Very upset with 16-year relationship coming to close

[Nessa]

I have been very close friends with this woman and her husband for over 16 years. I went to high school with their children, but always had more in common with them, and they became like surrogate parents to me, and we even discussed this aspect of our relationship as being unique and that we were really "family" together. Mary especially connected to this family aspect.

 

Over the years we have talked together for hours on end, and I have slept over at their place, they visited me when I lived in London. They even read and encouraged me to write this word-for-word a kind of journal log about my life that spanned many years.

Their children never really understood our connection, as neither did my mother who was a bit jealous of our relationship, but we were really kindered spirits.

About two years ago she decided that she was going to have to put a boundary in with all her personal relationships because she had to move onto a new "space" for her learning and growth. I saw less of them, but continued to talk over the phone.

 

Even after she supposedly put the "boundary" in officially last summer, I would sometimes call her about once every two months, and she would never say not to call. In fact, she would continue to talk even longer than I would anticipate, and it seemed that she was always pleased to hear from me.

 

I used to be able to go over to their house any time without calling, but since the "boundary" was put in I hadn't. However, one afternoon last month I was in their neighborhood, and had to kill about an hour, so I decided to knock on their door to say hello. (I had spoken to Mary a few days previously over the phone and nothing seemed "odd")

Her husband came to the door and I noticed an unpleasant look on his face. I told him I was just in the area and just wanted to say hello. Mary came to the door and said, "This is not going to happen. No, this is NOT going to happen. We give you an inch and you take a mile."

I apologized and told them that I was glad they were finally being direct like this to me because this was what I had really needed to hear from them.

She told me not to call anymore, and then her husband added that I had called on his birthday (as though I wasn't supposed to).

Anyhow, I didn't call her anymore, but I wrote her some emails asking her if she didn't want me to write emails either. She didn't respond for a while, but this is how she responded:

 

Dear Nessa,

What part of this do you not understand?

I simply cannot continue with personal relationships.

They are not designed to work indefinately.

Changes enter and upset applecarts and what suits at one time cannot possibly suite forever without serious upsets. This is part of the pathway of evolution. Growth requires different environments in order to learn different lessons. The laws that govern one envirnoment do not govern all environements.

 

I am not upset with you, nor have you done anything to make me upset. I simply cannot continue in personal relationships with people. Growth requires more parts and our frameworks cannot hold more parts.....

Therefore, something has to give.

 

Most relationships thrive on power dynanmics and always end in destruction. Yet power dynamics are essential to life on the planet and are the method by which we learn. When we have learned certain things, we move on, to learn other things. There is life beyond power, but it operates under different conditions. I cannot serve power and awareness both. They operate in different environments. Therefore I must leave the one in order to move into a different phase. My time has come.

 

I thought that you understood this- emails are still a way to keep me tied. I have spoken with this about you and have let it go on-- neither way seems to get my message across. Hopefully you will respect my request to put in a boundary.

 

All the best in your future endeavours.

 

Mary

 

 

I wrote her back a very short email that went like this:

 

Mary,

One thing I don't understand: If you cannot continue with personal relationships than why are you still involved with your family (husband James and children) I always thought that we were "family".....

 

Love always,

Nessa

 

 

I am taking this in a very bad and hurtful way because I feel that Mary is not telling me the real truth and that she is still involved with other people (friendships). Do you think that this is just a phase for her, and we will come back in a few years? How should I respond to this?

[Tony T]

Mary's last email to you was very profound, even though worded a bit on the rough side. She was trying to give you a message.

 

Your biggest mistake was stopping by their house unannounced after you were asked not to. That showed extreme disrespect and lack of consideration for their wishes and it showed you could no longer be any kind of friend to them at all.

 

Friendships are bilateral. They have to be two way. If one end wants to set boundaries or cease a friendship, it is OVER. Yes, it's very hurtful. In your case, you made friends with older people who were moving in their own direction in life and their paths eventually fell far out of sync with yours. Your attachment to them was not a healthy one.

 

They have chosen to move in a different direction. The biggest thing Mary did as a friend was end the friendship. She had learned her lessons and in her leaving, she was teaching you some important lessons which you seem to be resisting. Once you are over your hurt, you will understand more clearly.

 

Celebrate the time you had with them but understand, just like Mary wrote to you, that relationships have a time and a season. Some last a long time...some a very short time. Business relationships last only for the length that each party is getting good business benefit out of them. Personal friendships and relationships last only for as long as both parties are mutually getting something from them. I sense that you were getting much much more out of this and perhaps came ultimately to be a psychic drain on them rather than part of a mutually nurturing situation.

 

Now, learn to respect other people. Try to sense the direction relationships are going and take proper action without forcing others to make hurtful pronouncements about boundaries and such. When a friendship seems to be going sour, pull back.

 

Try to find out what happened in your childhood that makes it difficult to handle abandonment and rejection and help yourself to heal that.

 

New doors will open to you...if you will just shut the ones behind you, lock them, nail them shut and don't look back.

 

I would like to share a link with you, a passage from Kahlil Gibrah's "The Prophet" where he speaks about Friendship. It may give you some perspectives on the subject. Click here--------> http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran19.html Perhaps it will teach you who is a friend, who is not, and who has transformed from a friend to an acquaintance....to obscurity.

[Nessa]

Thanks for your input Tony. I know I should move ahead, but I keep remembering good times we had and it makes me miss them so much.

Do you think that if I move ahead and close those doors that it might me possible in the future that our paths will cross again? Do you think it could happen? I just want to know if this will be a permanent thing forever, or if maybe in ten years when I will have changed and so will they, that a new door might open up. Maybe I won't want to go back, but I'm just curious to know if these things are possible.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK:

 

1. "Do you think that if I move ahead and close those doors that it might me possible in the future that our paths will cross again?"

 

Abolutely. But it's not likely to happen if you show up again unannounced at their place or contact them as you have been asked not to. Yes, positively, if you back off and go about your life there could be a reunion in the future when they move on to yet a different place...that may be more compatible were you are at the time.

 

2. "Do you think it could happen?"

 

Yes, I think I already said that. Now just forget them and respect that they don't want a frienship at this time. Let it go. As a human being you must learn to do this. They were sent into your life to teach you this lesson. Either learn it now or experience pain repeatedly until you do.

[Just A Girl2]

Maybe I'm missing something, but I can't help but feel it hurtful and drastic to tell someone who's been in your life/part of your family for 16 yrs to basically buzz off. Nor can I understand someone stating that they have to end all their personal relationships in order to grow. That's just really bizarre to me. It sounds like such an extreme.

 

Perhaps, though, Mary and James felt you, Nessa, were growing too reliant on them or something?

 

I am sorry for your hurt. 16 yrs is a long time. But I would definitely be sure to respect Mary and James' wishes. Hopefully you will find good people in your life again who will not be the type to push you out for their own purposes.

 

JAG