Sweets1919 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I am 34 and my bf is 31. We have been together for 16 months and it is a long distance relationship. Last year I brought up commitment and he said "wait until we've been together a year". So I did. Our anniversary came and went. I got him a card and he didn't get me anything. Then my birthday came and we spent the weekend together. We woke up one morning and he said "I like that we live separate and apart". Not what a woman who is 34 and who wants children wants to hear. I sent him an email later that day after being very upset and told him that I wanted him to think about what he wants in the future because I want marriage and children. I asked him to take the next while to really think about things because these are our lives and we need to be honest with each other about what we really want. He never talked to me about the email, but I thought he may be thinking about things. Then Christmas came and he got me a remote car starter for my gift. It is difficult for me because everyone at work and in my family asks "are you engaged yet?" and I feel like I have to pretend that I am ok with the fact that we are not engaged. At least if I felt like we were moving forward then I would feel less like I'm defending his inaction, but I have not been sure where we stand. So then my mom asked me today how things are with the bf and I told her the truth. I hadn't told anyone the truth yet, but I told her I am disappointed and that I don't know what is going on in my relationship. In the past when I brought up "commitment" to my bf (engagement/marriage) he has told me that I will never find someone as good as him and that if I think I can, then I should just end the relationship now. My mom was upset that he is not being more thoughtful or romantic in terms of romantic gestures. She said if he is not making an effort now when we are dating, that he never will. (i.e. he sent me flowers when we started dating Sept. 2006 and has not since. He has told me he did that and other romantic things, like plan dates, at the beginning to 'hook me'). So then I had a chat with my bf today (via phone unfortunately - LD) and said that I am wondering about our relationship and that I need to know that we want the same things and that we are going to be moving forward sooner than later. He asked me what i meant by sooner and later. I said sooner is by Sept. 2008 and later is 2009. He then said he could see us getting engaged in 2008 but probably not by September and we would definitely not be married in 2008. I posted about this last year (about commitment) and it is still on my mind. I want a boyfriend/husband who wants to be with me. Someone who really looks forward to spending time together, building a future together and a life together. Someone who says "I understand it is important to you and I don't want to lose you and we'll work this out". What he said to me today was not that. I teared up when I told him that I am afraid of not trying for children until at least summer of 2009 when I am almost 36 because I don't want to miss out on that part of my life and what I want in my/our future and life together. I told him I want us to have a family together and he said nothing. I was like "hello"? and he said "hi" and I said "do you have anything else to say?" and he said no. We talked again tonight briefly and didn't talk about "it". He made a joke about it and said "why did you call to fight and upset me today?" I said I didn't and that I called to talk today. My mom is convinced that this relationship is going nowhere and that he has tried to get me to agree to 'wait' another 360 days without bringing up engagement/marriage again. I don't want to be a sucker. I also know how hard break ups are and how terrible I'll feel if we do break up and I know we'll never talk again (as he has told me that if it is over, then it is over for good).
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 16 months isn't that long to know someone, and marriage is for the rest of your life. Wouldn't you rather he made a decision that felt right to him, no matter how long it takes, rather than forcing him to rush?
Author Sweets1919 Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) Yes, of course I would want him to be sure, and I suppose that I know he isn't at this point in time. It does bother me, though, that we don't talk about important things. We see each other on weekends, hang out, make dinner, rent movies, but no intimate conversations about hopes/dreams/future. We don't get to know each other more than just spending time hanging out/casual conversation. How can he become more "sure" if we are not talking about important things? One thing that has bugged me about my bf is that he seems a bit controlling. For once, he doesn't like some of my close friends (who live in another province). One girl he met last year for half an hour and he decided she was "loud" and the other is a male friend I have had for 10 years. The girl is getting married this summer and we are invited and he said he won't go. When we were in my hometown last year he refused to meet my male friend. The thing is, we often spend time with his friends here where I live and I would never refuse to spend time with them (especially with an excuse that one was "loud"). Last summer I was wearing one of those tops that are tight up top and then loose. I asked him what he thought and he said it made me look fat and pregnant and not to wear a top like that in front of him and he even said I should go change what I was wearing. He has also said that if I ever get "fat" then he'll leave me, that he wants a prenup, won't change a diaper when he has kids and that I'll have to move to his small 2500 person town (from my town of 1 million). All of that I was willing to "go for" yet now I am wondering. I keep thinking that I want a future with him, but my mom asked me if I really want to be married "to a guy like that" and it got me thinking....do I?? ***Mind you, we do get along well. We have fun together - we went quadding in the summer, played tennis, he calls every day to say hi and to say goodnight, he gets on well with his family, his mom and dad like me and even call me their "future daughter in law", we had a nice Christmas together, we went to see fireworks for New Years Eve, last year he said his house was a "cat free" house but agreed my cat could come for a week at Christmas, we went on a nice vacation in November. It is not ALL bad, but it sure seemed like it today once I got thinking about things. Edited January 6, 2008 by Sweets1919
norajane Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 No, sweets, I don't think you do want to marry a guy like that. And you definitely don't want to marry a guy like this: I told him I want us to have a family together and he said nothing. I was like "hello"? and he said "hi" and I said "do you have anything else to say?" and he said no.Not only does he not want the same things you want, but he's also a communication doorknob - you pour your heart out and he's got nothing, just like when you sent him your email and he didn't even acknowledge he received it. Give him more time if you feel the need, but I think you already know this guy is a bad risk if you really do want marriage and children. ETA: cat free house, eh? and what will you do with your cat if you were to actually move in together? get rid of it?
