I Am The Ow, Need Advise Again

[melbar68]

I Recently Posted A Thread Here About Me Being The Other Woman And How Much I Want To Leave The Relationship Because It Hurts How Much I Love Him And It Hurts More That He Goes Home To His Wife.

 

Well We Met Today He Called Me Mid Day That His Wife Was Going To Be Out So We Could Meet. We Did All We Did Was Hug, Kiss And Hold Hands. I Love The Attention I Get From Him.

 

I Asked Him For The First Time If He Would Ever Leave His Wife Not For Me, But Just In General If He Ever Had Plans On Leaving His Wife And He Told Me Eventually When His Children Were Older He Will And I Asked How Do You Know If In 10 Years You Will Be Ready To Leave When Alot Of Things Can Happen In Those 10 Years ( His Children Are About 7 & 8) He Just Said That He Is Not Happy With His Wife And She Doesnt Turn Him On And Of Course I Stated That Those Things Can Change And He Swore This Would Not Change.

 

He Then Told Me That He Wants So Bad To Leave His Wife To Be With Me But There Were To Many Things In Between For One We Live About 40 Miles Apart, I Will Not Move To Where He Lives And He Will Not Move To Where I Live, Our Jobs Are To Far For Either One Of Us To Move. I Am A Clean Freak And He Says That Would Drive Him Crazy Because He Saves Everything And I Throw Everything Out. Stupid Little Things. His Car Was Not Reliable Enough. But He Said He Realy Wants Us To Live Closer So That We Can See Eachother More.

 

I Know All This Sounds Stupid Since We Have Only Been Having This Affair Six Months And Something In My Guts Tell Me We Dont Have A Future Together, But I Am So In Love With Him. Everytime I Looked At Him I Wanted To Tell Him That I Need To Break It Off And At The Same Time I Wanted So Much To Tell Him How Much I Love Him. He Says It All The Time, I Love You I Miss You, I Love You, I Miss You On The Other Hand I Can't Because It Breaks My Heart To Say It Because I Want To Cry From Those Feelings And I Dont Want Him To See That.

 

Am I Crazy Is Something Wrong With Me. Can I Be That In Love With Him. Maybe He Just Knows What To Say. He Does Compare His Wife To Me He Tells Me We Are Totally Different In Everyway I Have Seen A Picture Of Her And I Do Look Much Younger Than Her Even Though She Is Six Years Younger. She Is I Very Heavy Woman Which I Have Been There At Her Size 24, But Now I Am Down To 12 So I Know What He Means When He Says He Is Turned Off, But What If I Start Looking Older And Get Fat Again.

 

He Sys That Would Never Happen, But It Could And He Says It Doesnt Matter He Will Always Be In Love With Me. Why Isnt He In Love With His Wife Then? He Says She Is Not What He Expected In A Wife.

 

I Dont Know I Am Confused And Everythime I Am With Him I Want Him More But I Am More Confused.

Edited January 6, 2008 by melbar68
LEFT WORD OUT

[Enema]

You're only supposed to capitalize the first letter of the first word in your sentence, or proper nouns and names; like Christmas, Monday, John etc.

 

Capitalizing every word is very unpleasant to read.

 

That said, your story is textbook cheating husband. Tells his OW he loves her wants to be with her, but won't break up with his wife because <insert random lame excuse>.

 

You're being used and it will continue until you no longer hold interest for him. And yes, when you get fat and old he'll probably find someone else.

[melbar68]

my computer does the capitalizing sorry my mistake

[Lyssa]

Melbar, I am sorry that you're going through this. It hurts when one wants something more and the other can't quite make up their mind.

 

What is it that you really want? I know you love and want to be with him but to me, he doesn't sound like he wants to leave his M. Not anytime soon, anyway. But are you willing to wait? I know some OW are willing to do so but it doesn't mean it's a good idea to put your life on hold and wait for someone who isn't sure of what he wants.

 

Your feelings should be your first priority. Put you first before him.

[whichwayisup]

6 months in, you don't have alot invested in him. You may think you "LOVE" him, but you are only basing that on the good stuff. You don't know anything about him, who he really is behind closed doors in his real life. He only will show you the good side, share the good stuff with you. You don't get to deal with bad and ugly crap.

