ahah2322 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 my bf and i have been together for 3 years. recently, we've been having alot of troubles and problems- i.e. the lack of intimacy, affection, quarrels, getting irritated with each other frequently- and it's no fault of just one. i'd say its a shared responsibility. we've truly lost touch on all levels and it upsets me a lot.. i feel so lonely in this relationship and i feel so depressed being so distant from him. i wanted him to know how i feel, amidst the quarrels (not heated or anything) and cold standoffs and so i messaged him. ME: can we feed our relationship with more love, compliments, spontaneity and affection? cos i guess we both feel starved... i do. Him (after 2 hours): Frankly i just feel unmotivated. I feel that we have lost touch. I seem to get irritated very easily around you, i don't know why... I felt so crushed by that and really, i'm not one who prolongs the inevitable. Me: Yes, we have really lost touch- and that is why i feel so lousy about us all the time. Since you don't feel motivated then i suppose there is little point in this. maybe a break up is best. Him: Does it all make sense? or are you speaking from the stress of change? Let's ease it the next couple of weeks, i feel that the expectations are primarily what turns me off. I haven't yet replied him. I feel so confused and stressed. If it's relavant, we have not yet engaged in sexual intercourse. I feel so lonely.. i just want to run over to him and end all the coldness and lack of intimacy. i want us to be passionate and interested again. i want him to be passionate about us again. I am crying so badly now because i don't know what has happened to us. please advice me.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Wow, I live every day with my H as you do with your b/f. Same thing. Lack of intimacy, he's short tempered. He thinks ending it is best. I hope you guys don't get to that point. What does he mean by expectations being a turn off? Three years is a long time to commit to some one, you two are obviously very serious about each other. So what exactly is the expectations he speaks of? If he needs some space that might actually work. If you allow him to take a breather and calm down, take some time off so to speak, he will most likely realize how much he misses you. A key here is to not smother him too much when you're lonely. That will only irritate him more. Then when he's ready to talk, be around you again, you guys need to go out, have fun together, do things you both really enjoy doing. Laugh, smile, have a good time. Do you guys go on dates often these days? I'm sorry you're crying hun. *hugs you*
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 my bf and i have been together for 3 years. recently, we've been having alot of troubles and problems- i.e. the lack of intimacy i feel that the expectations are primarily what turns me off. If it's relavant, we have not yet engaged in sexual intercourse. I feel so lonely.. I am crying so badly now because i don't know what has happened to us. please advice me. Ok lets see here 1st off have you have been togher for 3 years with no sex? I mean I find that amazeing myself is this a mutual choise or is it a you guys wating to get maried 1st type of thing? That in its self speaks volumes if its just you havent yet not that sex is everything but 3 years?? Ok next there are always expectations in any serious relashionship did he expect there would be none? That comment to me means hes eather a real @ss and totaly unconserned with your feelings/needs or hes like 12 I'm not sure which yet. Of course your hurt and upset I'm very sorry but it dosent sound good to me. And you almost sound like you want to end things but hes keeping you strung along.
Author ahah2322 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 thank you so much for the hugs ELVENP. and the precious few minutes in your life to reply. i'm really sorry about your marriage troubles and i reallllllly hope they improve soon. we hardly go on dates anymore (unless they are family events). and when i ask, he obliges and very inevitably, i feel sad that he doesn't ask me out or take the initiative and so when we actually do go out, i become very withdrawn and quiet and cold. it's a vicious cycle. i expect intimacy and affection and i request it. he obliges and i feel sad that its not his initiative and i withdraw. i don't know.. i feel very helpless. he's also very irritated by me because although only a year older than me, he's very mature in his thinking. he says i'm spoilt silly, not street-smart, expecting the whole world to pander to me and to pick up after me. and that i'm self-centered. these are not just allegations and i admit to such character flaws of mine. i have not seen the realities of the world (am very sheltered by my parents)... and am very childish. he's always watching out for me, everything. we truly have lost touch and this (not him) fact hurts me alot. he's a great guy (the fact that we haven't had sex during the course of our 3 years is very telling). is this relationship still salvagable? what would be best? i want only the best for him... and if it means a breakup (so that he may find a more street-smart and less pampered individual) i will go through with it. please advice me. i know im open to alot of flaming due to my character flaws and i will try to change and grow into a better person for MYSELF and the people around me.
