Phoenix11 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Had a first date with this guy I met online. We get together at 1:30 to see a movie. Initial reaction was "OK he looks exactly like his online pic." Great...no unwelcomed surprises. Our greeting to each other was a quick hug...cool. Get in the movies...chat a bit during previews to alleviate the edge. Lights go out...he makes his move...holding hands, arm around my shoulder...nice. After movies...we go to a sports bar the watch the football game...drinks appetizers, more drinks, dinner. After first game...he wants to stick around for the second. I say OK, but he changes his mind a little after the game starts. Great..by this time it's a little after 8:00 and we have been together since 1:30...long enough first date. Our "Good bye" was more passionate than our hello, but still the idea of anything more was out of the question. He said he has a long drive home....about sixty miles and it's late and he's been drinking and really would like to spend more time with me. (I'm thinking...why did you not end the date sooner then) I could not and would not invite him back to my place. He was persistent, but I held my ground. He said, I know this is our 1st date, but I feel like it's our 3rd. I feel I know you so well....blah blah blah. Eventually he gave up. Aside from the sour note the date ended on...everthing else went well. I don't know what to make of this. What did I do wrong here?
Green Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 So he wanted to come back and hang out... in his defense it was a very long, and if he payed very expensive date... Movie, drinks, apetizers, dinner... wow. How can you seriously be upset that he tried to come over. its like the equivlent of between 3-5 of my dates with all the time you spent togather.
BlueEyedSarah Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 He should have thought about not drinking on the date due to having to drive home.
Green Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 He should have thought about not drinking on the date due to having to drive home. I think that was just an excuse for the obvious
Racquel Colette Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I can't believe there are men still have the mentality that time/money whatever spent on a date means the woman should be willing to put out. Gross. Let him go and don't listen to KMT's advice.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 You didnt do anything wrong.. but it sounds likr you arent really interested in this guy. Im not saying that you dont seem interested because you didnt invite him back to your house.. But you say things like he wanted to spend the rest of the evening with me blah blah blah. R you i nterested in getting to know him further?
Author Phoenix11 Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 You didnt do anything wrong.. but it sounds likr you arent really interested in this guy. Im not saying that you dont seem interested because you didnt invite him back to your house.. But you say things like he wanted to spend the rest of the evening with me blah blah blah. R you i nterested in getting to know him further? Yes..I am interested in him, and during the time we spent together, we talked about doing something again this coming weekend. I just wanted to have a balanced evening...a little fun (movies, football), with a touch of romance. Just enough to show interest, but not enough that would indicate I wanted to go to the next level. He's going 80 miles per hour to my 40....yikes!
Green Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I can't believe there are men still have the mentality that time/money whatever spent on a date means the woman should be willing to put out. Gross. Let him go and don't listen to KMT's advice. My advice is don't let him go over this, its a reasonable mistake and it sounds like you still like him. And if you like him after all that time there must be something there that could grow.
Capricciosa Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Well, I'd say that they all try on the first date, but it's absolutely fine to say no. I know it sounds cheesy, but most often it's better to wait until you know the guy's real intentions. And you shouldn't be bringing guys from online home on the first date. You did exactly what you should have, and the only thing that sticks out here is that he insisted, didn't take no for an answer. Watch for that if you see him again.
Zapbasket Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 For me all this would be a huge red flag. This was your first in-person meeting, right? I don't know how long you corresponded over e-mail, etc., but imo that doesn't matter: he shouldn't have even TRIED to come over to your place on the first date. And that he kept pushing is unrealistic at best, and verges on disrespectful. What happened to a first date that's just about getting to know each other? My concern in your shoes would be that he's too eager to get to the "good stuff" without building enough of a foundation for it to actually mean something. If someone really rocks your socks, you can take your time--since ultimately, you'll have all the time in the world if you're really well-matched.
Lizzie60 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 You did nothing wrong... The ball is in his camp now... If I were you, I would not call him again.. just wait and see. He seems to be very immature... drinking and trying to extend the date on that excuse is lame and stupid.. too bad, he just didn't have to drink so much... If he doesn't call you again... tough... just move on...
shockandawed Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Phoenix, First of all, I am glad you didn't get stood up! I don't think you did anything specifically wrong here. Some casual observations. The date was probably too long. I would have suggested skipping the afternoon movie and just meeting for dinner the first time. I would think it would be pretty akward to meet someone and immediately go into a dark and quiet theater, but you seem comfortable with that. I don't think this guy is strictly looking to score. It could have been a motive to go back, but he also could have just let his guard down with the length of the date. A few more hours with Phoenix and then passing out on her couch could have been all he was looking for. No one knows his intentions for sure, so it is probably a little premature for us to speculate. I say just be aware of the possibilities. I would be up front with him when you speak again. Tell him you had a great time and would love to go out again. Pleasantly also tell him that you are the type that needs to go out with someone for awhile and get to know them well before you invite them to your house. If he is any kind of man, he will appreciate this. Continue meeting in public places with definitive start and ending times until you are comfortable with more, regardless how long that takes. Maybe the next time you could meet more in the middle if possible, that will take the pressure off you being the "host". I would also suggest an activity that does not involve a lot of drinking. Glad it went well overall and keep us updated.
Green Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 insanely long date for a first meeting, I would have just met for a drink the first time.
Lucasarts Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 sorta sounds like one of my dates...cept i cant drink legally with the girl so she ends up being buzzed and im sober and just having a good time i donno, i honestly dont see what u did wrong here for a first date except not give it up and pretty say that you're an easy lay (which is what the guy was probably trying to go for...) so if he calls back then maybe you can start liking and figuring him out more, but i'd hold out on letting him in (*hint hint) just to see how he reacts and how he truly feels about you. His sorta aggressive nature seems to imply that he was trying to get a quick lay, yet with the all time spent together, i'd say he is either committed to getting with you or is committed to being with you. let time figure this out and be patient. You didnt do anything wrong.
