Indiscretions/Guilt & the right thing to do

[the_dean]

HI All,

 

I am afraid a lot of people are going to think I am a bad person from this post but I might as well be honest.

 

I have been married for almost 15 years. I have two children. My wife and I are pretty much roomates. We have been through deep talks, trying to do more activities together, and finally marriage counseling.

 

At this point, we live in peace, we get along and do things together with out children but there is no real connection. We are both so different than we were married. We dont share many common interests outside of our children. I am in the marriage for the sake of my children. I would be divorced if not for the fact that I believe the children are better off as they have two parents that love them and we really dont fight. There doesnt seem to be a point anymore. We realize that neither of us can change. Also, my wife is pretty much frgid. She has never been much for sex other than when she wanted to get pregnant. She does not enjoy sex and finds vaginal intercourse painful.

 

Now comes the really bad parts. I had an emotional affair with a woman at work about 4 years ago. We had a lot in common and worked together on a large project. She was separated from her husband waiting for the divorce to go through and working with the child custody issues. We worked on a large project together and spent a lot of time together. We started to go out to lunch and she was telling me about her divorce and what she felt before it, etc. I started talking about where I was at. To make a long story shorter, we ended up kissing one night and almost had sex. I couldnt do it. I came home and told my wife and asked for her forgiveness. She did eventually forgive me, we went to marriage counselig and things were better for about a year. However, things just got bad again and we are back to roomates who tolerate each other. We tried some trips to exotic locations which just the two of us and there just was no connecting when it was just the two of us.

 

I became increasingly frustrated with my wife's not wanting sex. She sometime tries to please me but I have not been able to finish having sexual relations with her.

 

I ended going to a very discreet and expensive escort. I have used her occassionaly for over the past 6 months. I know this sounds bad but things were better during this time. I know it is the wrong thing to do but I felt little guilt because it was just sex (with condoms) and since there was no emotional attachment, I didn't have much guilt. I take full responsibility for my actions though. I am not blaming my wifes lack of sexual responsiveness for this. I should not have done this regardless.

 

The final straw was last week. I had my monthly session with "Tiffay" and afterwords, we just talked for about 4 hours and got some dinner. I only paid for one hour so this is not the norm.

 

I am now feeling extremely guilty. I guess because I actually had some sort of real emotional experience with a very expensive call girl. I wish I would have just left.

 

I am trying to contemplate whether or not to tell my wife. She pretty much has implied that if I do anything with anyone else that she doesnt want to hear about it or know about. I didnt take that as permission.

 

The consquences of telling my wife that I was paying for an escort and started to become friends probably would destroy the marriage.

 

I am not sure what I am going to do at this point. I would appreciate any experiences other people have had. You can flame me but you cant say anything worse than what I have thought to myself over the last week.

 

Dean

[OWoman]

I am in the marriage for the sake of my children.

 

Happy children need happy parents. Parents who are sneaking off for paid sex and feeling guilty for a few hours connection after sex are not happy parents. A wife who knows she can't meet her husband's expectations of a sound marriage - in the sex and companionship areas, at any rate - is not a happy parent. A wife who knows her H has been tempted by an A but walked away at the last moment, and worries if he'll be so strong the next time, is not a happy parent. Living like that is not sustainable, and it's not good for the kids. Kids don't need fights to know if their parents are happy or not.

 

If things have really broken down beyond repair, you should end it. Have they?

[the_dean]

 

If things have really broken down beyond repair, you should end it. Have they?

 

I dont know that for sure. This is the question I have been asking myself. I do know that my children are very happy and we do things as a family. The problem is between me and my wife just the 2 of us.

 

At this point, I am going to stay quiet and thinak and never see "Tiffany" again.

 

The fact that I feel so guilty for any type of emotional connection to another woman tells me there still are deeper feelings than I realize.

