patterns Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 I often find myself getting to a point where I really can't handle it anymore. Myself and b/f have been together nearly 4 years and have had argument patterns going back most of that time that seem similar, resulting in one breakup lasting a week 18 months ago, and another lasting a month about 2 months ago. To give an example. Latest issue was on Wednesday last week. (There was another one over Christmas that concerned lack of communication). I had arranged for my cousin and family to come over for lunch as it was the only day that fitted us all. Himself had agreed he would be there. (We don't live together, he comes round at weekends, and stayed most of Xmas with me). At 9.20pm the evening before, he suddenly said he was going to visit his uncle. This was the first I'd heard, so I said fair enough, he hadn't seen any of his family over Christmas. (incidentally this is all on email). He responded by saying "why fair enough, you see your family often enough" etc. etc. I said that wasn't why I said fair enough, it was that he'd said he would be here, but that it didn't matter. He then responded by saying I was denigrating him by suggesting he always do what I suggest in terms of visiting my family. I said no, I didn't, he'd agreed he would be here and that was my point, nothing else. I kept sticking to my point and he got steadily more abusive about me attacking him when all I was doing was saying if he said he would do something and then didn't want to, all he had to do was say a little earlier in the day. It ended up with him being very abusive and unable to see what I was trying to say. I actually didn't mind him not being there, but I did mind him not talking to me about what he wanted to do. And that was what I stuck to. Considering this seems to be a pattern of communication - me being rational, him steadily becoming less so, I'm beginning to wonder if this is a sign of alcoholism. The reason being is that whenever he is with me, he can easily down about 2 bottles of an evening at the weekend, I can't - and won't - keep up. So I'm really not sure whether I should try and make this relationship work anymore - last time I "split up" with him - he said how he'd missed me and loved being with me. But it doesn't feel like he loves me. So I go round in circles. He doesn't appear to understand how his behaviour is affecting our relationship and constantly turns the tables onto me - which never quite makes sense to be honest. I've previously had a marriage which was fraught with arguments - although he was quite extrovert in his arguments, whereas this time b/f prefers to do everything over email, so I worry I'm just repeating a pattern and it doesn't do me any good whatsoever... then I feel bad about feeling bad and end up apologising but never quite sure why I apologised and he didn't... How can I get off this circular pattern of our relationship and deal with things in a way that helps us both?
Author patterns Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Hi there would be really good if someone could reply to my thread if possible.. many thanks everyone! x:)
Touche Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Yes, he's an alcoholic I would say. But that has nothing to do with his abuse. One can be an alcoholic and not be abusive. There's nothing you can do but tell him he either changes the abusive way he treats you, or you're through. This only gets worse. It really does. You don't seem like you're a good match at all. Stay with him and you'll only be more miserable. Who wants to be with someone who argues all the time and gets nasty? I saw nothing wrong with your saying "fair enough." I'd cut this one lose.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Argument patterns are rough. It usually results around one issue that causes a cycle and can't be broken. I have posted about this in other threads. Saying mean things and turning the table on you is not a healthy pattern. You need to talk to your bf about this. Maybe even right him a letter telling him everything you are feeling. I know it sounds weird, but it gives you a chance to get everything you are feeling out in the open. Make sure to tell him to wait until you have read the entire thing to him and tell him you want to have a "discussion" not a fight about the issues. My boyfriend and I worked out a couple huge issues this way, and it really really helped! That being said, I think the bigger problem is his alcohol abuse. Throwing substance abuse into the mix and you have got a huge problem. This is not something you can fix in your relationship, he is going to have to do it himself. If you are intent on staying with him you must confront the problem. It doesn't sound like your bf is a very understanding partner though, so talking to him about this may not go over to well. I suggest you try to do it in a non-threatening and non-accusatory way though. If he still freaks out and is not trying to work through your issues, than that right there will tell you if he really does love you and is committed to making your relationship work. Argument patterns are hard to break, but if both partners love each other and are committed to making the relationship work, then they can be worked through.
blind_otter Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Maybe you can suggest a break with the drinking?
Author patterns Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Thanks to all who have replied, it's much appreciated. This is where I go round in circles. Firstly in response to LaurieBell, all our "arguments" are carried out on email, so I wrote at length to him what I really felt about things and then said not to reply (I couldn't handle it anymore). So now I am in limbo and need to decide where I go next.. He can be understanding when in person, however I still feel I'm the one who makes the effort... oh well, more thinking to do! Thanks again!
Lauriebell82 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Thanks to all who have replied, it's much appreciated. This is where I go round in circles. Firstly in response to LaurieBell, all our "arguments" are carried out on email, so I wrote at length to him what I really felt about things and then said not to reply (I couldn't handle it anymore). So now I am in limbo and need to decide where I go next.. He can be understanding when in person, however I still feel I'm the one who makes the effort... oh well, more thinking to do! Thanks again! Wait, why are they carried out in email? Do have a LDR? Please don't fight over email. You said he can be understanding in person..why not talk to him about these issues in person? Tell him you'd rather discuss this in person, because email is not helping solve your problems.
Author patterns Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 (edited) Wait, why are they carried out in email? Do have a LDR? Please don't fight over email. You said he can be understanding in person..why not talk to him about these issues in person? Tell him you'd rather discuss this in person, because email is not helping solve your problems. What's LDR? I don't fight on email, he fights and I end up defending and then getting offline asap. I've always said to him that email is the worst possible medium of communication in a relationship, but somehow we keep getting back onto that roundabout of communication. It's up to me to get off it as he won't. And I have done at the moment, told him I am filtering all his emails so they won't reach me and it is up to him now to contact or come round in person if he wants to salvage what we may have. My final email to him was basically letting him know what I needed, what I felt we / he needed help in and also outlining my reasoning for suggesting that he may have an alcohol abuse problem. This is all going back over time - the latest issues are like another layer over what we were already going through, or rather what he puts me through due to his a) lack of communication, b) lack of interaction with me. I can list the positives, I can list the negatives. Unfortunately I think I may have got to a stage where I think I deserve better. There is a lot I haven't said on these messages where most normal people would probably have said this relationship isn't going anywhere, fast. When I said understanding in person, that is usually when we don't have issues with each other. Even then he listens - as far as I can tell - but I have no idea how much he has really heard as he offers no feedback but I take him at his word that he has listened. I take him at his word that he loves me dearly (but he is incapable of saying why he loves me, just that he loves being with me) - just occasionally it would be good to have some feedback on ME in the relationship because it appears that when I supposedly "step out of line" I only find out after he's gone home and we've shared a few emails; or as he did over Christmas, he just went home because I had allegedly ignored him all day (I responded to things he said but didn't initiate conversation which is unlike me - a long story there - but it reminded me how I normally initiate everything and once in a while it would be good if he took the initiative. So.. in a nutshell I need to sort my life out and realise that this relationship isn't really ever going to meet my needs and he will continue in the way he is if I don't say something. I often say if he was able to address what I'm saying openly and with me, and voiced his needs too - maybe there could be something there to salvage... but I really don't know, and after 4 years of this, I'm not sure my emotional makeup can cope with it anymore. Edited January 8, 2008 by patterns
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