nurd Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 hello everyone this is such a difficult time in my life an i'm in so much pain. i met a man via a music forum,,,,,,,we chatted for months and clicked well together. i fell for him big time. we'd never seen each other or met before and we finally got the chance to meet at a get together for members of the forum. he wasn't supposed to be there, it was held in his home town and i urged him to come. he came to meet me and i fell head over heels in love. i waited a coupla weeks before making my confession to him via private message and he said he felt the same; told me he'd been feeling that way for a couple of months and we started an online romance. we were both married and i knew he was happily married as he'd told me. the online romance went on for two months. i was deliriously happy and couldn't wait to meet up with him again after xmas(i approached him in november). he was so romantic and loving i couldn't believe my luck. everything was fine until he left me his last loving message on january 1st, early hours of the morning. two days later i sensed something was wrong and he told me he was scared, i asked of what, he said that his family loved him unconditionally and he didn't want to hurt them and he wanted them. i said my family loved me too and i would be destroying that. he said he was sorry but he was in love with his wife and it just devastated me. we carried on being friends and decided to meet up mid january to talk about stuff we couldn't type about. when i met him he was warm, loving. held my hand all day, hugged me, had his arm around me........... he told me he couldn't imagine life without his wife or the rest of his family. i was upset obviously. he said he loved me but not in the way i wanted, as a friend he said, though a special friend who was very precious to him. i'm afraid i got a bit drunk, kissed his neck and his face and finally his lips. it was only a peck but i was very emotional. he kissed me back too. i went home slightly happier after having seen him. we carried on messaging and then out of the blue a few days later he said he'd been dying to kiss me all day and that he'd enjoyed me kissing his neck. i couldn't believe it!!!! we carried on messaging but he kept slipping up(especially when he was drunk) and saying stuff that indicated the strong feelings he had for me(not just friendly stuff, romantic stuff) by march he told me he loved me deeply and that there would always be a special me and him place no matter what i'd said(cos i'd said that our feelings for each other were not the same, he loved me in one way and i loved him in another). i was stunned, but he was drunk so tried to forget it. in march we had another forum get together and he turned up though he said he wasn't coming. people were whispering about us cos he was all over me; holding my hand, arms around me, kissing the top of my head, holding me close to him etc............ we hugged each other for a long long time before he left.the next day he came back into the pub to see me off and spent another four hours with me talking with me, laughing with me, holding my hand, saying sweet things. after this i was convinced that his feelings were as strong as mine were so i messaged him and told him that i would wait for him if there was ever Any slight chance of us getting together in the future. i told him i knew he didn't want to hurt his wife, but that i didn't think he was in love with her cos of how he was with me, what he said to me, the fact that he'd spent two months romancing me. i told him to imagine life without me if he could and could he live without me? he sent me a horrible message back saying he could live quite happily without me. he also finally told me the truth about how him and his wife got together; he told me that he'd been in a perfect relationship then met his current wife and ended up walking out on that perfect relationship cos he'd fallen in love with, and was still in love with his wife. this gave me a mighty clue as to what was happening. i accepted this at face value and we carried on being friends. however.... in august he turned up at a mutual friends party TO SEE ME he said and to be with me. we had a brilliant time. we danced really well together and spent every spare minute together(everyone was talking about us again) all night and at the end of the night, we were both drunk, i asked him to come into my room at the bed and breakfast just over the road from the party.i swore i wouldn't jump all over him or compromise him in any way. he came into my room and we had a bit of a laugh. then he laid on my bed and invited me to join him. i laid comfortably in his arms and then he leaned over to kiss me. it started off as a peck but then he lost control of himself and we kissed romantically and passionately. i was delighted. my first kiss with the man i consider to be my soulmate. we gel on absolutely everything. we have the same outlook, music taste, sense of humour, everything(which is why i knew we'd dance so well together and we did). he jumped up and ran out of the room afterwards. the next day i received a message saying he was sorry and it shouldn't have ended up like that. i decided enough was enough and left the forum. i sat and wept for weeks wiling him to message me, willing him to phone me. i was in a right state. approximately six weeks later, after no contact whatsoever, he phoned me at night, sitting in his car drunk, in absolute anguish telling me he could't couldn't couldn't NOT have me in his life, that he would be sooooooooo devastated if i went out of his life and that his head was wrecked. he told me he couldnt give me what i wanted(he always says this) but he absolutely couldn't live without me. the next day i messaged him and asked him if he meant all he'd said and he told me he couldn't remember what he'd said cos he'd been drunk. i have now ceased all contact with him and told him not to contact me again (he told me he'd delete my number from his phone so he'll not phone me if he's drunk, cos he said he knows he'll be tempted) i'm now in absolute hell as this man is my soulmate. i know he loves his wife but don't think he's in love with her anymore. i think he's in love with me. some of the messages he's sent over the last year has indicated this, as have the times i've met up with him. he cannot hide his true feelings when he sees me but i know that at the moment he cannot think of breaking up his family. he IS happy with his situation, he's got everything he wants but i KNOW he's in love with me. i just don't know what to do. i cannot forget him, cannot give him up but we are not in contact at the moment due to my stupidity and letting him go. he is a proud and honourable man but very stubborn and thinks more of other people's happiness than his own, it's one of the reasons i love him so much. i know someone will come along and advise me to cut and run but i can't.this man ticks all my boxes and we are compatible on every level....sense of humour, intellect, outlook, communication, and we are attracted to one another very strongly......... i cannot give him up!
