I can't get rid of this uneasiness...

[Florida]

shadow and I have slightly different issues....

 

Where I sit is that, if you don't like me as I am, too bad, we're obviously not compatible and there will always be someone else who's more compatible.

 

OMG, TBF I took your quote to allude to another post Shadow made-it had nothing at all to do with you I'm sorry it seemed that way...

 

No I was referring to Shadow mentioning, well , I don't know if she would want me to mention it since it was from the water cooler. It has to do with never having had the big O ever, her whole life!!

 

Shadow if you want me to remove this-just let me know

[Trialbyfire]

No probs Florida. In reference to shadow, it's part of the same issue and a valid point. In order to have the referred to...interaction, you have to be...relaxed enough...errrr...less tense...errr..nvm. You get my drift.

[shadowplay]

Were you ever able to jump that..uhm..hurdle - with yourself?

 

Something else occured to me, you are introspective, your BF is not. This very well may be as far as he can go in terms of bonding, because he may not go deeper than this. Although he may feel more and more love as time goes on.

 

This may be the problem. Our relationship lacks that deep connection, but I can't tell if it's something about him or the fact that I'm holding something back. Last night I was imagining what it would feel like to have that kind of connection with him and it seemed amazing, but I don't know how to get there.

 

At moments we have penetrated the surface but never completely broken through. I've gotten there with past boyfriends, but again I can't tell if it's him or me. I really, really want to get there with him. How do you make that connection with somebody who is content floating on the surface? I believe that he has depth (as I've seen glimpses of it), but if it's well concealed and not easy to access. I think that kind of intimacy scares him, but I know he also wants it. He said once that he "wants so much to be close to me." But he's also said he's closer to me than he's ever been with anyone and that he's never reached this level of intimacy with another person, so maybe this is just as close as he gets?

 

I also don't know what I'm doing exactly to not be myself. I don't feel completely comfortable around him, but I'm not consciously trying to disguise myself around him aside from not revealing certain insecurities. It's more just that I clam up in his presence and then force myself to fill that void with words (that's how I'm "putting on a show"). I'll force myself to act lively even when I'm nervous and would rather be silent.

 

On the other hand, what he likes about me does overlap with the real me in many ways. He says one of his favorite qualities about me is how contrary and discriminating I am. If I don't like something, I'm pretty upfront about it. He seems to really value this about me, perhaps because he thinks most women are not very discriminating or assertive.

 

It's more my insecurities that I worry about. He knows I have insecurities, but he doesn't know how deep they run.

Edited January 7, 2008 by shadowplay

[Cobra_X30]

On the other hand, what he likes about me does overlap with the real me in many ways. He says one of his favorite qualities about me is how contrary and discriminating I am. If I don't like something, I'm pretty upfront about it. He seems to really value this about me, perhaps because he thinks most women are not very discriminating or assertive.

 

It's more my insecurities that I worry about. He knows I have insecurities, but he doesn't know how deep they run.

 

Shadow,

 

More than likely you don't feel that connection because you don't trust he will accept your flaws. Your working very hard to show him an idealized version of yourself. When your in a good relationship you want to be a better person. That's a good thing. However, if you continue to hide all of your negative emotions... it will burn you out. He will accept you warts bumps and all. He has insecurities too, he will understand and will relate. Just don't go too crazy on him!

 

Also, Ive noticed that your BF is a very cerebral guy. That's how he deals with his own insecurities and emotions. It may be a good idea to keep that in mind when you relate to him!

[shadowplay]

This is what I would worry about. You sound like you are competing, not with another woman, but with yourself. Coming from a girl who seems to be so introspective and intelligent, the above statement/realization/possibility seems a bit shallow. It doesn't make sense. If all you are interested in is winning him over, then, I seriously doubt that you really love this man for who he really is. He is not a trophy to be won. He is a real person.

 

Perhaps you are in love with the idea of love and what matters most to you is having a relationship- any relationship - out of a fear of being on your own again. Is this likely, do you think?

 

May I ask how old you are?

