I can't get rid of this uneasiness...

January 7, 2008

I can't point to anything wrong in my relationship, yet I'm in a constant state of discomfort and uncertainty. I'm trying to look at things rationally now, and I've found nothing worthy of concern. I have a consultation coming up with a therapist so maybe that will help me finally sort out of some of my skewed thoughts.

For whatever reason I'm far less comfortable in this relationship than I have been in previous ones. Is it that I care about this guy more so I have more at stake? Or is there something real that my intuition is picking up?

I mistrust him, yet he's never given me a single reason to. Every time he's very affectionate I get uneasy. Part of me wonders how genuine he's being.

Or maybe he loves me today, but the feeling could easily vanish tomorrow. (Think Christian Bale's character in The Prestige.) I always wonder if his feelings for me are mainly dependent on what happens on a day to day basis. For example, one night maybe I'm in a better mood and act more confident so this makes him love me more.

Part of me wonders if he loves the real me, or just some idealized version he's created in his head that leaves out my nuances. Who knows how far off that idealization is from how I really am. In a sense I feel like he barely even knows me because I've hidden such a huge part of myself from him (basically all the neuroses I discuss on this board and more). Somehow without revealing that to him, I find it hard to relax in his presence. I've rarely shown strong emotion around him, never cried even at times when it has been hard to hold back tears. But it is really a good idea to reveal all of my weaknesses? Wouldn't it just scare him away?

The strange thing is despite some of my trust problems I do feel like I have a lot to offer as a person. I value myself. The problem isn't how I feel about myself but how I feel about other people.

I feel the need to put on a constant show every time I see him. I can't just relax because if I slack off for a day or two he might stop loving me. Sometimes I even avoid seeing him or cancel plans because he makes me so anxious. I don't want to ruin a good thing. I'd always rather end on a high note.

Is it normal for a guy to tell a girl he loves her every five minutes? Sometimes it seems like he "doth protest too much." I get uncomfortable whenever he's really lovey-dovey because I don't trust it. Experience has taught me not to. Could he really have such strong feelings for a girl he's only been seeing for 5-6 months? Especially when you consider it took awhile for him to warm up to me and then all of a sudden BOOM. He always liked me, but his feelings didn't deepen until a few months ago. My demeanor around him hasn't changed much so why the sudden surge?

What if his feelings for me arise more from his need to be dependent on somebody than anything in particular about me? In other words, I worry that I'm interchangeable. He wanted to fall in love with a girl, and I was convenient. I know he never fell in love with his last (and first) gf but she was very abrasive from the way he described her, so that's kind of setting a low bar for his affections.

Maybe it's just that I've had guys tell me they love me and want to spend the rest of their lives with me one day and take it all back a few weeks later. Seems like a guy thing to come on strong and then run away. I get suspicious whenever a guy lays it on thick.

I wish I could shake this feeling. I wish I could just enjoy it, but I'm so terrified of getting hurt.

Edited January 7, 2008 by shadowplay

January 7, 2008

Seems like you doubt his love is real, both because of your behavior (not being fully yourself around him) and his behavior (seemingly too much in love so quickly). And you're afraid that you will eventually lose his love, either because his love for you isn't based on knowing the real you, or because he doesn't really love you and is only infatuated for the moment.

What about your love? Do you love him? Why work so hard to be someone you aren't around him? Why work so hard to keep him if you aren't planning on ever being yourself around him? You can't keep that up forever.

January 7, 2008

Seems like you doubt his love is real, both because of your behavior (not being fully yourself around him) and his behavior (seemingly too much in love so quickly). And you're afraid that you will eventually lose his love, either because his love for you isn't based on knowing the real you, or because he doesn't really love you and is only infatuated for the moment.

What about your love? Do you love him? Why work so hard to be someone you aren't around him? Why work so hard to keep him if you aren't planning on ever being yourself around him? You can't keep that up forever.

Yes, I do love him, quite a bit. I guess I don't know what's appropriate. I want to do the "healthy" thing. In past relationships I've sort of spilled my beans too early on, revealing all of my insecurities, etc. This made me feel more relaxed and allowed the real me to come out. But I also wonder if it damaged the relationship in other respects. Is it really a good idea to reveal all your weaknesses so early on? I just don't know. Somehow it seems self indulgent and impulsive.

January 7, 2008

In a sense I feel like he barely even knows me because I've hidden such a huge part of myself from him (basically all the neuroses I discuss on this board and more).

shadow, he hasn't created an idealized version of you, you've created it and now you can't relax with him.

I would show him more and more of your real self, a little at a time. If it's not the person he's looking for, is it fair to both of you to keep up this charade?

January 7, 2008

If he loves you, then he should love ALL of you, and the includes the other sides of you..Not everyone is nice and happy all the time, so you two need to see eachother at your worst. Or close to that. I hope you know what I mean.

You can't be scared of losing him, I mean, in a way you are ready for him to bail on you! Him telling you he loves you so much, well, if it is bugging you, tell him to stop it. Nicely ofcourse. If him saying I love you too much is making you feel smothered, or question his love for you, like he's trying too hard, or over compensating, tell him that too!

