Indiscretions/Guilt & the right thing to do

[marriedandsad]

Dean,

The whole painful intercourse deal....I know EXACTLY how your wife feels. I have a LOT of pain during and after sex...I tense up and don't produce enough "Lubrication". I finally talked to a doctor about this and she asked me if I had ever been raped or molested. The answer was yes to both. Our minds mend, our bodies don't. I may have gotten past that all, but my body still connects sex with trauma. So she gave me some tips. Try to relax as much as humanly possible. Full body massage, lots of kissing...you name it. Find out what turns her on, could be doing little things like drawing her a bubble bath, cooking her dinner, bringing home a bottle of wine just for the two of you later...you name it. Make it an all day event. Send the kids off somewhere for the day and make it a day of no distractions. When my husband and I finally did this...I can tell you what, it was AMAZING and totally revved up my non-existent sex drive. It still hurts a little...but nowhere near as much as it did. Was your wife the one on BC or anti-depressants? If so, I can tell you, some of them do deplete your sex drive. Just google them and you get the full list of side effects. Decreased Libido is a side effect with a vast majority.

 

Now the weight thing. I can't remember...how many children do you have? I've been pregnant THREE times in the past 3 years. My body is nowhere near what it was when I met my H in college. I used to model, now I hate being seen naked. Asking your wife to work out is a sure fire way to reduce any chance you have of having an intimate relationship with her. That is one thing you NEVER talk about with your wife/gf if it's a sensitive issue for them....weight. We are already self-conscious enough as it is. I still don't believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful. All I see is fat in all the wrong places and the numbers on the scale. If she seems to withdraw when you mention weight...DROP IT.

 

I cheated on my husband....the OM and I just kissed, nothing more. But I can tell you, my H may say he has forgiven us, but when he looks at me...I still see it in his eyes. Your wife knows you're with other women...I can guarantee it. All she has to do is look at you and she knows. How can you give her 100% of your attention if you're sleeping with other women? You can't. It seriously needs to stop. And perhaps she has given you permission to sleep around because she feels as if it's the only way to keep you...to let you do whatever you want so you'll stay in the marriage.

[shaggyspup]

Dean,

 

Well, your story has many similarities to mine. I also had a marriage with two children I was just "skating" along in. Sex was gone, excitement was gone. She wasn't interested and as a result, neither was I. She had put on a LOT of weight through the two kids and refused to even try to take it off. She is a wonderful mom... and we also did things as a family and everything was fine. We were two friends raising two children.

 

Many people mention the kids have radar... but I will admit that in our case, I don't think they saw the problem. It was isolated to our bedroom, because we almost never argued.

 

My emotional friend became even more... a family friend that was similarly disconnected from her husband. The difference with them was that they were arguing and it was evident. When we found our common ground and talked more and more, we connected and eventually our affair began. I talked about leaving my wife, but we thought what you are thinking... I am going to stay for the kids... it's better for them. We both agreed this was better.

 

Well, it was better... until. Until we were caught. Then it suddenly didn't seem like such a great idea. Because this was a family friend, the implications rumbled through our circle of friends. Most of them don't speak to either of us as we have been banished like lepers. The divorces were difficult and bitter.

 

We live together now and are very happy in our relationship, the bad stuff is mostly behind us... but the loss of our friends is the price we paid. Our kids cope with us but aren't interested in doing things with us together. They are all late teens. So, we basically do things on our own with the kids... for instance I am taking my boys skiing this weekend, but she won't join us.

 

These things have happened this way because we chose to hang in there for the kids. It is just not the right reason. I believe now that the kids must be separated from the equation. I know its hard. But you just have to.

 

You have to determine for yourself once and for all... do I want to be with this woman for the rest of my life? Figure that out before you do any more damaging acts. Then go forward with your decision. If it is to stay with your wife... then be happy with her. Work with her. Be completely open with her. If you decide it isn't meant to be with her, then its time to go before you do damage that is much worse than you can imagine.

 

Lessons learned through life experiences are very hard to communicate. Its hard to make you understand how what I have learned and felt over the last couple of years. But I hope you trust me that you need to be sure of what you are doing and do it.

 

Good luck to you...

[StillSame]

Dean, are you going to continue with the guilt or are you coming clean with your wife?

[child_of_isis]

No wonder she doesn't want to have sex.

 

It sounds as if you are leaving her high and dry then blaming her for being "frigid".

 

I became increasingly frustrated with my wife's not wanting sex. She sometime tries to please me but I have not been able to finish having sexual relations with her.

 

[the_dean]

You guys are just going to have to take my word for this. I have tried everything with my wife sexually. We have done extended foreplay, purchased accessories, tried long massages, getaways to exotic locations, etc. She simply does not enjoy sex and the desire is not there. This is not something that has changed.

