Sashy Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I am in regular contact with the person I love. The last time we had 'the talk', he said he'd like a friendship, but isn't ready for anything more. We have known each other 2 years now. Everytime we meet (we are long-distance), we have been close. It almost seems like (when we are close), a part of him wants to go further, but another part stops him. It is exhausting for me to analyze now. It is not that we broke up because of no chemistry or even because he found someone else. I have gone crazy analyzing, and now I try not to. It has been really hard on me being in touch, but I have not had the guts to break off contact. I did try in-between for 4 days because I needed Some resolution but it somehow did not feel right so I broke my own word. He initiates almost all the calls, virtually everyday. Sometimes I call him. We talk as friends. It used to be that I would talk about my feelings, and how much I miss him, and ask him about whether he feels anything? and would initiate talking about "us", but nowadays I try to steer clear of those topics. Mostly because I can see he gets uncomfortable. I really don't want to spoil the goodwill thing we have going. It is tough on me, in this situation, because I am quite involved. I invariably end up thinking about him all day long. He is already a part of me. His call is the one bright spot in my day. And it is hard to keep my expectations in check. I want nothing more than the chance to be with him. I have had long periods of time in-between where I literally "waited" for him, and chose to never date others. I was reading this book "how to get your lover back"....and in that, I was confused about a particular point. She says to love the person quietly from a distance, BUT, to also move on with your life, including dating others. I really did not understand that point well. If we are choosing to love one person, doesn't dating someone else, go Against the idea of loving that one person? My Points of concerns are.....: 1. I am not being fair to the date because he has no idea I love someone else and will literally go back to my love, if he shows interest to be with me. 2. What if my date starts to like me? Situation can get Very complicated. This has happened to me in the past, and I am scared now. 3. Casual dating, to just pass time and have a good time, does not sound right to me. 4. The fact that I am STILL in touch with my love, will complicate things. Somehow, I have had a hard time frankly telling my love, that I am dating someone else. It is asif I am feeling guilty doing that. IF my love gets to know I am going out with someone else, won't he have second thoughts about whether I truly still love him? He might think I am not being sincere in my love? I know he has no right to Expect my sincerity since he knows he was the one who let me go, BUT...if my goal to BE with the guy I love....then am I not defeating the whole purpose of my love....by dating others? If someone can shed light...on this kind of a situation, it'd be great. Because I am really struggling with how to handle this correctly. On the one hand I want to be with my guy. On the other hand, I don't want to just put my personal life "on hold". But then, I don't want to be fooling the guy I am dating too. I know my love for my guy will not be decreasing. What then am I supposed to do here..... How do I handle loving him from far, and yet, getting to know someone else? The idea itself is so contradictory.... My conscience isn't fully allowing this..
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 On the one hand I want to be with my guy. On the other hand, I don't want to just put my personal life "on hold". But then, I don't want to be fooling the guy I am dating too. I know my love for my guy will not be decreasing. What then am I supposed to do here..... You need both hands. You can't juggle a relationship - you need to hold on to it firmly with all you've got. Choose. In fact, there's really only one choice. A relationship takes two, and you're one short.
flosslight Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I do not think being in love with someone and dating others is that complicated. It really depends on what dating you want to do. To casual date, you have to let yourself be okay with casual dating which does not have to equate with casual sex. What is not right with going out with someone to play or movie that you want to see? One of the problems with casual dating is if you lead the other person on. I would think in this situation, casual dating would be better than serious. You have emotions tied up with someone else so it would be unfair to get in a relationship where someone expects you to be emotionally involved I come from the point of view that it is okay to love more than one person so maybe that makes it easier for me. I'm still in love with my ex but I want love from someone who is willing to love me back. Casual dating can show you that is nice to be with someone who wants to hang out with you. Maybe it will lead to something serous, but more importantly it might give you more perspective on exactly what you have with this guy that you are in love with.
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Casual dating can show you that is nice to be with someone who wants to hang out with you. Maybe it will lead to something serous, but more importantly it might give you more perspective on exactly what you have with this guy that you are in love with. Good point.