 

I'm 24. I'm going to the other extreme of what I've done in the past, when I've revealed too much of myself too early. It seems to be working well, but it also leaves me feeling kind of empty.

 

I think I just got so excited when I landed this great guy that I wanted to do everything in my power to hold on to him and not repeat past mistakes. I remember thinking on our first date, "I want to make him my boyfriend. I'm not going to let this guy go." So that determination has guided me from the beginning.

[Florida]

Shadow I'm confused about something. In another post you said you were ecstatically happy, and that you were glad that you were open with him. Because you felt the connection at that time.

 

But now you are saying the opposite. Do you change your views based on how close you feel with him, then re-color the past accordingly?

 

Also, you say you want to feel closer to him than you do. You could open up and tell him something that makes you feel truly vulnerable. Then you will feel more connected because he is accepting the things that make you you.

[shadowplay]

Shadow I'm confused about something. In another post you said you were ecstatically happy, and that you were glad that you were open with him. Because you felt the connection at that time.

 

But now you are saying the opposite. Do you change your views based on how close you feel with him, then re-color the past accordingly?

 

Also, you say you want to feel closer to him than you do. You could open up and tell him something that makes you feel truly vulnerable. Then you will feel more connected because he is accepting the things that make you you.

 

It does depend on my mood. Some moments I feel really close to him (the one I posted about was such a moment), but they're not as frequent as I'd like. We're pretty close on a purely emotional level. I think we both love each other, and we have a natural kind of chemistry.

 

But another kind of intimacy is lacking that I've experienced with others. It's is a combination of emotional and intellectual connection. Partly it's about sharing life philosophies, observations about the world, serious questions...and finding you think in the same ways, share similar values, fears, etc. He's extremely intelligent, but he shies from serious subject matter. You know how there are people you can talk with for hours into the night about anything and everything? He's not one of those people. He's easy to joke around with, but he lacks gravitas. In part it may be a difference in values. I'm sort of an idealist, and he once was (I think) but he compromised his dreams and become more of a realist.

 

That said I'm infinitely closer to him than I was a few months ago. I just crave more.

[shadowplay]

Something feels off the last two days...but again, it could just be my imagination. The last time I saw him I detected more distance than usual. I asked him if he feels close to me, and he said something he's said before about how I'm by far the closest he's ever been to another person but he's still not "completely" close to me. I asked him what was holding him back, and he said "it's just a slow progression."

 

I don't know. Part of me worries he'll never get there. Is there anything I can do to make him feel more comfortable?

 

I last saw him on Tuesday night, or actually Wednesday morning when he dropped me off. Today I didn't hear from him all day. I called him spontaneously (something I rarely do) around 8 to ask him if he wanted to hang out with me and my friend at a place that is fairly close to where he lives. He didn't answer. Then I called back and left a voice message. Still no return call. When I got home around midnight I logged onto aim and saw his screenname. I IMed him and we chatted for a bit but he seemed kind of distracted (said he was playing a Scrabble game).

 

I asked him if he got my message. His response: "no, I didn't." He explained his cell phone wasn't on him at the time when I called, and somehow when he picked it up again he wasn't notified that I had called or left a message. As we were talking on IM he looked at his phone and said my number was indeed coming up as a missed call. I'm not sure whether to believe him. It seems pretty improbable to me that he wouldn't have seen the missed call or voice message earlier...what do you guys think? If it was because he didn't want to hang out, he could have at least had the decency to let me know and return my call. I don't understand why he wouldn't have...

 

Another issue I've had is that we only see each other three times a week (including weekends) despite the fact that we're now living in the same city. I was hoping we could see each other a bit more frequently, at least until we both get regular jobs and semester classes start. Right now our schedules are pretty free (I'm temping some days, but he's not working). This past week we hung out on Saturday, Friday and Tuesday nights. I'd be fine with four nights a week, but three seems kind of scant to me. I usually let him do the initiating, but when we spoke over IM I brought up wanting to see him a bit more often (in as nice a way as possible). I told him I missed him, and wanted to hang out more if possible until our schedules get too busy.