I am glad that you're seeing a therapist, hopefully they can help you figure out if it's something inside of you that you need to work on, trust more - Have faith, or if your gut is screaming something at you and you aren't understanding exactly what it is. I mean, for all you know it could be because you do love him and invested alot of emotions into him, it will hurt if it ends. Fear of failure?? Or..Fear of success...

January 7, 2008

[quote=whichwayisup;1480709

I am glad that you're seeing a therapist, hopefully they can help you figure out if it's something inside of you that you need to work on, trust more - Have faith, or if your gut is screaming something at you and you aren't understanding exactly what it is. I mean, for all you know it could be because you do love him and invested alot of emotions into him, it will hurt if it ends. Fear of failure?? Or..Fear of success...

Yes, I think that's probably it. My other relationships always felt sort of like dress rehearsals to me. They were fun, but I never saw them as having long term potential. This is the first guy I've been with that I can envision marrying someday. So much is at stake that I don't want to make any wrong moves. I'm attacking the relationship like a war game instead of just letting it flow naturally. My mind, not my emotions, have been my guide. It's worked well so far, but somehow it leaves me feeling empty and nervous. I'm always so focused on getting the prize -- winning his affections -- that I lose sight of whatever our relationship means.

I think I got into the strategic mindset early on when it was advantageous to do so, but when we stopped dating and became an item I couldn't switch out of it.

My relationship feels empty right now even though he seems to love me. It feels like it's based on false pretenses. How well do we even know each other? What's real?

Or is there something else about it that's making me feel empty? I can't figure out what it is. Perhaps it seems like there's some deeper connection lacking. How is it possible that I love him when we haven't connected on that level? Do I really love him or is it just infatuation?

The scary thing is I don't have the strong desire to even be myself around him (I have with other guys in past relationships). I see the relationship as a game to win him over and forming a meaningful connection with another person is secondary to me. Sounds terrible, but that's the conclusion I've just drawn after examining my thoughts. So that explains why I don't want to be myself around him. It's not important (since I'm not interested in the connection), and could only damage something that's going well.

But why would I desire to be myself more around people I respect less? Doesn't make sense.

Edited January 7, 2008 by shadowplay

January 7, 2008

Do I really love him or is it just infatuation?

Actually, the question I would ask is 'Are you so focused on winning his affections that you don't even know if you love him?"

This is the first guy I've been with that I can envision marrying someday.

I'm always so focused on getting the prize -- winning his affections -- that I lose sight of whatever our relationship means.

Do you think you have focused so much on your strategy and getting him and keeping him that you haven't take the time to get to know him and develop a real love (vs. infatuation and a desire to win him) yet?

You haven't opened up to him so he doesn't know you...do you think you might not know him?

January 7, 2008

Actually, the question I would ask is 'Are you so focused on winning his affections that you don't even know if you love him?"

Do you think you have focused so much on your strategy and getting him and keeping him that you haven't take the time to get to know him and develop a real love (vs. infatuation and a desire to win him) yet?

You haven't opened up to him so he doesn't know you...do you think you might not know him?

I think you hit the nail on the head with these questions. I'm wondering the same thing...

January 7, 2008

I think you hit the nail on the head with these questions. I'm wondering the same thing...

After reading your edit to your post...do you care if you love him? Or do you just want to keep him because he's someone you can see marrying?

And then, why would you want to marry someone if you have no connection...?

January 7, 2008

After reading your edit to your post...do you care if you love him? Or do you just want to keep him because he's someone you can see marrying?

And then, why would you want to marry someone if you have no connection...?

On some level -- and it disturbs me to admit this -- I don't think I do anymore. There was a time when finding somebody I love was the most important thing to me, but now I've lost sight of that in my desperation to win the approval of somebody I respect.

January 7, 2008

But I don't know, I feel like I must love him given that...

1) The idea of him in pain or distress upsets me. I feel protective of him.

2) I care about his feelings and don't want to hurt him. I enjoy making him feel loved.

3) I tend to get happy when he's happy and sad when he's sad.

January 7, 2008

But I don't know, I feel like I must love him given that...

1) The idea of him in pain or distress upsets me. I feel protective of him.
2) I care about his feelings and don't want to hurt him. I enjoy making him feel loved.
3) I tend to get happy when he's happy and sad when he's sad.

I also feel that way about my close friends.

January 7, 2008

I also feel that way about my close friends.

Yeah, but do you want to screw your close friends?

January 7, 2008

Yeah, but do you want to screw your close friends?

No but I also don't screw ever guy I have a relationship with, not saying you do.

January 7, 2008

No but I also don't screw ever guy I have a relationship with, not saying you do.

No, he's only the third guy I've had sex with....possibly even first if you're being super technical. I thought the definition of romantic love was that you're physically attracted to them and you care about them in the way you would a best friend?

January 7, 2008

No, he's only the third guy I've had sex with. I thought the definition of romantic love was that you're physically attracted to them and you care about them in the way you would a best friend?

I don't think it's so easily defineable. You can greatly care about someone and yet, not really love them to the extent, sufficiently for a long-term romantic relationship.