bentnotbroken Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 You forgot about how you both like to get drunk and cheat. Is this really someone that enhances your life? A lying, cheating, drunk. He sounds like a real winner. String you along for months and lie to his wife at the same town. Wow.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 You forgot about how you both like to get drunk and cheat. Is this really someone that enhances your life? A lying, cheating, drunk. He sounds like a real winner. String you along for months and lie to his wife at the same town. Wow. Yeah wow is right. She mentioned all up and down the post about this OM, but she hasnt even mentioned her husband or her damn kids! How freaking selfish is that!??? Wow I cant believe your husband is married to someone like you. If I read that post I would divorce you quick. You aint no good. You say you love your husband and kids and yet, your still willing to throw that all away for some rush of an affair? with him or someone else. Damn are you that empty and emotionally hallow inside?
bentnotbroken Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 My kids would always be worth more than a lying cheating drunk. Maybe you should tell your husband so that he can decide if he wants to stay with you.
White Flower Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I'm an OW and I find your post very curious. There is a lot of drinking going on and I wonder how much you really know this man outside of the fun you have while drinking? It sounds like your life isn't much fun. I'd fix that before I broke up two marriages. I'm not trying to be curt either. I keep implementing ways my kids and I can have more fun because my H is perfectly happy with his head buring in his computer 24/7. And once we D, our home life will be even happier.
imstunned Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 hello everyone i met a man via a music forum,,,,,,,we chatted for months and clicked well togethe. . . we'd never seen each other or met before and we finally got the chance to meet . . .and i fell head over heels in love. . . . i knew he was happily married as he'd told me. . . . . later i sensed something was wrong and he told me he was scared, i asked of what, he said that his family loved him unconditionally and he didn't want to hurt them and he wanted them. he said he was sorry but he was in love with his wife and it just devastated me. we carried on being friends and decided to meet up mid january to talk about stuff we couldn't type about. he said he loved me but not in the way i wanted, as a friend he said, though a special friend who was very precious to him. . . after this i was convinced that his feelings were as strong as mine were so i messaged him and told him that i would wait for him if there was ever Any slight chance of us getting together in the future. i told him i knew he didn't want to hurt his wife, but that i didn't think he was in love with her cos of how he was with me, what he said to me, the fact that he'd spent two months romancing me. i told him to imagine life without me if he could and could he live without me? he sent me a horrible message back saying he could live quite happily without me. he also finally told me the truth about how him and his wife got together; he told me that he'd been in a perfect relationship then met his current wife and ended up walking out on that perfect relationship cos he'd fallen in love with, and was still in love with his wife. this gave me a mighty clue as to what was happening. i accepted this at face value and we carried on being friends. however.... in august he turned up at a mutual friends party TO SEE ME. . . then he laid on my bed and invited me to join him. i laid comfortably in his arms and then he leaned over to kiss me. it started off as a peck but then he lost control of himself and we kissed romantically and passionately. i was delighted. my first kiss with the man i consider to be my soulmate. we gel on absolutely everything. we have the same outlook, music taste, sense of humour, everything(which is why i knew we'd dance so well together and we did). he jumped up and ran out of the room afterwards. the next day i received a message saying he was sorry and it shouldn't have ended up like that. i decided enough was enough and left the forum. i sat and wept for weeks wiling him to message me, willing him to phone me. i was in a right state. approximately six weeks later, after no contact whatsoever, he phoned me at night, sitting in his car drunk, in absolute anguish telling me he could't couldn't couldn't NOT have me in his life, that he would be sooooooooo devastated if i went out of his life and that his head was wrecked. he told me he couldnt give me what i wanted(he always says this) but he absolutely couldn't live without me. the next day i messaged him and asked him if he meant all he'd said and he told me he couldn't remember what he'd said cos he'd been drunk. i have now ceased all contact with him and told him not to contact me again (he told me he'd delete my number from his phone so he'll not phone me if he's drunk, cos he said he knows he'll be tempted) i'm now in absolute hell as this man is my soulmate. i know he loves his wife but don't think he's in love with her anymore. i think he's in love with me. some of the messages he's sent over the last year has indicated this, as have the times i've met up with him. he cannot hide his true feelings when he sees me but i know that at the moment he cannot think of breaking up his family. he IS happy with his situation, he's got everything he wants but i KNOW he's in love with me. i just don't know what to do. i cannot forget him, cannot give him up but we are not in contact at the moment due to my stupidity and letting him go. he is a proud and honourable man but very stubborn and thinks more of other people's happiness than his own, it's one of the reasons i love him so much. i know someone will come along and advise me to cut and run but i can't.this man ticks all my boxes and we are compatible on every level....sense of humour, intellect, outlook, communication, and we are attracted to one another very strongly......... i cannot give him up! I have attempted to do what one of the fantastic LS posters does for me in my posts - and cut your initial post and higlight the bits I want to point out to you. All through your post you say that this MM is TELLING you that he is happily married, cant give you what you want, loves his wife. You kiss and you are delighted, he runs away horrified. You ask how can he live without you and he says quite hapliy thankyou very much! You say at the beginning that you feel so lucky to have met this man. ?????? HE IS MARRIED. I wouldnt feel anything very very unlucky if I met a man I considered to be my soul mate but he was already