trulysomething Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 We've been broken up for about 4 months now I think. He wants to be friends and I do too, but I'm so confused and messed up, I thought he was someone really special for me. So special that I put up with a lot while we were dating. A LOT. We talk everyday and it's more like dating when we see each other..but lately we've been fighting a lot. We've only been chatting online and via phone for the last month as I've been away visiting home. Seems like every chat we have ends in a fight. He asked me if I thought there would ever be a time when I wouldn't care about him or think about him, because he wouldn't be able to handle that. I thought back to all my ex's and realized that while I would not kick them if I saw them on the street, I don't exactly consider myself to be friends with them either. I don't know their whereabouts and I don't plan on tracking them down anytime soon. I can't even remember how I got over half of them...but I did. The horrible thing is, now that we're not dating, he's making changes in his life (going back to school, meeting new people, etc) that I encouraged him to make all along the way (when we started dating he suffered from horrible panic attacks and he was in a depression, uncomfortable meeting new people, etc). He credits me with all the positivity in his life, but yet, he says he is happy being single at the moment. It makes me really sad to think that some other girl will benefit from all the wonderful things that he's doing in his life now and I had to deal with the crap. I guess all I can do is continue to try and be his friend, distance myself somewhat..no more cuddling, holding hands, kissing or whatnot..and try to find someone else. But I don't want to date anyone else, I cry all the time and I want to be in his company. I think he's even picking me up from the airport when I get back. Any thoughts would be amazing.
Lee725 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 The horrible thing is, now that we're not dating, he's making changes in his life (going back to school, meeting new people, etc) that I encouraged him to make all along the way (when we started dating he suffered from horrible panic attacks and he was in a depression, uncomfortable meeting new people, etc). He credits me with all the positivity in his life, but yet, he says he is happy being single at the moment. If you continue to have contact with him all the while knowing he is happy being single you are only giving yourself more heartache. Mayeb time away from you, away from your contact and support will make him realize that you are the one responsible for all the good things that are changing in him now. He will not appreciate you the way you deserve and appreciate what you have done while he has not had time to reflect upon it. You helped him with these life changing decisions, but he can not see that you are truly the one who did it because you are still there standing behind him. If he does not want to be with you and love you like you deserve, you should'nt be there for him anymore. You are fighting now because of unresolved issues, you would like to resolve them with the intent of recconcilliation, he is happy playing the single life, therefore you will only continue to butt heads. I hope you find the strength to value yourself as much as you have valued him. Give yourself the same breaks and the same support you gave him. I really dont believe being friends with him is going to help you, contact with him is only going to make you pine for him more. He is stronger now, so he should be able to cope without you. You need to find the strength to cope without him.
Author trulysomething Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks so much Lee725..your advice was great and soooo accurate. I do fight with him because of unresolved issues and you are right that he will definitely not appreciate me if I am always there. Sooooo..do I make myself less available or do I completely go no contact, although I don't think I really want that. I know that if I avoid him for a while he'll eventually stop trying to contact me. The ridiculous thing is that I do want to be a part of his life, but I still don't even know as to what extent. Because I am going back away from my friends and family and he was the only person my age that I communicated with (we're in our early thirties and all my classmates and flatmates are in their early twenties), I worry I'll be lost without him. Maybe I just don't want him to start dating anyone before I do. This I do know is soooooo true*L* He'll be starting school in Jan and meeting loads of women (he's taking a holistic therapy course, including massage, etc). He doesn't actually have any friends (or ones he's remained in contact with, he lets them do their own thing and he does not contact them) and it seems that any woman that has shown interest in him, he's dated (that's 2 of us..and he's only ever dated 2 women (he's 32)). But I've pumped up his self esteem and made him much more self-confident...and in that, mine has dropped slightly! Yes, I do need to value myself as much as I had given him. I am working on that! Thanks again sooo much. arrrgggghhh..
