shaynej76 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 You may have read my threads over the last 2 months. Well my ex-fiance and I are reconciling our relationship. We have decided to get back together but very slow. Although I enjoy being with her all the time and she is on my mind all the time,I cant get the thought of her @%$#* another man. And I know this guy because I was his boss. Some days are much easier than others although I have really bad thought of them two together and what they did when they had sex!!! It is the most painful thing i've ever gone through. She claims she is sorry and wishes she never did it,but I find that hard to believe since the affair had been going on for quite some time. I wish that it would of been some random guy at the bar instead of a co-worker. Also now I will have to live with the thought of her doing this again. What do I do,and any suggestions on how to forgive and mostly forget. Please help me if yopu've been in this situation before!!! Thanks for your help:lmao:
Harpe Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Shayne, why are you doing this to yourself man? Being in this 'relationship' is causing you agony. It is causing you pain. Is it worth it? Is she worth it? I will tell you now, it might get easier with time, but you will NEVER forget. You cannot forget. You know deep down that you have been wronged, that you have been betrayed, that you deserve better treatment. But you are not willing to go through the short term pain that ending things with this woman would entail to achieve lasting happiness. I believe that the only way you can truly 'forgive and forget' something of this magnitude is if you no longer have a romantic relationship with this woman. That goes for any relationship where the other has been cheating. There are no strategies that you can go through, no mind games you can play on yourself to make you forget. The only thing you can do is to force that thought out of your head when it pops up, think of something else. It will come back, again and again, but you have to keep forcing it out. Maybe YEARS down the road you will get over it. Maybe YEARS down the road you will trust her again. But in my mind that is only because you are sticking your head in the sand. So my friend, this will eat at you, and it will continue to do so for a LONG time. I ask you again, is it worth it? Do not kid yourself. Do not build the fantasy of a happily married family life blind you to the realities of what has happened between you two. Some things cannot be fixed, despite what Doctor Phil or Oprah would have you believe. Some things are broken for a reason. From what you have posted in the past, I really don't think things will work out for you in the long term. They may seem good for a while (though you will still be dealing with bad thoughts), but I believe that once a woman cheats (and in this case has a long standing affair!) it is only a matter a time before it will happen again. She is having her cake and eating it to, because you are letting her. I know you didn't ask for my opinion on this, but I am giving it anyways because I have been in your situation before (well, nearly). I have had friends in your situation before. I have read about guys in your situation before. And it NEVER ends well. I wish you luck forgiving, and even more luck forgetting.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Did you set forth some prerequisites to reconciliation? She needs to be at your disposal and meet your expectations and counseling would be the first thing I would approach. Be careful, they didn't come up with the slogan "Once a cheat always a cheat" for nothing.
kymberann Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Did the girlfriend and co worker get together when you were still with her or when you two had broken up? If they were together when you two were still together then I hate to say it but even being around her will be a constant reminder. If you two had broken up and t hen they were together, you got to look at it as a totally seperate issue. You two weren't together at the time and whatever happen is fair game. It sounds like she cheated on you in which case Harpe has given you some good food for though. Best.
NickP Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I left my gf of 2.5 yrs a few mths ago bcos she was disloyal. I know that I could never trust her like I did ever again. The relationship was tarnished, and forever I'll always have to look behind the curtains to make sure there isn't some1 else. I don't want to live like that. Think about what you want. Don't compromise what you know a relationship should be like and what you want from this relationship. And, be very sure bout that decision b4 u make it.
Trialbyfire Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 shayne, you're not married with family, with a lot of financial enmeshing. Please don't do this to yourself, to attempt to keep a cheater as a daily concern and reminder of her moral deficiency or weakness. It will slowly but surely erode even further on you, as a person. Walk away and find someone who deserves your love and trust.
Precious K Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 First of all you'll never forget. Its a thought you'll always carry with you. My ex f'ed a chick he said was only a friend. It took him about a year and a half to tell me what he did. Since that time I couldn't stop thinking about him sleeping with this girl. I lost trust in him. I personally couldn't take it. If you want this to work, you need to talk to her and regain what you've lost in her. It takes a lot out of you. And I wouldn't want you to go through what I went through. Just think about if you're ready to surpass this. People get over things like this and move on with their relationship. I just couldn't. Good luck to you!
changchewsoon Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 First of all, I'm truly sorry to hear what happened between you and her. My ex gf of 4.5 years cheated on me 3 months ago, as a result we broke up because I know I might be able to forgive her, deep down inside I will never be able to forget what happened. Moving forward, you will constantly have the urge to try to look over the shoulder whether is she cheating on you again. Yes, she may be extremely sorry for what she has done. But whats done is done, it can't be undone. Don't torture yourself, walk away and find someone else who deserves you. She don't deserve you, the moment she opens her leg for another person the relationship is already on a one way ticket to hell.
Author shaynej76 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Well I got advice from quite a few of you. Sorry to say the advice is helpful and pretty much the same answer from everyone. I get asked everyday at work what are you going to do. Jeez I dont have a clue. I love her so damn much and want to believe her but wow do I want to live with the thought of this everyday for the rest of my life. Not to sound concieted, but I am a very attractive man with his **** together,so what am I doing I think I'm ****ing crazy!!! Hopefully very soon it will dawn on me to leave her,but unfortunately right now I want the thought of us together forever. DUMB ISNT IT!! well thanks people
Lee725 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I love her so damn much and want to believe her but wow do I want to live with the thought of this everyday for the rest of my life. Not to sound concieted, but I am a very attractive man with his **** together,so what am I doing I think I'm ****ing crazy!!! Hopefully very soon it will dawn on me to leave her,but unfortunately right now I want the thought of us together forever. DUMB ISNT IT!! well thanks people Hi shayne, i seen a situation like this happen not so long ago to some dear friends of mine (both him & her are close to me - i was "piggy" in the middle during the time). Long story short, i will try to be objective and not dribble about it to much Together 5 years (ish) - she starts seeing her boss. She leaves her home & her BF of 5 years to be with her boss- first moves into another place & then in with him. The relationship is NO secret, everyone including all his family, her family knows. Her BF is devestated in every concievable manner, he has lost his one true love, he begs, pleads, cries for her to return. She stands her ground says no that she does not want to be with him. After 3 months with the boss she wakes up one night (it actaully happened like this) at 2 in the morning, there was no indicator of this happening & tells the boss she is leaving because she loves her BF & goes straight home at 2 in the morning to him. The next day she is back home with the BF, like it was before. Mind you emotionally and psychologically it was VERY different. Outcome Now 1 year on from incident: They are still together, they love each other emmensely, although they have big trust issues, he prefers that she does not work for fear of loosing her again. Snide remarks are sometimes passed about the "incident", she takes them in her stride but they come up because they are relevant to him. He has "forgiven" her otherwise they would not be able to have the relationship that they have now. He will never forget. It takes a monumental man or woman to stand back at the end of the day from these types of situations & forgive their partners enough to have a relationship that is forfilling & loving inspite of this being in the background. My advice would be to leave her, but as i say i have seen it first hand, so i know the relationship can work, if both people really want it to.
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