 

I really do not want to end my marriage. At this point, I want to sit down with her and try to see what we can work out. I dont know whether to tell her abou the indescretions are not. She really does not want to know if I did and I wonder if that would cause more harm than good. If I use this to find a way to make our marriage better then I can live with the guilt from my own actions.

[OWoman]

I dont know that for sure. This is the question I have been asking myself. I do know that my children are very happy and we do things as a family. The problem is between me and my wife just the 2 of us.

 

At this point, I am going to stay quiet and thinak and never see "Tiffany" again.

 

The fact that I feel so guilty for any type of emotional connection to another woman tells me there still are deeper feelings than I realize.

 

I really do not want to end my marriage. At this point, I want to sit down with her and try to see what we can work out. I dont know whether to tell her abou the indescretions are not. She really does not want to know if I did and I wonder if that would cause more harm than good. If I use this to find a way to make our marriage better then I can live with the guilt from my own actions.

 

Does she know the impact it's having on you, the "lack of connection" and sexual problems? Chances are she's drifting along, thinking things are kind of OK, not realising what's going on inside you. I wouldn't advise telling her unless after speaking about how you feel - and her, about how she feels - she still doesn't see quite how big a deal it is for you. Then you may have to tell her - not necessarily that you HAVE, but that it's your only option other than walking away, if things can't change.

 

Trying to fix it is always the best start. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work but you tried. But if it does work, you'll be very glad you did, even if Tiffany has to find another source of income.

[the_dean]

Does she know the impact it's having on you, the "lack of connection" and sexual problems? Chances are she's drifting along, thinking things are kind of OK, not realising what's going on inside you. I wouldn't advise telling her unless after speaking about how you feel - and her, about how she feels - she still doesn't see quite how big a deal it is for you. Then you may have to tell her - not necessarily that you HAVE, but that it's your only option other than walking away, if things can't change.

 

Trying to fix it is always the best start. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work but you tried. But if it does work, you'll be very glad you did, even if Tiffany has to find another source of income.

 

First off, Tiffany is doing better financially than most CEOs. For whatever it is worth, selective upper scale escorts make a unbelievable amount of money and she is very well educated and had quite an impressive job for young age (lates 20s). I ony mention this because I had never been to one before and was shocked by how smart she was. I guess I see too many movies with heroin addicts, etc.

 

I am slowly telling my wife details about what I am feeling.She is pretty much agreeing that she feels us as a family are going well but us as a couple is different. She has admitted to knowing she has not satisfied sexually and says she never will. She has basically said in the past that if I need something more sexualy and act on it, then she better not find out about it.

 

Let me back up to when i had a emotional affair and came running back and telling my wife that i was tempted but couldnt do it. She did respect my honesty but was upset. It took time to get over that. We did sit down after that and each asked for several changes to be made by each person. I worked really hard and did make the changes she asked. Unfortunately, none of the changes were made by her. When I confront her with them she gets quite defensive. Her whole world is our children which is good but we still need to be a couple also..

 

I have no idea what I am going to do at this point. I am leaving the country coming up shortly for a week on part business but the majority of time I wll have in a nice environment at a nice resort. I am going to try to relax and think about things clearly. Work has been very hectic lately and I think this is a good time for me to clear my head and figure out what I want and what is best for everyone involved.

 

I do NOT want to get divorced but it may come to the point where I have to sit down with my wife and admit that if we cannot work things out better between us then we should look at divorce as an option.

 

Anyways, I am hoping to create a long list of pros and cons and changes that need to be made by both of us are face the real possibility that divorce may be the correct decision.

 

Dean

[marlena]

Dean,

 

You obviously don't want a divorce. So, what are your options?

 

a)You settle and forget your manhood.

 

b)You stay but get your needs met elsewhere

 

c)You divorce.

 

 

Personally, I don't understand people who expect their partners to stay in a marriage with no sex at all. If both people, don't need it, that's fine. But when one person does need it and the other person just overlooks this need in their partner, I call that downright selfish.

