tinke Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) just need another's perspective on why someone would chose to leave in the manner he did. his avoidance in the matter is what keeps me stuck, confused as to how someone can depart as such. quick recap: LTR(10yrs), LD last 3, visited often. out of the blue, i had received a superficial e-mail, and oh, by the way....goodbye. no solid reasons given, just "i'm moving on". it was very brief, and he did agree to contact me to discuss it. he never did! never accepted any form of contact for almost 2 mo. then, finally answered a call,(by a woman)he, very non-chalant and gave superficial, non-related reasons for the break-up. the call was constantly interrupted, on his end (by her). he stated he became engaged and was to be married. (an aquaintance he had seen for a couple months, he said) again, he stated he would call on his word, to add closure. never happened! never, ever responded to any contacts...nothing! i guess i ask..who does this? why? after so much time, and no indication from him, he just vanished without so much as an explanation, closure, something? this leaves me, first, confused with many questions, and secondly, very hurt by his harsh exit. it is this exit that pulls me back to asking the whys. it has been several months now and i have made significant progress. but, i am still astounded by the way he left. never asked me to stop contacting him....just nothing! we were to marry and live together soon. it was delayed due to a family illness...responsibilities,etc. any feedback is surely appreciated..thanks. Edited January 6, 2008 by tinke
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Stop letting him live rent-free in your mind. He's gone. Good riddance. It's clear he's not coming back, not going to marry you, not going to explain, not going to aplogise, not going to establish contact, not going to be a friend. You know all this already. I'm telling you stuff that comes as no surprise to you at all. In which case.... Why waste your precious, wonderful, giving Self on such a waste-of-space? Every moment you spend asking why, is a minute in which you could have been really enjoying yourself. Let the waster go. Don't ask why, don't ask how. Just know the guy's lost out, the jerk. Looks to me as if you had a lucky escape!
Author tinke Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 thank you for the reply. anyone else???? male feedback?? could really use your words!!
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Sorry to ask (and it seems I'm pushing it, so.... apologies) but - - Why? Why could you "really use anyone's words", when you already have all the answers and validation you need, within yourself? What exactly are you looking for? Why do you need 'male feedback'? What is it about this situation that is keeping you so stuck here, believing it needs elaboration? Help me out here, I really don't get it.....! :confused:
Author tinke Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) have you ever been in a LTR which suddenly terminated with no reason given, no words, no closure? it is much different (to me) than a short term relationship, in that so much more time was invested and still future plans were made. if i had all the answers, i wouldn't need feedback! as i had mentioned, i am making progress, i am asking another's perspective of things so i can perhapas deal better with the sting of how he left. very much an abandomnent, and i am not stating i am the victim, nor want sympathy....just something i can grasp. because, nothing he said or did relating to the break-up makes any sense. why not say, i am interested in seeing someone else, stop contacting me, or hey...i'm sorry about this. but to have his woman talking in the background when i am first learning that we are done and he is now engaged is a bit to digest. i guess, the way it was delivered was very hurtful! and quite honestly, i feel intentional! i would like a male's perspective also, for obvious reasons! sometimes things just aren't that cut and dry. and i found that talking about it makes it real to me and i see things more clearly. well, i have no one here to talk with, so i am writing it out. i thought that is what this site is for...to share thoughts. out of curiosity, are you young in age? had any significantly long relationships? again, thanks for your reply. hope i've explained enough. what am i looking for? something that makes sense. another reason i can say...what an a$$!!! by the way....love the avatar Edited January 6, 2008 by tinke
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 out of curiosity, are you young in age? had any significantly long relationships? again, thanks for your reply. hope i've explained enough. what am i looking for? something that makes sense. another reason i can say...what an a$$!!! by the way....love the avatar Sweetheart, I'm 51, and a 23 year marriage behind me. Not saying i necessarily KNOW more than you do though...I believe that regardless of age, we are all able to learn from each other.... But I guess i'm further along on certain tracks than others - just as I would be the first to admit, I'm light-years behind on the tracks of some! It may be that no matter how many people contribute, you're never really going to be able to make head nor tail of it... The only person who can really explain his perspective, is him. And would you really be able to trust a thing he says? He'd probably say things to make you look like the 'faulty' one, and justify his behaviour... and he'd never give you any real true reason... he'd lie to you. And he'd lie so much, he'd convince himself it's the truth, even though he'll always know it isn't..... Maybe as you say, all you're looking for is for someone to agree with you, and reinforce his a$$-ness...!! I getcha.... Thank you! And the Avatar, is just.... well ....me, in spirit..... Hugs....
brothermartin Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 thank you for the reply. anyone else???? male feedback?? could really use your words!! OK. I'll keep this short and simple. He has no balls. Never did. Some other woman saw this and snatched him. Because she wanted a ball-less man. He didn't do what he should have done with you BECAUSE he has no balls. He is a bigger b**ch than the b**ch that stole him from you, BECAUSE he let himself get stolen. And BECAUSE he has no balls. She probably has bigger balls than he dose. Congratulations. You lost your ball-less man but didn't lose anything worth keeping IMO.
