curiousnycgirl Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I posted the post shown below on a different thread. I got the response shown way below. Is this the general consensus? I don't happen to think so, and I've discussed it with my therapist, who also sees my SO - but I was fairly shocked at how vitriolic this other poster was. Comments would be appreciated. Quote: Originally Posted by curiousnycgirl AC - Wow really harsh and unfair. Let's put aside first dates - because those are not at issue here - these two have been in a relationship for a long time and are talking marriage. My b/f lost his job over 3 years ago, at the time we had only been dating 6 months. At first he very aggressively sought new employment, but due to his age and corporate "level" he could not find one. So he began working on building a new company. To say the least he has had very little income in all this time. I have paid for every single date since then, with the sole exception of my birthdays. I have also paid for every single vacation (all to see his family), every present we have given as a couple (including to his family and business partner's kids), etc. Furthermore I paid for his dog's vet bills AND the attorney's fees for his recent DWI (that is the only thing I've mentioned above that I told him that one day I expect to be paid back because that is just stupidity). I do this because I love him, because I view us as a couple and when one needs help, the other shoulders the burden. Would I like greater equity - sure, but that's just not possible right now. Later on - I sincerley hope we will get that back. Not because it will be his turn to pay, but because HE needs it for his own ego and feelings of self worth. Frankly I don't care. I've finally found someone I love - so if I had to support him for the rest of our lives, so what?! I would do it willingly. "Do you enjoy being a doormat and being used like that? Why hasn't this guy married you yet allowed you to bail him out of every situation? How could he even afford to go out drinking in the first place, yet he can't afford you a wedding ring and walk down the aisle? Wake up and smell the coffee, hon, cause he is gonna dump you someday and you will be very resentful and there won't be anything you can do because you paid for all of those gifts for him. "
quankanne Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 sounds like the respondee (who made the "doormat" comment) has issues of their own with being treated this way, so he/she is striking out at you. frankly, I can kind of see it from that viewpoint, that you're being taken advantage of, but as a married woman of 15 years, I also know that it's a very normal part of the relationship to support the other person when they need it. Because even if it does look to an outsider that you are footing all the bills, they don't have the full story – your guy might be the kind of person who makes sure that your needs are met or even anticipated so that YOU don't have to worry about those things. Like with my husband: If the weather's really cold, he'll get up out of a warm bed just to start up my car for me so that when I get ready to leave for work, it's warmed up. he also makes sure all the plants are watered, he cares for the animals, he makes sure the car is road-ready when I have to travel just so I don't have to worry about those things. Sometimes it seems like the burden is put on me every month to make his American Express payments or checking out information for him online because he's not comfortable with going online, but it all balances out because we each do what's needed to support each other and the relationship. and it sounds like you and your guy are doing something similar, so take negative or judgemental comments like the one you've shared from the other forum with a HUGE grain of salt – only YOU know what really goes on in your relationships!
Green Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 you seem to do this with every one. Stop paying for the world, and putting other people first. There are plenty of dates which don't involve money like planning to watch a movie (or renting from a free library). He could cook you a meal at his place. You shouldn't have paid for his dwi, and wow paying for a vacation to see his family... I don't know if your relationship will end or not but I feel this guy has taken advantage of your inability to say no. You can't give him all the blam though, you need to change, because he is not the only person who has done this to you financialy...
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Indeed KMT you are correct - and I ask this question of my therapist regularly. So far the therapist thinks the relationship continues to be good and healthy for me - but I agree these concerns have crossed my mind. The DWI is one of the few things I have told him I expect to be fully reimbursed for. The other things are out there as well, and not things he has done wrong, just not things I expected to have to pay for - such as covering him on my healthy insurance. He does make me dinner when we are at his house - and overall he's a pretty great guy. But I do remain mindful of the financial issues, and my own history. In fact I'm fairly certain he remains concerned about it too - as periodically he brings it up. I was simply stunned at the other posters comment that he will leave me, etc. I appreciate everyone's input.
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