married. He is TELLING you that he cant give you what you want. he cant love you the way you want to be loved by him. I'd listen to him if I were you. Chances are he is telling the truth - people BS alot in relationships, but not often on the negative stuff - thats probably true. LISTEN TO WHAT HE IS TELLING YOU instead of making things up!!!! Why do you think he is in love with you and not with his wife when he has said HE LOVES HIS WIFE? WHY do you think this man is honourable???? He is a liar and a cheat! Not very honourable in my book. And you are married too - you are risking it all for this selfish tortoured a**hole of a musician!! This man is not your sould mate - he is a A**HOLE!! He is a DRUNK! I know men like this VERY WELL. My father is a musician, and a cheater. An A**HOLE. Charming, funny, talented, a bit tortured, oh so talented, but a selfish A**HOLE. Its like they are made from a mould, I have met many since!! Your man sounds the same - and you think he is your soul mate??????? I wont tell you to cut and run. Whats the point. You wont. I doubt that anything anyone says on her will help you see clearly. BUT it is so clear that you really should!! You are married with kids, as is he. You are not listening to what he is saying!! You are living in a fantasy land. I guarantee that your involvement with this guy will bring you NOTHING but high drama and heartache.
Author nurd Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 hello everyone thanks for your comments. first of all i'd just like to say that me and my husband are now separated. i said i was married at the time but that was already on tenterhooks when i gelled with this man. since then that side of stuff has moved on. he and i are no longer together. me and this man are NOT always drunk, we've been messaging for over a year and have had many deep and meaningful conversations as well as having a laugh. OUR MINDS MET FIRST!!!!!! the reason i mention being drunk a lot is this is when this man gives me clues as to how he's really feeling, but having said that he has said things to me WHILE HE'S BEEN SOBER too. when i've pulled him up about those things he always says in retrospect he shouldn't have said them, but the really important stuff usually comes out when he's drunk, especially now when he's swore he won't say stuff to encourage me anymore. i was merely trying to illustrate how he really feels inside. of course i care about my child. he's a teenager now but knows nothing of this. my ex husband knows nothing of this. my husband and myself were due to split up anyway and this has happened despite me knowing that the man was rejecting me. the more i knew of this man, the more i knew that me and my husband were totally unsuited. of course i'm selfish. i want to be happy. i'm not going to defend that because i've found a man that's a '10' and am loathe to let that go - i'm 43 now and have been looking all my life for him. i know you have little empathy for me but that's ok. i just needed to get it off my chest and i have done. p.s i never said i loved my husband. i said the man loved his wife. i haven't loved my husband for years.
imstunned Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 ok - so we take your M out of the picture. Your perfect 10 guy is married. Nobody thinks that you shouldnt be happy, or that you dont deserve to be.. . but how can you think you will be happy in an affair with a Married Man? Has he given any suggestion that he will leave his wife for you? Are you happy to be his OW?
Author nurd Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 Hello again this man is not a musician, and i don't consider myself to be 'lucky' after meeting him because he's my ideal mate and now i've met him i know i'm never gonna be happy ever again. there's no one out there for me as everyone else will pale into insignificance by comparison. i can't have him so nobody else will pass muster. I'd just like to say that out of all my friends who know both of us and have seen us together, they all say the same thing; that he's in love with me. They know all the story, have seen how he is when he's with me in person, have seen how he is with me on the forum, have witnessed his body language. When he's messaged them about me , spoken to them in the chat room about me, they all come to the same conclusion. They say he is tortured and torn and i believe this to be so too. He may be saying he doesn't love me but his body language and what he says to me(drunk AND sober) indicates the opposite. I'm NOT living in a fantasy. i am a very perceptive person and can generally read people. when i met up with this man in january after he dumped me he told me via messaging that he'd been dying to kiss me all day. i was startled by this because he'd just dumped me and we met up to talk about it all. it was him that came onto me again after i'd tried to accept it was over. (he wasn't drunk then!). later on in march he told me he loved me deeply, couldn't give me what i wanted but that he had to tell the truth and that he could only give me what he could give me although he had a special me and him place, he was sorry it wasn't enough but i was his baby girl! this man takes his responsibilities very seriously. he's not a drunk. he works all week, does everything he can to make his family comfortable and then gets drunk at the weekend. he's no lush. he goes out with his mates once a week to unwind. what's wrong with this? he deserves it. he's an honourable man because he fell for me, against his wishes, but despite being torn he realises that he cannot be selfish and just break up his entire family. he's done this before (although he wasn't married then and didn't have a child), never expected to have to do it again. never realised that he'd meet someone else who he could gel with 100%. one of the things he said to me when he told me it was over was that he was scared of losing his family as they loved him, and scared cos i touched something in him and he thought that was wrong too as he already had everything he needed and wanted so he 'couldn't do it'. he later mentioned the love for his wife when i wouldn't let it go. i still can't understand how he looked at his wife for two months every single day and still came onto the forum daily to woo me and phone me etc....... you are being a tad harsh. you can't choose who you fall in love with, or when you're going to fall in love. the message he sent me to tell me he could live happily without me was rubbish. he was really cutting in it. he said it was 101% truthful but most of it was not, so i say that the majority of it was not. he was trying to be cruel to be kind, trying not to give me any hope because he is not going to break up his family. i know this, but it doesn't stop the feelings he so obviously has for me, and they're not ones of friendship believe me!
