Author LankyGuy Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 OK, she does have hangups from her past. She does think sex is "bad" and is trying to overcome that. It's something her mom instilled in her. But the distance in our relationship surely does not help. As far as examples, I'm not sure if you're asking for examples of realizations or things that I used to do, things she wants, etc. But she wants little notes that say "I love you..." She wants love letters, a flower left on her car, a mushy card, and little surprises that I bring home. These are all things I used to do...the first year or two of dating...so I know that I have it in me. Then something changed.... 7 years ago a counselor suggested that I make a point to do these things for her once a month on our anniversary. And I do, and most of the time she's happy about it. The problem is that I'm not doing it more often...the idea was that I'd start getting used to it. We went back to counseling 3 years ago and last year with the same issues. We finally went back a few months ago because I realized that there are much deeper problems. We actually got into the nuts and bolts this time and it was very traumatic for my wife because this time he found that there were things that she needed to address too...we needed to get into this stuff out into the open with our counselors years ago. As far as me bing P-A...I don't know. I'm certainly passive...I've never had anyone tell me that I'm passive aggressive, but I may be.. I still have to do reading on it, but it's possible. If so, I need to stop it.
BenThere Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Lanky, In my opinion I think you've put up with enough crap from that bitch. That being said I would stive to be the best husband ever, and then put her on notice if there aren't some permanent major changes on her side of the fence that someday you're going to be history. Then set a dead line, six months a year...(but don't tell her what it is)... If she doesn't change then leave. If you've been doing your part to be a great husband you can leave without feeling guilty. If she wants you back make her work for it. If I understand the situation correctly, you don't have children together. That leaves you a lot of freedom. There are a lot of other fish in the sea, and a lot of good women that will treat you good. You've given her more than enough time. I think it's time to fish or cut bait, and start making long range plans to start a new life without her. If you don't this will go on for the rest of your lives, then one day you will wake up and regret all the years you wasted with her. Ben
Author LankyGuy Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Ben, those are good points but I don't appreciate the fact that you referred to my wife as "that bitch". She has some problems but she's still my wife and I still love her.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 LG, I am soooo glad you didn't let this new poster get away with calling your wife a b*tch. Your wife isn't one, she has some issues, just like you have some issues, that you both need to sort through and work together to get things good again.
Author LankyGuy Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Even if we were to split and it were ugly, I'd never think of her as a bitch and I don't want to hear anyone else call her that. That comment crossed the line. BTW, I looked up the passive-aggressive personality...I REALLY don't think I'm P-A. Holy cow there are some strongly negative behaviors and outlooks associated with that. I'm generally very positive, respectful person...I really don't have an agenda. I don't get off on making other people's (including my wife's) life miserable or being a burden. I did realize, though, that one of my co-workers fits this. If so, it's a very challenging thing to deal with...the blame, the complaining, negativity, ambiguity, forgetfulness, and general avoidance of responsibility. I really am just passive in a lot of ways...tough because I have to overcome this in day-to-day life since I am a landlord with several rental properties. But my tenants respect and seem to like me...although they fear me a bit...which is just fine...I get rent on time ;-)
PerfectLee Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Lanky, I'm familiar w/your other thread about your wife "needing" you, I was going to comment but didn't have a chance. I feel like I'm a lot like you, & my GF is your W. (in some aspects) I'm her 2nd LTR so she has very specific expectations on how she wants things to happen. Me? I have a few expectations simply because I know how most things end up based on past experience. I remember reading about how your W was brought up w/parents where the W did all the cooking for the H etc... Here's my 2 cents. My GF & I decided at the start of this year...NO MORE FIGHTING! Along w/losing weight & saving more money which are common Resolutions, we discussed why we were fighting so much and found out some really crucial things. We love compliments. We expect them. (not in a bad way) In a strange sense, we both need to hear that we're still interested in each other. I expect her to grab my ass when she walks passed me, she expects me to "listen" when she's had a bad day at work. Believe it or not, these are the things that make us work. It may be cheesy or unnecessary in other peoples relationships, and these things are not an obligation, but instead, an honor, a privelege. At least...that's how it should be viewed. Last year when she resented me for almost everything under the sun, I didn't get any of that. She was mad for things I couldn't defend myself about from 2 years ago, 2 months ago etc... She held back my favorite hobby...sex, for a few months. (TORTURE!) She made comments to me like your W does, "Oh yeah? Are you sure about that?" "We'll see what happens to your promise this time!" MY GOD! So...for the last 7 days, since the start of the year, we're taking one day at a time. The crap has already been laid on the table, and the last week of December I said "Dammit, just lay it on me once and for all cuz I'm NOT spending 2008 like this! Anything you want to say? Anything you want to get off your chest...lets fight about it now!" Honestly, it's been heaven since the 1st of January. Resentment will kill you guys, she has to meet you half way. If my GF decided to be stubborn and give me more sh*t this year...I couldn't make it. I said "As many things as I've done to you, you must know it wasn't intentional. Whatever pain I caused you that I don't know about, I'm sorry. But I do not deserve to be your ongoing punching bag. You can be mad at me, hate me a little even, but the #1 question you must ask yourself is if you still love me, deeply. If you do, lets work on this because I'm still in love with you."
Author LankyGuy Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Thanks PerfectLee...I'm glad to hear that things are looking up for you. It sounds like you guys have figured out each others' needs and are addressing it. My wife has started to come towards me now. I just need to take the next step forward.
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 OK, she does have hangups from her past. She does think sex is "bad" and is trying to overcome that. It's something her mom instilled in her. But the distance in our relationship surely does not help. As far as examples, I'm not sure if you're asking for examples of realizations or things that I used to do, things she wants, etc. But she wants little notes that say "I love you..." She wants love letters, a flower left on her car, a mushy card, and little surprises that I bring home. These are all things I used to do...the first year or two of dating...so I know that I have it in me. Then something changed.... 7 years ago a counselor suggested that I make a point to do these things for her once a month on our anniversary. And I do, and most of the time she's happy about it. The problem is that I'm not doing it more often...the idea was that I'd start getting used to it. We went back to counseling 3 years ago and last year with the same issues. We finally went back a few months ago because I realized that there are much deeper problems. We actually got into the nuts and bolts this time and it was very traumatic for my wife because this time he found that there were things that she needed to address too...we needed to get into this stuff out into the open with our counselors years ago. As far as me bing P-A...I don't know. I'm certainly passive...I've never had anyone tell me that I'm passive aggressive, but I may be.. I still have to do reading on it, but it's possible. If so, I need to stop it. Dude you are likely not a PA case...... A PA would never take suggestions from a shrink. He would agree to the shrinks face but never do them. Would likely do the opposite as well. If getting your wife to open the door to you takes a couple of big gestures of "love/needs met"...... try it. Worst case scenario you are out a couple of bucks... planning means tons.. no drive by quarter pounder with cheese gifts. go pee both your intitials in the snow inside a big yellow heart.
BenThere Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Lankyguy, I'm sorry, I was caught up in the emotions of reading your posts. Please accept my apology.
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