Author Sashy Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 Thanks all for your views.. flosslight, does't every serious dating start out as casual? Or do people like to discuss it upfront before seeing each other, what they are looking for? Are there people who are Only looking for casual dates? I.e. not wanting to get serious at all, even if there is potential. Maybe I am not understanding what casual date really is. How should I make sure I am not leading someone on? Eg. suppose I had a nice first date with someone, and he asks me out a second time. Is that the right time to say, that I am in love with someone else, and I don't want to get involved and hurt us both? If I do choose to go out on that second date, will I be leading him on? Am I supposed to let me dates know about this other guy I love. It seems like dating will only complicate things.
Lee725 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Wow Sashy, i really dont know that you are doing yourself any justice by loving this man. We cant control who we love (i know that), but you loving him the way you are you are barricading yourself into a shell that not even mr. right is going to break through. If this guy was Mr. Right you would be with him already. I must say though i do admire your commitment to loving him. overall it may be better for you to stay away from dating full stop. Dating itself seems to raise so many questions in your mind that i dont think you would be able to enjoy it at all. does't every serious dating start out as casual? Or do people like to discuss it upfront before seeing each other, what they are looking for? In my experience, Most do start out casual without expectations. Are there people who are Only looking for casual dates? I.e. not wanting to get serious at all, even if there is potential. Maybe I am not understanding what casual date really is. Yes, some people look for casual dates, but in those there are a portion who are looking for "casual sex" too. Casual dating is meeting with someone, (or a few different people), chatting and seeing if there is something there IE: Chemistry, in order to establish whether it is worth investgating a union further. Some people consider casual dating as just one or two off events to socialize without the expectation of further encounters. How should I make sure I am not leading someone on? By Not dating them. You know how you feel, you have admitted that this is not going to change. You have to change your perspective before you will be able to sit down opposite someone who may see potential in you without you leading them on. Even if you do meet someone who you like and want to see further you will have to careful of not using them as a rebound. You love this guy like you are with him, therefore the possibility of you rebounding is pretty high. Eg. suppose I had a nice first date with someone, and he asks me out a second time. Is that the right time to say, that I am in love with someone else, and I don't want to get involved and hurt us both? In your situation, i would say this before the first date. Let them decide if they would like to spend time with you and develop a "friendship" - there is nothing wrong with that. So long as they are aware from the start that you are not in a position to commit to anything then they should have no complaint. Dont be surprised tho if they wont date you - Many will not look at an wonderful woman with eyes for "friendship", they will want more. If I do choose to go out on that second date, will I be leading him on? Am I supposed to let me dates know about this other guy I love. It seems like dating will only complicate things It is only as complicated as you make it. I can see 3 choices for you here (just in my little mind). 1) you stay committed to person A, in the hopes that SOMEDAY he will turn to you and say "i want to be with you", this means waiting and holding your life and needs for who knows how long. 2) Breaking free from person A, as hard as it will be and giving yourself time to recover before getting back out there, to meet someone who wants to be with you now and can offer you the love and support you deserve. 3) Dating, but telling people straight off the bat, that you are in love with someone else, you can not offer them more than a friendship and seeing how they respond to that. Hopefully Mr. Right will be in this group and he will sweep you off your feet, (you wont rebound on him), and you will live "happily ever after". Good luck with this one, i dont know if my little perspective has been of any use, but there it is
Author Sashy Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks Lee.. I appreciate your response to all of the doubts that I had. It has made some things very clear. You are right, the very fact that dating is raising so many questions, it is probably not the right thing to do at all this time. And if I do go ahead, I will let them know right from the very beginning. So there are no expectations. Since I don't meet people in a natural way in my regular life, the only other way is to go to an online dating site. It just feels so wrong to do that, knowing how much I love this person. U r right, I simply cannot enjoy the process. I really am afraid of time passing away and me being left in the lurch, while he gets with another woman. There is a protective me who wants to shield me from that hurt and wants me to go out and date people. I am not at all getting any younger. Unless I am truly honest with the one I love and the one I am 'dating', I don't think I can be in peace. But, I have a feeling, that being in that situation, I will actually be destroying my relationship with not only my date, but the one I love too. The guy I love might start thinking I am moving on, and he will not even come out with his feelings, even if he has them. I know he is that kind, who will let me go, if he feels I am with someone else. I am perhaps making this complicated. But this is what I get for keeping things muddy. The right way would have been to lose contact with the guy I love and keep things simple. I think the fact that I am in everyday touch with him is what is keeping me hooked to him, but with no returns. Plus, ironically, he is the one who calls, which makes it even more strange. He will be moving countries in 2 weeks - going back home. He was on a project here in the US. I have a feeling that everyday calls are going to stop, and he will be calling much less often once he is there. Perhaps the distance will lessen the involvement. If he were my bf, I'd have asked him how often he'd call, and how often we'd talk, but in this case, I am leaving it completely to his comfort. The last time he made such a trip, I had felt abandoned and I had freaked out which perhaps freaked HIM out and kept his distance from me. Those 8 months were torture. I was onlycrying for him all the time, not even going out with anyone else, even though he'd never call me. It was only when he returned to the US, that he started calling regularly. So this time, I am going to play it cool and not expect anything. I have gotten used to his elusiveness.
