Rebound relationship – needed

[eternallove]

Here is my story:

 

My gf of 2 and half years broke up with me 5 months ago. We immediately started NC which none of us has broken yet.

We have had very specific relationship. We had lots of ups and downs. We used to fight a lot, but also loved each other very much – couldn’t

 

Both are very stubborn. In our history we have had several breakups. Mostly initiated by her, but we always got together again. Never third party was involved (until now).

 

Our last breakup:

During last month of relationship we fighted several times – than used not to communicate a week, when things got to normal. This cycle repeated several times during last month of relationship, but we always got together – until last fight.

Last time when I asked she refused to reconcile. Then we started NC. I didn’t beg, plead etc.

 

Very soon she started to go out with her friends. Also, two weeks after breakup went out with new guy, she didn’t like. One month after breakup she found another guy with whom she started relationship. She is still with him.

I was planning to contact her at her birthday, which was soon after breakup to try reconciling, but when I saw her with her new bf (I didn’t know about him then), I changed my mind. Then continued NC.

 

A month ago, I sent her her staff by mail. She didn’t react at all.

 

After 5 month of NC and lot of work on myself. I found that I still love her very much. I find it difficult to live without her. I’m aware of mistakes I’ve made during relationship and would never repeat them again – not with her if we reconcile, not with other gf if not.

 

Everyone said to me that her new bf is rebound. It is very difficult to me to imagine her with another man. I mean, this girl used to love me very much. We planned to get marry. She couldn’t live without me, neither I without her. But she couldn’t stand all those fights we used to have since beginning of our relationship.

 

I still would like to have her back, bc I love her very much. Other girls are not important to me.

Also I know that I shouldn’t disturb her current relationship. I must respect that.

 

But as I said, I find it difficult to live without her even after 5 months of NC.

 

I would appreciate if someone could give me advice about what should I do to win her back.

Edited January 6, 2008 by eternallove

[s_n_d]

I understand how you feel.

My ex couldnt stand the pointless fights and arguments we used to have as well.

I still cant believe he chose to end the relationship because of those pointless fights/arguments. Especially since Im the first woman hes ever really loved.

[Sashy]

Maybe you should meet up with her, and have a talk with her. How else will she know what is on your mind. Perhaps she might never change her mind but atleast she will know where you stand, how you feel, and what you are willing to do to make things different. I think a face to face meeting is best for this. That's my suggestion. If she refuses to meet, then there is nothing you can do. Leave her alone. But let her know that whenever she is ready and the time is appropriate for her, she should contact you.

[Lee725]

She has been with the new BF for 4 months now so if she is happy it might be a little difficult to break it up between them which i effectively what you are proposing to do.

 

As sashy said, try to meet with her to explain, if she wont then there is not much you can do.

 

If you interfer to much she might get more angry.

Unfortunately for you, she has to run her course with the new guy and you might have to let go. (not easy i know).

[eternallove]

Thanks for replies.

 

I saw her last night with her bf. I can't explain how terible I was feeling. She was acting as she was trying to let me know that she has bf. She was huging him just to show me.

I felt terible and froze, so I didn't even have strenght to say hallo when I passed near them. I was acting as I was ignoring them.

I don't know if I did in right way.

It realy sucks when after 5 months of NC I still feel like this.

[Lee725]

Yes you did the right thing.

as i said before, this new relationship she has going needs to run it's course and everything and anything you do now will impact any chance of reconcilliation you may have should she break up with the new guy.

 

Surely she understands that you can not play the happy "hi - how you doing" thing when you see her out with the new BF.

Therefore ignoring her and not saying anything is better than an outburst.

 

I still get that feeling now with a couple of my EX's and years have passed.

It is pretty normal. You will feel better tho when you see her and him together when you have a new partner with you.

It is just at the moment you may feel like the outsider.

[eternallove]

Thanks Lee.

 

Would I be in better position for reconciliation if I talk with her now while she is in relationship teling her about my love, or should I wait until they breakup (if it happens at all)?

Some more info: This guy is definitely rebound. Everyone says (not me) that he is in all aspects worse than me. She is very attractive girl and could find what ever man she likes, and she got him who was on right place in right time to fulfil emptiness. Am I right about this?

