LankyGuy Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 My wife and I just got into a fight over compliments. In other threads here, we've established that she has low self esteem and her greatest needs from me are compliments, little notes, and feeling special. This stuff does not come natural to me anymore since we have a lack of any intimacy in the R, and other issues (her screaming, name calling, etc). My W just told me that she likes that I am tall when I had to reach something. I said "Thank you." Then she says, "Do you like that I'm tall?" I rolled my eyes and asked her "Do you only give me compliments to get one in return?" Of course, she says that that's the only way she can get them from me, etc. She had a huge crying fit, saying "Just give me some compliments!" and stormed away. My question is how often do compliments come in normal relationships? Is it a daily, weekly, thing? I always compliment her on dinner and when we go out, I'll tell her she looks nice, but I know I'm not the type of person who throws around compliments left and right. She's an adult and we both know what our strengths are at this point...that's my view, anyways Maybe I've spoiled the relationship to a certain extent because of this...I don't know. Can you give me some feedback on this? I've been with her since age 19 (14 years), and it's only my 2nd LTR. I really don't know how often I'm supposed to give them. Do most women need lots of compliments...even those with good self esteem? She said she needs me to start giving her compliments as she's now trying to not scream, get into sex and develop an attraction to me in order to try to save the relationship. It feels so contrived and I feel like I'm married to a little girl at times. How can I compliment someone whom I've lost so much respect for and intimacy with? I need to take one for the team, I guess. She's painting the pool deck right now and I'll be joining her...I'll have to work up a compliment for her painting skills, I guess. Hopefully she doesn't call me out and say, "You don't mean it" like she often does :-/ Curious about your input here...thanks...
OWoman Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I need to take one for the team, I guess. She's painting the pool deck right now and I'll be joining her...I'll have to work up a compliment for her painting skills, I guess. Hopefully she doesn't call me out and say, "You don't mean it" like she often does :-/ NONONONONONONONO!!!!! You can't "work up a compliment" anymore than she can try to force an attraction. It's either spontaneous and genuine, or it's not. She can't expect compliments if she does nothing to warrant them - if she treats you nice, you can compliment her on that. If she's restrained and doesn't abuse you, you can compliment her on her self-control, whatever - things that mean something to you. Anything else is just fake and contrived - and, as you point out, sets you up for more criticism if it doesn't meet her expectations.
melodymatters Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 As Chris Rock said " there are only three things woman need in life : food, water and compliments". Obviously it's a joke, but there is a shred of truth therein ! I had a BF who refused to compliment me. The best he could do is : "I don't date ugly woman, so do the math". I pointed out that even THAT wasn't a compliment to ME, but for himself. Look, dude, it's free. She ain't asking for diamonds. Try and think of something nice and positive to say each day. If you can't do that, there might be something wrong with the relationship, or you. They say that couples who last the longest and have the healthiest relationships, do or say something like 9 good things for every 1 bad. I believe it. The " nicer" you are to me, the more I want to do, give, to YOU. It's a good investment kiddo !
lbj123 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I agree with Melody! Without knowing any backstory, why is it so hard for you to compliment her? Compliments are the most basic and fundamental way of expressing emotion. I am not a needy girl, but man or woman, what makes you feel better than hearing something positive about yourself, whether it be from a spouse, co-worker, friend, etc? I think its really worth exploring why you can't seem to find anything to genuinely compliment her on? It souinds like it has become such a source of contention for her that she is now really harping on it. So if you love her and want to make the relationship work, give the girl a compliment on a daily basis! You know what would be amazing? If you wrote her a letter saying how you've been thinking about how important it is to her to hear compliments and perhaps you could do a better job at it, so you are writing her a list of all of the things (big and small) that you love about her and that she is great at. I bet she would love that!!
