hurtfeelings Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 My husband and I have been married for over 7 yrs. He has a very stressful job so I try very hard to make our marriage easy on him. For example dinner is always ready on time, the house is always clean, laundry is always done stuff like that. His mind is always going, he's always busy and I feel he doesnt have time for me. We rarely have sex which is hard for me because I love sex. I came home from work and told him I had a bad day and wanted a hug. He said I'm not a huggy kind of person. He wouldnt hug me, wouldnt kiss me, really wouldnt even touch me. I flew mad and we have done nothing but argue all weekend. I know he isnt a mooshy, cuddly guy. I wish he would tell me I was sexy or pretty or cute or something. I feel like hugging, kissing and sex are all ways to show love in a marriage. If he isnt doing these things than he must not love me right?! He says that by him going to work everyday and paying the bills that I should automatically know that he loves me. It makes it even harder because over the course of our marriage there have been 2 men that have tried to get me to have an affair. I dont want to cheat on him and never will cheat on him, but when there is another guy that says all the right things and seems to appreciate you it makes you wonder. I dont know I guess what I am trying to ask is: Is this normal? He has been this way through the entire marriage so its nothing new. I really cant handle much more. Does he love me? Is it me or him? What do I do? Counseling is not an option.
Curmudgeon Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I feel like hugging, kissing and sex are all ways to show love in a marriage. If he isnt doing these things than he must not love me right?! He says that by him going to work everyday and paying the bills that I should automatically know that he loves me. A marriage, like any relationship, must be fed and cared for in order to remain alive and vibrant. One can't ignore their spouse's physical and emotional needs and expect the relationship to survive. He may love you but if he comes from a family and background that was not demonstrative, he may not know how to show it. You say that counseling is not an option. Therefore, what remains is your personal tolerance level for having your needs ignored, even when pointed out to him. Having an affair should never be an option. Leave the marriage first, then chart your course but be careful of rebound relationships. They don't ultimately satisfy either.
Author hurtfeelings Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 Why no counseling? He would never go for counseling. He doesnt believe in talking about your feelings. It makes him less of a man or some crap like that.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Oh my. I think that mentality explains the lack of affection, the I pay the bills so there for I obviously love you. I'm so sorry. That must be tough, and he needs to realize there's no weakness in counseling or showing feelings. It in fact shows great strength, and takes much courage to step up to get help. The marriage needs to take precedence over his pride.
OpenBook Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 He says that by him going to work everyday and paying the bills that I should automatically know that he loves me.... Is this normal? If by "normal" you mean "typical," then yes absolutely... from everything I've heard & seen from others, and experienced myself with my exH/BF's. This is a typical male reaction. However, if you mean normal as in "okay," nope, it's not okay and it hurts the relationship. It makes it even harder because over the course of our marriage there have been 2 men that have tried to get me to have an affair. Then I'll paraphrase from another thread: "A little jealousy, applied judiciously and in small amounts, can be your best friend." It may be the wake-up call your H needs. Of course, it can also backfire horribly so it must be used extremely carefully. For example, you could casually mention another man's attention to you in a conversation with your H ("X said this to me today, and helped me with Y"), and watch his reaction. If that doesn't work, more drastic measures might be in order... like saying, "Honey this is what I need from you, and we need to get this resolved because I just can't go on living like this. Our marriage is in trouble. Let's get it fixed before something drastic happens." Again, observe his reaction.
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 If you know you need affection and compliments to feel loved, how did you come to be in a marriage with someone who has trouble displaying his love for you with those methods? Did he use to meet your needs in this way and over the years, stopped putting in that effort? Did he use to do these things and then stopped abruptly?
Kasan Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 You might want to pick up the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Google it and you can take a look at the website. Your husband might feel that by going to work and working hard for you and the family is how he is showing his love for you, ie acts of service. You on the other hand need the affection and validation of being told that you are loved, ie quality time, or physical touch. You both love each other but show it in different ways, as you have different love languages of.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 He says that by him going to work everyday and paying the bills that I should automatically know that he loves me. That's like thinking that because you make your car payments, the vehicle shouldn't need gas, oil or tune-ups. Doesn't make sense. Is this a change in his behavior? He seems more than a little passive/aggressive... Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 His mind is always going, he's always busy and I feel he doesnt have time for me Tell him this and how it makes you feel. Tell him that you feel unloved by him, not needed and really need to feel a connection again with him - Both in bed and out of bed. Sounds like you two need to have some fun, laugh and reconnect. Go on dates, enjoy eachothers company and try to remember what it is that led you two together in the first place. If he is unwilling to try to make the marriage and the relationship between you better, then things will deteriate even more.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 You are emotionally starved and attention from others will start to become attractive to you. Before this happens, you need to penetrate the thick head of your husband and tell him to modify his actions or things may get worse/meaning the relationship. Say this as lovingly as you can. If this doesn't work and he refuses counseling then tell him you are not happy - need the affection and love back in the relationship and if you do not get it from him, a change maybe needed.
Storyrider Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I came home from work and told him I had a bad day and wanted a hug. He said I'm not a huggy kind of person. He wouldnt hug me, wouldnt kiss me, really wouldnt even touch me Was he also fresh home from work when this happened? Will he never hug you or does timing make a difference? Would you say he's an introvert? Some personality types need time and space after they transition from work to home, etc. With some time to decompressed then it is easier for them to be emotionally close. I am like this (I'm female).
michaelk Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 So he's unwilling to hug or kiss you, apparently never gives you compliments, won't go to counseling because he doesn't talk about his feelings. And now he won't even have sex. Yet he still demonstrates his love for you (to his thinking) by being a good provider. It sounds as if he has never been emotionally intimate with you, which is probably fairly common among men. But what physical intimacy you had seems to be gone now, too. This leaves you with no way of connecting and feeling close, and clearly this is important. You need to tell him straight out, in an unemotional way, that you love him but need more than financial support from a relationship. Explain that the lack of sex, kisses, etc. make you feel like his roommate/sister/[fill in the blank] rather than his wife. And be honest that you're feeling like you can't continue as things are. The reason I suggest being unemotional is that faced with an emotional reaction, someone who doesn't deal with emotions well can feel helpless, which might result in either anger or shutting down. You want him to hear what you're saying, so speak his language. Be rational and calm, but clearly state what you need and feel you're not getting. Of the various things you've mentioned needing, I imagine that sex will be the easiest to get from him. At least, if he's a typical man it will! I would consider this a good first step, provided it doesn't become a chore. (I.e. "Let's have sex every Saturday night at 9:00" is NOT a good way to revive your sex life!) If the two of you are willing to work on improving your sexual relationship by trying new things, discussing your fantasies, what pleases you, etc. then you can spark genuine interest in each other again, which is what you want. After taking this first step, then you can work on hugs & kisses, and more open communication. If telling him flat out what you need doesn't work, you're going to need help communicating, which means counseling. He may not like doing it, but if it becomes a choice between that or losing you, he might just change his tune. And if he doesn't - well, I guess you know where you stand on his list of priorities! Best wishes!
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