Situation

[Paper Doll]

Oh dear, I hope you are ready for a novel...I hope even more that at least some of you get through it so that maybe I'll get some answers. I haven't told anyone the whole situation, so I've gotten varied answers, and to be honest I don't really have anyone I can talk to this about....So here it goes:

 

To start from the beginning, which would of course be most logical, I had recently broken up with my ex of two years; we'll call him D. D and I talked for a while, and were pretty civil for a couple months, and then he became rather vicious...calling me names, saying things like "Well, I'm happy we're no longer in a relationship anyway cause I didn't like *insert whatever here* about you". After a while I grew tired of it and told him not to contact me anymore. Well, that lasted a couple weeks, and he'd be back at it again.

 

While all that was happening with him a couple months after we broke up, I met someone new. We'll call new guy M. M was amazing, hot, intelligent, funny...etc. Not to mention M and I met online through a forum just like this (well..the overall meaning of the forum was different, but that's besides the point). M and I talked on the phone for a few weeks, then he decided to drive 4 hours to meet me in person. We met at a mall, and I had a friend with me. Needless to say, we spent an amazing weekend together, getting to know one another. A few weeks later, after much talking we decided to try a long distance relationship (P.S. this all occurred over this past summer).

 

Here's the thing. The first weekend we met, he was unsure of whether he should get into a relationship, not only because he knew what I was going through with my ex at the time, but because he wasn't sure about his. While he still cared about her, he was upset that she had cheated on him. He also told me numerous things about her that he disliked and things they were incompatible about (her holding him back about things, hating his hobbies, trying to change him, etc...).

 

Okay, so we try the long distance thing. We have the same cell provider, and are avid online people, the communication was great. Not to mention we saw each other practically every other weekend.

 

Then he left for school which is about 14 hours away rather than 4. He got highly depressed right before leaving, and it only spiraled worse when he actually got there.

 

Just to make things even worse, my ex had decided to become a complete psycho. Posting explicit pictures of me online, txting me non stop, emailing me non stop, stalking me on the internet to different forums that I attended regularly, calling me. Well, I got fed up with it and called the police. It was a long, drawn out, very dramatic and very stressful case. All of this put a lot of pressure on M and my's relationship. I constantly went to him for help, I depended on him. He was very strong, and helped me. But about a month into this things between M and I began to change.

 

He started talking less and less, and it actually came to a point that he said "maybe it's a better idea if we just don't talk every day". I'm sure what I assumed has already run through your head. I had flashbacks of what D had told me (D and I really did not have a good relationship...), D only wanted to talk on his terms...etc. I was upset.

 

Then....the night of our 3 month anniversary (which no, I do not celebrate every month, just keep track), M called me at 3 am, waking me up. About 10 minutes later, after much silence on his end...He says "I think you need to break up with me. I cheated on you."

 

I was exhausted, shocked, and frankly thought it was coming anyway. I didn't "know" it would happen, just...pessimistic I guess. He told me that he had kissed his ex. Pretty much the only explanation I got was that she was there, they had kissed, she was STILL there while I was on the phone with him... I told him that I hoped they would be happy, and that I was going back to sleep because I had to work 14 hours the next day. He told me it wasn't like that, but said goodnight anyway.

 

Now to back track a little:

A little before meeting M online I met another man we'll call L. L and I chatted regularly, and our conversations were utterly amazing. It was obvious he was very very intelligent, and he was extremely romantic as well. He told me stories about his parents, how they met, how they grew up, how he grew up, what he hoped for his family, what he would do for his girlfriend/wife when he had one... I was in tears some nights because of how much I wished I could meet someone like that.

 

Then I found out he lived close too. We could meet somewhere that was only 4 hours away from me, 1-2 for him. Mind you, this was just before M came along. L was rather weary of meeting someone through the internet, but I kept persisting (nudging rather). But that ended once I met M. M was willing to meet me, while L was not. I was torn a bit in the beginning, because of how amazing L came across, I wanted a chance to meet him, to see if he was really the same in person.