 

He seemed kind of hesitant, and then I realized it was because of the trip he has to make to see me. I don't have a car, so he usually comes to pick me up at my house. The drive is about 30 to 45 mins. He said he couldn't see making that drive three nights in a row. I told him I could meet him somewhere closer to where he lives to make things easier. To do this I have to walk about 25 min walk to the bus stop, and take the bus thirty minutes to a closer location. I don't mind doing it some of the time, though. He said that sounded good.

 

FWIW He did say he "always loves seeing me" and said the other night he doesn't know if it makes him "pathetic that [he] miss[es] [me] after only two days." Should the drive to pick me up really be such a deterrant? I don't mind making the walk if it is.

 

I'm not sure what to make of all this. Is there anything here, or am I overreacting as usual? I have a feeling I'm overreacting , but just want to verify...

Edited January 11, 2008 by shadowplay

[Polly31]

It does depend on my mood. Some moments I feel really close to him (the one I posted about was such a moment), but they're not as frequent as I'd like. We're pretty close on a purely emotional level. I think we both love each other, and we have a natural kind of chemistry.

 

But another kind of intimacy is lacking that I've experienced with others. It's is a combination of emotional and intellectual connection. Partly it's about sharing life philosophies, observations about the world, serious questions...and finding you think in the same ways, share similar values, fears, etc. He's extremely intelligent, but he shies from serious subject matter. You know how there are people you can talk with for hours into the night about anything and everything? He's not one of those people. He's easy to joke around with, but he lacks gravitas. In part it may be a difference in values. I'm sort of an idealist, and he once was (I think) but he compromised his dreams and become more of a realist.

 

That said I'm infinitely closer to him than I was a few months ago. I just crave more.

 

Shadowplay, everything you've said in this thread resonated with me. I'm both unnerved by it and comforted by finding an intersection of the human condition.

 

I don't have answers for you, but I can volley back some thoughts and experiences of my own. I've been dating a man for 10 months who I never fully felt comfortable with. I've been in a constant state of agitation, with my mind spinning a mile a minute. I'm smoking like a chimney and have lost 25lbs with no effort. I feel like I'm trapped in a bad after-school special. Like you, I think much of this angst is from intuitively detecting that I was with someone who resisted (is not capable of?) going to deeper emotional levels. He is a gem in terms of light, superficial social interactions. He comes off as charming and kind, but his interactions with most people never vary, never progress. Pardon the flag flying, but I consider myself to be someone who rarely accepts things at face value, who's always searching for deeper meaning and connection. I love discussing theoretical issuses and politics, revealing funny little personal quirks and the history behind them, and most importantly, laughing my ass off. He partakes in none of this. As in your situation, this man shies away from certain intellectual and emotional territory, particularly self reflection and introspection. He is not on a journey of self growth. Instead, he placates himself with habitual drug use, empty social transactions with people in the local corner store, and, most unfortunately, images of pretty women.

 

Apologies for the rambling. A bit more background before I disclose my thoughts: The man that I was involved with had some rough patches in his history. I kept considering them as the reasons for his moodiness, detachment, and contracted range of emotions (sunshine...or rage. No in-between.) I've had too much empathy for him in this area, making every effort not to rock the boat. Especially since I felt like I'd finally met someone who I wanted to be with, who intrigued me and made my heart skip a beat. And don't get me wrong, he was loving. It took him a few months to warm up (he was all about sweet, romantic gestures, but they seemed scripted, like he was doing them not because he wanted to but to get a reaction), but when he did, he verbalized and demonstrated his love for me often and intensely. But something was still missing. I kept thinking, "But if I can't joke around with him and can't talk about the things that interest me, what is he falling in love with??" All of the things that he told me he was attracted to--my intelligence, my humor, my depth--were arenas in which he himself didn't feel he could play. Not wanting to drive a wedge between us as we were supposed to be getting closer, I reigned in those parts of my personality that I've always considered to be the most valuable. So, again, when I was rewarded with love and affection, I couldn't reconcile it, and questioned its validity. Eventually, as I become a bit more comfortable with him, I began questioning his love. I would and still do beat myself up for this, thinking "why can't i just let him love me? why am I picking it apart?" Part of my thinks I was picking on him for my own hesitations. I knew something didn't sit right, but I was so taken by this idea of him that I couldn't just say, "this isn't working for me. sayonara." I've been able to do this in the past, but not with this one. I kept hanging on, hoping we'd both work it out; that he'd lessen the drug use and let me connect with him. I pushed for it, started being needy and demanding, at which point he became verbally abusive, and not unwilling to slam me against a wall. He never apologized after these rages. He consistently blamed me and told me I was driving him crazy. I was driving him crazy because I wanted more, knew I needed more.