 

He has told you he isn't leaving his wife. Atleast not for 10 years or more. So, are you now going to sit and wait for him for 10 years? See if he actually leaves his wife? Do you plan on being the OW for that long? Hiding and helping him deceive his wife, his whole family, his friends, his collegues, neighbours...Do you really want to settle for less? ALL because you love a man whom you can never really have? For only 6 months?

 

Please seek some counselling because I think you have a self esteem problem too. You are relying on him to make you feel good and making your whole world about him.

[justice]

With all that being said, and all of the excuses he just gave you, it's clear as the nose on your face that he isn't going to leave his wife for you and if I were you, I'd just get out of that scene right now. Also it sounds like you have some valid and huge insecurities and doubts. Don't do it, you'll end up wasting years of your life for someone who only treated you as second best and will use you up until he moves on to someone else. Sorry.

[Jordane]

Yup, there is something wrong with you. So you're half the size of his wife, that makes you so much better than her? I wear a size 0 dress and am probably at LEAST 10 years younger than you...how much would you like to bet that if he had the time of day with me, he'd leave you at the drop of a dime?

 

Okay, so that's unrealistic and kind of mean but it's true. You are currently the best he can do, the one that will put up with the bull**** of being a sex object to him and let him do as he pleases without consequences. You are NOT going to get what you want out of this relationship! You are going to wait 10 years for him to leave his wife?! People divorce all the time when they have children...he doesn't seem like such a great guy that that would be a huge concern for him. His wife is obviously meeting needs of his that you won't and you are meeting needs she wont. He has the best of both worlds!!!!!! Why is that not registering?!

[White Flower]

One of your problems is focusing too much on image. Some men love skinny girls; some love heavy girls. Some MM are totally in love with the OW and others are serial cheaters and will string many along. You need to figure this one out.

 

My MM likes heavier women. It's too bad his W spends every day in the gym making herself look like a twig. She could stay home, sleep in and have some wild sex if she gained a few pounds. Go figure. But it is not my point to brag; rather, it is to help you understand this man you are with. Are you good at spotting a liar? Is he stringing you along? Will he dump you as soon as you gain a few pounds? Does he like variety? Maybe he wants a fat one at home and a thin one on the side. (These are questions I ask myself as well.)

 

He may just be saying he doesn't like how large she got to build your self-esteem. He may be telling her at home that he prefers her that way and she better not lose any weight. Point again is you need to figure him out. Once you really know who he is, you can decide if you want to keep him around.

 

And it surprises me that 40 miles is too far for love.

[nextel]

You sound so young. If a man is telling you that he can't leave for another 10 years, its best you move on. Time waits for no one. You might be waiting on him, but there are no guarantees. He might decide to be with someone else while stringing you along. While you still have the beauty and luxury of seeing other people, use it wisely. If you wait 10 years, you might not look the same and all the things he liked in you will be gone.

 

My point is this.....just move on. He is wasting your time. You are hurting because you know very well that he does not have good intentions. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask if you deserve to be in this kind of position, waiting for him for a long time?

 

If you still dont have an answer, the next time you speak with MM, ask him if you deserve what he is offering you. Yes, or no is the only answer you want. Chances are that he will offer you a long explanation. Then ask him what he thinks you deserve.

 

Listen to your inner voice. You happiness is most important. If someone is not making you happier, move on. You can be miserable by yourself, you dont need someone else to do that to you.

[melbar68]

I really want to thank you guys for all your constructive critisizim, i do take it to heart. Maybe he does tell his wife he likes her the way she looks for all i know and here i am going to the gym everyday trying to look better. As for my self esteem i have a high self esteem, yes i got caught up with a married man only because that is what i wanted at first since i live with someone for 10 years and was not ready to have him go i figured if i met someone who was in the same situation or atleast similar it wouldnt take up much of my time and i can get what i want on the side, i just didnt want anyone who would demand to much time from me so that my SO would know what i was doing, but i didnt expect to fall in love or lust which ever it happens to be. i know i dont deserve this i deserve better and believe it or not MM tells me that also and that he knows one day i will get sick of him and drop him, but that would be a nightmare to him because he will never get over me, which is all good, but as much as i want to stop it now i also want more and more everytime i see him. we didnt see eachother for two weeks since i was on vacation in florida for a week and we saw eachother yesterday which was even more incredible because we never went two weeks without seeing eachother, i dont need counseling i am a very strong woman and i think i cope and deal with anything without losing it, maybe i just needed someone to tell me what you guys are saying. i know i wont wait ten years of course not at some point i am going to leave and ask him to look me up when he is divorced eventually i know and i know the time is coming, but we have a vacation planned and bought tickets already for june so that we can spend a few days together not sneaking around like we do here i want that vacation so much then again can i stand it until then?

