mopar crazy Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) I haven't looked at the cell bill for probably a year or two unless it seems higher than normal. I use to look at it all the time after H's A (how I found out he contacted the OW b4 I found out about their A). It's been 5 years, almost 6 and he has given me no reasons not to trust him so I stopped looking. Well, the new cell bill came and something told me to look through it so I did. There is a number I do not recognize on his cell bill that was made on a Saturday morning at 4:25 am!!! They spoke for 4 minutes. I looked it up on whitepages, not listed, just that it's a land line. So, I google it, nothing found. I looked in his cell phone to see if this number was in his contacts it wasn't. I looked at past calls. He never erases them. Maybe I was just freaking out for nothing. I thought maybe it was from someone from work b/c he works 3rd shift. I found nothing, he erased it. I don't see this number anwhere else on the cell bill, it was just this one call. Do I ask H about this phone call made or do I just call the number? Do I just let it go and continue to check the cell bill for this number? I don't want to keep doing that if he is having an A and wasting my life being w/ someone who is screwing around on me. I don't know what to do. If he is cheating on me I want to know b/c I will end the M immediately upon finding out. I'm not going to be played a fool like I was the last time. Maybe I'm freaking out for no reason but this just doesn't seem right, a 4:00 am call? WTH is going on? Edited January 6, 2008 by mopar crazy Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 They spoke for 4 minutes. That was a real quickie. With a performance like that, they won't be calling back. So don't worry about it any more. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 I would ask him about it, Mopar, and try to stay calm when you do. He works 3rd shift... so it's probably just related to work. Since you have noticed no other signs that he's cheating on you (and I imagine you would be VERY aware if there were!!), then he's probably NOT cheating on you. Don't flip out unless you have a REASON in-hand to flip out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) You're right, 4 minutes isn't a lot however the first time he had an A the first phone call I found to her was only 3 minutes and he only called her one time on that billing cycle. Less than a month later he was having an A w/ her. Forgot, I took his cell phone w/ me to go pick up our daughter. I couldn't find mine so I just grabbed his real quick. He was still in bed. I told our son that if he ask where his phone is I have it. I was gone about 45 minutes when he called and asked me why I had his cell. He got defensive. I told him he sure was getting defensive for me taking his phone. I asked him if he was expecting a phone call and he said if he was then I would be getting it. I finally asked him about it, I was calm. I asked him why he was calling someone at 4:25 am on a Saturday morning. He said he had no idea and why would he be calling someone that time of the day. I showed him the cell bill, he still doesn't know what is going on. I told him he better start thinking about who it was or I was going to call it. He said to go ahead, he didn't make the call. Either he is telling me the truth or he doesn't think I will do it. Ok, he just showed me in his contacts (that I must have missed b/c I was freaked) that it was a number at work to a different dept. I hate living like this. One time I trust him, the next this **** happens. This just proves that I can't stay in this M. Obviously there is still trust issues when I thought I was over that. I can't live in a M where the trust is gone. Edited January 6, 2008 by mopar crazy Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Well, I guess one never has very long to make a good first impression. Maybe a quickie is the best way to make your case. But seriously, I'm very sorry about the betrayal. I agree with OpenBook - go ahead and ask, if it bothers you so much. However, be sure not to react to anything he might say. You should get a good idea by just listening to his response. "What is this? You don't trust me?!" (Well, I guess the truth is that you don't - but that is understandable given his history.) "I can't believe you. Will I be paying for my mistake for the rest of my life?!" (Probably. Unless you both agree to put it behind you, and never mention it again... but who can do that??) Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Something tells me you never really stopped checking up on him, how could you you can't trust him, so I would continue spying on him until you catch him again then you can confront him with proof. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 , so I would continue spying on him until you catch him again then you can confront him with proof. Relationships can be such fun. And exciting - each day can spawn a new covert op. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Relationships can be such fun. And exciting - each day can spawn a new covert op. I guess everyone has their own idea of what makes up a fun and exciting relationship, but I think that if you need to become a detective in order to enjoy your relationship maybe it's time to take up a hobbie. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 I guess everyone has their own idea of what makes up a fun and exciting relationship, but I think that if you need to become a detective in order to enjoy your relationship maybe it's time to take up a hobbie. Strip searches are great, though. Don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 sarme, I have stopped checking up on him. Like I said I haven't really did a through search of the cell bill in a year or two, I didn't feel a need to. And the last time I did a search through it was b/c it seemed awful high for that month. I guess I'll never regain all the trust I had for him again. I wont live my life searching, doing "detective work" to find out if he is cheating. Like I said, I don't even know why I checked the cell bill after so long of not checking it, something in me just told me to. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 I don't even know why I checked the cell bill after so long of not checking it, something in me just told me to. Hun, it's not something "in you" that made you check up on him it's because he had an affair on you, that's why periodically you feel the need to check up on him You will never have a life of peace next to that man, but it's the life you chose. So accept that you are with a man that can't be trusted and look the other way, it is probably the best thing you can do for yourself and your own sanity. What's the point of trying to catch him in something again? Nemo: yes the strip search is the best part of playing "cop and robber" and the handcuffs are pretty good too. lol Ohhh I miss my huney.... :-( he is back this week Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Something told you to check up on him. Whether it was your sixth sense or a change in his mannerism. Either way, you did and now you need to live with the information you have. I would not ask him about this one instance - YOU do not have enough information to plead any question or case. What ever he tells you, it's you that will decipher whether or not to believe him. Wait it out and see if he gives you another reason to check up on him or if he slips up. Or, learn to trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Or, learn to trust him. The Brain makes an excellent point. When you agree to forgive him, and give things another try, it will probably only work if you bury the past. Otherwise the past is going to be nipping at your heels, at every opportunity. You're always going to be hypersensitive. He's always going to feel like you don't trust him. Of course, this is very hard to do in practice. Maybe even impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 The thing is, I could stay w/ him, try to trust him, or get a D and find someone new. Well, then there is that trust issue w/ the new guy. My heart just fell when I read he made a phone call at 4:25 am. I had no idea why he would be calling someone at that time of the morning so naturally I think the worse. I'm to the point where I'm pissed about it. Pissed at myself for not thinking how his A would effect me in the future if I took him back, and pissed at him for screwing around on me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 The thing is, I could stay w/ him, try to trust him, or get a D and find someone new. Well, then there is that trust issue w/ the new guy. So basically, better to stay with the devil you know and love, than seek out a new devil that you don't know and have no history with. MP, have you considered going back to counselling to help you cope with the anger and mistrust of him? Is he willing to go back to counselling as well? It just sucks that this is on-going and honestly, you gave it your everything...Just not sure the devil you live with has given his everything... PS I would have called the number just to see who answered the phone.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 So basically, better to stay with the devil you know and love, than seek out a new devil that you don't know and have no history with. MP, have you considered going back to counselling to help you cope with the anger and mistrust of him? Is he willing to go back to counselling as well? It just sucks that this is on-going and honestly, you gave it your everything...Just not sure the devil you live with has given his everything... PS I would have called the number just to see who answered the phone.. I guess you could say that WWIU. Pretty dumb huh? I think we should give MC another try. We never had MC after the A, just IC. It wouldn't hurt and maybe it would do some good. I was really tempted to call that number but had no idea what to say. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I was really tempted to call that number but had no idea what to say. You could just say that you found this number on your phone bill and had never dialed it, so you wanted to find out whose number it was...Block your number first though... Although the underlying issue is that you don't trust him and that's legitimate...I think WWIU's suggestion of MC is a good one if you want to stay with your H... I hope whatever you choose to do, it works out for you... GEL Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 You could just say that you found this number on your phone bill and had never dialed it, so you wanted to find out whose number it was...Block your number first though... Yeah but she wouldn't be dailing it, it is on "his" celphone bill. There is no way around it, she can't hide the fact she was snooping on him. Mopar it caught my attention you said "the trust issue with the new guy" should there be a new guy, it sounds like you haven't done all your work to get over the betrayal. Why would you feel this way about a new guy? Not all me cheat. It sounds like you are not over things at all even after all this time. WWIU: So basically, better to stay with the devil you know and love, than seek out a new devil that you don't know and have no history with wow that is really settling for nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 wow that is really settling for nothing. And being an OW isn't settling? I think you've misunderstood my meaning of the devil. This is her husband whom she has children with, and she isn't ready to throw in the towel quite yet. They haven't gone to marriage counselling together, ever, so until they BOTH give it their best, it's not over. IF MC doesn't help and MP still feels like she can't trust him and feels it's time to end the marriage, then she'll do just that. Until then, I plan on supporting her as I have from day one. PS A very cute pic of you sarme, I take it that's you in your avatar? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Yeah but she wouldn't be dailing it, it is on "his" celphone bill. There is no way around it, she can't hide the fact she was snooping on him. All she has to do is block her number and make up something when the person says hello. If a woman answers then atleast she'll have enough to dig deeper. If it's a man, then it'll be easier to let it go...(I mean, I doubt he's having an A with another man, lol. MP I Hope that made you laugh) Mopar it caught my attention you said "the trust issue with the new guy" should there be a new guy, it sounds like you haven't done all your work to get over the betrayal. Why would you feel this way about a new guy? Not all me cheat. It sounds like you are not over things at all even after all this time. Many BS's have trouble trusting ANYONE in a new relationship if they've divorced. The damage done scars deeply. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 It wouldn't hurt and maybe it would do some good. You gotta try. Who knows it could be the best thing to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 Yeah but she wouldn't be dailing it, it is on "his" celphone bill. There is no way around it, she can't hide the fact she was snooping on him. Mopar it caught my attention you said "the trust issue with the new guy" should there be a new guy, it sounds like you haven't done all your work to get over the betrayal. Why would you feel this way about a new guy? Not all me cheat. It sounds like you are not over things at all even after all this time.WWIU: wow that is really settling for nothing. I know all guys don't cheat, but it's hard to trust again after you have been betrayed by someone whom you shared 11 years w/, children, a home, etc. If H and I don't make it in our M I'm in no hurry to find another man to get involved w/. My sister and SIL tried to get me fixed up w/ guys when H and I were first separated. One was a totally hottie, but I just wasn't interested. Even after my H tore my heart out and hurt me so badly I just wasn't ready to date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks WWIU !!! You always make me laugh when you reply to my threads. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 And being an OW isn't settling? I think you've misunderstood my meaning of the devil. This is her husband whom she has children with, and she isn't ready to throw in the towel quite yet. They haven't gone to marriage counselling together, ever, so until they BOTH give it their best, it's not over. IF MC doesn't help and MP still feels like she can't trust him and feels it's time to end the marriage, then she'll do just that. Until then, I plan on supporting her as I have from day one. PS A very cute pic of you sarme, I take it that's you in your avatar? Yes it is settling, you're right. They have been in recovery for 5yrs what are they waiting for to do therapy if that is what is going to save her H from cheating again? Doubt it. Not ready to throw in the towel!?!? It's been 5yrs since the affair and she still needs to check up on him and mistrust him? I think they threw in the towel when he cheated and she decided to keep him around. But that's just my opinion. So either accept you are with a cheater who can/might do it at any give time and learn to enjoy playing detective or look the other way don't even bother. Or you can get out, but since you said that is not an option then she only has two. If people can get over the extreme trauma of rape or childhood abandonment in order to trust again, so can a BS. If you want to be a victim for the rest of your life then yes you will be. Thx for the avi comment, yup it's me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mopar crazy Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 Yes it is settling, you're right. They have been in recovery for 5yrs what are they waiting for to do therapy if that is what is going to save her H from cheating again? Doubt it. Not ready to throw in the towel!?!? It's been 5yrs since the affair and she still needs to check up on him and mistrust him? I think they threw in the towel when he cheated and she decided to keep him around. But that's just my opinion. So either accept you are with a cheater who can/might do it at any give time and learn to enjoy playing detective or look the other way don't even bother. Or you can get out, but since you said that is not an option then she only has two. If people can get over the extreme trauma of rape or childhood abandonment in order to trust again, so can a BS. If you want to be a victim for the rest of your life then yes you will be. Thx for the avi comment, yup it's me. A part of me does agree w/ you, but a part of me does not. Getting out of the M is an option, but I think MC is going to be my first option b4 I decide what to do. The part you wrote in the bold really struck a nerve. Have you experienced rape, childhood abandonment, or being a BW? You never know what they go through until you have walked in their shoes. If you have and "gotten over it" then that is great, I'm glad that you could get over something so traumatic. Ya know what I find funny about all this sarme? You are an OW. With your looks there is no way you can't find a SG. Link to post Share on other sites
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