Confused9 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 As many of you know from reading my threads, after my fiance cheated on me he was VERY VERY mean! Blaming me, telling me he never loved me, saying I was the biggest mistake he ever made, etc. Our relationship was normal and although we fought like a normal couple does...there were no signs that I can remember that he fell out of love with me. Once he cheated he just went off the deep end. He wouldn't talk to me over the phone and most of the communication was done via text message. He just broke up with me saying he kissed another girl and would not answer any questions I had about breaking it off, whether or not he loved me, why he was doing this, etc. He also lied and said it was just a kiss and nothing serious...now he's with her and she's pregnant! He has been away for work 1,000s of miles away so I wasn't in front of him when any of this was happening so he could run around with the OW and I had no way of knowing or finding out. And for the first month...that's what he did. Until, I heard the voicemails...then he came clean about the kiss and said it was over. I have an immediate family that is full of drug addicts, some recovering abd some not, and he even went so far as saying that I only cared about them and that's all I have so good luck with that. I would help them out when they got in trouble and throughout their recovery, like I am sure anyone would...but he NEVER EVER told me he had a problem with it till he was coming up with ways to blame me I guess? He also has a substance abuse problem and I helped him many a times too. Blaming me for trying to help my family made me really believe it was my fault. We were together for 7 years and I never ever doubted that he loved me. He was always telling me how important I was to him and always making sure I knew how proud he was to soon be my husband. Then he just snapped after he cheated and said all this mean and nasty stuff to me. Pulling himself out of our life and away from everyone he once knew. Moving to the state he was working in and basically just starting over. Not only do I need to get over the loss of my relationship, the loss of him in my life, the cheating, the lying, the life I thought I woudl have, but I also need to get over the heartless manner he treated me after he had cheated. Thrwoing me away so fast and blaming me for what he has done. That is the hardest!!! He has not spoken to anyone from back home including his best friend. He won't come back here and part of me believes is he wasn't guilty and regretful he would come home and talk to people and be proud of his new life. I sincerly believe he did not fall out of love with me but wants me to hate him because he can't stand to see the hurt he's caused and that's why he won't come back here and wouldn't even call me during this whole thing and was mean. BUT, he is running around with the OW beginning their life together, so who knows? He told me she is pregnat and I am not sure if that's true...because he's lied about a lot of stuff but I need to believe it's true, even if I don't want to. I am in full NC besides the fact I loook on his myspace page where I can see his quotes becasue the rest is private and he continues to post mean thins on there. I think he is trying to get a rise out of me and get to me to contact him because I ignored his text message a few weeks ago and he knows I look at his page and early on in this told me he posts things to get back at me??!?!? and apologized saying he woudln't do it anymore. He told me that he was mean becasue he wants to help me get over him and he can't stand the pain he's caused me. Then he says I won't do it anymore but then he does. IT just doesn't make any sense. When he came home to visit in October he treated me like crap but when he was out wiht some people form our town he walked around with tears in his eyes saying how much he loves me and couldn't believe he hurt me like he did. Saying, he messed up and will never forgive himself and saying how much he loved me. Then to me...he was an @ss. I just can't understand the meanness. Taht hurts the worst. I know I have posted about this before, but I just need advice on why he could be doing it/ did it and how to get through it. I know I need to STOP looking at his myspace. But, what else can I do? I love this man and he ruined our relationship but it sometimes feels like I did or at least he thinks I did. He is acting as if I am the one who cheated. It makes me so sad to realize that I never meant anything to him. I meant..if I did...he wouldn't be so effing mean, right? I just can't deal with that. The words just play over in my head and it stings so bad. Let me just add that my father left me when I was really young and was always an @sshole and treated me like poop. My x was really really upset about this and promised to never hurt me like my father did. He worked through a lot of walls to get me to realize how much I meant to him. He knows how much hurt I've had in my life and I think part of him can't live with being just another person in my life to hurt and disapoint me. Could this be why he left so quickly and was mean? I don't know!!! Any advice would be great!!! Thanks! confused9
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 If I were to hazard a guess, your ex is projecting his personal guilt onto you by treating you poorly. You are a constant reminder of his failure. Also, as we're all aware of on LS, cheaters will gaslight you until the cows come home. Assert yourself. Tell him he's full of manure and you don't have the time of day to waste on such a lowly species of humanoid. Remember, offense is the best form of defense. In so many ways, you were lucky to find out about this pre-marriage. You may not believe this right now, considering how much pain you're going through but take it from someone who, if she had the opportunity, would gladly erase her entire marriage.
Author Confused9 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks TBF. I haven't spoken to him in a month so I can't say that to him. He tried to contact me via text with a generic happy holidays to you and your family and I never responded. He told me to NEVER CONTACT HIM AGAIN so I am giving him his wish. I am just so shocked by all of this and continue asking the same effing questions. I am doing my best to move on, but I am so confused by his anger towards me. I not only have to deal with someone I thought loved me cheating on me but I also have to deal with the fact that he seems disgusted to even know me. It's just so hard. I appreciate your advice!