Author tinke Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 yes, yes....thank you! ahhhhhh...relief! i had thought, no matter what...he ALLOWED this to happen! a$$!
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Ahhhhhh...Now I sense you are happier!! Good...
Author tinke Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 geishawhelk i, too, have some years on me, so i would not classify myself as naive. at times we fall vulnerable to remembering the good and question the whys. what has had me "stuck" in those times is the insensitivity and rudeness he displayed when leaving....it is a surreal experience and one that is difficult to just shake off. but, i do see myself making huge strides and i have every intention on doing so. i am not in love with him any longer, nor do i know who this "new" person is that he has become. i have no intention on making contact. reallly, what is there to say? he has handled himself very immaturely and has hurt me greatly. he was even smug tellling me about his upcoming wedding. and from what i gathered by her constant intrusion....she is surely just as immature. so, yes, perhaps they fit like hand in glove. i will not downplay my significance. i guess all in all, when one begins to feel the hurt for whatever reason, it is nice to hear a validation that....it is not worth it...he really is an a$$. thanks for your thoughts...i feel back on track!
Confused9 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Tinke, my situation is sort of similiar to yours and I don't really have any answers as to why, how or what caused them to act and do what they did. I just want to let you know you arne't alone in your frustration and confusion and I hope one day if we can't get answers from them...we figure the answers out that we need. ; )
so_sad Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Similar situation here too...my fiancé left without even allowing for the possibility of trying to fix things, and then treated me like I had done him some major wrongs. I understand that you want to know why, but even if he was talking to you, you'd probably still have questions. Regardless of why they do it, I think that people who walk out on LTRs with no explanation or apology are really...rude, and cowardly. I agree that you deserve an explanation, but the sad truth is that you might not get it. However, take heart in that you're probably better off without someone who'd treat you like this (it's a cliché, but it's true).
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Tinke, I want you to know that my 'challenges' to your thinking were not meant to be argumentative, confrontational or dismissive. But you made it clear in your first post that this guy is a bag of doo-doos, so my attitude was supposed to help you see things from a more 'indignant' viewpoint. Basically, I was trying to push your buttons in a constructive way. You don't need me. You don't need anyone. you are one feisty, together, well-structured lady, and I'm so glad for you.
Author tinke Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 thank you all for the replies. i feel back to the usual me...just a bit of vulnerability.....ok, and a wee bit of vengence was rearing its ugly head! geishawhelk....no harm taken, quite the contrary. i believe too often we are too close to the situation to see things objectively, sometimes a "crisp" approach (lovingly of course) can add some clarity. thanks!
trueluV Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I supposed you posted this last summer, is it correct? Now half a year has past, I wonder how you are doing and what happened to you since. I had quite a similar situation with you, and three years past, and I am moving on somehow, but I still cannot forget many things. I thought and believed I would meet a guy who treats me better after this, but I have been single without any relationship for 3 years, I guess I couldn't totally move on somehow, and it is still painful somehow to me because that pain and break up didn't get me anything either. I learned life is not fair. My serious boyfriend (more than 5 years) who wanted to share his life with me, vanished suddenly, without any phone call, email, nothing, without a single argue, talked like 5 times that particular day in happy mood, and next day, voom! he disappeared! 3 years past, I didn't call him, but I text him several times, sent emails, but no reply. I know from others that he is still alive...I was so confused that time, how can people really leave someone without one single word, one excuse. He literally just disappeared from my life one day suddenly. I tried to move on, but it's not so easy. There are so many questions that are not resolved unconsciously which makes it hard, and puts a wall to guys later on. I never thought I would remain single for 3 years after him, and still now no boyfriend. Of course I try to meet guys and I do have some guys I am interested in, but somehow I developed a strong barrier unknowingly, and that is what makes me still stay single! Sorry I feel like I didn't give you a practical advice, but I wanted to share my story, and wanted to know how you are coping with it. It is for sure a pain to deal with such situation, and it is harder than we think, but eventually we should and will move on. Just stay strong in the mean time, and believe something nice will come along! I never gave up! Good luck to your life!
Author tinke Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 thanks for your concern. aside from some sporadic "tender" moments, i am moving along in leaps. i guess what it comes down to is that i am loving him less and less, and think of him much less. even when i do think those brief thoughts now, they are not longing, painful, thoughts, but rather disbelief of his callousness. i know in my heart i have truly moved to the place that i would not consider reconcilliation if ever an option. so therefore, i have to ask why waste the energy on why he did it. simply, i no longer respect him. so, although i am not ready to enter the dating world, i am not sour on the idea either. i do look back on all this and do feel some sort of pity for him. mainly because, i do not have to carry the guilt of hurting another by leaving or later wondering if it was the right choice...the choice to leave was made by another. and..i do know i did my best at the time. sure, not to say i wouldn't change things, but i did not know the outcome at the time. it certainly is a refreshing feeling to be free of those constant thoughts. now i am not saying i don't feel those triggers to memory lane at times, but, i am surely making progress, and looking forward to my furture. the longer i am apart from him, the more i realize his poor character in the way he ended it. being alone for a few years is no biggie...just preparing you for that right person. always herad it happens when you are not looking! take care
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