 

You are facing a dilemma. You are being forced into a decision and a very difficult one for sure. One thing I am sure of is that your wife is not going to magically change. Like you said, she is not willing to change most likely because she does not feel the need to have sex. She probably even dislikes it. Yes, there are people like that. I know quite a few.

 

Personally, I don't blame you at all for going to an escort service. You tried to salvage your marriage, gave it your best shot, talked to her, went to counseling, what else can you do? She is obviously turning a blind eys and a deaf ear to everything. Not fair on her part at all.

 

I have a cousin who every since she was young hated sex. Actually, she hated to be touched. Period. She was just wired that way. She married because her family and society expected this of her. She had two children. Her husband complains all the time that he is a NORMAL man and can't go on living like this. I always tell her that if he cheated on her I would understand. Her answer to this is that she doesn't care as long s he stays in the marriage and is a good provider for them all. Again SO SELFISH.

 

I think that even without too much perusal on your part, nature will take its course and lead you to make a decision that you are most comfortable with.

 

Marlena

[marlena]

Oh, and I agree with OW. Children need happy parents. They have built -in radars and can tune into this sort of thing. My cousin's children, both adults today, are very screwed up kids. One is chronically depressed and has a very negative outlook on life. She went to counseling and that didn't help either. She's having major relationship problems.

 

I see all this and wnat to smack my cousin.

 

AGAIN SELFISH, even where her kids are concerned.

[marlena]

Oh, and I agree with OW.

 

Children need happy parents. They have built -in radars and can tune into this sort of thing.

 

My cousin's children, both adults today, are very screwed up kids. One is chronically depressed and has a very negative outlook on life. She went to counseling and that didn't help either. She's having major relationship problems and is in fact turning into a cold fish like her mother.

 

I see all this and want to smack the sh** out of my cousin.

 

AGAIN SELFISH, even where her kids are concerned.

[Tomcat33]

I don't understand how you would expect to feel connected when you are not having sex!?!? Sex is what builds intimacy, affection and ultimately a connection. Without it you are obviously just acquaintances that like each other.

 

Your guilt with your W about the call girl is because you have emotions and you obviously care about your W, just because you are not intimate with her and have grown apart does not mean you wouldn't care about her. I am no longer in love or connected to my exboyfriends of 3, 5, 7yrs ago, but that does not mean I don't care about them if I were doing something that could potentially hurt them, I would not want to intentionally hurt them even though I am no longer in love with them or see them for more than just a distant memory. Get the point? Still this does not mean I want to be with them ever again..

 

The other thing that doesn't really surprise me is that your W is saying she will just look the other way if you do it again, she does not want to know. You'd be surprised how many women, do this. Comfortably numb seems to be a-ok for some people. If you feel you deserve to be with someone who also does not love you in a romantic way or feels excited about (because this is what it boils down to really it's not the lack of sex alone) but who just wants you by their side because it is comfortable overall and you obviously don't want a divorce then your only choice is to have sex on the side and continue in this poor excuse of a relationship you are in or accept you will never have sex/intimacy again.

 

OR

 

You could do the thing that takes a lot of guts and take the hardroad to find a truly peacful and happy way of life again. This way can't possibly be happy or peaceful for you. You have to sneak around to get some sexual attention and live in guilt because your W is not interested in having a romantic relationship with you anymore.

 

Your children deserve more than a mom who looks the other way at a man who is bedding high class hookers. If they ever were to find this out it would damage them deeply, most children don't want to ever know that their father is sleeping with prostitutes, it happens and it is a fact of life and prostitutes are no different than regular single women who sleep with a lot men but the idea that a parent is paying for sex with a call girl is one that most children can't digest and it would be devestating to grow up with that kind of scar.