[norajane]

Are you still with your SO???

i know i wont wait ten years of course not at some point i am going to leave and ask him to look me up when he is divorced

Leave now. Why waste more of your life, time you will NEVER get back, on someone who has already told you he has no intention of leaving for years? What is the point?

 

If you are so attached to him 6 months in, how much more attached do you think you'll get the longer you stay with him, and how much harder do you think it will be to leave later?

 

As for your vacation, is it worth giving lying, cheating, and sneaking around for 6 more months just to get a few days where you can pretend you are not sneaking around? Going away together doesn't mean you aren't sneaking around - it just means you've gone to further lengths to sneak around.

[frannie]

Maybe he does tell his wife he likes her the way she looks for all i know and here i am going to the gym everyday trying to look better.

 

[MM] knows one day i will get sick of him and drop him... i know i wont wait ten years of course not at some point i am going to leave and ask him to look me up when he is divorced.

 

As much as i want to stop it now i also want more and more everytime i see him.

 

Maybe i just needed someone to tell me what you guys are saying.

 

... but we have a vacation planned and bought tickets already for june

 

... then again can i stand it until then?

 

These are the kinds of things you ask yourself when you're the OW. You're going through exactly the kinds of things every OW goes through...

 

Unless you want to end it, and more than that need to end it and are ready to end it, you won't be able to. And even when that time comes, it will be incredibly difficult.

 

Probably very little anyone says to you here will get you to that place much quicker. Not in my experience anyway . And not while you've got vacations planned, and not while you want more and more of him.

 

In the meantime I'd say: be the size and shape you want to be for you. Why spend your life pleasing others and trying to fit into what you think they prefer? Everyone has different tastes. Life is so much easier when you're happy with yourself and don't worry about being what other people want.

 

I'd extend that to every area of your life too... if you want to be in this affair because it makes you happy, then do it. If it doesn't make you happy... maybe you'll start making some moves to change things..?

[melbar68]

Thank you frannie and norajane for your feedback believe it or not reading these post are making me realize what i am heading for if i wait any longer, yes i would like to be able to leave it, drop it and move on and on the other side i also enjoy my time with MM so much that i want more. I just turned 40 and he was the first at mid night to wish me HP and he know what to say and when to say it i dont know how hw knows but he knows.

 

He hasnt said 10 years just until his boys are a bit older i am assuming 10 years might be 5 which ever they are both a long time and i am not getting any older, i am going to maybe allow myself to be more open and date other men and see if that helps who knows i might find someone right for me, but i do know one thing i would never get involved with another married man or a man that is involed with someone else.

 

Besides honestly my girls are almost grown one is 22 and the other will be 15 i cant deal with someone who has babies or child support issues in their lives all tha babies mama stuff has never been for me thats why i got involved with the man i have lived with for 10 years, he had no children his own apartment a car and a job i couldnt ask for more and no ten years later i am going to do exactly what i did then write down what i want and stick to that. i knew then that i was not going to give any man another child and selfish me wanted a man with no children i got him, but now i dont even care for him, for other personal reasons things he has done wrong in ten years we have been together that killed all the love i had for him, which he deserves everything i am doing to him, i use his car and his money to go see my MM that part no matter what does not hurt me on the other hand i feel good everytime i do it because i never thought i would have the guts to do what i am doing now.

 

right now i think i am just taking care of me as we see eachother not only when he can get out, but if i want to and when i dont want to we dont usually its on my terms and my times.

[GreenEyedLady]

He Then Told Me That He Wants So Bad To Leave His Wife To Be With Me But There Were To Many Things In Between For One We Live About 40 Miles Apart, I Will Not Move To Where He Lives And He Will Not Move To Where I Live, Our Jobs Are To Far For Either One Of Us To Move. I Am A Clean Freak And He Says That Would Drive Him Crazy Because He Saves Everything And I Throw Everything Out. Stupid Little Things. His Car Was Not Reliable Enough. But He Said He Realy Wants Us To Live Closer So That We Can See Eachother More.

