KATANYA Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 My MM's W of almost 30 years told me today that she asked her H for a separation- she told him not to come home (and he hasn't). She called me because she knew I had been through a really tough D and wanted me to help her get out - how do I find a place, etc. etc. I am still reeling. MM said NOTHING all week and this happened four days ago. She says she hasn't been in love with him for a long time and can't take his verbal abuse and crap anymore. She thinks he's seeing a woman at a club they go to (and its NOT me!!!!). I don't know what to do. I feel for her, I am SO not happy for either of them - I told her she needed to take time to think about this and try to work it out. She said she's spent too much of her life 'working it out' and she just wants to be happy and 'live'. I feel for her but also feel like I'm betraying him by talking to her or helping her. I feel that I should tell him she came to see me asking for help - if not I think I am betraying his friendship as well. How do I handle this? (BTW, she is not leaving him for the cheating, etc. - she is leaving because she doesn't feel she is in love with him and is not happy. And I dont have any intentions of pursuing him, the A is over and I don't think he would be any more faithful to me then he was to her).
Jordane Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Why would you tell her to work things out with him when you personally know what a scum bag her is? Give me advice, forget about him...you don't owe him anything. Be the better person and help the woman out, she could really use it.
lovelorcet Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Why don't you just tell her you were also sleeping with her husband. It will at least help her confirm she is doing the right thing.
OWoman Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I don't know what to do. I feel for her, I am SO not happy for either of them - I told her she needed to take time to think about this and try to work it out. She said she's spent too much of her life 'working it out' and she just wants to be happy and 'live'. I feel for her but also feel like I'm betraying him by talking to her or helping her. I feel that I should tell him she came to see me asking for help - if not I think I am betraying his friendship as well. How do I handle this? (BTW, she is not leaving him for the cheating, etc. - she is leaving because she doesn't feel she is in love with him and is not happy. And I dont have any intentions of pursuing him, the A is over and I don't think he would be any more faithful to me then he was to her). Kat - in your shoes, I'd explain to her that my friendship with MM makes me feel uncomfortable about getting involved in their D, and leave it at that. I wouldn't raise it with him, because he'd likely say something to her and that would put you on the spot. There are lots of resources available to people wanting to make a break - you're not her only source of information or support. Extract yourself before it gets awkward.
marlena Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 You are in an odd position. Ideally, it would be very nice if you could help this woman out and give her the support she needs. Still, I don't know if that's a good idea since you did once have an affair with her husband. If she were ever to find this out, she would feel doubly betrayed and hurt. She would also construe your help as being hypocritical perhaps. Perhaps like OW said, the best thing to do is stay out of it. urely, she must have other people who can help her.
OpenBook Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) I think there's more to it than the past A, though. If I'm not mistaken, Katanya, you work at the same place as both the H and the W, right? So there's the career factor to consider... and whether you will eventually need these people to be your references. Also worth considering (IMO) is what happens if, somewhere down the road, she finds out about your past A. Will she think back on this incident (her coming to you for help getting out of her M) and have a bad reaction to it? And if she does react badly to it, will this affect you? It may even be that she already knows something... and she's toying with you. Cat and Mouse. Edited January 6, 2008 by OpenBook
frannie Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Also worth considering (IMO) is what happens if, somewhere down the road, she finds out about your past A. Will she think back on this incident (her coming to you for help getting out of her M) and have a bad reaction to it? And if she does react badly to it, will this affect you? It may even be that she already knows something... and she's toying with you. Cat and Mouse. This is what I was thinking (both things). 1) What if she finds out later, as a result of the divorce and 'comings clean' etc? Possibly best to be involved as little as possible at this stage? Though perhaps that's why you're reacting a little and advising her to think things through (when it's obvious she's already made up her mind)? On the whole probably best to make your excuses and not get involved. 2) She might suspect you already... it has seemed like that sometimes in the past in your posts. She might be giving you the opportunity to come clean and help her out..? Very awkward position to be in and I don't envy you
nextel Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Stay out of it....A marriage is between 2 people. An A, consistents of many components. Stay out of it. MM has not mentioned it to you, don't go where you are not required. BTW: how long have you been seeing him?