Author nurd Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 ok - so we take your M out of the picture. Your perfect 10 guy is married. Nobody thinks that you shouldnt be happy, or that you dont deserve to be.. . but how can you think you will be happy in an affair with a Married Man? Has he given any suggestion that he will leave his wife for you? Are you happy to be his OW? i don't know. i'm surmising that i won't be happy to be the OW, and he's never indicated having an affair apart from initially when we both admitted our feelings. i don't think he would ever dream of having an affair as he couldn't live with himself. i think i could tolerate it because i love him unconditionally. i know it sounds pathetic but as long as he was happy and i could have a little piece of him............ just something. i would be happy right now just to see him once a month to talk and laugh with him but he daren't do that because when he's with me he gives himself away and does and says things that let me know how he really feels about me. he's trying to keep me at arms length because he has to. he's trying to keep his marriage together. i know he loves his wife, he has major respect for her, thinks she's a lovely person etc... but i think there's definitely something missing from the relationship. he can talk to me about anything, which he can't to his wife. we have been very intimate and shared many confidances. he says i know him better than most people he's known all his life. we share the same outlook and politics and have the most absurd sense of humour. we even love the same music. yes i would consider being the OW but he just can't do it! I have to respect him for that because i know if we finally got together he wouldn't just be screwing around willy nilly, he has far too much of a conscience for that.
imstunned Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I dont mean to be harsh. And sorry If I misunderstood and thought he was a musician. .my mistake. I understand that you unfortunately cant choose who you fall in love with. I dont know what to tell you - The fact is that he is still with his wife correct? and you say that you cant let it go? The harsh relality is that if he wont leave his wife, unless you are happy being another woman, you may HAVE to let it go. I'm sure other LS posters will have better advice for you. x
Author nurd Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 I dont mean to be harsh. And sorry If I misunderstood and thought he was a musician. .my mistake. I understand that you unfortunately cant choose who you fall in love with. I dont know what to tell you - The fact is that he is still with his wife correct? and you say that you cant let it go? The harsh relality is that if he wont leave his wife, unless you are happy being another woman, you may HAVE to let it go. I'm sure other LS posters will have better advice for you. x hello again i'm sorry i wasn't aiming the harsh comment merely at you. some of the other comments were harsh also but perhaps it is my own fault as i haven't explained things very well. it was a long post, i had a lot to say and of course it's very difficult knowing what stuff to include and what stuff not to include. people on here don't know me from adam and i'm sure my posts are being misconstrued. i'd just like to say that neither me or this man make a habit of this. i arrived on that music forum six years ago and have spoken to many people on there and made many long lasting friends. as soon as he arrived last june we gelled and we corresponded via posts and later via private messaging for months before we actually met and decided we were both in love with each other. this was totally against our wills. we couldn't help it. we had feelings for each other before we met. then when we met we were attracted to each other physically too. it was I who approached him but he said if i hadn't approached him when i did he would have had to do it himself. i don't know what to do. i can't let him go but i know he will never have an affair with me because it goes against all he is as a person. i'm just hoping that they go their separate ways naturally. he told me they nearly split up a few years ago but decided to stay together because they 'wanted to make a go of it'. all well and good, but if they came to blows a few years ago then maybe they will again. I really hope that's the case, but as i said i have ceased contact with him now. i just hope he gets in touch again, though i doubt it because he knows how much pain i'm going through and he has nothing to offer me at the moment!
