I can't get rid of this uneasiness...

[Cobra_X30]

I'm a bit confused by this. Could you elaborate? What "results" would he fear? And why wouldn't he feel safe around me?

 

At this point in his life I think he's motivated by the need to self actualize. He's kind of behind in his goals and where he'd like to be in his life, and he's trying to catch up. I think he's fighting the fear that he won't be successful or make it in the world since neither of his parents were. He has a lot of bad, self defeating habits that he's trying to overcome. I don't think he has much confidence in himself.

 

At the start of a relationship both poeple start by focusing on what they have in common. This builds an emotional bond. You as a female love the commonality... you want to think and feel the same way as your BF... about everything. Same values, same goals, same dreams... ect.

 

As the relationship moves on the commonalities become familiar and you begin to more often notice the differences. These differences should irk you.

 

Now... as a smart guy... he should know this process instinctively and fear it. Acceptance can set him free.

 

Does that make more sense?

[shadowplay]

I don't know what to do with this stress because I can never tell if my concerns/needs are legit or not. I think in this case they are, but I don't want to start drama by bringing more stuff up. God knows I've done that enough. I wish there was some way of changing his behavior by changing mine. I'm a firm believer in actions over words. The last thing I want to be is a nag. Half the time I'm with him I'm bristling internally about something he's done, so I have to force myself to disguise my emotion and act cheery. It's so exhausting. I f-$king hate it.

 

I still don't buy that he was never notified of my missed call or voicemail last night. Has that ever happened to anyone? I could see somehow the cell phone bugging up once, but TWICE in the space of an hour? It makes no sense. Of course I can't let on to my suspicions, because that will only piss him off...which makes it even worse.

 

I tried going out with a friend last night and I was still miserable because the whole time I was wondering if he was going to return my call and why he hadn't already.

 

There are so many stressful things in my life at the moment and this is the last thing I need right now. But at the same time I'm scared to death of losing him. Why? Because I do love him (I think). He's the best guy I've ever been with despite the fact that he doesn't meet a lot of my needs. Somehow I don't believe another guy like him will come along.

 

But the main thing is I'm really scared of being alone. I'm pretty isolated socially and he's added a lot to my life in that department. I hate to crawl back into my shell. He gets me out of the house. I rarely go out on my own because I don't have many people to go with except this one friend who is about to move.

 

I'm also scared of the fall out of a break up. I can see it now. I would break things off. Then I would start to obsess if he didn't seem to care. It would hurt me immensely if I broke things off and he indicated the feeling was mutual or it wasn't a big loss to him. That would be a huge blow to my self esteem. This happened to me once before, and I made the mistake of getting back together with the guy just to convince him that I was worthy. I can see myself getting back together with him for this reason and breaking things off over and over.

 

I'm also scared of the emptiness. I'll feel so empty without him in my life. I don't want to go back to that.

 

Aside from this relationship, things in my life are improving and I'm worried if I break things off it will send me back into a rut.

Edited January 11, 2008 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

Or he'll go through a spell of contacting me a ton and showering me in attention. Like last week he randomly brought me flowers (something he's never done before), showered me in compliments, and kept saying how much he missed me when we talked online. Now it's like I don't even exist or I'm not even a part of his life.

 

We have tentative plans to do something tonight, but I have a feeling I won't hear from him until 7 or 8...which really pisses me the hell off. Especially since he KNOWS I get annoyed when he calls me at the last minute and I prefer to make plans in the afternoon.

 

My guy does both of those things. Heavy attention, then very little. Sometimes planning in advance, other times acting like last-minute is no big thing. He's a blowtorch. It drives me crazy, but knowing his pattern has helped me maintain my sanity the best I can.

 

I'm also scared of the emptiness. I'll feel so empty without him in my life. I don't want to go back to that.

 

Aside from this relationship, things in my life are improving and I'm worried if I break things off it will send me back into a rut.