 

I mention this only because once in a bluemoon, she will offer oral and say "she is not in the mood." However, he majority of the time she wants nothing to do with sex.

 

She was not molested as a kid and/or ever raped. She had very few partners before we were married and she never really enjoyed sex. She has been to the doctor and the doctor recommended a type of lubricant which never helped. It is very hard for me to have intercourse with her if I know she not getting anything out of it and I am always worried I am hurting her. We do talk while we try but at some point, it takes the fun out of it. It seems more like a medical procedure than an enjoyable act.

 

As for suggesting never to ask someone to work out -- I completely disagree. I had gained weight too during our marriage and my wife wanted me to lose weight and I did. I am sorry but that is a cop out. She needs to exercise if for nothing else to help her deal with stress as she cannot do it now. I am also concerned from a medical standpoint. She is really getting obese and her mother had a history of cancer. This is not a good combination. Also, I truly believe who workout and try to keep their weight down feel better about themselves. No one expects their spouse to be a super model. However people should try to stay reasonable so they feel confident.

 

I can tell you that at one point, I put on about 40lbs more than my "normal" weight. I felt horrible about myself. I was embarrassed and my wife always felt that way too. My problem is she did lose weight after having our 2nd but then just gained the weight before my EA or any of that happened. Once she gave up her membership at the gym, she became a different person. She became very stressed, short fused, and very "bitchy" for lack of a better word.

 

I am a firm believer that people need to find a balance between emotional, physical, and spiritual.

 

Dean

[Computers]

Are you going to tell your wife the whole truth or are you going to keep the guilt inside forever?

[the_dean]

Are you going to tell your wife the whole truth or are you going to keep the guilt inside forever?

 

Undecided. I have been talking to my wife every night now. I did explain that I am having a real hard time with virtually zero sex for her and she said she understood 100%.

 

If I think we can work things out with my wife and she doesnt want to here about an extramaritial affair then I will live with the guilt to do the best thing.

 

I am pretty much over the guilt. The call girl is very nice and very good at sex which is why she can be outrageouly priced but although she still wants to meet with me (no charge) to talk and such, I am just going to stay away from here.

 

I can separate sex from caring no problem. I cannot deal with myself being emotionally involved with another woman and tell her things I should only be able to discuss with my wife.

 

Dean

[Computers]

Undecided. I have been talking to my wife every night now. I did explain that I am having a real hard time with virtually zero sex for her and she said she understood 100%.

 

What does that mean? I she going to start giving you sex 3 times a week or "I am sorry" and then do nothing?

 

 

she still wants to meet with me (no charge) to talk and such.

 

Why would she want to do that? Is she falling for you? Are you that georgous?

[the_dean]

What does that mean? I she going to start giving you sex 3 times a week or "I am sorry" and then do nothing?

 

 

 

 

Why would she want to do that? Is she falling for you? Are you that georgous?

 

The first part means she understands how I can be frustrated with next to zero sex.

 

No, I am just your aveage middle aged guy. I dont think she is falling for me but she enjoys my company and wants to be friends. It is kind of hard for me to get past what she does for a living regardless of multiple degrees, etc.

[the_dean]

We are going to get DIVORCED.

 

Tonight was the final straw. I have had a seriously injured disc for several years now. I have to take some strong narcotics in order to control the pain. It has been acting up the last two days. I told my wife I cannot handle the flight this coming Monday. She got all mad (she would not go with me) and said since I spent the money I should do, etc. I cant even walk now and the money was all coming from my busienss account which is separate from our personal checkings, savings, etc.

 

I have asked her to get some stress management or work with anger issues which she has always had. She gets mad when I ask her to do that calmly.

 

I simply cannot go to Cancun at a time when my back is acting up. It is roughly 6 hours on a plane each way and at the moment, I can hardly walk.

 

I had asked my wife to come along originally but she didnt wont to leave our kids with family. She said we all should go. I was going to do that but now even 3 year olds need passports and the expedited passport process can take an unreasonably long amount of time.

 

I just cannot take her blowing up on me when I talked very calm an rational.

 

After she kept going on, the worst thing I said is that "I feel like it is heartless for you get irate with me when I am in so much pain and part of the trip was for business."

 

Anyways, I am not irrational right now. I am a bit upset because of more of the same.

 

This marriage simply was not meant to be. The marriage counsler who said we were not compatible was absolutely right.

 

I now have a week where I am supposed to be out of town. I can use this week to get with my attorney.

 

This is so hard to do but I know inside me the divorce is the only reasonable thing to do.

 

I want to see if we can work it our reasonably. I am fine with splitting everything down the middle and paying child support. I am sure my attorney will advise on my next courses of action and to get the paperework starte for the separation.