Author ahah2322 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Hi SPANKS, thank you for taking time off to reply. as i've previously mentioned, '' there are no cultural issues standing in the way of sexual intercourse at all. i'm not at all against pre-marital sex. but you see, i'm only 18 and i don't feel ready for it.'' i know that he really wants it but i guess i'm gonna have to be ready and feel i'm mature enough to handle the act and whatever consequences that may follow up for sex to happen. I'm **** afraid of getting pregnant (like seriously **** scared, we both have good lives, college and everything ahead of us) and we're only in our teens and we will surely have plenty of chances to rock it out. will having sex with him save the relationship? do you think so? i know its pathetic but i feel both desperate and bad for my bf cos i guess he deserves sex.. i don't know/ am very confused.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 These aspects of your personality were there when he met you. So him throwing it in your face isn't right. It wouldn't be right anyway. If he doesn't care for an aspect of who you are then he needed to calmly bring it up let's say, three years ago? He doesn't initiate intimacy? Have you tried (dare I say) the "provocative" approach? You know, wear his favorite shirt you own, the jeans or skirt he goes crazy over seeing you in. I wouldn't jump into a break yet. You two need to sit down and explain what each of you expects, needs, and wants. If you miss having him initiate dates, or just even holding your hand or kissing you, then explain those are your needs. Then it's his turn. He can tell you one of his needs. Talk about each one, resolve each issue and resolve to work on it. I still don't understand what he means by expectations turning him off. I really think you should call him and set up a time to sit over some coffee or something else mutual and talk about everything. Where you stand, how you feel, all of it. Because you deserve someone who compliments you, kisses you, wants you, takes you out. We as women need to feel needed and wanted by our SO. And btw, it's sweet to think of what will make him happy, but remember that you need to focus on what makes you happy. That's what he's doing. Focusing on his own happiness, you need to do that too. Communication is step one here.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 will having sex with him save the relationship? do you think so? i know its pathetic but i feel both desperate and bad for my bf cos i guess he deserves sex.. i don't know/ am very confused. Whoa, hold up here. Sex should not be a factor of saving your relationship. As you said, you're young, you have fears about it, but those things can be discussed. Do NOT try and think you owe him sex to hold the relationship together. Negative on that thought.
Author ahah2322 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks Elven. since he says to ''wait it out a couple of weeks'', do i not contact him at all? discuss it with him tonight? give him all the space till he contacts me...?
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks Elven. since he says to ''wait it out a couple of weeks'', do i not contact him at all? discuss it with him tonight? give him all the space till he contacts me...? If it were me I'd probably call and say something like "Hey, real quick, I'd like to say I'm sorry things have been rough between us lately, and I just want you to know I want to sit and talk with you, but only when you're ready. Ok?" And leave it at that. You can't pressure him or force him, but simply let him know that that's what you want. By telling him that you'll wait until he's ready to talk to you too, he won't feel like your pushing him.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Hi SPANKS, thank you for taking time off to reply. as i've previously mentioned, '' there are no cultural issues standing in the way of sexual intercourse at all. i'm not at all against pre-marital sex. but you see, i'm only 18 and i don't feel ready for it.'' i know that he really wants it but i guess i'm gonna have to be ready and feel i'm mature enough to handle the act and whatever consequences that may follow up for sex to happen. I'm **** afraid of getting pregnant (like seriously **** scared, we both have good lives, college and everything ahead of us) and we're only in our teens and we will surely have plenty of chances to rock it out. will having sex with him save the relationship? do you think so? i know its pathetic but i feel both desperate and bad for my bf cos i guess he deserves sex.. i don't know/ am very confused. Woha as well I dident realise you guys were so young is that you in your avatar? You just look a bit older there sorry. I honestly respect you for your choise to not have sex untill YOU are ready! Thats awsome and if he respected you he would as well perhaps his hole loss of intrest in the relashionship in genral is over this I have a feeling it is. Hes prob feeling under pressure to do it I asume hes only 19 or so? if your 18 so his hourmones are running wild as it is bad enough. I can also understand your fear of getting preg you are not as imature as you clam to be and I don't care what he says! Most girls your age don't think with half your brains! Now NO it shouldent be used to save the relashionship EVER you can be intamate in other just as pleaseing ways. But if and when you decide hes the one you want to share that with and please do think about it. Then there are some very good contraseptivaes out there and when you make that choise I would suggest also useing condoms and maybe talking to your doc about birth control. If bouth are used I think the chances are just about zilch of an unwanted preg happening. Oh and please excuse my s**ty spelling at the moment lol..