 

Why aren't you whole without him in your life? He can't be your be-all-end-all, Shadow. That's not healthy...at all.

 

Part of me thinks that if you ended the one thing that's not improving - your relationship - everything else that IS improving would skyrocket in a positive way...as though you let go of a weight that was tying your self-esteem to the ground. Again, easier said than done.

[shadowplay]

 

Part of me thinks that if you ended the one thing that's not improving - your relationship - everything else that IS improving would skyrocket in a positive way...as though you let go of a weight that was tying your self-esteem to the ground. Again, easier said than done.

 

I wish it were that simple, but I don't think it is. See, I owe a lot of my recent strides to my relationship with him. Just being with him has given me the motivation to get my act together for some reason. Also, as I said he's gotten me out of my room and that has helped improve my self esteem.

The attention he gives me, while inadequate in many ways, does make me feel better about myself.

 

When you have a companion (even a half-hearted one) it's a lot less scary to tackle things on your own. I'm afraid that without him I'd lose that confidence. I'm worried the structure I'm just starting to build in my life would fall apart if I ended things with him. At the same time, being with him damages my self esteem in other respects. I'm constantly questioning myself and trying to change myself for him to get the desired result. I feel like I'm compromising myself in a way by not standing up for my needs. Also, he causes me constant anxiety, but sometimes I wonder if I just use him as a distraction from my larger problems which are even harder to face.

Edited January 11, 2008 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Just called...last minute as usual. I think it's funny how whenever he does something like this my tone of voice will be purposely really cold when I answer the phone, yet he doesn't seem to notice at all. He's carefree and nonchalent as ever. Or is he just choosing to ignore it? I'm so not looking forward to seeing him tonight. I don't know how to act around him when I'm annoyed.

Edited January 11, 2008 by shadowplay

[Polly31]

Jesus, it would be the same thing with my ex. I find it impossible to be fake, so my displeasure would show in my voice. And he would do the same thing as described--just steamroll over it like he was sunshine in underpants. It was infuriating, and made me wonder exactly who I was dealing with. In my ex's case, it was a form of manipulation. He was like a shark. Once he smelled insecurity, he was constantly putting me to the test and then telling me I was damaged for reacting. He was a misogynist at the ground level, a day-to-day Jack the Ripper who cuts out hearts because he's already lost his.

 

And guess who I just received an email from? Misspellings and all... I hate that I can't just be honest and say, "Don't ever contact me again. You're a f*cking idiot" because I'd have too much vindication to face. He'd probably get me fired from my job or start dating my mother. Seriously, that's what this guy is like. So, for the sake of survival, I have to spend an unnatural amount of time coming up with strategic ways to hold him at bay. It's so absurd. This is the worst case scenario of dealing with an emotional f*cktard.

[Polly31]

Racquel,

What is the point of any of these threads? Shadowplay is dealing with a challenging situation and is seeking the advice and experience of others. Like myself, the people responding care and would like to help shed light on this matter. Have some freaking empathy.

[Kamille]

Shadow - do you really think you would lose him if you were yourself more? Wouldn't letting yourself go around him a bit more help you acheive that sense of intimacy you crave?

 

Also, what is stopping you from seeking other activities that would help you get out of your room?

 

Also also, it sounds like this guy has brought a lot of positive things in your life. I think that's wonderful and definitely something to cherish. Have you ever told him?

[shadowplay]

Shadow - do you really think you would lose him if you were yourself more? Wouldn't letting yourself go around him a bit more help you acheive that sense of intimacy you crave?

 

Also, what is stopping you from seeking other activities that would help you get out of your room?

 

Also also, it sounds like this guy has brought a lot of positive things in your life. I think that's wonderful and definitely something to cherish. Have you ever told him?

 

Good points, Kamille. I feel like I am slowly becoming myself around him. I just got back from a weekend with him and already I feel a bit closer. Usually what happens is I'll be uncomfortable around him when we first get together after an absence of a few days. Then as the night wears on I'll loosen up. This especially happens when I'm with him for more than one night in a row.