 

I Dont Know I Am Confused And Everythime I Am With Him I Want Him More But I Am More Confused.

 

You have underlying incompatibility issues and the refusal to compromise/negotiate shows that you two are not a good match...Leave him be and go on with your life...If he were to leave, (which sounds unlikely) you won't be happy anyways because you two are incompatible...

 

In order for a R to work, the two partners have to give and take...It's not my way or the high way or you set yourself up for a power struggle and let's face it, that's not a happy R...It has to be balanced and from what you've said, there's no balance or plan for the future...

[Meaplus3]

I Recently Posted A Thread Here About Me Being The Other Woman And How Much I Want To Leave The Relationship Because It Hurts How Much I Love Him And It Hurts More That He Goes Home To His Wife.

 

Well We Met Today He Called Me Mid Day That His Wife Was Going To Be Out So We Could Meet. We Did All We Did Was Hug, Kiss And Hold Hands. I Love The Attention I Get From Him.

 

I Asked Him For The First Time If He Would Ever Leave His Wife Not For Me, But Just In General If He Ever Had Plans On Leaving His Wife And He Told Me Eventually When His Children Were Older He Will And I Asked How Do You Know If In 10 Years You Will Be Ready To Leave When Alot Of Things Can Happen In Those 10 Years ( His Children Are About 7 & 8) He Just Said That He Is Not Happy With His Wife And She Doesnt Turn Him On And Of Course I Stated That Those Things Can Change And He Swore This Would Not Change.

 

He Then Told Me That He Wants So Bad To Leave His Wife To Be With Me But There Were To Many Things In Between For One We Live About 40 Miles Apart, I Will Not Move To Where He Lives And He Will Not Move To Where I Live, Our Jobs Are To Far For Either One Of Us To Move. I Am A Clean Freak And He Says That Would Drive Him Crazy Because He Saves Everything And I Throw Everything Out. Stupid Little Things. His Car Was Not Reliable Enough. But He Said He Realy Wants Us To Live Closer So That We Can See Eachother More.

 

I Know All This Sounds Stupid Since We Have Only Been Having This Affair Six Months And Something In My Guts Tell Me We Dont Have A Future Together, But I Am So In Love With Him. Everytime I Looked At Him I Wanted To Tell Him That I Need To Break It Off And At The Same Time I Wanted So Much To Tell Him How Much I Love Him. He Says It All The Time, I Love You I Miss You, I Love You, I Miss You On The Other Hand I Can't Because It Breaks My Heart To Say It Because I Want To Cry From Those Feelings And I Dont Want Him To See That.

 

Am I Crazy Is Something Wrong With Me. Can I Be That In Love With Him. Maybe He Just Knows What To Say. He Does Compare His Wife To Me He Tells Me We Are Totally Different In Everyway I Have Seen A Picture Of Her And I Do Look Much Younger Than Her Even Though She Is Six Years Younger. She Is I Very Heavy Woman Which I Have Been There At Her Size 24, But Now I Am Down To 12 So I Know What He Means When He Says He Is Turned Off, But What If I Start Looking Older And Get Fat Again.

 

He Sys That Would Never Happen, But It Could And He Says It Doesnt Matter He Will Always Be In Love With Me. Why Isnt He In Love With His Wife Then? He Says She Is Not What He Expected In A Wife.

 

I Dont Know I Am Confused And Everythime I Am With Him I Want Him More But I Am More Confused.

 

Hmmm.... This mm sound's like the classic wife cheater IMOP. I can bet you that he has NO real intentin's of leaving his w and children for you in the long run. If your happy to be a side dish, then so be it. If your looking for more fronm this mm, sorry to say I would not bet on it! Six month's is not all that long, so chances are if you can break away now you will be much better off.

 

AP:)

[torranceshipman]

Sounds like he's very comfy at home but wants some 'spice' from an A. This guy will never leave his W and family - I agree with other posters that this is a classic cheater and a total cake eater! Run away!

[OWoman]

And it surprises me that 40 miles is too far for love.

 

Having sustained love over thousands of miles, I reckon I'd be happy to be in the same country as my MM, never mind a mere 40 miles away!

