NoIdeaAtAll Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 When you feel your heart has given up beating, when you feel as tho you are dying inside - when you can give advice and not take the same advice you give others - when the hurt is so bad and yet you are numb - when you show everyone that you are coping and are getting on with your life without the person you love and you tell everyone it's fine and you do your job and smile for the world.... you pretend to your kids to protect them coz they can't cope with any more upset in their lives so you are strong for them - but you're not, not really, you are just lying to everyone, your friends, your family - him (but he's the only one who knows how you're feeling because he's feeling exactly the same and hes on his own and pretending too... when you are lying to yourself, when it hurts so much that if you even try to tell yourself that it's happened and that and you will be ok but then you cry again and again and again - on your own when you tell that person you love you understand, because you do and you accept the reasons - you just can't be together but you can - but he's not strong enough to stand by my side and there are good reasons how do you get through it? I know - day at a time, minute by minute - I know the answers - I just can't do it - it doesn't stop - the sadness just wraps itself round me and is crushing the life out of me - but no-one can see it - because I'm so good at pretending it's all alright - and I have to do that because they don't understand why it has to be this way - and they all hurt too I just want it to stop hurting.
kymberann Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Well you do not have to pretend here! Let it out and go with what you are feeling! You are wounded and grieving, these are natural responses. ANd while it hurts, you are healing as you go through these feelings of sadness. It is a day to day thing. Sometimes minute by minute. Tell us the details of your break up. SOmetimes talking or in this instance writing about it can help. Why do you say you just can't be together, but then you can? best, Kim
Ronni_W Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 ...when you show everyone that you are coping and ... you tell everyone it's fine and you do your job and smile for ...you are just lying to everyone, your friends, your family ...but no-one can see it - because I'm so good at pretending ...they don't understand Would it help to reflect on where your desire to put on such a brave front comes from? I do understand your feeling that it is necessary for your children. But who says you cannot be the one who needs hugs, support and encouragement from your trusted friends and family members? If you have been the "strong one" for everybody else in the past, it is not relevant to the fact that you need some nurturing now. Of course they do not understand...you are the ONLY person who can help them understand what you're feeling and going through, and you're not doing that for yourself. Maybe it will take courage to reveal your true, hurting self? -- I'd suggest that you start with people you really trust, who you know will have your best interest in their hearts and won't need to judge anything about you or your feelings and needs. -- Sending good wishes and strength.
Green Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 your kids probably relize your depressed, and so might the people around you. Take some comfort in knowing your not alone, alot of people suffer when they lose a love. Your addicted to the emotion of being depressed the same way an adict is addicted to drugs. You need to activly make the choice to break the habit and stop being sad. Use a funny movie or playing with your kids as an escape. Change the focus of the way you think about your situation and say this is fun, a time of change and posibility and activly tell yourself to be happy. break the habit
Author NoIdeaAtAll Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) Would it help to reflect on where your desire to put on such a brave front comes from? I do understand your feeling that it is necessary for your children. But who says you cannot be the one who needs hugs, support and encouragement from your trusted friends and family members? If you have been the "strong one" for everybody else in the past, it is not relevant to the fact that you need some nurturing now. Of course they do not understand...you are the ONLY person who can help them understand what you're feeling and going through, and you're not doing that for yourself. Maybe it will take courage to reveal your true, hurting self? -- I'd suggest that you start with people you really trust, who you know will have your best interest in their hearts and won't need to judge anything about you or your feelings and needs. -- Sending good wishes and strength. Trying to paste a reply but having a problem. Edited January 6, 2008 by NoIdeaAtAll showing font
Author NoIdeaAtAll Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 We could be together but we both have children. His children believe he cared for one of mine more than them – this is a very real hurt for him because he worships his kids - it is far more complex than that – they are old kids (17/20)– but kids all the same – my eldest is mentally disabled – it’s just way too complicated – the long and short – the world of hurt this has caused my kids and his – all so unnecessarily – but real hurt for everyone – his mindset is “sacrifice us” – for them. He had left his marriage and that had been fine initially – until they knew my son was part of the equation – therefore it was “family swap”! Of course, it wasn’t but they are kids and he couldn’t reassure them in the right way. His reasons are sound, complicated, but sound, and I understand and accept them It may not sound “life threatening” – but it has been regarding the kids. That’s why it hurts so much. The risk, which didn’t need to be there – is now there and too much damage has been done. His mindset, his guilt – doesn’t allow him to be with me My friends, my family – love me so much. They want me to be whole – they despise what he has done to me and mine – and though they respect that we love each other they say he is weak and cowardly. He wasn’t strong enough – and that I also accept. I wish he was – but at this time he isn’t. He is getting help. I am getting help. He is incredibly strong to be able to give us up – I am on my own - he’s on his own – that took massive strength because he had good reasons. We are not together – and that is where my pain is I have to get strong, I have to – I am having major surgery in a few weeks – I know when they put me under there will be a part of me that hopes not to wake up. How selfish is that? It scares me so much. I am going to have a very long and painful recovery period – I am in my 40’s and will be totally dependant on my family for months. My little boy will be going to live my ex-hub (who is also a very good friend and still loves me) because I will not be able to walk for a long time and then I will have to learn to walk again. I just want it all to stop. I want to not have to feel the emotion of all this stuff any more. It hurts too much.