 

One last thing, you say you get along fine and you live in peace but don't share common interests. Well I sense a lot of what is happening here is that your wife stopped showing you that she is excited by you. She probably doesn't dress for you, she doesn't go out of her way to make herself appealing to show you she still desires you, she does not tease you and have fun with you when you are out together and it is prob not that your common interests have changed, you probably do the exact same things you did when you first started dating but she stopped trying to show you that you excite her so you have lost touch in one and other. I can almost guarantee this for the simple fact that she refuses to have sex with you, if she is not having sex with you she is also not showing you she is excited by you. So I think in a lot of these cases where the sex is out the window the problem is a lot deeper it is not just about the sex lacking it is about her showing you that she still finds you exciting.

 

Dean when was the last time she actually thrilled you with the notion that she still finds you exciting?

Edited January 12, 2008 by Tomcat33

[Tomcat33]

We did sit down after that and each asked for several changes to be made by each person. I worked really hard and did make the changes she asked. Unfortunately, none of the changes were made by her. When I confront her with them she gets quite defensive. Her whole world is our children which is good but we still need to be a couple also..

 

 

 

Are these changes on her part having to do with her self image by any chance? did she kind of let herself go after the kids? Only reason I ask that is because you say you kept up your side of the bargain making your changes and she did not make hers and she gets defensive about it. I am assuming it is physical because otherwise on top of not wanting sex with your why would she refuse to make small changes that can benefit the marriage!?!

[justice]

First, and most importantly, you need to be completely honest with yourself. Look at yourself, your feelings and understand what you want with your life and for yourself. Secondly, as just as important, be honest with your wife. Then make your decisions based on those truths. But, never should you go outside of your marriage even though your physical needs are not being met. That isn't marriage, that's a lie. Plain and simple.

 

Don't drag this out anymore than you have to. You and your wife deserve to be happy. Don't fill up your lives with more complications and lies.

Either own up and face the facts, and really try to work on your marriage if that's what you want or leave it and give her and yourself the chance to have what you are both looking for.

 

You can never achieve perfect happiness by lying and cheating, it just won't work.

[marlena]

Dean,

 

You mentioned that you told your wife that, given the situation of your marriage, you would have to look for sex partners outside the marriage. And her reply was this:

 

She has basically said in the past that if I need something more sexualy and act on it, then she better not find out about it.

 

I take this to mean that it is OK as long as you are discreet and she never finds out. Could this be true? Is she giving you silent consent? I know a lot of women who do this. Is this why she is looking the other way? I know a lot of people who prefer to keep their heads burried in the sand than to stare reality in the face. It suits them. It is comfortable. It's avoiding conflict at all costs.

 

You say that you are tormented by guilt over seeing escorts and having one EA. It seems like you are not cut out for extra - marital affairs or escorts even (though it does get easier after you've done it enough). Some peole simply aren't. That's neither good or bad. It just is. So, that's something to consider as well. Living a life of shame and guilt is not living in the sunlight but in the darkness. Why would you want to do that to yourself? If you could do it without feeling guilt since she seems to be looking the other way, them fine. But, by your admission, the guilt is ripping you apart.

 

Having eliminated affairs and prostitutes, what's left is you either accept that you will always be sexually and,therefore, emotionally unfulfilled if you stay

 

OR

 

You take the tougher road and start a new life without your wife.

[Mustang Sally]

Interesting Story, Dean.

Thanks for sharing it.

I'll tell you upfront that I don't have much new to add to what others have already said.

 

But I feel for you.

It's a tough situation to be in when you have a "working" relationship with your spouse. Meaning that you parent and run the home together well, and can get along in a friendly manner, but you have no sexual desire/intimacy to cement you together as husband and wife instead of just two co-parenting roommates.

 

I empathize with you on this.

 

I wouldn't have gotten a paid escort... Even though I'd rather have sex with another person (who I feel hot for - physically and emotionally), I'd rather go solo than have a disconnected experience with a professional. Probably, the fact that I'm female has a lot to do with this, I'm thinking .

 

Now the EA-thing...well, I can understand this approach a lot better.