 

I'm in no way saying that your relationship will follow this same dark path. Each one is different, because every individual brings with them a different set of nuances and chemistry. I suspect that I was dealing with someone with a personality disorder. I don't say that lightly, but after research and therapy sessions, I think there were touches of narcissism that prevented him from exposing himself in a lot of ways. It was like he had a False self and a True self, and the former was vigilant in its protection of the latter.

 

Besides, astrologically, we were the second worst pairing in the zodiac. I suppose, if I wanted to alleviate some of the pain of my situation, I could just chalk it up to a cosmic mismatch. But I'm still doing the work I need to so that in the future, I will never again: a) not listen to my intuition, b) become co-dependent on someone who emotionally withholds, c) compromise my values, d) forget how vast and promising the world is.

 

It might be difficult for you to follow your gut right now. The excitement might be too great. But please, don't lose sight of what you want and deserve. Don't lose sight of the fact that there are men out there who know how to give unconditionally and communicate as though their very life depended on it. These are the freedom fighters who make the world go round, who walk women home in the dark, who don't objectify women, who love their mothers, who would chase after you despite your flaws. Don't take on more work than you need to.

[MystifiedByMen]

My current boyfriend told me that he’s never opened up to another woman as much as he has to me. He’s says that proudly which makes me happy he feels that way.

 

The reason I think he feels comfortable opening up was because I did act like my true self in my personality. In the beginning of our relationship If I was moody for example, I’d just say, “Hey sweetie, you can come over tonight, but I’m a little moody.” He said that’s fine, I still want to see you. OR visa versa, I remember one night he was cranky and he apologized. I told him that there is no need to apologize for being cranky. Everyone has their days. I didn’t give him everything right away when it came to my insecurities, but slowly over time. One insecurity at a time. I just started talking. I think guys like to open up once they are comfortable, it’s not the fact that they really don’t want to talk about things.

 

A good way to start this open line of communication would be for you to just start talking. Start with your smallest insecurity and just open up about it to him. Then end your thoughts and words to him with something positive. You may be doing all the talking at first, but eventually he will see that you’re sharing with him so in time, he’ll want to do the same and share with you.

 

I hope this helps a little and I understood what you are saying. If not, just disregard this.

[shadowplay]

Shadowplay, everything you've said in this thread resonated with me. I'm both unnerved by it and comforted by finding an intersection of the human condition.

 

I don't have answers for you, but I can volley back some thoughts and experiences of my own. I've been dating a man for 10 months who I never fully felt comfortable with. I've been in a constant state of agitation, with my mind spinning a mile a minute. I'm smoking like a chimney and have lost 25lbs with no effort. I feel like I'm trapped in a bad after-school special. Like you, I think much of this angst is from intuitively detecting that I was with someone who resisted (is not capable of?) going to deeper emotional levels. He is a gem in terms of light, superficial social interactions. He comes off as charming and kind, but his interactions with most people never vary, never progress. Pardon the flag flying, but I consider myself to be someone who rarely accepts things at face value, who's always searching for deeper meaning and connection. I love discussing theoretical issuses and politics, revealing funny little personal quirks and the history behind them, and most importantly, laughing my ass off. He partakes in none of this. As in your situation, this man shies away from certain intellectual and emotional territory, particularly self reflection and introspection. He is not on a journey of self growth. Instead, he placates himself with habitual drug use, empty social transactions with people in the local corner store, and, most unfortunately, images of pretty women.