CalamitousJane Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Yes to everything Lee says! I'm struggling with the same thing - very strong feelings toward someone who can't commit to being my partner. A couple months ago I was exactly where you are. Way too hung up on my ex to feel right about leading someone else on. I want to find a real life-partner. My ex says he does too, and he said that at this time he didn't think that partner was me. So my only choice, for the good or BOTH of us was to limit contact with him. Like you, my daily hour-long talk with him had been the high point of my day. That would have been fine if he were my partner/mate - but not it's not appropriate if he's just my "friend".If he doesn't want to be my real partner, I need to find someone else to be the high point of my day. Hard as it was, I asked him for a month with no contact. During that month I cried and ached for him every day. It was hell, but toward the end I started to feel a tiny bit more stable, and I started to notice attractive men and wonder "what ir...?" It's been nearly two months now, and the feeling of desperate need is much less. I've been responding when he initiates contact, but my boundaries are much different. At first after he contacted me he was very polite and respectful, but then he started calling at odd hours, kinda checking up on me I guess. Today he called and unloaded on me rudely - interrupting and cutting me off as in the old days, even though I was doing my best to be supportive. I had an hour of pain after that, but that's it. I'm not quite "dating", but I am making and keeping strong connections with other people. Today I was having an intense and rewarding discussion with a different friend, who may or may not be a potential romantic partner, and that was much more my "high point" than my stressful conversation with the ex. Right now I feel like the playing field of my heart is level. On the off chance that the ex can get it together and get back in the game, he's got as good a shot as anyone of scoring a goal. He'd better get his act together quick though, cuz he's not looking like such a strong player right now.... Good luck to you Sashy - it;s tough as hell, but I think you already know what you need to do.
CalamitousJane Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 He will be moving countries in 2 weeks - going back home. He was on a project here in the US. I have a feeling that everyday calls are going to stop, and he will be calling much less often once he is there. Perhaps the distance will lessen the involvement. . My ex is back in Europe and I'm in the US. Between VOIP and Skype we managed to stay in daily touch without major phone bills. I walk around with as much awareness of the time of day there as I have of the time of day here! In fact the distance seemed to intensify the connection. Safer, maybe. At any rate, you can't count on external circumstances to bail you out of limbo. You need to do it yoursefl.
sedgwick Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 "His call is the one bright spot in my day." I think this is the biggest issue in the whole post. You can't look to someone else to make you happy. That's up to you. Work on this and the rest will follow.
flosslight Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I totally agree with Sedgwick! I was going to tell you that you were right and serious dating does start with casual dating first when I realized something about my definitions. In my mind, casual dating is dating just to have fun and not getting into a serious relationship. I'm with you in some ways. I do not want a serious relationship at this point even if there is potential for more. I just want someone to go out with me and maybe make out with me. So, casual dating equals no serious relationship. Dating on the other hand is entering a situation while letting yourself think that if things do click, then there is possibility for more. I do not think you should tell someone that you are about to date, "I cannot get serious with you because I'm in love with someone else". That would be too intese. It is also rather personal which that person does not need to know that about you. When I said leading a person on, I meant you want to be casual and know that they want a serious relationship, but you keep on dating them. If you want to tell the person you are about to date that you do not want a serious relationship at all, that would be cool. They do not need to know why. They are suppose to be for fun and then you stop dating them when it stops being fun. I also agree with others though. If you are not ready to date, then do not. I just do not think it is fair to limit yourself in the hopes that this love will come back. I like what others have said. If he loves you, then he will try to be with you. I may be a romantic but I like the idea of someone trying to move mountains to be with me because they love me. I would not expect your love to tell you he loves when you are in a serious relationship. On the other hand, he does not need to know that you are casual dating. If he does know, it should not make a difference in him trying to be with you because you went to the movies or ice skating with a date.
