loveinlife Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I've never had to deal with anyone who had a family member pass away. This is my ex, who have been trying to get back with me prior to all this happening. Right now she is feeling sad, angry, and denying that her father is gone. I care about her and want to make sure she is okay. What can i do?
Green Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Probably tell her that you care about her and that if she wants to talk about it you'd be glad to listen. Other then that I wouldnt bring it up to much and Id just act normal
Ronni_W Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 (edited) This is my ex, who have been trying to get back with me prior to all this happening. Right now she is feeling sad, angry, and denying that her father is gone. I care about her and want to make sure she is okay. What can i do? I'm assuming that you have already expressed your sympathies on her loss? After that, usually the very best thing is to ask the grieving person what they need -- and listen to them. The challenge here is if you are not interested in getting back with her -- do not make yourself too available because it's all just going to be a mish-mash in her head, and she honestly won't know where one thing ends and the other begins. If she does get 'hooked' on you, it's a whole new level of grief and mourning to deal with when you start to withdraw in a month or three. When she has accepted it a bit (maybe after the memorial service), you could present a book or website or link to a grief support forum. Take your time to select something that, to the best of your knowledge, will "speak" to her in a meaningful way. Edited January 7, 2008 by Ronni_W grammar
Author loveinlife Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Probably tell her that you care about her and that if she wants to talk about it you'd be glad to listen. Other then that I wouldnt bring it up to much and Id just act normal Thanks, going to see her tonight and will not bring it up until she wants to talk about it. I'm assuming that you have already expressed your sympathies on her loss? After that, usually the very best thing is to ask the grieving person what they need -- and listen to them. The challenge here is if you are not interested in getting back with her -- do not make yourself too available because it's all just going to be a mish-mash in her head, and she honestly won't know where one thing ends and the other begins. If she does get 'hooked' on you, it's a whole new level of grief and mourning to deal with when you start to withdraw in a month or three. When she has accepted it a bit (maybe after the memorial service), you could present a book or website or link to a grief support forum. Take your time to select something that, to the best of your knowledge, will "speak" to her in a meaningful way. thanks Ronnie, i will try my best. good advices.
s_n_d Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I agree with Ronni. Just be there for her but dont make yourself TOO available if you dont want to get back together with her in the future. Coping with the loss of a loved one is an unbearable pain. Do whatever you can to make her smile.
Lee725 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 The challenge here is if you are not interested in getting back with her -- do not make yourself too available because it's all just going to be a mish-mash in her head, and she honestly won't know where one thing ends and the other begins. If she does get 'hooked' on you, it's a whole new level of grief and mourning to deal with when you start to withdraw in a month or three. Very True. Ronni Given that my father is very ill and my EX's up till now have had trouble coping with my emotions in respect to him (given he is thankfully still with us) you will have to be very careful how you deal with this. Personally if it was me, on the other side, it would cause me more pain if an ex tried to console me about it without the intent of long term support in the form of a relationship. (i hope that makes sense, it is hard to put into words what i am trying to say - Ronni's post probably covers it). Personally even if i reached out to them in grief or a need for support, deep inside i would want them to stay away even tho i am sure that they would have the desire to console me as best they could. i can only say this based on my current emotions in regards to my current situation. If it happened and they did stay away i would probably call them names (damned if they do, damned if they dont). As hard as it will be and it may even come across as heartless, if you do console her and offer her support she needs to know up front your thoughts on reconcilliation. I know it seems harsh to say these things to her especially when it may be the furthest thing from her mind. She may choose not to have support from you if she knows you are not doing it to be back together. Dont let her think anything else (unless you want her to think you are getting back together) especially at a time when she is so vunerable.
Author loveinlife Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 I asked her out to dinner tonight, but she wanted to go to a casino and gamble then go drink at a karaoke.. i said yes and wanted to be supportive. But in a way didn't want her to beat herself up by what happened. would drinking be good? i know its going to get really emotional later.
HokeyReligions Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Go to a website www . beyondindigo . com. There is all sorts of information and steps you can take to understand and to help her. There are articles designed for people who want to help others, but don't know how. I've experienced loss and helped others thru their grief just by sitting quietly nearby. It is a very good website. There are other similar grief support sites, but this one has a lot of information that is brief, easy to understand, and like I mentioned - there are even some step-by-step guidelines.
Lee725 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 would drinking be good? i know its going to get really emotional later. No it wont be, tho i dont think anyone will be able to stop her. It is perhaps better that you dont tho because you may in fact say things that you will regret later. Alcohol + Emotions (can) = complete disasterous mess for all involved.
Ronni_W Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Personally even if i reached out to them in grief or a need for support, deep inside i would want them to stay away... and they did stay away i would probably call them names Loveinlife -- I wanted to reiterate the point Lee made -- do you see how crazy and conflicting that is? But it's exactly what the brain does...anything that helps the mourner feel better makes absolute and perfect sense to her/him. Don't take anything you may face personally or as if it is reflective of who your ex really is. It is just a CRAZY time for her. I haven't yet been to the site HR suggested, but it sounds like an excellent referral from someone who's "been there". Booze is, of course, NOT a good way to cope in the long-term. But it does offer immediate, albeit temporary relief. As Lee says, stay completely sober and just do the best you can with all the different emotions that come up for her. OTOH, if/when it gets too much for you, offer to help her find a grief counselor. (Know your own limits and practice self-care, also.) HR -- thanks for posting the link. I'm sure that I'll make great use of it. Lee -- I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I wish you strength, and him comfort. God bless us, one and all.
blind_otter Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Personally if it was me, on the other side, it would cause me more pain if an ex tried to console me about it without the intent of long term support in the form of a relationship. (i hope that makes sense, it is hard to put into words what i am trying to say - Ronni's post probably covers it). I have to agree with this. My Dad passed away in 2006. My exH emailed me to offer his condolensces and I totally did not want them. I told him to send flowers to the funeral home if he wanted to. I leaned heavily on my SO, though, and he was a great support to me in those times of grief.
Recommended Posts