[shadowplay]

Why is it that everything is usually fine in person, but he acts weird when we're not together about keeping in touch? That's always when I get insecure. He wasn't distant this time around. He was actually quite affectionate.

 

We even had an interesting discussion I never thought we'd have in a million years.

 

Here's how it went:

We were lying in bed and I randomly asked him what he was thinking. He refused to answer. I asked, "is it something about us?" He said it was. "Something bad?" I asked. Him: "no." He refused to tell me what it was so naturally I got really curious. I playfully begged him to tell me, and he kept laughing and refusing. Finally he broke down and said he was just wondering to himself if we would be married in like five years. An extended silence. I wasn't sure what to say. I may want to marry him eventually, but I didn't want to be like "yipee" because I don't know how he feels. Then he asked me "would you like that?" And I said, "I think so. What about you?" He said, "I would too, but it's also kind of scary because it's like the unknown." I said, "We're too young right now, but maybe someday." That was the end of that.

 

Today he reminded me that our fifth month anniversary is approaching. It feels like we've been together forever -- I can't believe it's only been a few months.

 

I don't know guys. After starting this thread and talking to some of you I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually in love with him. I care about him a lot -- I know this for certain. I feel great affection for him, I love making him happy and seeing him happy. He brings pleasure to my life. But there's an element missing and it's beginning to worry me.

 

Remember a couple of months ago I started a thread about this friend of his whom I liked? Well, I've seen that guy a bunch of times since and we hung out with him again last night. I'm really starting to crush on this guy... hard. I feel terrible about it and I don't know what it means. Or if it means anything. Maybe I should just ignore it. Though I don't have the attachment to this guy that I do to my boyfriend, there's a much more intense feeling there that I never felt toward my bf. I think I might be falling in love with him. He has the kind of depth that my boyfriend lacks. He's also rather self destructive in some ways, but that almost makes me like him more because I long to help him. What am I supposed to do? I swear to God every time I see this dude my feelings for him double. I'm really scared about the emotion that's developing. Is this normal? What feels different qualitatively about my feelings for this guy is this sense that we're somehow meant to be together. Kindred spirits or what have you. I've never felt this way toward my boyfriend. Our union has always seemed more like a happy accident.

 

I know I'm going to get chastised for this, but I can't control the way I feel (wish I could). I want this guy so, so badly. I feel like a bitch for not being able to appreciate the love that my bf gives me, because he does give me a lot...and I know there are plenty of women who would give their right arm for a guy as sweet as he is. I can stay with my boyfriend in a fairly happy, but not entirely satisfying relationship. Or I can break up with him because something is missing and be alone. In all likelihood I would not end up with his friend because that would completely devestate my boyfriend. Now I'm starting to sound like that girl who wrote the boyfriend swap thread. I don't know what's wrong with me...

 

Is it a good idea to stay in a relationship with someone who you really, really, really like and care about but don't quite love (love in the sense of being "in love")? In other words, someone you love but you're not quite in love with? Usually when people say that they mean they care about the person but have no romantic feelings for them. It's different in my case because I care about my boyfriend a lot and I do have romantic feelings for him. Those romantic feelings are strong, but they're just not strong enough to be what I would consider love. Maybe this is good enough....I just don't know. I'm scared that I'll always wonder "what if?"

 

Is it so wrong to want something more?

Edited January 13, 2008 by shadowplay

[johan]

Shadow, this isn't what you want to hear, but you remind me why it is that I'm single. Because it seems like these little subversive things always come in and ruin things.

 

I don't have any decent advice for you. I don't know whether it would be right for you to stay with your boyfriend or not. I don't know whether this other guy is right for you. I don't know whether now is the time for you to decide.

 

The only thing I can say is that you express a lot of different feelings about your boyfriend. Every post is something new. Sometimes you love him to death, and sometimes you love someone else.