s4dia Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 This guy is definitely interested in you. It sounds like he might have another person he is involved with and not telling you. It sounds like the other person is the one not getting it. Sometimes, relationships become complicated when someone is not following the same program. It sounds like you are both following the same program. Your are willing to accept the fact he is not being a real guy, like your dates. You can feel comfortable sharing time with someone and enjoy them. Isn't this what your friend is doing to you, why then do you feel so obligated to others. Love and be loved.
Author Sashy Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 "His call is the one bright spot in my day." I think this is the biggest issue in the whole post. You can't look to someone else to make you happy. That's up to you. Work on this and the rest will follow. I agree sedgwick.... I agree. It does not even sound healthy....in a way. I am supposed to having lots of other interests and real meaning and fulfillment going on in other areas of my life....that I should feel happy about. I don't know - am I depressed? Or is this a normal feeling in such a situation. If my love were returned.....I would feel so much normal and healthy! I have always been the most calm and balanced person in a relationship where I feel loved. But in this situation, I feel I am not even half as good! It is sad and real ironical, that the person I love is gettng to see this unhappy side of me. Perhaps the very reason that I am making him my source of happiness is what is pushing him away. He had even mentioned one day that "I don't want to be respondible for your happiness". That had kinda hit home.....and it made sense...and yet, I felt, it is Natural to be happy in a relationship BECOZ of our partner. Yeah, I also know I need to have my own inner store of happiness regardless..... I am working on it. Sigh......
Author Sashy Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Hi flosslight....thanks for clarifying a lot of things. Hm.... yeah.. it makes sense. I guess at this stage, I am really not mentally ready to go out with anyone, even though I am aching to make something happen in my life! It is such a sad situation to be in. To feel stuck like this. Gradually, I think a casual date won't be too bad....I would just need to know how to handle it all, not just with my casual date, but with the guy I love. I think part of my fear is my fear of handling things well. I don't have enough trust in me that I will handle things well. I am so afraid to make a mistake, and mess it all up! The fact remains...that I don't want to lose the person I love. Until he clearly has a serious GF, or, gets married, there is no denying that my hopes will remain. It just feels like I have such a long way to go. He is young..... and he said he is not in any hurry for either a relationship with anyone, or even getting married. That it will easily take maybe 2 more years before he even thinks of such a thing. I don't know.....how long I will be in this situation. The fact that he wants to be friends, makes things more complicated..... since, I could Always mistake his friendship and care for love...... I totally agree with Sedgwick! I was going to tell you that you were right and serious dating does start with casual dating first when I realized something about my definitions. In my mind, casual dating is dating just to have fun and not getting into a serious relationship. I'm with you in some ways. I do not want a serious relationship at this point even if there is potential for more. I just want someone to go out with me and maybe make out with me. So, casual dating equals no serious relationship. Dating on the other hand is entering a situation while letting yourself think that if things do click, then there is possibility for more. I do not think you should tell someone that you are about to date, "I cannot get serious with you because I'm in love with someone else". That would be too intese. It is also rather personal which that person does not need to know that about you. When I said leading a person on, I meant you want to be casual and know that they want a serious relationship, but you keep on dating them. If you want to tell the person you are about to date that you do not want a serious relationship at all, that would be cool. They do not need to know why. They are suppose to be for fun and then you stop dating them when it stops being fun. I also agree with others though. If you are not ready to date, then do not. I just do not think it is fair to limit yourself in the hopes that this love will come back. I like what others have said. If he loves you, then he will try to be with you. I may be a romantic but I like the idea of someone trying to move mountains to be with me because they love me. I would not expect your love to tell you he loves when you are in a serious relationship. On the other hand, he does not need to know that you are casual dating. If he does know, it should not make a difference in him trying to be with you because you went to the movies or ice skating with a date.
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