He has fallen

[embra]

I was in a relationship with a MM. It wasn't very long, and we ended it last week. I found out that he lied to me, which I guess I should have expected it.

 

A few days later, he IMed me, asking if I was still mad. We talked for awhile and he explained that he thinks he's falling in love with me - I'm giving him the emotional needs he desires. And for that, we need to walk away. I said "That's fine." we decided to be friends, and I will not be around him anytime soon.

 

He said it was just too complicated - he's falling in love, and cannot afford, financially, to get a divorced.

 

I always thought it was the other way around, that the OW always falls and gets smashed?

[OWoman]

I always thought it was the other way around, that the OW always falls and gets smashed?

 

Dream on, sweetie! In my experience it's usually the men. At least he's being honest and not trying to hide behind bravado. But - I don't think the "being friends" thing is going to work, if he really has fallen in love. He'll just yearn for what he can't have, and always be on the edge of falling back into the A.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

A few days later, he IMed me, asking if I was still mad. We talked for awhile and he explained that he thinks he's falling in love with me - I'm giving him the emotional needs he desires.

It kind of sounds to me that he's doing one of two things here - it's either damage control because he knows you're ticked off at him which scares him because you could tell his wife, or he's using that line to gain sympathy with you to either keep you on the fishing hook or stop the affair without you being angry. What woman doesn't want to hear how someone's falling in love with her? And how noble and selfless he appears by admitting to you that it's his deep feelings of love for you that have caused him to have to back off.

 

It's the perfect excuse. How can you be mad at the guy when he's in love with you? How could you possibly tell his wife on him when you know his little heart is breaking?

 

It's genius, actually.

[frannie]

I was in a relationship with a MM. It wasn't very long, and we ended it last week. I found out that he lied to me, which I guess I should have expected it.

 

A few days later, he IMed me, asking if I was still mad. We talked for awhile and he explained that he thinks he's falling in love with me - I'm giving him the emotional needs he desires. And for that, we need to walk away. I said "That's fine." we decided to be friends, and I will not be around him anytime soon.

 

He said it was just too complicated - he's falling in love, and cannot afford, financially, to get a divorced.

 

I always thought it was the other way around, that the OW always falls and gets smashed?

 

Hello there. No it's not always the OW who falls in love. Your MM being in love with you is nothing new, don't believe that it is or that this makes your affair different from anyone else's. There are plenty of deep love feelings from both parties in these relationships (whatever may be claimed by those who have never been in one).

 

So on to what's going on here.

 

He lied to you. What about (if it's not too much information)? No, once again, you don't have to expect that a MM will lie to you. There's no reason to expect less than a normal amount of honesty from an affair partner. It's his W he has to lie to in order to have an affair. That's not to say he won't be lying to you, just that there's no reason to expect he will.

 

So, he lied to you and let you down. And you, understandably got angry with him and ended it. Which is great ~ good for you.

 

Now he comes back and says he's falling in love with you. This might be true, or he may be laying it on a bit thick as a 'reason' for his misbehaviour and a carrot to drag you back into the relationship. But this is what is confusing... he said he didn't want to be involved with you? Wanted to be 'friends'?

 

So why did he call to ask if you were still angry with him? Was it so he could have a conversation to end it? In which case I'm a little suspicious of his telling you his feelings. However, I wasn't party to the conversation and perhaps it was clearer to you?

 

My MM said something similar when we'd known each other about 3 months and before we actually met up (we met online). He said that he realised that if we met we'd start to fall in love, since he'd already had some pretty serious feelings. And that while he didn't want to work on his marriage, he didn't feel he could leave because of the children. So he broke things off with me there and then.

 

So, it could be that your MM is doing something similar...

 

... but I'm still wondering about the lie, and what 'being friends' entails. Because MM and I were 'friends' for a while after he broke things off... and we ended up in a full-blown affair.

 

Oh and going on for four years later he's still married, still in love with me, and still can't leave because of the children. So don't think that love necessarily has anything to do with them moving out... the reasons they stay remain the same.

Edited January 7, 2008 by frannie
adding

[overandout]

Hello there. No it's not always the OW who falls in love. Your MM being in love with you is nothing new, don't believe that it is or that this makes your affair different from anyone else's. There are plenty of deep love feelings from both parties in these relationships (whatever may be claimed by those who have never been in one).