Lee725 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Thanks so much Lee725..your advice was great and soooo accurate. I do fight with him because of unresolved issues and you are right that he will definitely not appreciate me if I am always there. Sooooo..do I make myself less available or do I completely go no contact, although I don't think I really want that. No-one really wants that, reading through the threads here you will find person after person who craves contact with their EX, but must find the strength within themselves not to contact. Even LC with him may not be enough to ensure that he has time to reflect. You will not be able to reslove the issues without a willing partner, therefore even limited contact is either going to end up in one of the two catergories: 1) a fight - unresolved issues. 2) him asking you for more help and advice to inflate his ego and build up his self esteem - again no outcome for you. I know that if I avoid him for a while he'll eventually stop trying to contact me. If this happens then it does (sorry for sounding harsh), but right now nothing he has to say will be of any real value to you and YOUR self esteem. If it makes you feel better, send him a final note (although against my better judgement) and say something like: "i am sorry but i need some time to myself, i have spent so much time helping and supporting other people that i have neglected my own needs, i am sure as my friend that you understand this". therefore you get your point across, no blame is placed and there is no nastiness. I worry I'll be lost without him. You are a beautiful wonderful person without him. You are a complete person who stands on your own, you are YOU. I am thirty as well, one of my closest friends is 24, she has provided a pillar of strength, encouragement and light for me during my darkest days. My best friend is thirty also, there has been days that the life would have left me as i drowned if she was not there to hold my head above the surface. Just because they are younger does not mean that you can not relate to anyone in that age group. You will be surprised how many of them are mature beyond their years. My point: same age or younger you will find people to relate to and be friends with. You will not be lost without him. Without him, you will find YOURSELF. Maybe I just don't want him to start dating anyone before I do. Hahaha... i have thought that myself SSSoooo many times about my EX's. In the end if he does - it will hurt but it does not matter because remember he is who you have helped him to be. He will probably find someone who can not help him and support him in the way you have & then finally realize what he left in letting you go. He will have had a chance to reflect. He doesn't actually have any friends (or ones he's remained in contact with, he lets them do their own thing and he does not contact them) My EX was like that, all his friends had dropped away, i build up his self esteem and all of a sudden he has friends everywhere. It is funny how that happens & i have no idea why. mine has dropped slightly! Of course yours has dropped. On this one i can completely relate. You helped him, supported him, inflated him, you held him and you loved him. WHY?: because you wanted to be with him. It is a blow to do all these things for someone only in the end to have it thrown back in your face. "You are good enough for support, encouragement & to build me up, but you arnt good enough for me to be in a relationship with". Of course you feel like your self esteem has dropped. I know mine has big time. Yes, I do need to value myself as much as I had given him. I am working on that! Thanks again sooo much. You are welcome, Keep us updated hun. Sorry about the long reply - i go off on tanjents sometimes LOL
Author trulysomething Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 Thanks Lee..I love both long messages and tangents. Your advice was great. The thing is, I don't contact the ex..he contacts me! Pretty much everyday. I'm sure this is compounded by the fact that he doesn't have friends. *sigh* No contact Tonight we chatted online and he went quiet for like 20 minutes. I left notes..and wondered where he was..finally he came back and said he was on the phone! It was 2:30 in the morning his time. He said, he said that we were working on something (he was reading an article for my essay..shocking I know..he was interested in helping me out!) and that because we hadn't spoken for a few minutes, he didn't think it was a big deal. My concern was WHO he was talking to. It could only have been 3 possible other people. 1. His ex (who is in the US at the moment and I have HUGE trust issues with this!) 2. His one guy friend or 3. Some girl who will be taking his class (!!!! this also freaks me out because school has not started for him! They met in the interview and exchanged info??? Suspicious. But, because they'll be in class together and because he's single, it's none of my business) I told him that he had no respect for me. He should have simply said he'd be back or something to that effect. He said, I hope you know that's not true..I'm sorry if you feel that way, but I do respect you. We had a nice chat after that and it ended with him giving me "hugs and kisses" and lots of x's and o's... I simply said..right back at you, have a good night. I deserve so much better, but that part of me still wants him to recognize that and smarten up and come back. I know I am just fooling myself though, so I gotta move on. He asked me to watch a movie with him tomorrow and I told him I had plans, but if they changed, I'd look for him online. I don't think I could send him a letter asking for no contact..it'd be too painful. I'd much rather things slipped away if they were to go that route. I've never had this issue before..once it was over, my old exs and I both went no contact. Here, we both want contact, but he wants time and space to 'get his act together' and I had thought things would get so much better this year...but the joke is on me. The only person I can control is myself..so I'm determined not to get down on myself anymore..he can be someone else's trouble. I haven't cried in a while, but now I'm starting too at least once a day and this frustrates me to no end. How are you coping?