bentnotbroken Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Hello again this man is not a musician, and i don't consider myself to be 'lucky' after meeting him because he's my ideal mate and now i've met him i know i'm never gonna be happy ever again. there's no one out there for me as everyone else will pale into insignificance by comparison. i can't have him so nobody else will pass muster. I'd just like to say that out of all my friends who know both of us and have seen us together, they all say the same thing; that he's in love with me. They know all the story, have seen how he is when he's with me in person, have seen how he is with me on the forum, have witnessed his body language. When he's messaged them about me , spoken to them in the chat room about me, they all come to the same conclusion. They say he is tortured and torn and i believe this to be so too. He may be saying he doesn't love me but his body language and what he says to me(drunk AND sober) indicates the opposite. I'm NOT living in a fantasy. i am a very perceptive person and can generally read people. when i met up with this man in january after he dumped me he told me via messaging that he'd been dying to kiss me all day. i was startled by this because he'd just dumped me and we met up to talk about it all. it was him that came onto me again after i'd tried to accept it was over. (he wasn't drunk then!). later on in march he told me he loved me deeply, couldn't give me what i wanted but that he had to tell the truth and that he could only give me what he could give me although he had a special me and him place, he was sorry it wasn't enough but i was his baby girl! this man takes his responsibilities very seriously. he's not a drunk. he works all week, does everything he can to make his family comfortable and then gets drunk at the weekend. he's no lush. he goes out with his mates once a week to unwind. what's wrong with this? he deserves it. he's an honourable man because he fell for me, against his wishes, but despite being torn he realises that he cannot be selfish and just break up his entire family. he's done this before (although he wasn't married then and didn't have a child), never expected to have to do it again. never realised that he'd meet someone else who he could gel with 100%. one of the things he said to me when he told me it was over was that he was scared of losing his family as they loved him, and scared cos i touched something in him and he thought that was wrong too as he already had everything he needed and wanted so he 'couldn't do it'. he later mentioned the love for his wife when i wouldn't let it go. i still can't understand how he looked at his wife for two months every single day and still came onto the forum daily to woo me and phone me etc....... you are being a tad harsh. you can't choose who you fall in love with, or when you're going to fall in love. the message he sent me to tell me he could live happily without me was rubbish. he was really cutting in it. he said it was 101% truthful but most of it was not, so i say that the majority of it was not. he was trying to be cruel to be kind, trying not to give me any hope because he is not going to break up his family. i know this, but it doesn't stop the feelings he so obviously has for me, and they're not ones of friendship believe me! As the child of an alcoholic, he is a DRUNK. My dad worked every day of his life until cancer and drank the weekends away. Living his life in a haze for two days and recovering for three, that is alcoholism.
bentnotbroken Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 hello again i'm sorry i wasn't aiming the harsh comment merely at you. some of the other comments were harsh also but perhaps it is my own fault as i haven't explained things very well. it was a long post, i had a lot to say and of course it's very difficult knowing what stuff to include and what stuff not to include. people on here don't know me from adam and i'm sure my posts are being misconstrued. i'd just like to say that neither me or this man make a habit of this. i arrived on that music forum six years ago and have spoken to many people on there and made many long lasting friends. as soon as he arrived last june we gelled and we corresponded via posts and later via private messaging for months before we actually met and decided we were both in love with each other. this was totally against our wills. we couldn't help it. we had feelings for each other before we met. then when we met we were attracted to each other physically too. it was I who approached him but he said if i hadn't approached him when i did he would have had to do it himself. i don't know what to do. i can't let him go but i know he will never have an affair with me because it goes against all he is as a person. i'm just hoping that they go their separate ways naturally. he told me they nearly split up a few years ago but decided to stay together because they 'wanted to make a go of it'. all well and good, but if they came to blows a few years ago then maybe they will again. I really hope that's the case, but as i said i have ceased contact with him now. i just hope he gets in touch again, though i doubt it because he knows how much pain i'm going through and he has nothing to offer me at the moment! It was totally against your wills huh? That doesn't say much for two adults who should be able to think their way through their actions and act accordingly. You must have a hard time in life always doing stuff that you can't control. I mean it circumstances and situations can so easily control you, be careful, someone might put you in the position to seriously injure or even kill someone against your will. Free will is what separates us from the primates. You are in big trouble if you do stuff against your will.
Author nurd Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 As the child of an alcoholic, he is a DRUNK. My dad worked every day of his life until cancer and drank the weekends away. Living his life in a haze for two days and recovering for three, that is alcoholism. as also the child of an alcoholic i say he's not a drunk. i was a drunk for many years and then just stopped. i now drink when i'm socialising and yes, get drunk. but, just like the man i'm referring to, it doesn't take me over. i sat in the house for ten years bringing up my child, not bothering to go out. i am now in the position to go out again. he's not drunk all the time and neither am i. i can take or leave it and so can he. i think you are a very judgemental person and that is sad. as for me always being out of control. you are wrong again. i love this man and this man loves me. we have tried to be friends but he keeps stepping over the fence he's built to separate us. i have now ceased all contact because it is hurting both of us. if you think that is out of control then you obviously have a different definition to mine. being in love is something nobody can control. if you think that it is then you have never been in love. that is also sad. i feel for you x
OpenBook Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 as also the child of an alcoholic i say he's not a drunk. i was a drunk for many years and then just stopped. i now drink when i'm socialising and yes, get drunk. but, just like the man i'm referring to, it doesn't take me over. i sat in the house for ten years bringing up my child, not bothering to go out. i am now in the position to go out again. he's not drunk all the time and neither am i. i can take or leave it and so can he. i think you are a very judgemental person and that is sad. as for me always being out of control. you are wrong again. i love this man and this man loves me. we have tried to be friends but he keeps stepping over the fence he's built to separate us. i have now ceased all contact because it is hurting both of us. if you think that is out of control then you obviously have a different definition to mine. being in love is something nobody can control. if you think that it is then you have never been in love. that is also sad. i feel for you x Hey nurd, I for one think you're doing the right thing... in spite of how you feel. It takes great strength of character to do that. I also believe that being in love isn't something that we can choose or control. It is only our behavior that we can control... our hearts tend to have a mind of their own sometimes, don't they! And I hope you don't assume that all of us are judgmental and condemning out here in cyberland. Each of us has our own take on things, and we're not all going to agree. I think that in any case, you're heading in the right direction, and I applaud you for it.