 

How long usually rebound relatioships last?

[Lee725]

Thanks Lee.

 

Would I be in better position for reconciliation if I talk with her now while she is in relationship teling her about my love, or should I wait until they breakup (if it happens at all)?

Some more info: This guy is definitely rebound. Everyone says (not me) that he is in all aspects worse than me. She is very attractive girl and could find what ever man she likes, and she got him who was on right place in right time to fulfil emptiness. Am I right about this?

 

How long usually rebound relatioships last?

 

Some will disagree because there have been rebounds that have gone on to marriages, but normally i would say 1-6 months. (in my experience with myself and friends).

 

The guy that rebounded on me did it for 2 months.

He became more and more distant with me within the last 2 -3 weeks, so i knew it was coming.

many moons ago another one happened, he rebounded on me for 3 months.

 

Telling her now? tricky....

It is going to depend on her own perceptions and personality.

 

She could take it as "oohhh, he loves me, he really does, maybe i am making a mistake with this new guy!"

or

She could say "You are only saying that cause you want to break us up, you dont really mean it - go away".

 

You know her better than anyone here so i guess only you could make that call.

It is a catch 22, because let's say i was her, yes i want to know if my ex still loves me because maybe i would like to go back to him, but if he comes on to strong, i am going to put my back up and get angry at him

 

Maybe a letter??

 

Dear X,

I know that you are in a relationship and i would never do anything to break that up, but i just want to explain how i really feel about you.

 

I carry my love for you with me, once i let it out to you, i will be able to move on..... (ETC)

 

Something like that, i know it's corny, but it is just a thought.

Good Luck.

[dunstable]

One month after breakup she found another guy with whom she started relationship.

Also I know that I shouldn’t disturb her current relationship. I must respect that.

She has been with the new BF for 4 months now so if she is happy it might be a little difficult to break it up between them ...

Dear X,

I know that you are in a relationship and i would never do anything to break that up, but i just want to explain how i really feel about you.

Do not assume she is happy with new bf. Do not assume they have a relationship. She may not regard it as a relationship - might be just "dating". Maybe when she is with him, she is wishing she were with you. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. You may find she feels the same way.

Edited January 9, 2008 by dunstable

[eternallove]

A month ago I sent her her staff by mail without note. She didn’t ask them. I thought that she should have them bc they belong to her. She even didn’t send me “thank you”.

After breakup she changed her phone number. We were implementing NC so she knows that I don’t have her new phone # - she hasn’t informed me about that.

She even didn’t call or text on New Year.

 

Are those signs that she wants me out of her life for good? I’m asking this bc I’m trying to figure it out how high are chances that she would agree to reconcile if I ask her now.

 

Thoughts?

 

Thanks in advance

Edited January 9, 2008 by eternallove

[dunstable]

A month ago I sent her her staff by mail without note. She didn’t ask them. I thought that she should have them bc they belong to her. She even didn’t send me “thank you”.

After breakup she changed her phone number. We were implementing NC so she knows that I don’t have her new phone # - she hasn’t informed me about that.

She even didn’t call or text on New Year.

I assume you mean "stuff". From what you say, seems like she is making a determined effort to forget you and move on. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, but it does sound as if she has given up hope of making it work with you...you did say you had several prior breakups. You said the breakups were mainly her fault - I'm sure she thinks the opposite. She's closing down lines of communication to make it easier for her to forget you - doesn't mean that she will be able to do that and it doesn't mean that is what she would want that in an ideal world.

Are those signs that she wants me out of her life for good? I’m asking this bc I’m trying to figure it out how high are chances that she would agree to reconcile if I ask her now.

They are signs that she has given up hope, but that's not the same as her wanting you out of her life. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. Assumptions are very dangerous. Find some way to talk to her and tell her how you feel. If it's true, tell her you've found it impossible to be happy without her, maybe she will tell you she's been feeling the same way. Don't worry about what are the chances - the chances are either 100% or 0% but you won't know till you talk to her.

[Lee725]

I will use myself as an example here because i can not really speak for anyone else. I hope this is not too long winded!