 

Apologies for the rambling. A bit more background before I disclose my thoughts: The man that I was involved with had some rough patches in his history. I kept considering them as the reasons for his moodiness, detachment, and contracted range of emotions (sunshine...or rage. No in-between.) I've had too much empathy for him in this area, making every effort not to rock the boat. Especially since I felt like I'd finally met someone who I wanted to be with, who intrigued me and made my heart skip a beat. And don't get me wrong, he was loving. It took him a few months to warm up (he was all about sweet, romantic gestures, but they seemed scripted, like he was doing them not because he wanted to but to get a reaction), but when he did, he verbalized and demonstrated his love for me often and intensely. But something was still missing. I kept thinking, "But if I can't joke around with him and can't talk about the things that interest me, what is he falling in love with??" All of the things that he told me he was attracted to--my intelligence, my humor, my depth--were arenas in which he himself didn't feel he could play. Not wanting to drive a wedge between us as we were supposed to be getting closer, I reigned in those parts of my personality that I've always considered to be the most valuable. So, again, when I was rewarded with love and affection, I couldn't reconcile it, and questioned its validity. Eventually, as I become a bit more comfortable with him, I began questioning his love. I would and still do beat myself up for this, thinking "why can't i just let him love me? why am I picking it apart?" Part of my thinks I was picking on him for my own hesitations. I knew something didn't sit right, but I was so taken by this idea of him that I couldn't just say, "this isn't working for me. sayonara." I've been able to do this in the past, but not with this one. I kept hanging on, hoping we'd both work it out; that he'd lessen the drug use and let me connect with him. I pushed for it, started being needy and demanding, at which point he became verbally abusive, and not unwilling to slam me against a wall. He never apologized after these rages. He consistently blamed me and told me I was driving him crazy. I was driving him crazy because I wanted more, knew I needed more.

 

I'm in no way saying that your relationship will follow this same dark path. Each one is different, because every individual brings with them a different set of nuances and chemistry. I suspect that I was dealing with someone with a personality disorder. I don't say that lightly, but after research and therapy sessions, I think there were touches of narcissism that prevented him from exposing himself in a lot of ways. It was like he had a False self and a True self, and the former was vigilant in its protection of the latter.

 

Besides, astrologically, we were the second worst pairing in the zodiac. I suppose, if I wanted to alleviate some of the pain of my situation, I could just chalk it up to a cosmic mismatch. But I'm still doing the work I need to so that in the future, I will never again: a) not listen to my intuition, b) become co-dependent on someone who emotionally withholds, c) compromise my values, d) forget how vast and promising the world is.

 

It might be difficult for you to follow your gut right now. The excitement might be too great. But please, don't lose sight of what you want and deserve. Don't lose sight of the fact that there are men out there who know how to give unconditionally and communicate as though their very life depended on it. These are the freedom fighters who make the world go round, who walk women home in the dark, who don't objectify women, who love their mothers, who would chase after you despite your flaws. Don't take on more work than you need to.

 

Wow, he does sound very similar to my bf in some ways. The only difference is my boyfriend doesn't have a temper. He's more passive aggressive. But it's very comforting to find someone else who's gone through a similar experience. Like your ex, my boyfriend tends to stay on the surface with everybody in his life. With his parents he has this easy kind of repartee that's very detached. It's rather odd to witness his interaction with them. The rare moments when I've felt a deeper connection to him only tease me with their brevity.

 

Still, I'm not quite ready to give up. We've only been together for six months, and there is still time for our relationship to grow (I hope). I can't let go because I love him, and I yearn so badly to break through his wall. I've invested so much energy into this relationship that it's hard to let go. I've dated other guys with thick walls who have eventually opened up to me. But maybe this is one cookie that can't be cracked. I don't know.

 

Like your ex, my bf has a good excuse for his emotional remoteness. His mother is bipolar and put him through a lot of stress as a child. She was hospitalized many times during her manic phases. As a result, he has major trust issues and even went through hypnotherapy to try to work them out. So I feel like I owe him a little more patience. I just hope my effort pays off in the end. I'm scared.

 

I want so badly to be close to him it hurts.

