SusanChess Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Yes, this is the same guy I've been posting about. Instead of doing the sensible thing and following everyone's advice on the last thread, I let exam stress, exhaustion, and the holidays get the better of me and I left everything alone until now. I think I did a really, really bad thing. I finally decided to find out once and for all this weekend whether this guy (Brian) liked me or not, so today I called over and asked how I could tell if a guy liked me. He said that I should be able to tell by the way the guy flirts with me, because a guy flirts differently with a girl he really likes. I said that the problem was that I can never tell when someone is flirting. He said he really couldn’t tell either. Then he said that another good way was just to ask him out. I said that I thought that that was the guy’s job. He paused for a moment, and then said, he didn’t think that was true these days. Then he said I probably would have been better off asking this other person we both know who was working for him that day, so I did. Later, I wound up inviting myself to lunch with the two of them (we’ve all known each other for a long time and we all used to work together.) So we were talking, and the girl was like, so tell us about this guy! I suddenly realized what an incredibly deep hole I was digging for myself, so I stalled as long as I could. Then he started asking too, so finally I figured that going with a “half truth” (a guy who had been interested in me at school, but that I wasn’t remotely interested in) to save face was my best bet. So he asked, is it a guy at school? I said yes. Then Brian asked if it was a guy from the class that Brian had helped me study for. I said no, and he stopped smiling so much. Then I started describing a guy to them as they were asking questions. With each question, Brian started to get a little more acerbic and a bit hoarse. In fact, he really offended me at one point although I joked back. I'm just not used to him saying things like that to me. Still trying to get myself out of it, I finally said that I was really not all that interested in the guy, but that I was interested in another guy. Brian said that sometimes in situations like that the best thing to do was to go out with the guy you’re only kind of interested in in order to make the real guy jealous. I said that seemed like an awful thing to do, and Brian said that it was actually pretty effective. And then he started giving me advice on what sorts of things I could ask him to do, how to ask him etc. At this point, I thought to myself that there was just no way that a guy who was interested in me would ever intentionally tell me to date another guy to make him jealous. So, I just sort of changed the subject. When they steered it back to me, I again demurred that there was this other guy and it just didn’t seem right to date someone else just to make him jealous. Well, as we were leaving the girl walked off for a moment. Brian looked me in the eye and said, “Well, if you ever get the guts to ask the guy out, let us know.” I said, “Yeah, we can have another conference” and smiled. He didn’t smile back and looked down and away. Then we all left, and he didn’t really say much else after that except goodbye. I feel really bad about “chasing after" Brian all this time without him knowing. I think I should go apologize to him tomorrow, and explain myself since he’s always been open and honest with me. What should I say to him? I just feel so awful, and I need to apologize for my own peace of mind. Plus maybe if I hear myself apologizing to someone for my behavior I won't get myself into this type of situation a third time.
Lucasarts Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 um well it seems like that BRIAN is showing is showing signs of jealousy and disapproval which means i think he does secretly like you and that he might be too afraid to ask you out also, mentioning that you were interested in another person to the person you like is a bad idea...because that means you're supposedly indicating that you have no real romantic interest in that person i would just ask brian out on a date and tell him the truth about how u feel about him and you'll most likely realize he feels the same for you
Kamille Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Agree with Lucasarts. Don't apologize. Ask him out. Then you will know once and for all how he feels about you.
Author SusanChess Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Wait, what? I thought that since he was giving me advice on how to pursue another guy there was no chance he might have any feelings for me at all. Am I wrong about that? If so, I'll at the very least ask him out for coffee or something to explain after I get back home in a couple of weeks.
latefragment Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 please just ask this guy out before it's too late. TOMORROW. It may already be too late. I've followed your previous threads and I think that if you don't ask this guy out ASAP (he's already been shot down 3 times by you, he's not going to ask you again) he might just lost interest, if he hasn't already. Please do it now.
Author SusanChess Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 So I should call him today and ask him out? That doesn't seem desperate since I basically asked him twice in one day to ask me out? Even if he is insisting on me asking him, why in the world would he do that instead of just asking himself?