Author ahah2322 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 hi Spanks, wow. maybe im not that immature after all. but yeah i suppose 3 years is a long time. many would even bail after 3 months. oh well. I'm glad my bf, although wants some action (he being a guy and a virgin- and i can bet the tremendous amt of peer pressure) is willing to wait. i do reciprocate with non-penetrating sex. i feel so self-assured of my values- resisting temptations and pressure- and this is something ingrained within me. my bf called and i guess i should have more faith in him. he says he doesn't initiate because he feels pressured by my expectations (and i guess its a vicious cycle) and that he constantly feels that he has to live up to my needs and wants. we've sorted that out and really, it has to do with alot of communication- in essence, we both want the same thing. he wants to do things for me out of his own free will i.e. not pressured. i want him to do things willingly, and not feel like its a chore cos i will naturally withdraw affection in response. in retrospect, do you guys realize that this particular post is about ''him doing things for me (because he wants to)? i just did... and i'd really got to be more giving and less self-absorbed. Thank you so much elvenP and Spanks. i'm only 18, still have a long road ahead of me... and i will grow to be a better person. p.s. I'm so sorry about your marriage- went to read the threads u've started. i'm only 18 and i don't think i can give substantial or worthy advice/ enlightenment... but i think you're a great person, taking time off to help others like me. i wish you strength and happiness.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 That's very sweet of you. Just stick to your principles, and if things are meant to be it will all work out for you. I don't think you've done anything wrong here just make sure you stand your ground with your needs and wants. We all deserve to have what we desire.
mental_traveller Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I think the fact that you were together for 3 years+ and never had sex is probably a big reason for his emotional withdrawal. Most men tend to need sex to connect emotionally with a woman on a deeper level, without that it's just natural to slowly withdraw and hold back your feelings IMO. I saw on another thread you are 18 and say you aren't ready for sex. That's fine, but I would suggest you stay single or just date casually rather than try a serious relationship. Only get involved seriously with a guy once you feel comfortable with the idea of having sex in a relationship.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2008 Posted February 9, 2008 I think the fact that you were together for 3 years+ and never had sex is probably a big reason for his emotional withdrawal. Most men tend to need sex to connect emotionally with a woman on a deeper level, without that it's just natural to slowly withdraw and hold back your feelings IMO. I saw on another thread you are 18 and say you aren't ready for sex. That's fine, but I would suggest you stay single or just date casually rather than try a serious relationship. Only get involved seriously with a guy once you feel comfortable with the idea of having sex in a relationship. Men don't need sex, they want it. I've been in relationships where we were having sex and still didn't connect on an emotional level and fought all the time. I don't think it's the sex actually, if it was they: a) wouldn't have lasted 3 years or b) he would have broken up with her wwwwaaayyyy sooner. You don't need sex to hold a relationship together and be emotioanlly connected..what about the couples who wait until marraige to have sex? Should they not have gotten married? It's his choice to stay in a sex-less relationship, I don't think she's forcing him. Anyway, to ahah2322, I actually applaud you for having enough sense to know that you want to wait to have sex..careless teenagers are the reason for all the teen pregnancies in this country. It sounds like you are your bf are willing to work things out whcih is great..sounds pretty mature to me. If the old issues come up again make sure to keep those lines of communication open. If you feel as though your relationship is headed downhill again, sit down in person and lay everything out on teh table. Talk about every negative tihng that is going on, every flaw or fault each of you have. I think the biggest problem with relationships is not being able accept the negative aspects of people..whcih is probably why the divorce rate is so high. You are still so young, so the fact that you guys are able to sort things out is great. Good luck!!!
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