Edited January 11, 2008 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

Shadow - relationships ARE about progression. You can't just snap your fingers and have the relationship you will have 20 years from now. Love isn't a destination, it's a journey to take together. You and your BF are on the same road, headed in the same direction. Why are you agonizing over the fact that he's a few steps behind you? He's still very much there, with you. But if you keep asking him about his feelings for you like every other day, he just might turn around and walk in the other direction because what's the point in following someone down a road that the other person doesn't even feel safe walking on?

[shadowplay]

Shadow - relationships ARE about progression. You can't just snap your fingers and have the relationship you will have 20 years from now. Love isn't a destination, it's a journey to take together. You and your BF are on the same road, headed in the same direction. Why are you agonizing over the fact that he's a few steps behind you? He's still very much there, with you. But if you keep asking him about his feelings for you like every other day, he just might turn around and walk in the other direction because what's the point in following someone down a road that the other person doesn't even feel safe walking on?

 

Yeah, I know you're right. I need to stop asking him those questions. It's just so hard for me to chill about this stuff sometimes. I have trouble feeling comfortable in situations that aren't black and white.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, I know you're right. I need to stop asking him those questions. It's just so hard for me to chill about this stuff sometimes. I have trouble feeling comfortable in situations that aren't black and white.

 

Death and taxes are the only things that ARE black and white. (And even taxes can get a little gray...)

[Cobra_X30]

Wow, he does sound very similar to my bf in some ways. The only difference is my boyfriend doesn't have a temper. He's more passive aggressive. But it's very comforting to find someone else who's gone through a similar experience. Like your ex, my boyfriend tends to stay on the surface with everybody in his life. With his parents he has this easy kind of repartee that's very detached. It's rather odd to witness his interaction with them. The rare moments when I've felt a deeper connection to him only tease me with their brevity.

 

I want so badly to be close to him it hurts.

 

Your BF is smart. It's entirely possible that he knows what your looking for and fears the results.

 

You need to fight that battle within yourself... he really can't be expected to open up to you unless he knows he is safe to do so. To be honest I'm not sure where your at in this process, but from what you have posted so far... it seems you may have a ways to go.

 

Consider this. Deep down at the very core of his bieng... what motivates your BF? You need to understand what drives him.

[shadowplay]

Death and taxes are the only things that ARE black and white. (And even taxes can get a little gray...)

 

Thanks, that made me laugh.

[shadowplay]

Your BF is smart. It's entirely possible that he knows what your looking for and fears the results.

 

You need to fight that battle within yourself... he really can't be expected to open up to you unless he knows he is safe to do so. To be honest I'm not sure where your at in this process, but from what you have posted so far... it seems you may have a ways to go.

 

Consider this. Deep down at the very core of his bieng... what motivates your BF? You need to understand what drives him.

 

I'm a bit confused by this. Could you elaborate? What "results" would he fear? And why wouldn't he feel safe around me?

 

At this point in his life I think he's motivated by the need to self actualize. He's kind of behind in his goals and where he'd like to be in his life, and he's trying to catch up. I think he's fighting the fear that he won't be successful or make it in the world since neither of his parents were. He has a lot of bad, self defeating habits that he's trying to overcome. I don't think he has much confidence in himself.

[Polly31]

Yeah, I know you're right. I need to stop asking him those questions. It's just so hard for me to chill about this stuff sometimes. I have trouble feeling comfortable in situations that aren't black and white.

 

Again, I feel like I could have written this. I literally panic when things feel iffy, or in limbo. I've questioned where this petulance comes from, whether it's a control issue I have, or a constant need for the outside world to reaffirm my sense of happiness and well being. But let me remind you of something I needed to remind myself: there's nothing wrong with asking questions. I've had boyfriends who would patiently field my inquiries because they knew I was just trying to understand them better and find a common ground. They didn't become outraged or passive aggressive. If you feel you're asking things to pick on him, or things that you already know the answer to, then yes, take a step back and take a day or two to assess if you can be happy with those answers. I didn't do enough of this, and instead naively tumbled forward wanting to ignore and cover up what I already knew to be true. I so badly wanted to be in his presence every waking moment, that I didn't listen to my own concerns. When a person's answers don't match up, or don't help us feel better, it's often a two-way issue. You'll probably have to take a look at why you're not fully hearing him, but do look at it.