OWoman Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 They say that couples who last the longest and have the healthiest relationships, do or say something like 9 good things for every 1 bad. I believe it. The " nicer" you are to me, the more I want to do, give, to YOU. It's a good investment kiddo ! Trouble is - if you read Lanky's other thread - he's the only one doing the giving. His W is a cold, self-obsessed and abusive woman, who demands but does nothing in return. The deal here is that she stops abusing Lanky so much if he "treats her like a queen". Sorry - but no one should have to PAY someone (in compliments or however) to get them to stop abusing you. They should simply not do it and if they won't stop, you make them by walking away. Guilt-tripping Lanky into feeling he's in the wrong here is uninformed by the context. Lanky's W is the one who needs to make the effort here, not Lanky!
OWoman Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I agree with Melody! Without knowing any backstory, why is it so hard for you to compliment her? How about, because she's a frigid, manipulative drama queen who abuses him? Read his thread and wise up on the back story - Lanky isn't an emotional cripple, he's a guy who's been emotionally bludgeoned to death by an abusive wife!
Meaplus3 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 My wife and I just got into a fight over compliments. In other threads here, we've established that she has low self esteem and her greatest needs from me are compliments, little notes, and feeling special. This stuff does not come natural to me anymore since we have a lack of any intimacy in the R, and other issues (her screaming, name calling, etc). My W just told me that she likes that I am tall when I had to reach something. I said "Thank you." Then she says, "Do you like that I'm tall?" I rolled my eyes and asked her "Do you only give me compliments to get one in return?" Of course, she says that that's the only way she can get them from me, etc. She had a huge crying fit, saying "Just give me some compliments!" and stormed away. My question is how often do compliments come in normal relationships? Is it a daily, weekly, thing? I always compliment her on dinner and when we go out, I'll tell her she looks nice, but I know I'm not the type of person who throws around compliments left and right. She's an adult and we both know what our strengths are at this point...that's my view, anyways Maybe I've spoiled the relationship to a certain extent because of this...I don't know. Can you give me some feedback on this? I've been with her since age 19 (14 years), and it's only my 2nd LTR. I really don't know how often I'm supposed to give them. Do most women need lots of compliments...even those with good self esteem? She said she needs me to start giving her compliments as she's now trying to not scream, get into sex and develop an attraction to me in order to try to save the relationship. It feels so contrived and I feel like I'm married to a little girl at times. How can I compliment someone whom I've lost so much respect for and intimacy with? I need to take one for the team, I guess. She's painting the pool deck right now and I'll be joining her...I'll have to work up a compliment for her painting skills, I guess. Hopefully she doesn't call me out and say, "You don't mean it" like she often does :-/ Curious about your input here...thanks... Your wife is telling you what she need's! You can't see that? AP:)
sarme Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Lanky, first off, don't compliment her on her painting skills that is not going to build any sort of intimacy it's fine but I don't think that's quite what she is looking for. given her "do you like my height" comment it sounds like she needs to know you still find her sexy or beautiful. Do compliment her out of the blue and tell her she looks good in those jeans, or tell her hair looks pretty or grab her out of the blue and kiss her and tell her that you love her. Women love to be complimented and this is how you keep romance alive and how you get a woman into bed. At first it will feel forced but as she starts to reciprocate your efforts you will both fall into a pattern of giving and receiving and you can aim towards that much needed intimacy you want. My man is extremely vocal with me, we can't get enough of each other and it starts with a basic, "wow baby you look so sexy in that outfit!!" and I could be wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He can turn on my engines even when I am not feeling sexy at all. Compliments are very powerful.
Trialbyfire Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I don't think it matters about what level of self-esteem a person has, in a situation like this. You can either feed the positive or you can feed the negative. Gawd the two of you are stubborn. This isn't a one way street that she's stubborn and the only problem in your marriage.
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Next time she has a shower and walks by you, sniff the air and tell her, "Hmm, you smell really good!" Or when she is wearing her favourite perfume, comment on how nice she smells. Bring her flowers once in a while with a little card saying "Just because I love you."