 

While M and I were together, L and I continued to talk. This frustrated me to no end, because M and I didn't have nearly the same types of conversations towards the end of our relationship (in the beginning we could be on the phone for hours without a problem). It's rather confusing, but to put it simply, I was comparing.

 

After M and I split up, L admitted to me that he was angry with himself for not meeting me in the beginning. And a whole bunch of other stuff...So we ended up meeting randomly one evening, and it was an amazing night we spent together (no sex, just talking, eating, playing around like little kids).

 

That month and a half that M and I were not talking to one another allowed something to happen between L and I. Then M came back into the picture when I updated him on the case against my ex.

 

M told me that he missed me, that he was extremely sorry for what he had done. He understood what he had done was wrong. Basically all the things you hear from an ex that cheated on you and realized what he lost I guess.

 

A few other things were thrown into the equation though. I talked to his ex, and found out that she had been high and drunk when she went to his room because she lost the key to hers (P.S. We're all in college). He had not been getting much sleep because it was close to midterms and...well...I might as well add here that one of his friends in the service over in the Middle East had died, and apparently it wasn't a very peaceful death. She told me it meant nothing, and that they had both realized it was a huge mistake right after the first kiss, which had apparently been short lived. M had told her that he was thinking about splitting up with me anyway because of all the stress (which I'm sure you can understand just as I did why he was stressed). He hadn't told me about his friend dying because he knew how stressed I was about the case with D. So he held it in and didn't really talk to anyone about it.

 

M and I talked more and more, and L and I continued conversing. The more talking I did to either of them, the more confused I was about everything. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not go back to M. I talked to friends, family, everything. Everyone agreed that if I did date anyone it should be L, and I should wait.

 

Then New Year's came up. L and I had a huge trip planned together, but it ended up falling through because I was lacking the money. Then he came up with a smaller version, that we could actually follow through with.

 

M then asked me if I would still be okay to go with him for New Year's (he didn't know about the trip with L yet), because he was still meeting friends. That's when it hit me...I didn't want to be alone with either of them for New Year's, because of all the stuff in my head. I didn't want to be ALONE for New Year's either....I decided to go with M.

 

M knew about L, and visa versa. M told me that L would be better for me, at least that's what it sounded like. L is an engineering student which would mean financially set. L is extremely romantic, and caring.

 

While I was with M, I stayed down at his house with his parents for a few days before we headed to where the group of friends we were meeting was. I spent 5 days with him. In that time he treated me extremely well, his friends were amazing, though asking us a ton of questions (last they knew we had been dating), and his parents really took to me. By the end of my vacation from the stressful world, I felt pampered and relaxed. M and I decided to try again after much talking. His mother hinted towards us getting married, his dad actually sought me out for conversation and told me that if I ever needed somewhere to go, or if I just wanted to visit I should feel free to do so.

 

The night before I left to hang out with M for my mini-vacation, L drove 6 hours to apologize to me. On Christmas, he had become extremely frustrated with everything between us, and told me that it might be best for us not to talk anymore. I agreed with him, mostly because I felt sorry for not coming to a decision yet about either M or L, and I needed a breather. I couldn't just say "No, wait" because I didn't feel it was fair to L to wait. I thought he was insane, because he drove all that way to see me for 5 minutes at 11pm and then drive all the way back the night before I had to get up at 7am to go to work for 4 hours, then drive 4 hours to get to M's place. L and I came to the conclusion it was best not to speak until after the New Year.

 

The day I got back from M's, and got home, and online....The instant that is...L IM'd me. Last night I told him that M and I were back together, and he is pissed, upset, hurt......everything about it.

 

There are a few details I've left out to save your eyes from crossing. Hopefully not so many that you are confused...

 

I'm hoping someone has something...I feel horrible about L...and even though so far has been amazing with M, it has only been 6 days official now...

 

 

thank you....

Edited January 6, 2008 by Paper Doll

[JustinWolf]

Wow, thanks for the novel, could've kept it a bit short though, but there's details here that are very important.

 

I was in tears some nights because of how much I wished I could meet someone like that.

So we ended up meeting randomly one evening, and it was an amazing night we spent together (no sex, just talking, eating, playing around like little kids).

