sympathetic to him. And did I mention he's hot? I do want to sleep with him again, bad as that sounds.

[Lucky555]

well if you just want friends with benefits and he did explain himself. Some people do have bad days and handle themselves differently. If hes violent i would not pursue this but if you want to give him another try then go for it.

 

Tell him next time to just call you and let you know if hes not feeling up to meeting with you.