 

So on to what's going on here.

 

He lied to you. What about (if it's not too much information)? No, once again, you don't have to expect that a MM will lie to you. There's no reason to expect less than a normal amount of honesty from an affair partner. It's his W he has to lie to in order to have an affair. That's not to say he won't be lying to you, just that there's no reason to expect he will.

 

So, he lied to you and let you down. And you, understandably got angry with him and ended it. Which is great ~ good for you.

 

Now he comes back and says he's falling in love with you. This might be true, or he may be laying it on a bit thick as a 'reason' for his misbehaviour and a carrot to drag you back into the relationship. But this is what is confusing... he said he didn't want to be involved with you? Wanted to be 'friends'?

 

So why did he call to ask if you were still angry with him? Was it so he could have a conversation to end it? In which case I'm a little suspicious of his telling you his feelings. However, I wasn't party to the conversation and perhaps it was clearer to you?

 

My MM said something similar when we'd known each other about 3 months and before we actually met up (we met online). He said that he realised that if we met we'd start to fall in love, since he'd already had some pretty serious feelings. And that while he didn't want to work on his marriage, he didn't feel he could leave because of the children. So he broke things off with me there and then.

 

So, it could be that your MM is doing something similar...

 

... but I'm still wondering about the lie, and what 'being friends' entails. Because MM and I were 'friends' for a while after he broke things off... and we ended up in a full-blown affair.

 

Oh and going on for four years later he's still married, still in love with me, and still can't leave because of the children. So don't think that love necessarily has anything to do with them moving out... the reasons they stay remain the same.

 

So love has nothing to do with it then-why some men leave and some men don't.

Funny how it is the OW whose mm don't leave who usually try and convince themselves that their mm are "stil in love with them" (and not the wife) and are staying for the children.

I admit I had a cake eater--why can't you.

I admit that my xmm still has feelings for his wife.

 

Admitting unpalatable facts helps you to move on you know:o

 

Back to the thread.

Your mm sounds like he will play mind games with you and believe me that is no joke. My xmm used to be unreliable and unpredictable and I was aways making excuses for him, until I no longer wanted to. Mixed messages are extremely hard to deal with it because it leads you to look for underlying motives and consumes all your energy. It is not a healthy place to be. I hope you move on from him.

[GreenEyedLady]

I was in a relationship with a MM. It wasn't very long, and we ended it last week. I found out that he lied to me, which I guess I should have expected it.

 

A few days later, he IMed me, asking if I was still mad. We talked for awhile and he explained that he thinks he's falling in love with me - I'm giving him the emotional needs he desires. And for that, we need to walk away. I said "That's fine." we decided to be friends, and I will not be around him anytime soon.

 

He said it was just too complicated - he's falling in love, and cannot afford, financially, to get a divorced.

 

I always thought it was the other way around, that the OW always falls and gets smashed?

 

It seems like he was testing the waters to see if you'd come back and since you were not open to it, he wanted to end it on his terms...

[embra]

Hi frannie - He actually lied about something small. He told me he was at home and just walked in. We were talking and it got on the subject of...sex. He said "what would you say if I told you I was in town?" I said "MY town?" he said "Yea, I decided to stay tonight." (he has business here, he actually lives about 2 hrs away). I said "You told me you were home." he said "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry."

 

That was pretty much the blow up. It sounds small, when reading. But, it was a big thing to me. I saw it as "oh, you were home, but NOW you're in town because we're talking about sex.." yeeeeahhh..

 

"being friends" entails - talking online. That's it.

[embra]

Hi overandout - True, it could be mind-games. He seemed like a 'genuine-trapped' guy. Which, they all do. He loves kids, I have no doubt about that. He remains in his unhappy marriage for them because HE is a child of divorce. Still doesn't excuse it, I know. But I tried to empathize. I'm kinda sad, I did like us together. But breaking away is the right thing in the long run.

[OWoman]

[/b]

 

So love has nothing to do with it then-why some men leave and some men don't.

Funny how it is the OW whose mm don't leave who usually try and convince themselves that their mm are "stil in love with them" (and not the wife) and are staying for the children.