That month and a half that M and I were not talking to one another allowed something to happen between L and I.

I finally came to the conclusion that I could not go back to M. I talked to friends, family, everything. Everyone agreed that if I did date anyone it should be L, and I should wait.

By the way L drove 6 hours to apologise? Apologise for what? only for 5 mins!?!? Reading this whole thing, I can tell you if I was "L" I'd feel a bit hurt because like you said something sort of happened between L and you (funny, I was about to write U haha) I'm sure "L" felt that something was about to happen between you two and you guys had a trip planned together and then suddenly you tell him you can't and the next time he hears from you, you have a boyfriend, which is your ex. Yea, he totally has the right to be mad but, then again it's your life. You have the right to make your decisions. if I was "L" I'd be mad because I'd feel hope for so long and then realise it lead no where, you know what I mean?

 

Good Luck anyways. Keep us updated.

EDIT: PS, I can't believe I actually read the whole thing.

[Jordane]

OMG! My boyfriend came in the room as I was reading this and thought I was crazy...I have lost track of what you ever wanted to know.

 

What were you asking?

[JustinWolf]

She wants to know if what she's doing is right... I think.

[Jordane]

LOL...well we can't really decide that for you. Do you feel that you are doing the right thing? Why are you second guessing yourself?

[Paper Doll]

Oh dear, lol. I'm not even sure if I was ASKING question with this...

 

Just getting it out there, I suppose. To see if anyone had different views on the situation.

 

I agree that L has a reason to be pissed, if I was in his position I'd be pissed too. I told him that. I've also told him that if it's easier for him, we could stop talking. While I enjoy his conversation I didn't want to hurt him any more than I had.

 

I am surprised you read this, thank you, lol.

 

I'm pretty sure this whole "cheating" situation is different than most, because M put so much effort into the relationship in the beginning, considering the circumstances, and the fact that he never had closure with his ex, then mid terms and his friend dying all mixed in with my ex issues... The timing was all messed up. Perhaps that's my "question" -- Am I making up excuses? lol

 

 

*sigh*

[Trialbyfire]

Paperdoll, here's what I get out of your entire post. You're bridging from one man to another without taking a breather.

 

I think you need to take some time for yourself and find out who you are and what you want in a relationship. Once you've figured that out, perhaps you can find a man who also wants the same things.

[Paper Doll]

Thought about that too Trial. Thank you for bringing that up.

 

 

Since I was 14, I think I've had a total of a year to myself. I'm 20 now. A year would be stretching it though.

 

I have seriously put some thought into the being single idea, and while I was fine with it for a few months, something (er...someone..) always seems to pop up.

 

 

Thank you

[Trialbyfire]

I'm mentioning this to you because I can relate in the last year to an extent, although all of it was under different circumstances. I've gotten to the point now, that I can't even go on a date, where I don't feel unsettled by the thought of getting involved again. So, I've basically quit dating. Time for a major breather.

 

Someone does always crop up. It's up to you to not get involved. Don't let your desirability or self-esteem rely on having a partner. Once you get on this path, you'll find that in the end, it will erode on the person inside of you. Rebuild and if necessary, restructure.

[Jordane]

People can really come back from "cheating" and never do it again but...who knows? As long as you do not deny that he cheated and you do not excuse him for it by any means, I think you will be fine.

[vivrantflo]

.

That month and a half that M and I were not talking to one another allowed something to happen between L and I. Then M came back into the picture when I updated him on the case against my ex.

 

M told me that he missed me, that he was extremely sorry for what he had done. He understood what he had done was wrong. Basically all the things you hear from an ex that cheated on you and realized what he lost I guess.

 

 

Only you can decide if you made the right decision.. but Im skeptical of the fact that "M" professed his desire for you, AFTER you told him that you were moving on.. and after a month and a half.

 

My story is almost identical to yours, except I was "M" and my ex went to "L"

 

I hope you're making "M" work REALLY hard to earn your trust back. He cheated on you after three months, and he didn't really pay for that action. He got a one month break from you, to possibly explore things with his ex.. who knows.. and then gets you back.