frannie Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 ...he said that his family loved him unconditionally and he didn't want to hurt them and he wanted them. ... he said he was sorry but he was in love with his wife. ... he told me he couldn't imagine life without his wife or the rest of his family. ... he kept slipping up (especially when he was drunk) and saying stuff that indicated the strong feelings he had for me (not just friendly stuff, romantic stuff) by march he told me he loved me deeply... i was stunned, but he was drunk so tried to forget it. [March] ... i told him to imagine life without me if he could and could he live without me? he sent me a horrible message back saying he could live quite happily without me. ... he told me that he'd been in a perfect relationship then met his current wife and ended up walking out on that perfect relationship cos he'd fallen in love with, and was still in love with his wife. [August]... we were both drunk... he lost control of himself and we kissed romantically and passionately... he jumped up and ran out of the room afterwards. the next day i received a message saying he was sorry and it shouldn't have ended up like that. i decided enough was enough. ... approximately six weeks later, after no contact whatsoever, he phoned me at night, sitting in his car drunk, in absolute anguish telling me he could't couldn't couldn't NOT have me in his life, that he would be sooooooooo devastated if i went out of his life and that his head was wrecked. he told me he couldnt give me what i wanted (he always says this) but he absolutely couldn't live without me. the next day i messaged him and asked him if he meant all he'd said and he told me he couldn't remember what he'd said cos he'd been drunk. i have now ceased all contact with him and told him not to contact me again... i'm now in absolute hell as this man is my soulmate. i know he loves his wife but don't think he's in love with her anymore. i think he's in love with me. ... he's got everything he wants but i KNOW he's in love with me. i just don't know what to do. i cannot forget him, cannot give him up but we are not in contact at the moment due to my stupidity and letting him go. he is a proud and honourable man but very stubborn and thinks more of other people's happiness than his own, it's one of the reasons i love him so much. ... he's my ideal mate and now i've met him i know i'm never gonna be happy ever again. there's no one out there for me as everyone else will pale into insignificance by comparison. i can't have him so nobody else will pass muster. They say he is tortured and torn and i believe this to be so too. He may be saying he doesn't love me but his body language and what he says to me (drunk AND sober) indicates the opposite. ... despite being torn he realises that he cannot be selfish and just break up his entire family. he's done this before (although he wasn't married then and didn't have a child), never expected to have to do it again. ... one of the things he said to me when he told me it was over was that he was scared of losing his family as they loved him, and scared cos i touched something in him and he thought that was wrong too as he already had everything he needed and wanted so he 'couldn't do it'. i don't know. i'm surmising that i won't be happy to be the OW, and he's never indicated having an affair apart from initially when we both admitted our feelings. i don't think he would ever dream of having an affair as he couldn't live with himself. i think i could tolerate it because i love him unconditionally. i know it sounds pathetic but as long as he was happy and i could have a little piece of him............ just something. i would be happy right now just to see him once a month to talk and laugh with him ... i know he loves his wife, he has major respect for her, thinks she's a lovely person etc... but i think there's definitely something missing from the relationship. he can talk to me about anything, which he can't to his wife. we have been very intimate and shared many confidances. ... yes i would consider being the OW but he just can't do it! i don't know what to do. i can't let him go but i know he will never have an affair with me because it goes against all he is as a person. i'm just hoping that they go their separate ways naturally. he told me they nearly split up a few years ago but decided to stay together because they 'wanted to make a go of it'. all well and good, but if they came to blows a few years ago then maybe they will again. I really hope that's the case, but as i said i have ceased contact with him now. i just hope he gets in touch again, though i doubt it because he knows how much pain i'm going through and he has nothing to offer me at the moment! Hello there nurd. I've quoted all the bits that I think are significant here for my understanding of where you're at. You're in NC right now, yes? Because he phoned you up drunk telling you he couldn't not have you in his life, and then later had forgotten he said all that. That's not stupid (as you describe it), that's good sense. You talk about having met your perfect man, and how no one else is going to compare, and you're never going to be happy if you don't have this specific man. This is just setting yourself up for unhappiness, isn't it? Let's look at what he says: He loves his wife, he can't imagine living without his family, he can't give you what you want (he says this drunk or sober). He has said he loves you, and you feel that this is the case. He doesn't sound like someone who would have an affair, or if he did he'd be one of those push-me-pull-you types who indulge themselves a while, then get guilty and run away, then call again, do it again, and then go through the whole cycle over and over. Not a recipe for a happy affair. However, don't expect him not to get in contact again. He's done it before. But as you say, he'll have the same thing to offer you: nothing. And when he sobers up, will he have forgotten all about it? I do think there's something missing somewhere, otherwise why would he lurch around like this with his feelings? However, while he does need you to be there and want him, he has, as you say, nothing to offer you in return. He just needs you to be there on the end of the phone, or at the party, or wherever, so he can get whatever it is he's getting out of this limited contact, the occasional kiss, etc. I see that you talk of if he leaves, despite him saying he doesn't want to leave. I see you pick up on things he's said: that they almost split some time ago, that he's left a 'perfect situation' before, because he fell in love. And here you are imagining that it's happening again to him: he's fallen in love, he's scared of the consequences of that. So you're NC, but you're hoping. And you're wondering what to 'do'. And you can't see anything but him, your perfect 10... and hope, hope, hope that things will change for them... despite all he says. Because you are a good judge of people and situations, and it's happened to him before in similar circumstances..? Torture, essentially. You want something you almost certainly can't have. And you've made your future happiness dependent on having it