Storyrider Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I don't think forced compliments build self-esteem either in children or adults. In the 70s when I was growing up, there was a strong trend to link compliments and ego boosts to self-esteem. There were even commercials on PBS with a little jingle that said, "The most important person in the world is you." Pretty weird. Self-esteem comes from working toward things you care about and succeeding at them. However, some people do want love expressed in a certain way. There is a book about this, "The Five Languages of Love," which I actually haven't read, but people have summarized it for me. According to this book, some people need "words of affirmation" to feel loved. but in my opinion, compliments must be sincere or they mean nothing. So you would have to start thinking more about what you truly appreciate about her and being aware of that, rather than just spouting empty compliments. That would require you to change your outlook and thought patterns and to "see" her differently. Everyone is different on this. For me, if someone is sharp and sarcastic in a way that shows they truly know me, that feels more loving than any half-*ssed compliment. It all depends on the individual.
quankanne Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 It feels so contrived and I feel like I'm married to a little girl at times. How can I compliment someone whom I've lost so much respect for and intimacy with? it's simple: Just take note when she does something that's pleasing to you (something she's wearing, something she's done, something she's doing) and be spontaneously honest about it: That perfume smells really nice on you; I've always loved your smile; thank you for making me laugh, I really needed it just now; that thing you did with the pork chops? It was awesome. those little things show her that you're aware of her or the things she does and it makes her feel good about herself. Well, it'd make just about ANYone feel good about themselves! His W is a cold, self-obsessed and abusive woman, who demands but does nothing in return. The deal here is that she stops abusing Lanky so much if he "treats her like a queen". Sorry - but no one should have to PAY someone (in compliments or however) to get them to stop abusing you. They should simply not do it and if they won't stop, you make them by walking away. :laugh: O the irony that the negative comments are posted by someone who's a third wheel in a relationship ...
Lizzie60 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Compliments are extremely important in a relationship... I would say that it is 'food' for relationship... without any it dies...IMO I need to hear that I am beautiful, nice, great lover.. you name it.. all the time.. or else I get bored... The only thing is that if you've been married for 10+ years and never complimented much.. you just can't start overnight to shower your partner with compliments.. Go slowly... be sincere.. or at least look like you are... Slow but sure. Sorry guys... but women (most) need compliments...
Author LankyGuy Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 OK, thanks for the tips. Yeah, OWoman and others are aware of the issues in the relationship. My wife has become very needy and we are in a rough patch. I'm trying to assess the relationship and see where it can go...at this point it's either way. Trialbyfire, you're right. I have become stubborn...I'm so tired that I feel like I'm drifting through the relationship at times. Maybe I'm starting to check out...I don't know. I'm sure I am part of the problem... It may also be that I don't feel "it" anymore. But I was curious about the compliments...I'm naive since I've been in this relationship since I was a kid. She says she needs them, but the way she fishes for them is a real turnoff. She does want them for things like her painting skills...she wants them for anything that she does that's outside of the norm. It's fine. I just need to start thinking of doing it more, then maybe that will make her more happy. We're at a point in our relationship right now where it's hard to do things like that...due to the negative dynamic. We'll see if compliments help turn it more positive... Thanks!
Nemo Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 ...due to the negative dynamic. Wow... you use such cool words. Even if they are kind of negative. I like your style.
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Trialbyfire, you're right. I have become stubborn...I'm so tired that I feel like I'm drifting through the relationship at times. Maybe I'm starting to check out...I don't know. I'm sure I am part of the problem... It may also be that I don't feel "it" anymore. Then stop fighting it. Go with this and see if she lays down part of her arms too. A couple of friends of mine went through a rough patch, a few years ago. One would snap, the other would snap back, of course it always escalated. Finally, one day, she told him that things have to change, or she was gone. She came home that night from work and he had written her a letter. The letter was full of apology, that he loved her dearly and desperately wanted their marriage to work. She fully laid down her arms and so did he. Since that day, the two have been the happiest couple I know. You can either make your marriage a statistic or a love story. Ask your wife which one she wants.