 

I am going to do everything in my power to try and make the divorce as agreeable as possible.

 

Dean

[Computers]

How is her reaction to your divorce request?

[the_dean]

How is her reaction to your divorce request?

 

We have discussed it before. Last night her reaction was anger but she was already mad. I will see how it goes over the weekend. I suspect she will be irate all weekend.

 

The key is going to be to see how she reacts after I get with my attorney and all the official paperwork.

 

Dean

[the_dean]

Also, I can find a lot of info on divorce online but does anyone have a link of some of the better articles to read about what to expect while in the process of divorcing.

 

Thanks,

Dean

[OWoman]

Also, I can find a lot of info on divorce online but does anyone have a link of some of the better articles to read about what to expect while in the process of divorcing.

 

Thanks,

Dean

 

depends where you are - each country has its own laws and processes. Insidedivorce is a good site with info on the legal, financial, emotional and practical stuff, but the laws may be different in your country.

[the_dean]

Sorry guys but I was posting out of frustation and anger. We have sinced had a long talk and my wife has agreed to try MC and be open and honest.

 

The argument did some good as it lead to better conversations once we both had level heads.

 

I will continue to think about the situation while out of the country next week and then we are going to find a marriage counselor to see if he can help get all the issues out in the open.

 

Dean

[OpenBook]

I will continue to think about the situation while out of the country next week

 

I take it your back is better, then...

[the_dean]

I take it your back is better, then...

 

I called my MD and wrote me a stronger RX. I have to take a slow release morphine until my surgery but it only works about 16 out of 24 hours. The doctor gave me some immediate relief pain medication for the times when the Morphine Sulfate has worn off.

 

I really should have not made that post. I was really in pain and very frustrated and angry at the time.

 

I guess I posted as sort of a catharsis.

 

Anwyays, I can leave with better feelings about everything.

 

Dean

[the_dean]

At this point, my main question is whether I am going to tell my W about the escort. I am going to bring up the PA. I know this isnt much silver lining but I shyed away from emotional affairs due to guilt. I really dont have much over PA considering my situation.

 

My current frame of mind is get EVERYTHING out in the open and then see if we can deal with it.

 

If I dont tell her about the PA, it may keep me from feeling like i can start over. I may leave out the part about the escort though. The fact that I had a PA should be enough to mention. Realistically, expensive call girls are much safer from a STD standpoint as everything stays covered but the wife may not differeniate between an escort and street walker.

 

Dean

[Mr. Lucky]

At this point, my main question is whether I am going to tell my W about the escort. I am going to bring up the PA.

Her reaction aside, why is there a difference in your mind between a PA and an escort?

 

Mr. Lucky

[the_dean]

Her reaction aside, why is there a difference in your mind between a PA and an escort?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am not saying their is a diffeernce. I had a PA with an escort. However, I am afraid that will be confused with hooker. I am sorry but I do distinguish between a woman that makes 300k a year and owns other businesses than a street walker.

 

The simple truth is that most people think a prostitute is a prostitute. There are great differences. There are great differences between the overall qualities of peopple in the same profession.

 

There is just more negative connatations attached with escort. I just think my wife would have trouble with that part. She is not really going to care that I paid xxx amount of dollars as long as it wasnt a daily thing and hurt our finances.

 

However, the fact is I had an PA for the sole purpose of sex and tried to do with the most discreet (and STD free) person as possible. I dont want to drag "paid for sex" into an argument that doesnt need it.

 

I honestly felt more guilty when I had an EA. I simply had sex with a woman who was not supposed to get emotionally attached.

 

Dean

[Mustang Sally]

Seriously.

 

Please enlighten me on why the implications of your actions are different if you had a PA with a (wealthy, elite) prostitute vs a (street walking, poor) prostitute vs another woman that was not paid.

 

Really. I'm not judging or implying anything. I just would like to hear your explanation.

[schweetpea]

did you ever think your wife doesn't want sex with you cuz she's not attracted to you? she's probably getting it somewhere else too so don't beat yourself up buddy.

[StillSame]

Dean, did you tell your wife everyting? How are things going?

[the_dean]

did you ever think your wife doesn't want sex with you cuz she's not attracted to you? she's probably getting it somewhere else too so don't beat yourself up buddy.

 

I doubt it. She never liked sex even in other relationships. This is now morbidly obese by the BMI standard.

 

Anyways things have become a LOT more complicated. I will post within the next week of all that has transpired but it is a long long story with a lot of unexpected turns and twists. It would probably make a good book!

 

Dean

[the_dean]

Dean, did you tell your wife everyting? How are things going?

 

No not everything but as I stated there is a lot more to come. I have told her a lot. She has been pretty good about it. I do think we are now moving in the right direction now.

 

Dean