maynicholas Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I need to be reminded why I am no longer with my ex. We were together for 11 years and I left him in July but we finally broke up in the start of November. I am finally staring to really miss him and we spoke on the phone a couple of nights ago. I miss my best friend. I know breaking up was for the best, but I miss having him to talk to. He was my best friend for 11 years. Our break up wasn't even because anyone cheated. Here is my first post here and why it all ultimatetly ended: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t107489/ When it finally did end, he said he wished I could give him more time. HOW MUCH MORE TIME DOES A MAN NEED!!!!! After 11 years? I miss him. I know it's only natural. I'm looking for support, similar past experience, or advice. We broke up because he wasn't ready for marriage. I was. We were together since we were 19. I left him (moved out and moved to a new state 7 hours away to go back to school) when I was 29 and we finally broke up for real a few months later. It is finally catching up to me. I have been fine for months. I have been happy to have moved on. But the truth is, I miss my best friend. He was my other half for so long. How do I deal with the late emerging feelings? The sadness is finally catching up to me.
dunstable Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I read your previous thread on this. Saw that the issue was that you want to get married after 10 years and he doesn't. I don't see either of you as right or wrong. You both have valid points of view. While you don't have children, it doesn't seem to me to be a big deal either way. When children come along, marriage brings in legal protections for the wife who is probably sacrificing career and income to some extent to care for the children. If the law is thought to interfere too much, it is possible to override it with a premarital agreement (though negotiating a premarital agreement can lead to nasty, damaging conflicts). It's not always the man that is reluctant to marry. Sometimes it's the woman because she feels at risk of being controlled, treated as property, if she marries. Sounds like you have reached a point where you would rather have him unmarried than not at all. Maybe you should give yourselves more time together and talk the issue through with a couples counselor. Is there an issue of power and control here? Do you both tend to want to impose your views on the other?
jcster Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I miss my best friend. I know breaking up was for the best, but I miss having him to talk to. He was my best friend for 11 years. Our break up wasn't even because anyone cheated. I know this feeling very well. My ex and I were married for 10 years and together for a total of 12. There were a few times that I asked myself "what the hell have I done?" And there are times where I miss the man who was my best friend for many years. What you need to do is trust yourself. Trust the person that you were when you decided to break up with him. She had good reasons, and even though the immediacy of those reasons fades with time - that doesn't mean that getting back together with him will mean that they are gone. Trust that you knew what you were doing, trust that you can be your own best friend, and that there are other friends out there that you haven't met yet. Stop trying to reconstruct the past with faulty memories and nostalgia. The past you remember didn't happen the way you recall it. You were there, though, and you did the best you could.
Author maynicholas Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 I know I don't want to get back together with him. That would never work out. I have moved and I can't/ won't move back since I am in school and he never wanted to move where I am now. I am just remembering the good times right now. Although I keep trying to put them out of my head and remember all the bad crap that went on as well. And there was a lot of it. Like how anytime I wanted to go do something fun and out of our normal routine- like take a day trip or something- I would have to beg and beg and beg him to go, to compromise, to plan a day to go another time if this wasn't a good day- only to never go or to go and have him pout for the first half of the day until he realized that I had actually planned something that was fun. I need to remember how he wouldn't talk to me when I would come home after a long day of work. He would sit there with his guitar and just grunt from the couch if I said hi. How when I finally told him I was going back to school he told me I was making a huge mistake. That was good. I needed to write them out to really remember what it felt like back then.
Racquel Colette Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 OMG, don't sweat this LOSER. Start dating other men, you will see how much of an ******* your ex is and you will wonder why you spent all those years with a loser ******* like him who just wants to sit around grunting from the couch and is jealous of your education and intelligence. Do you want to end up supporting a guy while he is sitting at home grunting on the couch? Better to be single than to be a sugarmama to a loser who grunts at you fron the couch.
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