 

You could make a decision about it and be more consistent within yourself. If you love your boyfriend, then decide not to allow any doubts to mess with that. Stop letting your thoughts go so far off track. You could decide to do that, and it might be easy for you to do.

 

After this is all settled, you'll most likely look back and feel that your doubts were justified and the relationship lasted longer than it should have. The tragedy might be in the fact that some of the doubts you have will be your own invention. You remind me a lot of my ex.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Remember a couple of months ago I started a thread about this friend of his whom I liked? Well, I've seen that guy a bunch of times since and we hung out with him again last night. I'm really starting to crush on this guy... hard. I feel terrible about it and I don't know what it means. Or if it means anything. Maybe I should just ignore it. Though I don't have the attachment to this guy that I do to my boyfriend, there's a much more intense feeling there that I never felt toward my bf. I think I might be falling in love with him. He has the kind of depth that my boyfriend lacks. He's also rather self destructive in some ways, but that almost makes me like him more because I long to help him. What am I supposed to do? I swear to God every time I see this dude my feelings for him double. I'm really scared about the emotion that's developing. Is this normal? What feels different qualitatively about my feelings for this guy is this sense that we're somehow meant to be together. Kindred spirits or what have you. I've never felt this way toward my boyfriend. Our union has always seemed more like a happy accident.

 

I know I'm going to get chastised for this, but I can't control the way I feel (wish I could). I want this guy so, so badly. I feel like a bitch for not being able to appreciate the love that my bf gives me, because he does give me a lot...and I know there are plenty of women who would give their right arm for a guy as sweet as he is. I can stay with my boyfriend in a fairly happy, but not entirely satisfying relationship. Or I can break up with him because something is missing and be alone. In all likelihood I would not end up with his friend because that would completely devestate my boyfriend. Now I'm starting to sound like that girl who wrote the boyfriend swap thread. I don't know what's wrong with me...

 

WTF WTF I mean really.... One thread you are saying how your life would fall apart if bf left you because you love your bf so much, now you are not "in love" with him. You are complaining you don't feel a deep connection with the bf, yet you are playing games and not being yourself (d'oh). Just get some help, seriously (and being screwed up myself it's not something I say often).

[Kamille]

All I can think is SLOW DOWN! Do you really need to be a 100% sure you want to spend the rest of your life with your bf after only 5 months of seeing him? (And why did I think you two had been together for longer then 5 months?) You don't need to have all the answers right now - he doesn't need to have all the answers right now either.

 

You certainly don't need to KNOW whether or not you see yourself married to him 5 years hence. I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself and the relationship.

 

As to the other guy... Well, take it from me, it sounds like a manifestation of good old commitment-phobia. Again, because you are putting too much pressure on yourself, your boyfriend and the relationship.

 

Why not just take it one day at a time for awhile? Do things that you two used to do at the beginning that you perhaps no longer do?

[shadowplay]

Johan and BEG: I know how crazy I probably sound in my inconsistency, and I definitely do have a screw or two loose. But my feelings actually aren't as inconsistent as they sound. Let me explain. I've never questioned the fact that I care a lot about my boyfriend. I've also never questioned the fact that I've never felt that really deep connection to him on an intellectual/emotional level. It's more how I define those feelings that changes.

 

To simplify things let's say most loving relationships consistent of two important factors. The love aspect, and the in love aspect. My feelings of love have been around 100 percent toward my bf for a long time. That translates to me caring about him deeply, never wanting to hurt him (which is in part why this whole thing disturbs me), feeling a strong desire to protect him and make him happy.

 

The "in love" wavers a bit depending on my mood but always stays below 50 percent let's say to quantify the unquantifiable. It usually boils down to pure physical attraction (which is high toward my bf), sparks, chemistry, and, for me, that deep emotional/intellectual connection I crave. It's the more blind, intense, romantic aspect of ove. I find it very hard to put into words, but know exactly how it feels because I've felt it before. Just never toward anyone I've been in a relationship with, even before we started dating. Sometimes I forget how much that feeling is missing until I have something to compare it to. So when I started developing those feelings for his friend, it was a painful reminder. I'm really confused.