 

Anyway, I think you will have to eventually decide for yourself what you really want for your children and yourself. You don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing you are near/at mid-life. If so, then you are in the not-so-old-so-as-to-easily-resign-oneself-to-a-life-without-sexual-connectedness but also not-so-young-so-as-to-have-a-lot-of-time-to-waste-in-complacency. At least that is how I personally feel.

 

Hopefully, your upcoming trip will give you the needed time to gain the needed perspective on what is the best course of action for you.

 

I agree that children with parents who are together, but unhappy, do not necessarily have the advantage over children with parents who are separate, but happy in their own lives and respectful towards each other.

 

One thing that I think is important to think about is this: do you want your children to grow up thinking your model of marriage is the best they can do? The acceptable outcome of a life spent with another person?

 

Keep us posted with your progress.

[JosieMcCoy]

Oh,

My parents divorced and it was freakn nightmare!

But I had friends with divorced parents and it worked out ok.

 

I think every marriage and divorce is different!

Use discretion with the given advice!

 

Sex with an escort? ewwww!

[carrot10]

Hi Dean, I just wanted to give you my input from the wife's point of view. My ex husband is a great guy, good looking etc.. He loves his daughter very much but he was always busy with work or his projects or sports. He traveled for his job so he was gone alot-we were together for 15 years-married for 11. The less attention I got, the more withdrawn I got until I was completely indifferent. I threw fits to get him to get him to pay any sort of attention to me. Then I encouraged him to cheat on me because I did not want to have sex and felt bad. I know that sounds terrible but I was trying to keep my marriage together for my daughter. He never cheated on me but was insulted that I would agree to it. We were just 2 totally different people that tried so hard to fit together. I finally left in 2005-got a job, and my own place and my self esteem back. I am 110% better-too bad I wasn't like this when I was married. Does your wife have a job or anything to inspire her other than her kids? I know raising kids is the biggest most important job there is but being a stay at home mom for me wiped my self esteem out.

[the_dean]

I would like to think everyone for their advice. I did read all opinions and appreciate everyones response.

 

At this point, I have been awake for 38 hours straight. I have never had issues with insomnia but I simply cannot sleep because my mind is on too many things. Of course the marraige is the main thing.

 

I am going to try to answer some of the questions I recall. I might have answered them before but after so many responses, things can get lost in the shuffle.

 

1. I never felt much guilt with the escort until we started to become friends. I look at sex as a natural thing and the escort comes at a high price but she also comes with discretion and generally no concerns of emotional attachment.

 

2. My wife does occasionally give me some sort of sexual activitiy but to say she is going through the routine is a understatement. She has never been much for sex. The only time she really liked it was when we were trying to get her pregnant. She freely admits that vaginal sex is painful and that she is not big into sex. She says it is just who she is.

 

3. Yes my wife INSINUATED that maybe I need to find it elsewhere but did state if she found out then that would be the end of it. I do work full time but I have a great deal of flexibility wiht my time and I am smart enough to not do anything different to raise suspicision.

 

4. Someone mentioned that I believe they felt it was more likely that i get caught with a escort. I completely disagree. I dont want to go into details. However, I refuse to take off my wedding ring and pretend to be single. I already had an EA which I backed out of when I couldnt escalate it because of guilt. EA become messy for both parties involved.

 

5. Yes my wife has gained a lot of weight. I had gained weight also. We went on a diet together and she stopped. She did seem to become frustrated and make excuses that it is easier for men to lose weight. However, my request during the last talk was just for her to exercise regularly even if she didnt lose weight because she handles stress so much better and has a much better disposition.

 

I am going to take the time I have week after next to evaluate my options and weigh everything and come up with the best solution. There are of course more factors than I posted here. Lets say I decide to divorce, then custody, separation, selling of new house, etc.

 

Thanks again folks. I am afriad I just have to make a decision and go with it. There is no easy decisions and there really are no good options.