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Last summer I was wearing one of those tops that are tight up top and then loose. I asked him what he thought and he said it made me look fat and pregnant and not to wear a top like that in front of him and he even said I should go change what I was wearing.[etc] After reading this, it seems less of an issue of commitment, and more an issue of his personality just not jiving with yours (or any respectable female, it seems). As for the leaving you if you get fat--what about when you get old? You'll be less attractive then, how will he handle that? I think you deserve a lot better than someone who's foremost interest is in your body over your mind.
Author Sweets1919 Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 Thanks you guys for your comments. I basically told my mom all of this tonight (including my conversation with him) and she even said "where does love come into this?" Aside from timelines and 2008 vs. 2009 and "maybe" by such and such a date...what about "I love you" and "I want to be with you" and "I don't want to lose you". It can't be just about "when he is ready" or his idea of how long to date before getting engaged, he should be able to express his feelings of me being the one for him (not just saying 'you're the one for me'). And the sad thing is that I don't feel love at all in any of this.
Author Sweets1919 Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 Ah yes, the "cat free" house. I think this is part of his "control" issues. He moved into the house in July and said that my cat will "never" be allowed in the house and that if I were to ever be living in his house (after marriage) then I would have to make other arrangements for my cat. She is nine and my whole family here (I moved to this city a few years ago) and would never give her up. He said "so you'd choose a cat over me". He complains about allergies but cuddles her and plays with her when he comes to my house. After all of that, he then "allowed" me to bring her at Christmas. It seems like he just wanted to get me worked up over nothing so I am more grateful.
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Sweets, a relationship is about give and take...I read in between the lines of your posts that you are desperate for love, you are making so many overtures and basically the bottom line is that you want him to love you as completely as you love him. he doesn't. I would go so far as to add (and this is a risk, because I could be waaaaaay off bat here, so don't take it as read) that he even sounds as if he's glad it's a long distance relationship because it gives him the liberty to 'play whilst you're away'. I get this because the 'commitment' word is one that obviously makes him clam up..... Like I say, I may well be wrong, but it's a fairly common reason as to why guys don't like to be tied down.... Three things you need, as an absolute essential, for a good realtionship: Trust Communication Respect for your partner's dignity. Do these three things exist in your relationship? Do they support and underpin the fundamental Love that should be there as a given? Lastly - Are you strong enough to walk away, Right Now? Because I also feel there's an aspect on your side, that is there because you want to feel loved, not because you actually are..... BTW.... Children aren't everything. And age is another factor. Don't stay with him just because you want your hormonal urges fulfilled. It's not going to happen. This is NOT the father of your children. he's certainly not the one you should want, anyway.
Jordane Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 16 months is not that long and all this pressure you are putting on him about marriage is only going to drive him away. He doesn't sound like the sweetest thing ever but you are also freaking out a little bit too early. You cannot force someone into a marriage before they are prepared to be in one just because you are getting older and it is becoming riskier for you to have children. On that note, nor should you settle for someone who is not as much into you and being with you as you are into him. To be honest, your post comes off as very desperate which I would see as a huge turn off and it probably is to him. As for you getting fat and him not liking it...he could have been a little less "blunt" however, I feel that a marriage is like a contract. It is not fair that people go into marriages with a person thinking that they found the one and then the person completely lets themselves go. Why would you want to do that anyway? I think people take, "for better or worse" a little too seriously. Anyway, he seems like he just isn't ready for marriage and you could set all the deadlines you want but don't hold your breath.
Trialbyfire Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 A) Never pressure a guy to get married. It immediately gets their backs up. B) What do you see in this guy, that could be worth the way he treats you? C) Please, for your own good, quit wasting your time with this guy. The two of you have completely different life goals, where yours is to progress to a future together and his, apparently is status quo.
sarme Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Hun you want this guy to commit to you? Stop asking him about it talking gets you nowhere. You need to walk. If he loves you he will move mountains to be with you, when a man loves a woman he will let nothing get in the way of being with her and will do what it takes to get her back when she walks away. Men even leave marriages for the women they love, asking for a commitment is not unreasonable after 16months. I think your mom is right. So end it and let him know that you love him but this isn't working for you, a relationship is supposed to grow not coast. If he doesn't come back to you better to know now than to lose more prescious years from your life waiting, why waste another year waiting?
kiwiannie Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Your right! Im an old wise lady hon! Dont be ashamed of your feelings! if you want to be married dont waste your time with a guy who wants to linger on with you! and 16 months is a long time! Please hon Dont mess with long distance! find someone locally if you can please! I did that long distance it just isnt good. I think meeting anyone over the net even locally is a taboo! i met someone locally about 2o miles away just has it thing about it! So find a chuch make church family meet a man there! And get active there! But keep looking date from work remember if you want to get married stay with that! I agree with you!
torranceshipman Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Totally agree with SarMe on this one! He sounds like he is totally taking you for granted, isnt serious about you, and is stringing you along. Leave him - that'll give him a big shock - then as SarMe says, if he realises he loved you and made a huge mistake he'll move mountains to get you back!
kymberann Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I agree walk while the walking is good! He won't commit and he won't change if you continue to do the same things as well. I learned this after a year of dating someone. I wasn't looking for marriage but was looking to be exclusive. He could not even do that. But he would get mad if I dated anyone else. So I bailed and am walking. He gets his way! So let him have his way, it will drive you crazy to stay in the R hoping for something you are not going to get from him! Trust me on this I am on the tail end of the drama and am getting out! You deserve better!
GIVIN IT TO YOU STR8 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 He is not that into you and he is stringing you along. He wants to control you and he sounds like a grade A prick. The question is are you prepared to accept this? More fool you if you do!
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