I've broke up with my man the father of my children after 9 years!

[sweety81]

Hi i need some advice!

I broke up with my long time boyfriend of which i have two children. i am currently staying with a friend until i get somewhere to live and get some money.

The reason i have split up with my fella is because he is constantly critisising every think i do. Everything i do is wrong or just not done properly. There has been times where he has been heavy handed with me and i probably cause that by not giving up an argument, although i do try to stop arguments by walking out of the room but he always follows me into the room to carries it on.

I have walked out on him, house and all belongings, he reckons he will let me have all my things and the childrens when i have a place of my own, but i am worried he will just throw it out.

 

The problem is there are alot of times where he is very good to me and now after three days i am getting second thoughts about leaving him. My children keep saying that they miss him and want to go home and i am finding it hard to say no to them.

 

my children are 7 and 2 and my 7 year old has been told by myself that the arguments will stop now and that we will be happier because there will be no more rows. he was very happy that his mommy will be happier but will he start to hate me in time. The children will still see there daddy whenever they want within reason, and i am hoping it will be get better in time.

 

IS there any advice you can give me on this matter.

 

Should i go back?

 

What can i do to help my children through this?

 

Sweety81

[Lee725]

he is constantly critisising every think i do. Everything i do is wrong or just not done properly.

 

The effect this would have on you would be unfathomable, let alone the children seeing it and thinking that this kind of behaviour is OK, and a normal part of a relationship.

Irrespective if you go back to him or not, this has to change.

If not for your own sake, for the children.

 

There has been times where he has been heavy handed with me and i probably cause that by not giving up an argument,

 

You have the right in any relationship in life to voice your opinion, concerns and thoughts, NO-ONE and i mean NO-ONE has the right to be heavy handed with you, for any reason.

You would not take this off a stranger on the street !!!!! so why take it off someone who is suppose to love you.

This here is reason alone, to stay out - he is abusive, once the kids get a bit older he will probably start being "heavy handed" with them too.

 

although i do try to stop arguments by walking out of the room but he always follows me into the room to carries it on.

 

Because he wants to dominate you and "have the last word", some men cannot stand feeling like a woman is on equal terms with them and will do everything they can to make sure that their word is the last one in any arguement so they feel like they are dominant and that they have "won".

 

I have walked out on him, house and all belongings, he reckons he will let me have all my things and the childrens when i have a place of my own, but i am worried he will just throw it out.

 

Get a friend, neighbour, a police escort, someone to go around and collect your things together and get them out, even if they are sitting in someone garage they are safe and it will be one less thing that you have to worry about.

 

The problem is there are alot of times where he is very good to me and now after three days i am getting second thoughts about leaving him. My children keep saying that they miss him and want to go home and i am finding it hard to say no to them.

 

Change is difficult on children. Kids are "routine" happy.

They will adjust and you need to do your best to stay away, this does not seem like a nice household for them to be in, let alone you.

 

He can be as nice as he likes about certain things, this will not change the core of him and if the core if him is an argumentative "heavy handed" person - this will never change.

You may need to put the good things aside and focus on the negative painful things that he has done in order to find the strength to push the guilt of leaving away.

I am yet to meet a parent that has not worried about the effect of the situation on the child, but think long term.

 

my children are 7 and 2 and my 7 year old has been told by myself that the arguments will stop now and that we will be happier because there will be no more rows. he was very happy that his mommy will be happier but will he start to hate me in time. The children will still see there daddy whenever they want within reason, and i am hoping it will be get better in time.

 

It will get better in time, especially as they get older and their reasoning and concepts become better.

They will not hate you, as you are doing your best to explain the situation to them. Protect them and protect yourself from this man.

You deserve better, anyone does.

 

IS there any advice you can give me on this matter.

 

Should i go back?

 

What can i do to help my children through this?

 

I am sure that there woud be support services you could call for advice on how to help the kids through this, i am only reccomending this because i can not offer you much help there, although i am sure that there are plenty of parents on here that can help.

 

Please do not go back now, even if you do so long term, there are some pretty serious issues which need to be dealt with first.

Try to get a 6 month lease on a place somewhere, this will give you time and space to really work out where you want to be and what is best for the kids.

 

Right now being with him is not the best thing to do.

He will only try to convince you that leaving was wrong, you are wrong, and it is all your fault.

Stay strong, give yourself some time, remember if you do stay away for a little while and he does bad things, then he doesnt care enough about you for you to be there to start with.

 

Please let us know how you go. Stay strong, good luck.

[sweety81]

thankyou for all your advice and you have made me realise what i have been really putting up with.

 

you have given me some strength and some motivation to continue without him and i know i can look at this now whenever i feel the urge to go back.

 

thankyou. sweety 81

[lbabe]

stay strong sweetie....you will be much better off without him. You left him for good reason and if your having second thoughts thats normal...but dont give in. if you go back it will just end up the same. Stay strong for the kids....

[sweety81]

I went back! We are going to relate for counselling and he is going to sort his anger out. I know he is serious about this as he personally got the number for relate and is sorting out the appointment for us to go. If this doesnt work we are going to go our own seperate ways.