 

I could also relate to your comment about his interactions with his parents. I watched my ex dump me and then jump on the phone with his father and carry on a normal, pleasant conversation, with no mention of our demise. I think the commonality here might be that these are men who are protecting themselves, for whatever reason. They are vulnerable, which I felt empathy for, and searching for a safe environment. I can completely understand not wanting to give up. Just keep an eye on whether or not you feel your personality and sense of self slipping away; whether your self esteem is being eroded; whether he is capable of accepting your love and care in good AND bad times; whether he is capable of showing you love during the bad times; etc. If he always plays the victim, you might not get the nurturing that you need too, and this can start you off on your own misguided path. My ex's last girlfriend became an alcoholic and then cheated on him. In the beginning, I was appalled and felt complete pity for him. What I understand now is that his detachment and emotional manipulation could easily cause anyone with less than a solid sense of self to seek out other outlets.

 

In summary, don't give up, but don't give up on yourself either.

[Star Gazer]

I could also relate to your comment about his interactions with his parents. I watched my ex dump me and then jump on the phone with his father and carry on a normal, pleasant conversation, with no mention of our demise. I think the commonality here might be that these are men who are protecting themselves, for whatever reason. They are vulnerable, which I felt empathy for, and searching for a safe environment. I can completely understand not wanting to give up. Just keep an eye on whether or not you feel your personality and sense of self slipping away; whether your self esteem is being eroded; whether he is capable of accepting your love and care in good AND bad times; whether he is capable of showing you love during the bad times; etc. If he always plays the victim, you might not get the nurturing that you need too, and this can start you off on your own misguided path. My ex's last girlfriend became an alcoholic and then cheated on him. In the beginning, I was appalled and felt complete pity for him. What I understand now is that his detachment and emotional manipulation could easily cause anyone with less than a solid sense of self to seek out other outlets.

 

It's eery how similar our situations are/were. I hope you weren't dating my (ex?) BF...

[Polly31]

I suppose anything is possible, but probably not likely. Did your ex drive you to drink? Was he stoned off his ass constantly? Did he care more about fashion magazines than books? I could go on, but best that I don't.

[shadowplay]

I suppose anything is possible, but probably not likely. Did your ex drive you to drink? Was he stoned off his ass constantly? Did he care more about fashion magazines than books? I could go on, but best that I don't.

 

For some reason this made me laugh. I think SG's guy is an army dude, so I kind of doubt it...

[shadowplay]

Again, I feel like I could have written this. I literally panic when things feel iffy, or in limbo. I've questioned where this petulance comes from, whether it's a control issue I have, or a constant need for the outside world to reaffirm my sense of happiness and well being. But let me remind you of something I needed to remind myself: there's nothing wrong with asking questions. I've had boyfriends who would patiently field my inquiries because they knew I was just trying to understand them better and find a common ground. They didn't become outraged or passive aggressive. If you feel you're asking things to pick on him, or things that you already know the answer to, then yes, take a step back and take a day or two to assess if you can be happy with those answers. I didn't do enough of this, and instead naively tumbled forward wanting to ignore and cover up what I already knew to be true. I so badly wanted to be in his presence every waking moment, that I didn't listen to my own concerns. When a person's answers don't match up, or don't help us feel better, it's often a two-way issue. You'll probably have to take a look at why you're not fully hearing him, but do look at it.

 

I could also relate to your comment about his interactions with his parents. I watched my ex dump me and then jump on the phone with his father and carry on a normal, pleasant conversation, with no mention of our demise. I think the commonality here might be that these are men who are protecting themselves, for whatever reason. They are vulnerable, which I felt empathy for, and searching for a safe environment. I can completely understand not wanting to give up. Just keep an eye on whether or not you feel your personality and sense of self slipping away; whether your self esteem is being eroded; whether he is capable of accepting your love and care in good AND bad times; whether he is capable of showing you love during the bad times; etc. If he always plays the victim, you might not get the nurturing that you need too, and this can start you off on your own misguided path. My ex's last girlfriend became an alcoholic and then cheated on him. In the beginning, I was appalled and felt complete pity for him. What I understand now is that his detachment and emotional manipulation could easily cause anyone with less than a solid sense of self to seek out other outlets.