Author Phoenix11 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 insanely long date for a first meeting, I would have just met for a drink the first time. Yes, I agree it was an insanely long first date. I think we both felt we would spend a little more time than usaual since he had to travel so far us to met. Dunno know...driving over 60 miles for a half hour coffee date just didn't make sense.
Author Phoenix11 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Phoenix, First of all, I am glad you didn't get stood up! I don't think you did anything specifically wrong here. Some casual observations. The date was probably too long. I would have suggested skipping the afternoon movie and just meeting for dinner the first time. I would think it would be pretty akward to meet someone and immediately go into a dark and quiet theater, but you seem comfortable with that. Hey Shock, As always, thank you for your words of wisdom. Regarding the movie, I find that this helps takes some of the pressure off of being instantly engaging when first meeting someone. I am extremely shy and this allows me to be in my dates presence, hold brief conversations while I'm working out my initial jitters. By the end of the movie I am more composed.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Phoenix, I think you did fine, especially for a first date. Not every date goes smoothly and given the time and depth of the date, I think it went well. About the guy; I think he was very into you. He may have a touch of loneliness in him, or maybe a lot of recent disappointments and you were just the opposite and he didn't want it to end. Let's not assume he wanted full out intercourse. He may have wanted heavy kissing and maybe a bit more. Even though I think he really liked you, he should have been a bit more realistic than he appeared. Men don't get that a date is a date, if they spend $5 or $500. It's still one date. I also never buy into (this seems like our 3 or 4th date), just because of time or context. When in doubt of a man's motives, just remember: All guys want to f*ck, so, if you want something more meaningful, than set the rules for yourself and/or maybe him too. Tell him that you thought the date went well, but that you take things as they come, slow and steady. If he bolts, who cares, if he stays for more, than you know you may have someone you can grow with. Let us know how next week goes! Good luck.
Author Phoenix11 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 We spoke this morning and both agreed we had a great time on our first date. He did not acknowledge his insistance of wanting to go home with me, but instead turned the tables by saying I was sending him mixed signals. We were equally affectionate in saying our "good bye". At some point...I put on the brakes...but he kept trying....so now he is making me feel it's all my fault. Anyhoo...that aside, he wants to see me again...soon....like today....can he give a girl a little more notice. Planned for dinner on Thursday, and believe me...he will be lucky if he gets a handshake out of me...don't want to send mixed signals again.
roxy_1980 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 It sounds like he's trying to accelerate this relationship. Wanting to see you that day? On the second date? He was trying to sleep with you, make no mistake about it. It's no coincidence that he said that it felt like the 3rd date...aka the date some people figure is the benchmark for sex. (I'm a three month girl myself, but am aware that some people follow this rule.) Mixed signals...the old standby. He acts like a pig, not his fault, by some twist of his perception it's your fault, you gave him mixed signals.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Don't be too prudish but don't jump into the bed with him either. A great tease is all anyone can ask for on a second date. I still believe that this guy wants you - you just need to find out if it's for a week or longer. The second date should give you more indication as to his intentions. Write back.
Green Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 We spoke this morning and both agreed we had a great time on our first date. He did not acknowledge his insistance of wanting to go home with me, but instead turned the tables by saying I was sending him mixed signals. We were equally affectionate in saying our "good bye". At some point...I put on the brakes...but he kept trying....so now he is making me feel it's all my fault. Anyhoo...that aside, he wants to see me again...soon....like today....can he give a girl a little more notice. Planned for dinner on Thursday, and believe me...he will be lucky if he gets a handshake out of me...don't want to send mixed signals again. Why r u going out with him, it sounds like you hate him
Author Phoenix11 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Why r u going out with him, it sounds like you hate him No...I don't hate him....just the opposite. I like him very much but would like to keep a clear head and not give in to temptation. Like in poker...you don't know if you have a winning hand until you show your cards, and I'm not ready to put all my cards on the table yet.
Green Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 No...I don't hate him....just the opposite. I like him very much but would like to keep a clear head and not give in to temptation. Like in poker...you don't know if you have a winning hand until you show your cards, and I'm not ready to put all my cards on the table yet. how old r u?
shockandawed Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 He just may have meant the mixed signals had to do with how long and well the date was going. Remember, both parties are quite nervous so something being said out of line often times is a result of this. And I still say his intentions may have been nothing more than spending more time with Phoenix. May have, we don't know for sure. I do think you need to draw the lines a little with him so there are no mixed signals, and that you don't come across as a prude. Simply explain to him that it takes you quite awhile to feel comfortable enough to have someone over and you don't sleep with anyone until you have established some type of a relationship. Like I said, if he has any decency to him, then this won't be a problem and you won't have to worry about sending mixed signals. I have told dates that myself and it seems to relax the evening. I have also had girls tell me it takes them awhile to feel comfortable about having sex and if I have any interest in them at all, I don't let that deter anything. Yes, contrary to some of the thoughts of the other posters, not all men are looking to get laid. I won't have sex with anyone until there have been a few dates and somewhat of a relationship exists. I have tried the quick romp and don't find it enjoyable. I am also not very attracted to girls who will do it on the 1st date. Call me a prude, but I do value a woman who hasn't slept with every date she has had. Hopefully you are meeting again and he is not picking you up. Did you take my advise and try to meet somewhere closer to him? Relax, be yourself, if you are up front with him about your intentions, getting a sudden urge to make out with him shouldn't send any mixed signals, lol.....Good luck!!!
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