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 This is one of the most hurtful components of when you're cheated on. Seriously believing and accepting, that someone you loved and trusted, would do something so hurtful and then compound it by lying, and in your situation, be cruel. It proves how truly selfish he is. Do yourself a favour. Say to yourself 1000 times a day, if necessary, a cheater bears the cross for his cheating. Cheating is not a reflection of you as a person. It's a reflection of them, as a low-life. If he had any integrity at all and was unhappy with your relationship, he would have walked before pulling this type of selfish and cruel behaviour. I'm glad you're keeping to NC. He doesn't deserve any more of your time. ((hugs))
Author Confused9 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 This is one of the most hurtful components of when you're cheated on. Seriously believing and accepting, that someone you loved and trusted, would do something so hurtful and then compound it by lying, and in your situation, be cruel. It proves how truly selfish he is. Do yourself a favour. Say to yourself 1000 times a day, if necessary, a cheater bears the cross for his cheating. Cheating is not a reflection of you as a person. It's a reflection of them, as a low-life. If he had any integrity at all and was unhappy with your relationship, he would have walked before pulling this type of selfish and cruel behaviour. I'm glad you're keeping to NC. He doesn't deserve any more of your time. ((hugs)) So you don't necessarily think this was premeditated? I really don't think he fell out of love with me and I guess I don't want to believe this is why he did it. It kills me...it really does. I just wonder how I never noticed who he was for 7 years. Like, he was playing someone else for that long or something? I just hope he realizes what's he's done and one day gives me an apology. He tried to blame me for his infidelity...that also hurts REALLY bad. I appreciate your thoughts and advice. Hugs right back!
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 If he did fall out of love with you, he didn't have the balls to tell you, talk to you, to either fix it, discuss it, or give you two the chance....He bailed on you confused. Sadly, it's that plain and simple. Something is broken inside of him, and because of that, he ran. He cannot and will not take responsibility for his choices, he finds it easier to put it all on you so HE can sleep at night. Problem is, one day soon he'll actually have that live little baby to be a father to, have a woman in his life, mom of his baby..And the cycle will happen again because he has no balls. He WILL bail on them eventually. Depression and booze, an awful combo, is his downfall. NONE of which is your fault!
Author Confused9 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Thannks WWIU...I don't really think he did fall out of love with me. That's what is so confusing to me. If he did I think he would have been less angry towards me. Maybe I am wrong but it's almost like he was angry at himself and projected that towards me. I have no idea. Something just isn't adding up. I know I may never get the answers from him which is why I come on here asking for answers...from those that were in my shoes or in his shoes. Those with experience that can help me find the closure I need or want. I am shocked by his behaviour and wish that one day I will get that apology and get that 'leaving you was the worst mistake I ever made'. I know it won't change the past but it will help me not feel like I wasted 7 years on a relationship and man that was/were NEVER real and honest. There is so much confusion and sadness inside me. I know he is the only one who could possibly give me real reasons, but I will probably never get them. I may never see him again in my life...it's a scary thought but one that is very likely. : (
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 If he ever decides to stop drinking and go to AA meetings, he WILL come to you one day and own up to his mistakes, the way he treated you, and appologize. It's part of the steps. Not sure which one though. You seem to be opening up more on another level, I don't know if it's because you really do know inside he isn't coming back, that wishing he would is only going to make you feel worse. I do want you to stop blaming yourself. Noone makes someone leave.
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 It's the 9th step. http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/en_information_aa.cfm?PageID=17&SubPage=68
Author Confused9 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Yeah, I don't think he's coming back. I want to believe he wants to. I don't know if that's better or worse. I know he can't but I keep thinking he wants to. Ugh! This is an ongoing battle I tell ya! I really just honestly believe he loved me. I worry about his stability. I don't think we could ever be together and I know it would be too hard to fix what he broke. It's tough because sometimes I feel strong and okay with that and other times it feels like I would rather sleep forever than never be with him again. I hope I can get to the point where I no longer blame myself but it's hard becasue he tried to blame me and part of me...believes what he said. I miss him, but I don't even know if the him I miss will ever be back. He has turned in to an ugly person, one that I NEVER knew existed!
Author Confused9 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 It's the 9th step. http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/en_information_aa.cfm?PageID=17&SubPage=68 Thanks TBF. I need to get myself to an alanon meeting. That's my next goal. With 3 addict siblings, 2 addict parents and 1 addict x fiance...it may help me a little. (Insert sarcasm!!!)
Author Confused9 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Have a similiar situation and have their 2 cents to add??? I know it's long but my broken heart thanks you for your advice!!!! : )
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