 

Kamille: He was the one who brought up the marriage thing. Believe me, I never would have in a million years, but I have thought about it before. I don't think it's unnatural to be thinking along those lines at this point. I'm sure you've had these thoughts concerning your boyfriend, as has he. You're right that it's not a good idea to dwell on this early, though.

[ahah2322]

omg girl. you have posted many threads on issues with yourself and your bf.. and it really comes across as you really liking him. and now, there's someone else you feel a deeper connection with and hence, you want to help him?! wow. like kamille has mentioned, it's been only five months, and definitely not long enough for you to make a decision about him. give him and you guys a chance...

 

and really, you seem really self-destructive. and until you're at peace with yourself, you shouldn't really think about helping other people.

 

hmm.. you remind me of a hippie-musician, shadowplay.

[spookie]

OMG Shadow.

 

There's so much going on here I don't know where to begin.

 

Before I read about your crush on the other dude, I thought that maybe you were unhappy cause you and the bf are on different pages and have different expectations about the relationship.

 

It sounds like you want more in terms of intimacy, commitment, whereas he is slightly more immature. (Although, it's hard to call you mature when you don't have a solid grip on your feelings.)

 

I thought that maybe if your bf was more persistant in pursuing a firmer commitment with you (like by convincing you he REALLY wanted to get engaged soon, as opposed to mentioning it and then telling you he was scared; or by expressing a genuine desire to move in together etc.) you'd be happier cause you'd be more sure of his feelings and that this is something that could last... but it's unreasonable to expect someone to get on your page just cause your insecure. Especially when you're both young and have only been together for five months. I may be completely off mark here but this is precisely what I wanted from my ex (only after three years) and his inability to give me any kind of clear timeline is what drove a wedge between us.

 

But then you mention that you're crushing on the ohter guy... and while I think it's normal to have crushes, yours seems pretty intense.

 

To me, it sounds like you aren't really sure about what you want in a relationship; or at least you haven't commited in your mind to the idea that you deserve EVERYTHING you want.

 

Perhaps your R with your bf isn't ideal, and you know that it never will be, but you're scared to break it off cause you think, it's so close and I may never find something this good?

 

If that's the case, IMO you need to break it off now, on friendly terms, and figure out what it is you do want; as well as why, at 23, with so much going for you, you think it's acceptable to settle for someone you care about, but know you won't be completely happy with.

 

Either way, with all the negative feelings you're getting as a result of being in this relationship, I REALLY think it'd be best to take some time off.

 

 

As far as him not doing a great job keeping in touch during the weeks... well, some people just don't like using the phone. And AIM etc. isn't really a good substitute for face-to-face interaction. If you're intent on remaining together, I think this is just something you are going to have to accept, and have faith about.

[Kamille]

 

To me, it sounds like you aren't really sure about what you want in a relationship; or at least you haven't commited in your mind to the idea that you deserve EVERYTHING you want.

 

 

I think Spookie's post is very insightful - I pulled out the previous sentence because I agree that is sounds like you aren't really sure what you want in a relationship. I wonder how you imagine a long term relationship - the kind of relationship that leads to marriage.

 

You seem to have thought about how you want to feel in a relationship - and this is what is prompting all these doubts. Yet, I wonder how you picture the acts and interactions that would bring about these feelings. I sometimes feel like your impulse is to let your feelings lead the analysis of your bf (or your crush's) actions instead of letting their actions inform your feelings.

 

 

Did you ever compare how you want to feel in a relationship to how you picture a healthy relationship working on a daily basis? See, I think that with experience I have revised how I wanted to feel so that it matched better what I felts was healthy behavior in an R. I feel like I used to have a much more 'passion' based ideas of Rs, whereas now it's a lot more about communication and respect.