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 SusanChess, what do you want more, a shot at a relationship with this guy or simply friendship? If it's the former and you ask him out, worse case scenario is that he says no and if you don't lash out at him, you'll still have his friendship. If it's the latter, than leave it at status quo.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Ok, way too many games happening here. The whole telling him about yourself liking another guy is a game, and if you ask him out he may get it, or may be confused and ask about the other guy you like. You see it's getting too complicated with the games and indirectness. If it were me? I'd call him right now (or whatever time it is there) and say "Hey that conversation we had yesterday at lunch? I didn't know how to approach you before, so I'm just telling you now I was talking about you. I was nervous telling you straight out before, but I'm doing it now." Then ask him on a date! Get it done. No more games.
Author SusanChess Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Ok, unless anyone has anything else to say I'm going with ElvenPriestess' idea, except I'll just say "Hey that conversation we had yesterday at lunch? I didn't know how to approach you before, so I'm just telling you now I was talking about you. I was nervous telling you straight out before, but I'm doing it now . . . anyway, I felt bad afterwards for being deceptive and I just wanted to apologize." I think that if he still doesn't ask me out/indicate how he feels after that, I've still got my answer, right?
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Ok, unless anyone has anything else to say I'm going with ElvenPriestess' idea, except I'll just say "Hey that conversation we had yesterday at lunch? I didn't know how to approach you before, so I'm just telling you now I was talking about you. I was nervous telling you straight out before, but I'm doing it now . . . anyway, I felt bad afterwards for being deceptive and I just wanted to apologize." I think that if he still doesn't ask me out/indicate how he feels after that, I've still got my answer, right? I think his reaction will tell you alot. And you'll learn alot about how he feels, but I would still not leave it up to him to ask you out. Just see how he responds and go from there. I'm dying to hear what he says btw. Keep us posted.
Author SusanChess Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 (edited) Ok, so I called him, and apparently I completely blindsided him. It turns out that he really doesn't feel the same way, but at least he's not mad And, I got it over with too, so that's one thing I'll never have to think about again. Now just what am I going to do with all of that extra brain space? Anyway, here's what happened: I called and said I needed to apologize for the day before. He said he didn't see any reason for me to have to apologize, and then I said, "No, I think I really do. I was talking about you. I felt bad afterwards for being deceptive and I just wanted to apologize. I realized yesterday that you don't feel the same way, but I still felt bad for the whole thing. I consider you a really good friend and I don't usually treat my friends that way." So he was really good about it, and finally said "I don't think we'll ever be more than friends, but I really do value our friendship . . . . " Then we just kind of joked around a bit and left it at that. Edited January 7, 2008 by SusanChess
Kamille Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Ok, so I called him, and apparently I completely blindsided him. It turns out that he really doesn't feel the same way, but at least he's not mad And, I got it over with too, so that's one thing I'll never have to think about again. Now just what am I going to do with all of that extra brain space? Anyway, here's what happened: I called and said I needed to apologize for the day before. He said he didn't see any reason for me to have to apologize, and then I said, "No, I think I really do. I was talking about you. I felt bad afterwards for being deceptive and I just wanted to apologize. I realized yesterday that you don't feel the same way, but I still felt bad for the whole thing. I consider you a really good friend and I don't usually treat my friends that way." So he was really good about it, and finally said "I don't think we'll ever be more than friends, but I really do value our friendship . . . . " Then we just kind of joked around a bit and left it at that. I'm glad that wasn't so hard, and now you are free to focus on other things. plus I think you handled it superbly well. So congratulations. Too bad the feelings weren't mutual - but hey, that's happened to all of us.