bentnotbroken Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 as also the child of an alcoholic i say he's not a drunk. i was a drunk for many years and then just stopped. i now drink when i'm socialising and yes, get drunk. but, just like the man i'm referring to, it doesn't take me over. i sat in the house for ten years bringing up my child, not bothering to go out. i am now in the position to go out again. he's not drunk all the time and neither am i. i can take or leave it and so can he. i think you are a very judgemental person and that is sad. as for me always being out of control. you are wrong again. i love this man and this man loves me. we have tried to be friends but he keeps stepping over the fence he's built to separate us. i have now ceased all contact because it is hurting both of us. if you think that is out of control then you obviously have a different definition to mine. being in love is something nobody can control. if you think that it is then you have never been in love. that is also sad. i feel for you x Did you or did you not say that it was against your wills. That implies not in control.
Author nurd Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 thanks for that. yes, what you're saying is essentially it. i have set myself up for no happiness in the future, but that's because i KNOW that he is the one. i'm 43 and not a schoolgirl. i am a sociable in your face kinda person. i have met many hundreds, if not thousands, of men and nobody has even begun to tick all my boxes. this man is so alike me in so many ways but unalike me in others. don't forget, we have shared many intimacies, stuff he can't discuss with his wife he has spoken to me about with ease. This is not just a romantic relationship; we love and trust each other very intimately. There has NEVER been any sexual overtones/undertones in the relationship though we are attracted physically. Our relationship has always been based on mutual affection, trust and respect from the very beginning. If i could have remained friends with him then i would have done but it was he who kept crossing the fence HE HAD BUILT. I crossed it ONCE in january when we met up to talk about him dumping me. after that i never crossed it again. He has then crossed the line several times while I have maintained some sort of distance. it is he who has instigated that sense of hope in me. as for him contacting me again. i cannot see that. he said he would delete my phone number from his mobile and i believe he has done that. i have left the music forum that we are both members of so he cannot private message me anymore, so i cannot see that he will be able to contact me in the future even if he wanted to. i am very sad about this as i have come to look upon him as a close and trusted friend as well as the man that i love. i know he feels the same about me but i also know that he will respect my wishes if i no longer want any contact. yes, i'm going to be miss haversham for the rest of my life now and that is sad, to have no hope of another relationship, but when you've met your other half perhaps you'll understand where i am coming from. this man completes me when i meet him and i am empty once he goes away again. it all sounds ridiculous and far fetched but it is the truth. I stopped having romantic fantasies in my teens as life soon beats that out of you. if this man wasn't the one i could have walked away straight away. i've had relationships, out of kilter relationships............i've met men that i've had doubts about.........you know, i love this about them, but this really gets on my nerves but i'll learn to live with it etc....... but this man meets me on every level........... he feels the same..........one thing he said to me in march, which meant the world to me, and which he said was a throwaway comment afterwards(when i asked him in a private message if there was ever any chance for me in the future) was 'i've come to see you cos you satisfy my soul' and the look on his face when he said it!!!!!!!..............i was absolutely stunned and couldn't say anything cos it was the most wonderful thing anyone had ever said to me. he wasn't drunk then and he meant it!!!! This is why i find it hard to walk away.
Author nurd Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 Did you or did you not say that it was against your wills. That implies not in control. is anyone in control of who they fall in love with? well that's ok then.i shall just go pick a man out of a catalogue and marry him then seeing as love is not an emotion but a choice!
bentnotbroken Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 is anyone in control of who they fall in love with? well that's ok then.i shall just go pick a man out of a catalogue and marry him then seeing as love is not an emotion but a choice! Love is a choice. If it weren't why didn't you chose to stay in love with the person you are living with? Why don't you love the old man down the street, the bum on the corner, the kid on the bike. They are all choices. You choose you type and what you want. You choose to give dating a chance. You choose whether or not to go on a 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th date. You choose to let walls down and let someone get closer to you. You choose to dwell on the positve attributes of the person instead of the negative ones. You chose to think about that person in a romantic way. You choose to consider marriage and happily ever after. You choose to say vows and love them in spight of the times that they hurt you. You choose to allow you emotions to lead you. The sad thing about being led by emotions is that they are ever changing and evolving and sometimes they they led us to do things that will leave us hurt and bewildered. That's why when emotions are running high and about to take over, you step back, take a deep breath, use sound judgment and control the emotion. If I allowed my emotions to rule me, OW and Mr. Messy Pants would be heard from no more.