SYRACUSE03 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Then stop fighting it. Go with this and see if she lays down part of her arms too. A couple of friends of mine went through a rough patch, a few years ago. One would snap, the other would snap back, of course it always escalated. Finally, one day, she told him that things have to change, or she was gone. She came home that night from work and he had written her a letter. The letter was full of apology, that he loved her dearly and desperately wanted their marriage to work. She fully laid down her arms and so did he. Since that day, the two have been the happiest couple I know. You can either make your marriage a statistic or a love story. Ask your wife which one she wants. I wish I wasn't a statistic...oh well...maybe next time around.
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I wish I wasn't a statistic...oh well...maybe next time around. I have the same wish but I can't gauge what happened in my marriage against what LankyGuy is experiencing. Some things are non-negotiables for some people, like infidelity. This isn't the case for LankyGuy, although if the two don't fix this soon, they're headed in that direction.
allina Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 It sounds like your wife is feeling very vulnerable right now (for whatever reason, I don't know your past history) She's telling you what she needs and you should listen, it looks like she's in need of reinforcement. She may be feeling unloved and unattractive. Simple things like telling her she makes a delicious (whatever she made for you) or that she looks beautiful can go a long way.
SYRACUSE03 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I have the same wish but I can't gauge what happened in my marriage against what LankyGuy is experiencing. Some things are non-negotiables for some people, like infidelity. This isn't the case for LankyGuy, although if the two don't fix this soon, they're headed in that direction. I completely agree. Of course we cannot compare our individual circumstances to his. As for infidelity, it's 100% non-negotiable in my book. Worst feeling in the world, no matter how difficult your marriage was at the time.
Author LankyGuy Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 She came home that night from work and he had written her a letter. The letter was full of apology, that he loved her dearly and desperately wanted their marriage to work. She fully laid down her arms and so did he. Since that day, the two have been the happiest couple I know. I actually wrote a letter like this when I first started posting here in September. The letter was received well, but mainly with "I'll believe it when I see it" and "I hope this isn't just about sex." She wouldn't lay down her arms. She held onto the resentment and refused to get close. The week following that letter was a rough one, with lots of screaming etc, and it made me really start to question things and I started to build resentment. Now, I need to let that resentment go or we can't move forward.
Author LankyGuy Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Wow... you use such cool words. Even if they are kind of negative. I like your style. :-) Thanks....
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I actually wrote a letter like this when I first started posting here in September. The letter was received well, but mainly with "I'll believe it when I see it" and "I hope this isn't just about sex." She wouldn't lay down her arms. She held onto the resentment and refused to get close. The week following that letter was a rough one, with lots of screaming etc, and it made me really start to question things and I started to build resentment. Now, I need to let that resentment go or we can't move forward. Have you discussed this issue with her? That this caused some serious resentment with you?
OWoman Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 His W is a cold, self-obsessed and abusive woman, who demands but does nothing in return. The deal here is that she stops abusing Lanky so much if he "treats her like a queen". Sorry - but no one should have to PAY someone (in compliments or however) to get them to stop abusing you. They should simply not do it and if they won't stop, you make them by walking away. :laugh: O the irony that the negative comments are posted by someone who's a third wheel in a relationship ... No, by someone whose partner walked away from his abusive relationship to be with me. There is no "third wheel" in our relationship - just the two of us
Kasan Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Why is it, when one person in a relationship calls truce, the other can't believe it? It just takes time LankyGuy. About the compliments, here is my take on it. Compliments are free, don't cost you anything and make the other person feel like they are so appreciated. You can bet that I complimented my husband yesterday when he was putting the floor down in the dining room, when he could have spent Sunday watching football. By the same token, he complimented me when I was staining the back deck, which in my opinion was a good thing, because if he didn't it probably would have been the last time that I did this. Everyone wants to feel appreciated and loved, even if the relationship is dysfunctional. You would be surprised how many times the wind is taken out of somebody's sails when you say, "you know, I really appreciated it when you did......"
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