Author SusanChess Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 I'm glad that wasn't so hard, and now you are free to focus on other things. plus I think you handled it superbly well. So congratulations. Too bad the feelings weren't mutual - but hey, that's happened to all of us. Thanks! It was weird, but while I was on the phone, all I could think was, wow, this whole thing is like the thing with my old boss playing out again, except this time I'm bringing it up. As I was saying the thing about being friends, I was thinking, do I really have feelings for this guy at all? Is that why I kept "turning him down"? What am I going to say if he says he has feelings for me too? It was all too much of a coincidence. After I left that job, I went straight into another one in the same industry because I had something to "prove." My feelings for Brian didn't start until after he'd been promoted over me. And they didn't really get going until he had the same position my old boss did. I'm just so glad it didn't turn out the same way. Brian was like an older brother to me right before he was promoted (as he was afterwards also, although I didn't see it that way), and I'd love for things to go back to being that way again. Do you think I should talk to him about that (what happened with my old boss) when I get back home? Also, do you think it would be okay if I asked him about certain incidents over the years to see where I went wrong in interpreting them? I doubt he'll mind, but I'm not sure if there's a protocol in these things . . .
ElvenPriestess Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I think now that you guys have an understanding there's no need to go into past misinterpretations. I am so happy for you though that you can now put your mind at ease. No more wondering!
Kamille Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I agree. I think the less you go into details, the more confortable you will feel in the friendship. It is interesting though, that you sought almost the same situation that you had just lived through. But now that you have taken some control over your life, I hope seeing how well this turned out will help you to take some distance from the first situation. People do care for you.
Author SusanChess Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Yeah, you're both probably right. And it did turn out much better than it could have, esp. compared to the last time . . . we'll have a great friendship now that there isn't this elephant in the room. Now I can see how the last time should have gone too if my old boss hadn't been such a psycho.
Racquel Colette Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 No offense, but I told you before that he wasn't into you when you first started posting about this guy. Ladies, take note. If a guy doesn't ask you out (on a date), he's not interested.
Author SusanChess Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 (edited) Christ, for the last time he asked me out (on dates) several times! Do you think I'm lying about that or something? So are you now saying that a guy who asks you out several times isn't into you either? Edited January 8, 2008 by SusanChess
D-Lish Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Christ, for the last time he asked me out (on dates) several times! Do you think I'm lying about that or something? So are you now saying that a guy who asks you out several times isn't into you either? Suzie-Chess.... I honestly believed from everything you posted that this guy was interested in you. The dinner thing, the putting his hand on yours, etc.... It all pointed toward the fact that he was interested. I don't think you were wrong to infer he had interest. Okay- so now you now he just wants to be friends. No biggie- at least you know. It might take a little time to get the friendship back on track- but I think things will be less confusing now. You won't have all these unanswered questions hanging over you- so you will be free to explore one another as friends.
Author SusanChess Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Suzie-Chess.... I honestly believed from everything you posted that this guy was interested in you. The dinner thing, the putting his hand on yours, etc.... It all pointed toward the fact that he was interested. I don't think you were wrong to infer he had interest. Okay- so now you now he just wants to be friends. No biggie- at least you know. It might take a little time to get the friendship back on track- but I think things will be less confusing now. You won't have all these unanswered questions hanging over you- so you will be free to explore one another as friends. Yeah, the whole thing is a little weird. After Racquel's comment I was thinking about all of that. But the guy is a little flakey, so who knows? As I said earlier, he's a great friend anyway so I'm perfectly fine with that too. What really would have been bad is if he had just completely shut the door.
D-Lish Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Yeah, the whole thing is a little weird. After Racquel's comment I was thinking about all of that. But the guy is a little flakey, so who knows? As I said earlier, he's a great friend anyway so I'm perfectly fine with that too. What really would have been bad is if he had just completely shut the door. Well, that comment was a little harsh... it didn't sit well with me. I DO think something fishy is going on with this guy. He did give you signs.... men are so hard to read. How are you feeling now?
Author SusanChess Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Well, that comment was a little harsh... it didn't sit well with me. I DO think something fishy is going on with this guy. He did give you signs.... men are so hard to read. How are you feeling now? I'm fine . . . I woke up this morning a little doubtful because of something a friend said after hearing what happened. Regardless, I have a busy two week trip that starts today, so at least I couldn't have timed it better!
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