 

So if i did these things this is probably what i would be thinking (This would depend on my perception of the EX after the break up - so it could go a couple of ways):

 

A month ago I sent her her staff by mail without note. She didn’t ask them. I thought that she should have them bc they belong to her. She even didn’t send me “thank you”.

 

1) he has sent back my last connection to him and i didn't ask for them back, this is a sign he is finished with the relationship and he is moving on, (hence the no thank you).

 

2) He has sent back my stuff - thankfully, i didn't need to ask him for it so i don't need to contact him again. (hence no thank you)

 

Personal Note: my EX's parrents recently sent back the Keys to my house that he had. I am not going to thank him for that, they are mine & i felt insecure while he had them.

i did notice tho that when his dad filled out the envelope he had labeled it from : JERK (then address) LOL

 

After breakup she changed her phone number.

 

1) i would do this not necessarily to say i don't want you to contact me but as a way for me to heal.

 

Personal note: I use to "hover" over my phone wait it for it to ring, i would sometimes hear it when it did not ring (yes, i am stable LOL)

I would not be waiting on the phone to ring or getting a TEXT, i have found this a very effective way to help move on.

 

2) i don't ever want to hear from him again, therefore i will change my number and he will not be able to harass me.

 

We were implementing NC so she knows that I don’t have her new phone # - she hasn’t informed me about that.

 

1) again, not waiting on the phone to ring even tho she may still care deeply for you and want to hear from you - it is a self preservation thing.

 

2) I don't want to hear from you, therefore why would i give you the new number. Why would i change it only to give it back to you?

 

She even didn’t call or text on New Year.

 

Neither did i & i didn't get any from my Ex's, some people send NY greetings to everyone and it means nothing, some people get them thinking that they have been specifically sent with intent.

Sometimes it is better not to do it than to have a mixed signal interpreted.

 

Are those signs that she wants me out of her life for good?

The majority of these signs would suggest so.

The situations which you have listed here are very similar to those which i have experienced in the past.

 

Only she knows really how she feels about you now, therefore it is impossible to give you a definitive answer.

 

I’m asking this bc I’m trying to figure it out how high are chances that she would agree to reconcile if I ask her now.

 

Regret is a worse thing to live with than rejection (in my books), not knowing will hurt more because even if she does reject you - you will know exactly where you stand. (even tho herself moving on and having a new BF does say a lot on it's own)

I have provided you with very mixed advice on this one - for that i am sorry.

I am trying to see it from both sides.

At the end of the day, maybe NC and moving on would be best because if it was meant to work, it would have already.

Edited January 10, 2008 by Lee725

[eternallove]

Thanks for advices. They mean to me a lot.

 

You are right about her given up hope, and wanting to move on. She couldn’t stand fights we used to have. She didn’t see bright future with me, because of that.

We both were guilty for breakup, but mostly me.

I understand my mistake – I used to put to much pressure on her.

 

Few times before this breakup, she left me because of problem stated above. But she couldn’t live without me, and bc of that we always got together again. Once she even said not to call her so she could move on (just bc of sending her few messages). She thought that I’m not right man for her, but she also couldn’t stand to be apart of me. Inside she was fighting with herself to leave me for good, but she couldn’t. She told me that, and I knew, but I was stupid, I took her for granted.

It seems that, the only way for her to leave me was to immediately find new bf. After break up she started to search for one.

 

She didn’t change phone # bc of me and healing. She did it bc of some problems happened to her before we broke.

 

Maybe, I should leave it like this. Her happiness is the most important to me, even more important than my happiness.

Therefore, I wouldn’t like to spoil her relationship with new bf, and her decision to continue her life without me.

If she breaks up with him one day, than I will contact her to have talk and to see how she feels about us trying again. Maybe it is the best. I don't know.

[dunstable]

EL, regarding your statements above - is that information she has just given you or are you speculating? If the latter, I do think you should talk to her and tell her how you feel.

[eternallove]

Dunstable, she hasn't given me that info lately. I didn't talk to her.

I asumme that bc of her statements during breakups we had before.

She was trying to "find way to continue her life without me". She even used those words.

She was to much attached to me, but didn't see future with me.