I've never had to think twice, when I was in love. You just know.

January 7, 2008

I don't think it's so easily defineable. You can greatly care about someone and yet, not really love them to the extent, sufficiently for a long-term romantic relationship.

I've never had to think twice, when I was in love. You just know.

But maybe that's not true for everyone. I often have trouble accessing my feelings, and I tend to second guess myself a lot in general because I'm rather obsessive.

I'm not saying you're wrong...I just don't know.

Edited January 7, 2008 by shadowplay

January 7, 2008

But maybe that's not true for everyone. I often have trouble accessing my feelings, and I tend to second guess myself a lot in general because I'm rather obsessive.

I'm not saying you're wrong...I just don't know.

Understood. You should know me better than to think I would be offended if you called me wrong. You know yourself. Just learn to ease up on yourself, relax and be yourself with him. Allow your natural feelings to come out. You're wound up tighter than a drum.

January 7, 2008

Understood. You should know me better than to think I would be offended if you called me wrong. You know yourself. Just learn to ease up on yourself, relax and be yourself with him. Allow your natural feelings to come out. You're wound up tighter than a drum.

I said that because I honestly don't know whether you're right or wrong about "just knowing" with love.

I'll give your advice about being myself gradually a shot.

January 7, 2008

Strategically speaking, wait a little more before being yourself. He has only recently fallen "in love with you" and it's still too early and too risky to change your personality around him. I would wait a few more months, before his love is more "steady" and then do what TBF said. By then, he will be in pretty deep and will be much more forgiving and accepting.

January 7, 2008

Strategically speaking, wait a little more before being yourself. He has only recently fallen "in love with you" and it's still too early and too risky to change your personality around him. I would wait a few more months, before his love is more "steady" and then do what TBF said. By then, he will be in pretty deep and will be much more forgiving and accepting.

Very interesting post and responses. I had the opposite experience Shadow. I was absolutely over the top, figuratively speaking, early on by putting all my personality /phobias/neurosies/likes/dislikes on a platter. I think this was not such a good thing in retrospect, I believe I was doing the "he can love me or leave me" self sabotage, whereas somewhere in the middle of you and I would have been better.

My BF and I exchanged "I love you's" after 1 1/2 months of dating. Looking back, I believe he did not genuinely fall in love with me until ....... a year had passed. In that time we rode out a lot of compromises, and it was a rockier road than i would have liked.

But a year later is when he started to show he was influenced by me, became vulnerable, affectionate in a way that mirrored my brand of goofiness, and it was a definite change.

Or, as Oppath and Cobra have said about themselves, they made the decision to let themselves be in love.

So it is possible that he is feeling all the preliminary build up, but I think for guys, the genuine thing happens more towards 8 months-12 months....

January 7, 2008

How can you ladies not be yourselves or want to be yourselves from the beginning? Is catching someone under false pretences, the entire game? What about love, trust, respect and friendship?

I look at it from the other point of view. When a guy does this to me and I find out later he's not what he appears to be, I dump him because it feels like someone just sold me a pig in a poke.

I'm not saying that it's this extreme with you ladies but better to be yourselves so you've found someone who likes you as you, than to create fiction, then have to recover from it later. Also, keep in mind that if the guy is more invested later on, where do you suppose you will be? If he's unwilling to accept the change, it will be far, far worse to watch him walk away, 8 - 12 months later.

January 7, 2008

You're wound up tighter than a drum.

Were you ever able to jump that..uhm..hurdle - with yourself?

Something else occured to me, you are introspective, your BF is not. This very well may be as far as he can go in terms of bonding, because he may not go deeper than this. Although he may feel more and more love as time goes on.

Edited January 7, 2008 by Florida

January 7, 2008

Were you ever able to jump that..uhm..hurdle with yourself?

Freud attributed all women's anxieties to that one thing.

shadow and I have slightly different issues....

Where I sit is that, if you don't like me as I am, too bad, we're obviously not compatible and there will always be someone else who's more compatible.

January 7, 2008

I see the relationship as a game to win him over and forming a meaningful connection with another person is secondary to me.

This is what I would worry about. You sound like you are competing, not with another woman, but with yourself. Coming from a girl who seems to be so introspective and intelligent, the above statement/realization/possibility seems a bit shallow. It doesn't make sense. If all you are interested in is winning him over, then, I seriously doubt that you really love this man for who he really is. He is not a trophy to be won. He is a real person.

Perhaps you are in love with the idea of love and what matters most to you is having a relationship- any relationship - out of a fear of being on your own again. Is this likely, do you think?

May I ask how old you are?

Sign In

I can't get rid of this uneasiness...

Recommended Posts

shadowplay

norajane

shadowplay

Trialbyfire

whichwayisup

shadowplay

norajane

shadowplay

norajane

shadowplay

shadowplay

Trialbyfire

shadowplay

Trialbyfire

shadowplay

Trialbyfire

shadowplay

Trialbyfire

shadowplay

BlueEyedGirl

Florida

Trialbyfire

Florida

Trialbyfire

marlena

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...