 

Melbar this guy doesn't seem to be prioritising you anywhere near how you're prioritising him. Are you willing to be in a R that's that unequal?

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Poster - Are you married, as he is?

[melbar68]

Im not married i live with someone for 10 years, we dont have children my children are from a previous marriage which ended on good terms. However my SO and i have been separated living in the same apartment for quite a while and i have told him to leave and that i was seeing someone, so my relationship has been over for a long time. i think deep down inside i know he will not leave his wife and i have not asked him to i dont know if i want him to maybe i am also confortable the way it is except i'm in love. i dont wash any man clothes or wash for him i just dont want to do those things for any man right now, you know i dont know what i want i just want to be happy you know. i am happy when i'm with him because he makes it seem like i'm the world to him, he makes me feel like i am the most important thing in his life and maybe thats all that drives me back who knows i just have to clear my mind soon

[Jordane]

What do you think he did with his wife before they got married? Do you think he got down on one knee and said, "I think you are fat and I keep you around for convenience"? I am sure he wooed her just as he is doing to you now, he liked her so much that he married her. Wake up and come back to reality.

[whichwayisup]

You are happy IN the moment with this MM. That's all. For 6 months you've gotten into the habit of being the OW, allowing yourself to fall deeper inlove with him. You've built this up in your head, creating it to BE a loving and real relationship. It isn't because he has a life with his wife and kids. He is married...You are the OW only and if you want him, then the OW is your place. Sorry, he told you that he has no plans on leaving, not in the near future (5-10 years). After 6 months of an affair, why should he give up EVERYTHING for you? What can you offer him (more, better, etc) than his current wife and family can't? What makes you think that if he DOES leave, you will have him for yourself long term? If he is willing to pass off his wife and kids, leave them for you, don't you think he's then capable of leaving you as well?

 

You need to stop the A, take time for yourself and figure out what it is you are getting out of the A. OTHER THAN "I love him and want him." To me, it seems like an on-going painful death sentence, a rollercoaster ride that will eventually ruin who you are as a woman.

[melbar68]

you are right what the can i offer him six months of knowing him i guess not much, just like he can't i'm not asking to be with him solely, nor have i asked him to leave his wife. in all actuality i dont want to break them up right now i dont even want them to break up because of me. i know six months is nothing and sure if he were to leave his family that would be wrong, but if he doesnts and stays with me also that is wrong also. i do like the critisizim like i said before i know what we are doing is not right i know that, but how do i do it, how do i break away when my heart says one thing and my head says another. i always went with what my head told me however in this case im stuck

[whichwayisup]

he can't i'm not asking to be with him solely, nor have i asked him to leave his wife.

 

But emotionally speaking, you DO want him to leave his wife. Eventually THAT will be an issue.

 

This isn't a joke, you are in deep and very confused. You've based EVERYTHING that makes you happy, your whole being about the MM. Because of that, you need to get some therapy and talk to someone to help you become stronger, let alone work on your self confidence, self esteem issues. If you don't end the A, your life WILL change for the worse in so many ways...

[frannie]

... but how do i do it, how do i break away when my heart says one thing and my head says another. i always went with what my head told me however in this case im stuck

 

It's very hard.

 

The thing is, I think, you have to listen to and respect both your head and your heart. Don't look at it as either-or. Think of what is logical, why you need to end it, and take that to heart. But take into consideration that your heart will suffer for a while. So do it in the best way you can so you don't suffer SO much that you rush back. Think of the good things your heart will have when it's free of this temporary agony...

 

Try to balance... head and heart... does that make sense?

[HappyHappy]

This guy really sounds like the text book serial cheater. I'm sorry, but your story doesnt sound anything like many of the women on here, myself included. This man is telling you what you want to hear to get what he wants and you are falling for it. He doesnt sound too nice and you will get very hurt in this one I think. I think he sounds like the type that when he's done with you...he's just going to leave you hanging in the cold and be done and pretend like you were never there. I dont think youre in love with this guy either. Youre going through a difficult situation with the end of the 10 year relationship as it is. Even though that relationship is "over", ending R's is always hard, and you have anger over this 10 year R. Your comments about driving his car to see the MM etc., and getting pleasure out of it. You have issues to resolve in yourself about the 10 year R. Deal with those first and then you may see this situation more clearly for what it really is.