 

Dean

[whichwayisup]

Dean, go to seek some counselling to help with this stuff. We can help, but a trained therapist can help you professionally and objectively. Marriage counselling would be a good idea too as I see you do love your wife but are fed up and frustrated.

 

Let us know how things are going, keep posting.

[the_dean]

Dean, go to seek some counselling to help with this stuff. We can help, but a trained therapist can help you professionally and objectively. Marriage counselling would be a good idea too as I see you do love your wife but are fed up and frustrated.

 

Let us know how things are going, keep posting.

 

I will skip the therapist for now. The vacation will allow me to figure out what I am going to do. I think I know but this is a not a decision I want to make in a rush. Everything has to be considered.

 

If I stay and stick it out, the sex is not going to be any different and there is only so far my wife and I can go together with our very disparate views. We can do the common ground thing but there is never true happiness in a shallow relationship.

 

If I leave then the who custody thing, selling the home, being separated, etc. Will I be happier in the long run? Will it be better for my wife? The main decision is the kids.

 

if I do stick it out, do I tell her about the affair? If not then what about the guilt? It is not easy to live with regardless of a "blank check" to have an affair so to speak. And if I do tell then will that destroy the marraige?

 

The one thing I am 100% of that is point is that I cannot leave things as they are. I cannot stay married and have extramaritial affairs. Regardless of what I decide, there will be a change.

 

Dean

[Mr. Lucky]

I will skip the therapist for now. The vacation will allow me to figure out what I am going to do. I think I know but this is a not a decision I want to make in a rush. Everything has to be considered.

Simply put, you're making a mistake. A good therapist doesn't tell you what to do, they simply help you see what is best for you and the others involved. Wouldn't that be of some value in your present situation?

 

You're also kidding yourself if you think your kids don't sense and aren't affected by the tension and disconnect between you and your wife. Living under the same roof, there's no way to avoid it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sally4sara]

Did she have pain during vaginal intercourse even before the emotional affair or did that get shared with you only after the emotional affair?

 

I hear this "my wife was never really a sexual person" thing often in these threads. And then I end up wondering only one thing, so I'm going to ask....

 

Why did you get married to HER to begin with? I'm not trying to be cute here either. I just always wonder when I hear that.

[the_dean]

Simply put, you're making a mistake. A good therapist doesn't tell you what to do, they simply help you see what is best for you and the others involved. Wouldn't that be of some value in your present situation?

 

You're also kidding yourself if you think your kids don't sense and aren't affected by the tension and disconnect between you and your wife. Living under the same roof, there's no way to avoid it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry but you are making an assumption without seeing the children and how happy they are. I am not kidding myself in anyways.

 

I know how a therapist works I have went for therapy. The truth is she pretty much pointed out that I did not marry the right woman.

[Mustang Sally]

The truth is she pretty much pointed out that I did not marry the right woman.

Yikes!

 

Hmmm.

That would be tough to live with, I would think.

 

Did your wife marry the right man?

 

Seriously.

That might sound like a jab, but it's not intended that way.

 

What do you think?

[the_dean]

Did she have pain during vaginal intercourse even before the emotional affair or did that get shared with you only after the emotional affair?

 

I hear this "my wife was never really a sexual person" thing often in these threads. And then I end up wondering only one thing, so I'm going to ask....

 

Why did you get married to HER to begin with? I'm not trying to be cute here either. I just always wonder when I hear that.

 

She has always had pain with vaginal intercourse. Of course there were other thing we could do. The biggest change was after she had given birth the 2nd time. There really has been no change since the EA. She may have actually been a little happier when I told her everything and that I couldnt go through with it.

 

Why did I get marrried. We seemed to have so much in common and we "fell in love." Time can make fools of all of us. I guess I was naive enough to belief the sex would get better and that our beliefs and common interest would always be the same. I was completly wrong but hindsite is 20/20.