Lee725 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 The thing is, I don't contact the ex..he contacts me! Pretty much everyday. If you cant ignore every call, try to start ignoring every second or third one. He will call back. Slowly build up the strength not to answer. It is really hard not to think about who they were talking to. My EX, would be on the phone allot and when i was with him 9 times out of 10 his phone would be on silent & he would not answer it... AArrrgggg, my brain started doing back flips. I think because i knew it was his EX calling. They have a son so they were in contact either in person or by phone EVERYDAY (i kind of hate using him as a reference because it was such a short relationship, it seems trivial) You have to try to either put it aside in your mind or forget it, you will end up staying awake all night thinking about it otherwise. They met in the interview and exchanged info??? Suspicious. But, because they'll be in class together and because he's single, it's none of my business HHHmmmm, don't think i would be very happy about that either. But this is an example of why NC works well in helping you move on, if you were in NC you would not know about this and it would not affect you so much. This might sound nasty Hun, believe me i don't want it to be at all but: I think you might have over reacted with the "I'll be back thing", by saying he had no respect for you. I know that it annoyed you to no end that he just disappeared, but people do that all the time when chatting on line. I am sure that at some point even one of your friends has done it to you, therefore, telling him he had no respect may have been a little harsh. Some people honestly cant talk on the phone & type at the same time. I deserve so much better, but that part of me still wants him to recognize that and smarten up and come back. I know I am just fooling myself though, so I gotta move on. Yes, you do honey. That brick wall you are bashing your head against isn't going to fall over, you are just going to take more skin off your forehead if you keep doing it. I don't think I could send him a letter asking for no contact..it'd be too painful. I'd much rather things slipped away if they were to go that route. Rarely happens, as someone likely you, will be wondering what happened and what could have been. Situations like this need to end in "Closure", otherwise it is likely you will find yourself continually caught up in this in the future. Mind you i only say this based on MY experience which of course may not reflect the broader community. I've never had this issue before..once it was over, my old exs and I both went no contact. Here, we both want contact, but he wants time and space to 'get his act together' and I had thought things would get so much better this year...but the joke is on me. I hope for you that it does work out and he does get his act together, but please be ready Hun, please prepare yourself for the fact that at the end of this journey he may be with someone else or may want to be alone. You know this already, Don't wait for someone who may not come back. I haven't cried in a while, but now I'm starting too at least once a day and this frustrates me to no end. How are you coping? At the moment i am not coping, not in regards to any specific break up that i have had, i am just not coping in general. Each day feels like a fight within myself. I have no more tears left (i might have ONE left if i kick my toe ) Right now i am reasonably content with where my life is at, it is my motivation that is lacking. I am lonely which makes it harder. I have plenty of friends and things to do, it is a loneliness that comes from within. Anyhow enough about me, please come back and let us know how you go!
Author trulysomething Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Sorry to hear you are not doing well. Seems to be the general consensus around here. Writing. You need to write an because you are very good at it here, I would bet that you could journal and feel at least some relief. As for me, I told the man tonight that I could not be a friend for him right now. I'm sure he doesn't believe it, but I need to take care of me. Everytime I said, I can't talk to you or see you for a while, he would counter with..I hope we don't grow distant, I hope we can still talk. He MUST have some sort of issue where he's not getting what I'm saying. *L* I was like...when I feel like I can be a good friend to you, I will be in touch, but I can't now because I have feelings for you that you can't return. He said, will you answer if I call? I said, not right now,but you can always leave me a message if it's an emergency and I will be there. He told me that wherever I was in the world he would come for me and although the sentiment is lovely and sweet and romantic...I don't believe him for a second. He said a lot of other lovely things and things that were reserved and special to us, be we will always have that. At the end, I told him I loved him, wished him well and said that he knew how to contact me if he ever changed his mind. When I said goodbye, he asked me not to say it, so I simply said.. Goodnight. This will be tough, but I put up with much more than anyone would and I need to keep reminding myself that I deserve someone who can at least meet me 50/50. Soon, he'll realize that I gave him so much too. I hope things are looking a bit brighter over in your corner of the world today.
Author trulysomething Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Thanks JDeeDee....I'm doing okay. How are you making out today? Have cried a lot last night and today. It's like breaking up all over again, but this time was my turn to finalize things. The sad thing is, I don't think I can ever really be his friend. That in itself, devastates me. My past exes, if I saw them on the street I'd be nice and happy..but I make no effort to stay in touch with them. He was not only my boyfriend, but my best friend. I shared everything with him, he consoled me when I was upset, he pumped me up when I needed that and we really did have the best times together. (Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things that we were dealing with) I feel like I've lost it all in one blow. I will make no effort to contact him, which will mean he'll either slip away like the others or he'll show up along the way. He didn't want to hear what I had to say, so he pretended to ignore it in our conversation....and in fact insisted on staying close and not drifting. We're broken up!! We've already drifted! *sigh* Eventually, I'll be fine. We all will be...won't we? I am just tired of feeling hopeless and helpless.
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