Author KATANYA Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 Thanks everyone for the input. This threw me off guard. W called me this am and told me she was sure she needed to do this and would I help. I told her I felt really stuck because MM is my friend and I did not want to do anything to make the situation worse. She said she had no idea how to 'leave' and just wanted some advice. I told her I would call her back. I went on gut instinct and called MM. I knew where he was staying and told him I would be there in a few minutes with coffee, and that I was calling as his FRIEND. He was shocked and embarrassed. I simply told him that I cared about him and wanted to be there for him and that I was asked by W to help her leave. He told me that he couldn't live this way any longer and it was up to her to do what she had to do. He said he appreciated me being a friend to him and to her even though I had no reason to do this for them. He told me to help her if that's what she wanted and he understood why she would go to me. Seems I'm seen as the 'together' person that always knows what to do (ha!!). He told me that he would be good with whatever she decided but it had to be her decision. I called the W back and told her that I would bring her some info. if that's what she wanted. I helped her do a budget (she never does the shopping, etc. and literally had no idea how much it costs to live on your own). I gave her phone numbers to rental agencies, counsellors, lawyers, and a few other agencies that could help any woman needing to start over. I then told her that I had told her H that I was doing this because he was my friend and I didn't want to betray his friendship. I told her that I couldn't be anymore involved but that I really thought she needed to seriously consider what she wanted because no matter what settlement or what plans she made, her lifestyle was about to change considerably. She was completely shocked at how much things cost, how little she would have to live on and what options for housing that she could afford were available. She also didn't realize how much he really did that she never saw (all the shopping, bill payments, cooking, etc.) She started talking about how maybe things could be worked out but they would both have to change and I left it at that offering her my best wishes. Got a phone call from MM about 1/2 hr ago that W had called and wants him to come home to talk. Maybe its a fresh start for them or maybe just a continuation of what they've got. Either way, I hope the best for them. I do feel like a have my friend back (without feeling as lost as I was with ending the A). I also feel I at least tried to help W which maybe I felt some need to do. Either way, my involvement in their lives will be only as his friend and her acquaintance. I am finally over all the emotional rollercoaster of the A with no residual feelings for MM other than as a dear friend and as the man I remember being my friend years ago when I truly needed one. Hopefully, this is a new start for everyone.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Oh wow! You are much braver than me... I'd just stay out of it...I'm not sure why either of them would want you as their liasion...It strikes me as odd... Good luck!
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I agree with GEL, it is odd.. Can I ask? What are you getting out of helping them both? Also, do they not have other friends, family, that are closer to them that can help? I find it strange that you are involved in their marriage, their personal life, on a daily basis considering he is your exMM. Are you helping maybe to relieve some of your guilt? That you took something away from their marriage during your affair (yes it is over, but your affair with her husband still had an impact on their marriage). I just feel that if/when she finds out you had an affair with her husband and HE allowed you to continue to help her, SHE is going to feel awful and feel like a big fool. Like the joke is on her. Think about detaching from BOTH of them as this isn't a healthy situation. You may think you're completely over the exMM, but your actions (calling him, wanting to not betray HIS trust in you, you wanting to 'be' there for him) kind of shows that you still care for deeply..Which isn't a good thing if you want to move on with your life and find a single man to date and get serious with.
OpenBook Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Katanya, I think you handled it brilliantly! Way to go.
Jordane Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I agree...I think you did the right thing for both parties.
Lizzie60 Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 congrats to you for being such a good friend. You go girl!
lovelorcet Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I agree with GEL, it is odd.. Can I ask? What are you getting out of helping them both? Also, do they not have other friends, family, that are closer to them that can help? I find it strange that you are involved in their marriage, their personal life, on a daily basis considering he is your exMM. Are you helping maybe to relieve some of your guilt? That you took something away from their marriage during your affair (yes it is over, but your affair with her husband still had an impact on their marriage). I just feel that if/when she finds out you had an affair with her husband and HE allowed you to continue to help her, SHE is going to feel awful and feel like a big fool. Like the joke is on her. Think about detaching from BOTH of them as this isn't a healthy situation. You may think you're completely over the exMM, but your actions (calling him, wanting to not betray HIS trust in you, you wanting to 'be' there for him) kind of shows that you still care for deeply..Which isn't a good thing if you want to move on with your life and find a single man to date and get serious with. I have to agree with this. One day this is all going to blow up in your face and you are adding insult to injury by being involved with their private life. You are not her friend, you were the other woman her husband was sleeping with.
Author KATANYA Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Hi WWIU & GEL......I am very connected to exMM and, to some extent his family as, if you remember my last posts, we had been friends for over a decade before the A started. ExMM was and still is a very big part of my life and my children's lives. I ended the A (with no reason other than I couldn't bear losing the friendship and thought I probably had because I did not know if we could be friends after the A). I would never deny that I have strong feelings for MM...he has always been a real support to me and I know cares about me deeply but I know the A was not the right thing for either of us --it happened at a bad time in my life and in his. I probably did feel some need to help her on a couple of levels - first, I know how hard it is to start over and second I maybe subconciously wanted to do something 'right' by her. Either way, it is my nature to 'help' people I guess. I have no intention of beiing either's confidante or advisor to their M....I know MM would never bring this up to me (not his syle) and I think W was coming to me because she knew what I'd been through. She does not (as I've mentioned before) have much of a life outside her M, very few friends and is not a 'social' person. Her life is pretty much H and he really does do everything for her, which is sad for her. I really do hope the best for them and I'm not worried about moving on and finding a single man --- I've been out with a couple of men who just 'are not the one" and, ironically, met an amazing man (who is a friend of exMM and who exMM introduced me to at a meeting)who is presently separated (ha!) - so I'm staying well away from him until separated becomes divorced.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 She does not (as I've mentioned before) have much of a life outside her M, very few friends and is not a 'social' person. Her life is pretty much H and he really does do everything for her, which is sad for her. Then he has been part of her problem, by helping her, doing everything for her, which is enabling her behaviour to stay a hermit. He is partially to blame, he could have pushed her to volunteer somewhere, or encouraged her to go out and join a group, do some kind of hobby out of the house.
Recommended Posts