 

Dean

[momma3179]

I have a few questions... when you said before that you both made a deal or bargain or whatever to change things, what were they? Also, I completely understand not having sexual needs met, but what things have you tried to correct that? Have you tried to woo her; take time to make sure she's ready so that VI isn't painful? Having those things in mind, and let's say that you have completely told your W everything about how you are feeling (minus the escort escapade) and she has done the same: Then what are you wanting to do? Clean the slate and start fresh? Do you think if you two actually sit and communicate that is an option or do you think you both will hold more resentment towards each other?

I will commend you on being honest about everything thus far. Not many are as accepting of that quality. I think overall that initial honesty about the EA has scarred your wife and ultimately made her question herself. Any woman who has had self-image issues will be turned off if not happy inside and out. Especially if something like this happens within any relationship. She has probably blamed herself for not being more of what you were looking for and is probably somewhat depressed. I also think that her saying if you go elsewhere she doesn't want to know about it, was the exact opposite of what she wanted you to do. Unfortunately, she isn't very good at communicating her needs to you because some of us women out there just assume our men should know us by now... I would definitely take the week away to really think about the situation at hand. One thought would be to have said conversation beforehand so she has the opportunity to think it over as well... then when you return after you have both soul-searched and see where that takes you...

[the_dean]

Momma.

 

The 3 main things my wife wanted me to do was spend more time with the children, have certain nights for family activities, and for me to try to spend less time working. I did agree and have followed through to the letter. It did concern me that there was the whole family addressed but not US as a couple.

 

I requested that just the two of us try to spend some time talking and getitng closer (personally an intimately), for her to lose weight or at least exercise even if she does not lose weight since she handles stress poorly when she does not have a steady exercise routine. The third thing was I asked her just o be counscious of her defensiveness and try to work on it. Apparently her parents took joking a liitle too far when she was growing up. She is extremely defensive and has never sincerely apologized for anything in the last 5 - 6 years.

 

It does bother me greatly that she didnt even attempt to hold up her end of the bargain. We have discussed the fact that I have done as asked but she gets very defensive and says I should lover her for who she is and not what she looks like. I have tried to explain that I love her but she is getting obese and it honestly is hard to be sexually attracted to someone who has really let themself go. I still want to have sexual relations but she doesnt get into it. She occasionaly get involved but never with much effort.

 

I will say that she got over the emotional affair and things got better and thats when we mad committments to become closer.

 

I cannot bring up these issues anymore because she just gets mad. She also gets mad at me when I lost a lot of weight. I had gained 30 lbs twice and lost it both times in 3-4 months. This just seems to piss her off.

 

Maybe it is my approach to life but I dont believe people try to lose weight. I believe people dedicate themselves to doing it and make it happen. i also believe long heart to hear talks requesting changes should be honored also.

 

The only other thing that seems to cause an major issue is religion. We were both brought up Christian but I am more agnostic myself. Once we had kids, she became very much more into religion which I never saw the whole time we are dating. I do respect her choice but she gets made at me because of the fact I am agnostic. I believe all things are connected and I am spiritual but I dont believe any one religion is the right way.

 

I am sorry I had the emotional affair several years ago but I did get some good out of it. I got to talk to someone who was separated and we beccame good friends and I was able to see how someone else dealt with a similar situation. However, if I had it all over to do again, i would not take that path. I have to work with a lot of people and I have never had any issues having female friends. That one time it just hit closer to home.

 

The other affair was simply about sex from a woman who is very passionate about sex and sees it as about stress relief and enjoyment but with no emotional meaning since it is her job not to become emotionally attached. And yes I became friends with expesnive escort but I have not talkled to her since we went out on her dime just to get dinner and lalk about life.

 

I realize that there would be another side to this story which would be my wife's. However, I will say that I am pretty good about being unbiased and looking at the facts. I have tried to convery my faults and mistakes also.

 

And to the person who asked about trying to spice up things -- Trust me when have tried everything. Even tried bringing toys into the bedroom but wife says "That is not who I am." I guess I am really not sure who she is now.

 

Dean