 

Just be very careful. "M" didn't give you a proper reason as to why he cheated on you to begin with, so you don't really know what his motivation was for cheating on you.

 

Regardless, I envy "M" to no end, cause he's getting a second chance. I just hope things work out for you two, and he behaves himself from now on.

[Paper Doll]

Only you can decide if you made the right decision.. but Im skeptical of the fact that "M" professed his desire for you, AFTER you told him that you were moving on.. and after a month and a half.

 

My story is almost identical to yours, except I was "M" and my ex went to "L"

 

I hope you're making "M" work REALLY hard to earn your trust back. He cheated on you after three months, and he didn't really pay for that action. He got a one month break from you, to possibly explore things with his ex.. who knows.. and then gets you back.

 

Just be very careful. "M" didn't give you a proper reason as to why he cheated on you to begin with, so you don't really know what his motivation was for cheating on you.

 

Regardless, I envy "M" to no end, cause he's getting a second chance. I just hope things work out for you two, and he behaves himself from now on.

 

Thank you vivrantflo. I understand what you are saying about him having the chance to see if things would work out with his ex or not. I've thought about that too. My mind is one that considers seemingly endless possibilities, and it drives me nuts.

 

 

The difference is that M didn't know that I was interested in L until after he told me he missed me and all that other stuff. When I told him I was thinking about moving on, he backed off.

 

I'm crossing my fingers that it works out. Right now I just feel awkward and upset because I hurt L. L and I are talking on a friend-friend basis now, he says he'll be fine with it. But at the moment I am letting him initiate all conversations, because I don't want to give him the wrong impression.

 

M and I are both sick now too, so that isn't helping. But M is really trying so far. At least I have that to think about...

 

 

Thank you all for your replies

[terrus peeck]

Hey,

 

Poor 'L', he should of met you sooner. I guess thats all I can say. I hope it works out with 'M', and I was also in this type of thing, however, my fiancee had an 'L' and an 'M' and I was 'K'. I won. She picked me

[Ronni_W]

I have seriously put some thought into the being single idea, and while I was fine with it for a few months, (someone..) always seems to pop up.

 

It's not so much about the "being single idea" -- it's about being comfortable with your Self, by your Self, for your Self. That is, knowing and being able to meet your own needs and fulfill your own dreams...not NEEDING others to do that for you but HAVING in your life many people who support and encourage you to do that for your Self.

 

It's on on-going, lifetime process of self-development, not something you can say you were doing well for a particular period of time.

 

Just because good and nice guys "pop up" in your life, does not mean you HAVE to get all tangled up in a romantic relationship with them. That you are doing that, might suggest that you are uncomfortable with yourself...maybe because (as TBF said) you haven't yet taken the time to find out who you are, your strengths and interests and likes and dislikes, etc.?

[Paper Doll]

Hey,

 

Poor 'L', he should of met you sooner. I guess thats all I can say. I hope it works out with 'M', and I was also in this type of thing, however, my fiancee had an 'L' and an 'M' and I was 'K'. I won. She picked me

 

Lol, well I am happy for you. And to be honest, I agree with you. My thoughts were precisely "L and I should have met sooner" o.O

 

Though honestly, I've hung out with L a few times, and it seems that he is different IRL than online -- It's just one of those things I suppose. He's a good friend, but romantically I'm not sure it would work.

I also failed to mention that he is of a completely different race than I am, completely different upbringing with different beliefs, etc. While I believe a couple can overcome obstacles like that, I am not sure we could. He believes we could, it's probably just my pessimism.

And yes, I have mentioned to him that I am not sure that the "right" attraction was there.

 

 

 

I am constantly finding things out about myself, and ever changing. Everyone is, I think. I'm young though, I have a lot to learn. I understand that I don't have to be in a relationship. I have managed to be alone for short periods of time, and while I was I was fine. Yes, I got lonely every now and then but I was happy.

 

I'm not even sure how to explain the whole "he just kind of popped into my life" thing. That's about the only way I can. An attraction is there, and the relationship moves forward.

Edited January 7, 2008 by Paper Doll