Author NoIdeaAtAll Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 your kids probably relize your depressed, and so might the people around you. Take some comfort in knowing your not alone, alot of people suffer when they lose a love. Your addicted to the emotion of being depressed the same way an adict is addicted to drugs. You need to activly make the choice to break the habit and stop being sad. Use a funny movie or playing with your kids as an escape. Change the focus of the way you think about your situation and say this is fun, a time of change and posibility and activly tell yourself to be happy. break the habit Its not just losing a love – I haven’t lost my love – I just can’t be with him. My eldest child is in such a scary place in the world he lives in (ASD/autism) and has made a serious attempt on his life – hes a teenager, self harms and can’t live at home because we couldn’t protect him. My youngest son has witnessed things a child should never see with a lot of frightening incidents – hes only 10. I have had serious medical problems since I was 24 – oh, blah blah blah – see that’s what I mean – too much stuff – and just no strength any longer. It’s not a habit to be depressed – it’s just too much for me to want to deal with any longer. My counsellor tells me I have to accept the things I cannot change – I cannot change the fact that my child may take his life – accept that – HOW? Accept what’s happening in my life and get on with it – HOW? I want to so much not have any of this going on – but it doesn’t stop and the hurt in accepting all of doesn’t stop. Addiction to drugs – love – depression – there is a choice there to stop it from happening. I can’t stop what’s happening in my life, I can’t stop what happens to my eldest son and I can’t be with the man I am in love with.
Author NoIdeaAtAll Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Sorry - thanku for replying. I know - quit feeling sorry for myself and get on with it. Sorry.
Green Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Sorry - thanku for replying. I know - quit feeling sorry for myself and get on with it. Sorry. stop being sorry. Ur cool. You've still got it. Times are tough for every one. Maybe going to church or what ever could help. You chose how you see things, and how you see yourself. You things to look foward too. Lifes a journey not a destination.
NickP Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I've not been part of the site 4 very long. But I know that like every other person that comes here, you have come here seeking for a glimmer of hope that everything is going to be alright. Many ppl here go thru so much too. Right now, you're going thru a lot! It may be so unfair that you have to go thru so much in ur life, that it's getting you to this point at which you believe you don't want to wake up from surgery. But, amidst all these problems you're facing, I am sure that you can find one simple thing that would want to continue living for. Though you feel you couldn't protect your child, I am certain that your child does not wish that he never had you as his mother. I'm absolutely sure that you put smiles on peoples faces every day. You need to continue hoping. You need to believe that there is somethin worth living for, something worth fighting for !!! Look deep within u for that and find that thing! You need to realise that though you may not be with the man you love today, it doesn't mean that you never will! What I'm trying to say in so many words is don't ever give up !! Believe that things will be better. It's hard.. Many of us go thru things which we feel is the hardest thing we've had to do.. but it's never impossible. It never is impossible!! Look for the good in ur life right now..and focus on that. Don't let your troubles be the onli thing on ur mind. "Anything that doesn't kill you can only make you stronger."--Kanye West
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