I admit I had a cake eater--why can't you.

I admit that my xmm still has feelings for his wife.

 

Admitting unpalatable facts helps you to move on you know:o

 

On this - my MM left his W. I've seen - am seeing - what it takes, and it's not a pretty sight. I can easily see why MM stay, or return, whether or not they love the OW.

 

OP your MM may be playing headgames. Or he may have meant it. Either way, he's said he can't afford divorce, and will be staying with his W. Your ending it was the end, then.

[TotalChaos]

It kind of sounds to me that he's doing one of two things here - it's either damage control because he knows you're ticked off at him which scares him because you could tell his wife, or he's using that line to gain sympathy with you to either keep you on the fishing hook or stop the affair without you being angry. What woman doesn't want to hear how someone's falling in love with her? And how noble and selfless he appears by admitting to you that it's his deep feelings of love for you that have caused him to have to back off.

 

It's the perfect excuse. How can you be mad at the guy when he's in love with you? How could you possibly tell his wife on him when you know his little heart is breaking?

 

It's genius, actually.

 

Yeah it's genius alright and sickening, but I believe you could very well be right about this! MEN!!!

[SeraBella]

I don't think that lie is small AT ALL.

 

He told you he was at home when in fact he was in town? Why would he lie about that? If he was in love with you, he'd want to spend time with you and would have told you he was there. He would have told you as soon as he knew he'd be there and be free to see you.

 

If you remain friends, even if just talking online, you'll start talking about sex again, and you'll end up hooking up again when the opportunity comes around.

[frannie]

Hi frannie - He actually lied about something small. He told me he was at home and just walked in. We were talking and it got on the subject of...sex. He said "what would you say if I told you I was in town?" I said "MY town?" he said "Yea, I decided to stay tonight." (he has business here, he actually lives about 2 hrs away). I said "You told me you were home." he said "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry."

 

That was pretty much the blow up. It sounds small, when reading. But, it was a big thing to me. I saw it as "oh, you were home, but NOW you're in town because we're talking about sex.." yeeeeahhh..

 

"being friends" entails - talking online. That's it.

 

That's a nasty lie, and as you say, it shows what he really wants... he lied about where he was, til he thought he could get some sex from you.

 

In that light, I would say him ringing you after you ended it to ask if you'd cooled off is about the same thing. He sounds like he threw in the 'I love you' in the hope that that would change everything and he could get what he wants. Sorry that sounds disparaging of him, but it's how he comes across.

 

I don't think this man has anything to offer you, and you're right to end things with him. Personally, I wouldn't bother staying in touch online either, because all he will do is keep pestering you and trying different lines in the hope of one day you feeling down perhaps and giving in to him.

 

JMHO.

[Frances]

[quote=embra;

 

"being friends" entails - talking online. That's it.

 

 

 

This may seem okay but it's not. It means a part of your life is put on hold and that is not a good thing. You may think you are not putting your life on hold by just emails but a part of you will be.

 

My h did the same thing to his ow (their EA was conducted mostly online as she is in the usa and we live in europe. In a way he used us both. Me for the sex and her for the ego boost. I did not find out about it until 18 months ago, it had been going on for 11 years.

So he was a cake eater. Her having this relationship put her life on hold in a big way and took away from our marriage even though they never had sex and had only met up on a few occassions.

 

People can be so selfish and ruin others lives by just wanting their ego stroked. Look after yourself and let someone else come into your life who can make you number 1.

[Frances]

It kind of sounds to me that he's doing one of two things here - it's either damage control because he knows you're ticked off at him which scares him because you could tell his wife, or he's using that line to gain sympathy with you to either keep you on the fishing hook or stop the affair without you being angry. What woman doesn't want to hear how someone's falling in love with her? And how noble and selfless he appears by admitting to you that it's his deep feelings of love for you that have caused him to have to back off.

 

It's the perfect excuse. How can you be mad at the guy when he's in love with you? How could you possibly tell his wife on him when you know his little heart is breaking?

 

It's genius, actually.

 

 

I think you have him down to a tee. sounds just like my h to his ow

[cj1988]

He is playing you to see if he can keep you on the hook and waiting. He is no more in love with you than he is his W. He loves himself and that is it !