 

In summary, don't give up, but don't give up on yourself either.

 

The part I bolded is totally on the money. He's said as much about himself and it's very obvious from his behavior. I guess this explains some of his hot-coldness. We'll have an amazing weekend together and he'll be really vulnerable around me only to shut down a few days later because (I think) that level of intimacy scares the hell out of him. He's right when he described it as a "slow progression." An extremely slow progression. It's like 1 step back, 1.2 steps forward. Sometimes it seems like we're going in circles. I just wish there was some way to get over this hump and progress forward, but I guess that's something you can't force.

[Star Gazer]

I suppose anything is possible, but probably not likely. Did your ex drive you to drink? Was he stoned off his ass constantly? Did he care more about fashion magazines than books? I could go on, but best that I don't.

 

Yes to the first question, no to the rest. Phew!

[Star Gazer]

I think the commonality here might be that these are men who are protecting themselves, for whatever reason. They are vulnerable, which I felt empathy for, and searching for a safe environment.

 

The part I bolded is totally on the money. He's said as much about himself and it's very obvious from his behavior. I guess this explains some of his hot-coldness. We'll have an amazing weekend together and he'll be really vulnerable around me only to shut down a few days later because (I think) that level of intimacy scares the hell out of him. He's right when he described it as a "slow progression." An extremely slow progression. It's like 1 step back, 1.2 steps forward. Sometimes it seems like we're going in circles. I just wish there was some way to get over this hump and progress forward, but I guess that's something you can't force.

 

That first bolded part really resonated with me too. (ex)BF has said as much - that he's protecting himself and scared, and is looking for safety personally but doesn't think he can find it in a relationship. Like you, Shadow, he and I will spend an amazing time together, only to have him shut down a few days later. I've said to him that if feels like he's attempting to build a brick wall between us. He'll place a couple bricks, and then allow me to knock some of them down. Sometimes there's fewer bricks there than when we started, other times there's more. It's stressful, and I never know what to expect. However, I've noticed his "shut down" period has progressively gotten shorter and shorter, and that these "bricks" have started (ever so slowly) to disappear.

[shadowplay]

That first bolded part really resonated with me too. (ex)BF has said as much - that he's protecting himself and scared, and is looking for safety personally but doesn't think he can find it in a relationship. Like you, Shadow, he and I will spend an amazing time together, only to have him shut down a few days later. I've said to him that if feels like he's attempting to build a brick wall between us. He'll place a couple bricks, and then allow me to knock some of them down. Sometimes there's fewer bricks there than when we started, other times there's more. It's stressful, and I never know what to expect. However, I've noticed his "shut down" period has progressively gotten shorter and shorter, and that these "bricks" have started (ever so slowly) to disappear.

 

Sometimes during his "shut down" periods I feel like I don't even have a boyfriend. He'll go incommunicado for a bit and it really stresses me out. I just feel so alone at those times, almost as if I'm not even sure whether we'll ever see each other again. Then suddenly he'll call at the last minute and invite me to do something, but it's always at the absolute last minute when I'm about ready to lose it. I just don't understand how he can disappear like this when I think about him all the time. Doesn't he desire to maintain more than the barest minimum contact with me between our visits? And yet when we're together things are amazing most of the time and he says how much he loves being with me. It makes no sense.

 

Or he'll go through a spell of contacting me a ton and showering me in attention. Like last week he randomly brought me flowers (something he's never done before), showered me in compliments, and kept saying how much he missed me when we talked online. Now it's like I don't even exist or I'm not even a part of his life.

 

We have tentative plans to do something tonight, but I have a feeling I won't hear from him until 7 or 8...which really pisses me the hell off. Especially since he KNOWS I get annoyed when he calls me at the last minute and I prefer to make plans in the afternoon.