frannie Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 thanks for that. yes, what you're saying is essentially it. i have set myself up for no happiness in the future, but that's because i KNOW that he is the one. i'm 43 and not a schoolgirl. i am a sociable in your face kinda person. i have met many hundreds, if not thousands, of men and nobody has even begun to tick all my boxes. as for him contacting me again. i cannot see that. he said he would delete my phone number from his mobile and i believe he has done that. .. i also know that he will respect my wishes if i no longer want any contact. yes, i'm going to be miss haversham for the rest of my life now and that is sad, to have no hope of another relationship, but when you've met your other half perhaps you'll understand where i am coming from. This is why i find it hard to walk away. Hello again. Yes, I'm 45, and almost four years ago met a man, married, who I felt the same way about and still do. We're not in NC, but continuing an affair isn't something that's going to happen any longer. When we have been NC in the past he has honoured that completely, so yes it can happen. I don't think he'd ever contact me again unless he was single (and I'd agreed that I wanted to hear from him in those circumstances). It hasn't quite come to NC yet, but it might well do eventually. While I feel this way about him (similar to the way you described), I'm not going to shut myself off from happiness for the rest of my life, simply because I met one person I felt that way about. Not if he can't leave. So... I understand how you feel
Author nurd Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Love is a choice. If it weren't why didn't you chose to stay in love with the person you are living with? Why don't you love the old man down the street, the bum on the corner, the kid on the bike. They are all choices. You choose you type and what you want. You choose to give dating a chance. You choose whether or not to go on a 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th date. You choose to let walls down and let someone get closer to you. You choose to dwell on the positve attributes of the person instead of the negative ones. You chose to think about that person in a romantic way. You choose to consider marriage and happily ever after. You choose to say vows and love them in spight of the times that they hurt you. You choose to allow you emotions to lead you. The sad thing about being led by emotions is that they are ever changing and evolving and sometimes they they led us to do things that will leave us hurt and bewildered. That's why when emotions are running high and about to take over, you step back, take a deep breath, use sound judgment and control the emotion. If I allowed my emotions to rule me, OW and Mr. Messy Pants would be heard from no more. ah i see where you're coming from now. well, yeah, obviously we choose the kind of people that float our boats. that is definitely a choice. we also choose whether to get to know them better or not........but there just comes a time when you go so far and then there's no going back even if you wanted to. yeah, i could have left the forum immediately as soon as i had feelings for this man and that is where i got out of control. i couldn't leave, felt compelled to stay, just as i felt compelled to keep on communicating with him and finally telling him my feelings. you know i look at it this way. just because he found his wife and they married it doesn't mean that they are the best fit to be together. he lives in a different city from me so i never had the opportunity of meeting him anyway so the odds were stacked against me weren't they? so does that mean that we can only have a limited choice? we always end up marrying/being with someone who lives in the same city. A bit unfair that isn't it? there's a whole world out there and there's supposed to be someone for everyone. so we make mistakes and just go for 'best fit' in the end because of this. I am sorry he's married. i'm sorry i married someone who was 'best fit' at the time, but i can rectify that. well i could rectify that if he would do the same. obviously he isn't prepared to rectify it despite telling me i'm his soul mate.................of course he loves his wife, respects her, is happy with her, but, as far as i'm concerned he's settling for second best. there is a gaping hole in their relationship. it's not fair on him, it's not fair on her, it's not fair on the kids, it's not fair on me but i know life's unfair. i have to accept it. what you have to accept is that not everyone is like you. people are all different with different ways of reacting to problems. so you can contain your emotions. that's great. way to go. i happen to be an extremely emotional person who has more trouble reigning them in than you do. i don't envy you, i don't dismiss you or dislike you for being different to me. we just differ is all. i wouldn't dream of criticising you for being less emotional than myself. it's just the way things are.
Author nurd Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Hello again. Yes, I'm 45, and almost four years ago met a man, married, who I felt the same way about and still do. We're not in NC, but continuing an affair isn't something that's going to happen any longer. When we have been NC in the past he has honoured that completely, so yes it can happen. I don't think he'd ever contact me again unless he was single (and I'd agreed that I wanted to hear from him in those circumstances). It hasn't quite come to NC yet, but it might well do eventually. While I feel this way about him (similar to the way you described), I'm not going to shut myself off from happiness for the rest of my life, simply because I met one person I felt that way about. Not if he can't leave. So... I understand how you feel sorry for sounding so patronising. i don't know how you are managing to cope. i'm not. i know he won't, but i hope to god he contacts me, under any circumstances!
frannie Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 sorry for sounding so patronising. i don't know how you are managing to cope. i'm not. i know he won't, but i hope to god he contacts me, under any circumstances! I'm coping because after years of having your future in the hands of someone who can't make up their mind what they want to do, you get to a point where being in control of your own life is far preferable I wouldn't exchange where I am now for where you are, hoping that someone else will do something that will make me happy... it's probably one of the worst situations I've ever been in. And that despite the fact I know he loves/loved me, and how well he treated me and how everything was objectively good.
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